Beer and Clothing in Las Vegas (Part III)

With the image of the glory that is the Bellagio in out heads, Jeff and I awoke with one thing on our mind, WAC football. Not, "It's whack!", as in, it's good. But WAC, as in Western Athletic Conference, the cock-a-mayme conference, which has 16 teams over 3 time zones. It's the craziest conference in the NCAA. Jeff and I got up way to early after getting to bed way too late, but nevertheless diligently headed to the trough of freedom to drown our sleepy pains. After 2 tonnes of eggs, bacon, sausages, pancakes, fried chicken, coffee, bread, crack, heroine, casino chips, salt, more bacon, coffee and a barely 18 year old hooker, we looked for a cab. Jeff and I asked a bell hop the best way to get to Sam Boyd Stadium (named after a local gaming pioneer, it really said that in the game program, personally, I think a gaming pioneer is a nice synonym for hmmm, gangster or Mafia strongman or maybe crook). He told us we could get a rental car for $19. Since a cab was about $20, we thought great, we can rent a car, and see more of this seedy city than we ever thought possible. Jeff and I went to the car rental desk and she told us, $59 for a car. When we told her $19, she laughed, and I mean one of those "I can't believe how stupid you two are and since you're not wearing shit-kicking gear, you must be retards Canadians because Americans aren't that dumb" laughs. That was one vicious laugh. Ok, maybe it was a chuckle or a chortle. We headed back to cab land to get back on course. Hailed a cab, got in, told him "Sam Boyd Stadium" and what was his reply? Thomas and Mack (where the local college basketball team called the Running Rebels play. At one time, the team was so corrupt, it was run by a bunch of rebels). Jeff and I were aghast that this simple immigrant would not know of this Mecca of college football. After explaining to him that it's where football (and we didn't mean lameass soccer), real man football with pads and large men with small brains play, he still was dumbfounded. Luckily, Jeff had some sock puppets and we acted it out for him. He almost caught it, but instead of went to ask one of the other cabbies and we were off.

Sam Boyd Stadium is a toilet. No, that would be nice. Bills Stadium is a toilet. Sam Boyd Stadium is an outhouse. I know one thing, tacky and extravagant is the strip. Run down and decrepit is Sam Boyd Stadium. 2 entrances for the whole stadium. One road in. Great designers. I guess the best architects are designing bigger better casinos with bigger and better slots and move halls that lead you back into the center of the casino and not stadiums that have more than 2 entrances.

The game was great and I won't bother you with the details except Air Force won. Check out the WAC homepage or ESPN.com for more info. Our seats were good, 20 yard like 2nd row. We were two men in a land of Mormons (we were on the BYU side of the field) rooting for Air Force. These Mormons brain wash their young with bad food, bad haircuts, bad clothes and a being way too nice. With 20,000 people behind us, there was no swearing. When was the last time you went to any sporting event and there was no swearing. Never. Well, that didn't stop Jeff from saying to no one in particular when BYU was stopped at a 4th and 1, "Take that shit back to Utah!" The lady in front of us, who probably had only read about that word in the book "What uncultured satanic atheists say to turn your children over to the devil!", gave Jeff one of those "I can't believe how stupid you two are and since you're not wearing shit-kicking gear, you must be retards Canadians because Americans aren't that dumb" stares, except instead of "I can't believe how stupid you two are and since you're not wearing shit-kicking gear, you must be retards Canadians because Americans aren't that dumb", it was "I can't believe how evil you are, you evil, evil man, out with you and your non-mormon beliefs, I think you are the devil incarnate. Don't you know my children are hear and will never be turned over to your dark side" stares. It was like Darth Vader versus Luke Skywalker except Jeff was Darth Vader (he was breathing a little hard after 3 hours of yelling).

After the game, the same problem, 2 hours to leave this structural marvel. We bought tickets to see Legends (which is an impersonator show, staring Garth Brooks (see shit-kickers in town), Mike Jackson (see little children in town), Rod Stewart (see geriatric doctors in town), the Four Tops (see Jeff and me in town), Gloria Estefan (see Jeff and I scream in pain) and of course, Elvis (see this whole damn tacky town). The show was great and once again, two more free drinks with the show. The Imperial Palace, where is was, is the crappiest place on the strip. Like the Riveria, it's all that is wrong with Vegas with no redeeming qualities. It's too hard to find anything, bad slots, bad stores, bad restaurants, run by some sort of Nazi (or at least a guy who owns Hitler's car) and it's a Chinese theme. Just what I want when I go away from Toronto, a Chinese theme. I need that like a whole in the head. I didn't see any BMWs, Mercedes or rich kids with cell phones leering at me, but I'm sure they were just around the corner.

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