I just realized that I hadn't written my rant yet and I was having a hard time trying to come up with something. So I continued to watch TV for inspiration because usually something will tick me off or annoy me and then I write about it. What's even more fun is if something makes me start having even more random thought processes than usual. That's what I'm writing about now. While watching TV I saw a commercial for Gerber baby food and how the nutrients are preserved and all that good stuff. Then at the very end of the commercial they ask their age old question: "Shouldn't your baby be a Gerby baby?" This got me to thinking (if you can call it thinking) about something pretty random. What if your baby were a Lindberg baby instead?
Seriously, that would be the greatest thing ever. Especially for me. I'm not good with kids. I don't know how to deal with them because most of them are just impossibly stupid. Oh sure every now and then you get an e-mail forwarded to you about some little 7 year old girl that has a profound insight into the world. Like today I got a forwarded message from a good friend of mine about such a subject. This little girl was in a store like Wal-mart and it was pouring down rain outside. The little girl and her mother, as well as a group of bystanders were standing around waiting for the storm to subside. The little girl asked her mom to run through the rain with her to the car. Rather than take no for an answer the girl asked again. When the mother said that they would get soaked the little girl told them that "God won't let us get wet." After all that's what the mother told the girls father who was dying of cancer. "If God can't get us through this He can't get us through anything." Apparently everybody sat in stunned silence at this little girl's profound insight. Feeling guilty the mother and daughter ran through the rain and got soaked. The mother said that God thought they needed washing. The author of the story said that she almost wept at the sight and blah blah blah blah blah. That story never happened. It's a nice little inspiration story from Chicken Droppings for the Soul about child-like faith but my problem is that kids just aren't that bright. They're actually pretty dumb. What sucks though is that I just realized that I was just as dumb growing up. Oh well.
Here's my solution to not being able to deal with kids. Oh sure I can deal with kids that are in high-school and the only other kids I can deal with are girls (which is going to be interesting if I ever have a daughter because I'll probably cave in to what ever she wants, not because I don't know that that is a bad thing but I'm just pretty sure that's what will happen) but for the most part I just can't deal with kids. I can't have an intelligent conversation with them. I don't care about frickin' Spongebob Queerpants. That show sucks. I can't handle it. I propose that all babies should be Lindberg babies. "What does that mean," you ask? I'll tell you. All children should vanish into thin air for several years. Then when their old enough to not be stupid they can come back. This varies between guys and girls because guys do stupid crap all the time but girls rely on emotions too much and make stupid decisions all the time. I guess to be fair the parents decide what age they want their kid back and when the kid returns, it already has the standards the parents want them to have. That would be so awesome. Nobody would have to change dirty diapers, no dealing with the "terrible two's" or anything like that. As a bonus, when the kid comes back from God only knows where, the parents and child/children have all of the memories that they would have had with the child/children had the child/children been with them the whole time.
After hearing all of these pros, how can anybody think that this is just my desperate bid to get out of raising kids? It's not like you would know the difference after it's all over anyways. You're just jealous that you didn't think of it first. Parents all over the world will be grateful to me forever. If only Jean-benet Ramse's parents had done that, they could have had Hollywood exploit their jailbait daughter too. But since they apparently couldn't deal with kids either...well the rest is history on that one. Not only do I save people the trouble of raising kids, I save lives too. I am such a genius.
Note: I realize the Lindberg baby never actually came back. I know that. If you don't want the kid back fine. You don't have to have it back. It was just for the parents that actually want kids. It's a bonus feature.
