Mark's Beer & Clothing in Las Vegas

Part II

Beer and Clothing in Las Vegas (Part II)

I was asked, why beer and clothing? Not fear and loathing in Las Vegas, well, today you are about to find out.

Day II, the Las Vegas experience. After getting a decent night's sleep and digesting that massive Excalibur buffet from the night before (and those free drinks and near free drinks, did I mention 25 cent beer at Bally's. Yes, 25 cent beer. 25 cent, which is in Canadian, $4.50, so it's not a real bargain, but still a quarter is a quarter in the US). Jeff and I wake and, head over to the Big Kitchen Buffet at Bally's (because we were too lazy to go anywhere else) and we realized that this truly was the trough of freedom. There was so much food that I cried. I mean, openly wept at the amount of food. Since we got there after 12:00pm, it was a combo breakfast, lunch thing. Brunch if you will. It's not quite breakfast, and it's not quite lunch but it ends with a slice of cantilope. You get a good meal. I did learn that Americans, namely those in Las Vegas, eat fried chicken with their breakfast. This would explain why most people in Las Vegas make Delta Burke look like Kate Moss. After gorging at Bally's, it was time for Geekfest 98. Jeff and I headed to the Star Trek Experience at the Las Vegas Hilton. This was holy grail for Trekkies. Luckily, Jeff and I just wanted to go and get drunk at Quark's Bar, so we could make fun of the Trekkies. The Hilton is in the Vegas boonies. It was a $10 cab ride. If that gives you any indication of how far it was. Once there and basking in yet another massive, yet understated and subtle casino, we headed for the Star Trek Experience. Once there, after plunking down $14.95, we were met with the greatest Star Trek collection of crap ever. I won't bore you with what was there, but there was this Ferengi who tried to pick pocket me and Jeff caught him, grabbed him by those massive lobes and threw him in to the matter-antimatter converter and he was vaporized. Since there was no body and no witnesses, there were no charges pressed against him. Did I mention there are no laws in Las Vegas. It's pure anarchy. At the end of the Star Trek experience, there was this cool ride, like you're in a shuttle craft getting chased by Klingons, except unlike a real shuttle craft, when we left we were in the middle of a casino.

Went to the Riviera to pick up some tickets for some shows. It was shit-kicking central (a new word we picked up from the cabby). All those Rodeo and country music fans were there. Some old lady told Jeff, "you're a big one". So Jeff shot her. She was really bothering us and her family took like 20 minutes to buy 4 tickets to one show and paid in pennies, I think. Or maybe Caribbean sea shells. Like I said, no laws. In line for the tickets, some lady asked me if George Strait was in town. I have no idea who that is. In fact, Jeff mentioned that if ran over him with his car, he wouldn't even know who he was. I think, if I drove over George Strait with my car, would I ever care. No laws in Vegas! Anarchy! From the Riveria, it was a long walk down the strip. I mean, a super long walk. I think Jeff and I walked for about, 15 casinos (I don't know the conversion from casinos to metric, so bare with me). I could see Bally's from where we were, but the casinos are so damn big that it looks like it's close, but in fact, it's far away. No depth perception in Vegas. Nevertheless we did see the Treasure Island show, some other tacky casinos, the Mirage, Caesar's Palace etc. I also bought a fly sweater. (Give it to me baby! Uh huh, uh huh!)

Back at Bally's more drinking. 25 cent beer. And trying not to make eye contact with anyone with a large belt buckle. And then the glorious part of the night. Went back to the Riveria to see a couple of shows. Did some betting before hand. Learned that every casino has a certain procedure when playing black jack. Also learned that the Nazis are alive and well, hiding out as black jack dealers. This super-bitch was giving Jeff and I black jack etiquette lessons (don't use your hand to gesture for a hit, use your cards. When done, don't lay them down on the ground or gesture with your hand, place the cards under your bet, but don't pick up the chip to place the cards under the chips or the S.S. will chop off your hands). We did well with this dealer, surprisingly, but when a new one came (not a nazi, surprisingly) our luck wasn't as good. I almost broke even, I think Jeff was about the same. At least we got free drinks. Our first show was Craig Shoemaker, the Lovemaster. He was Magic Johnson's sidekick on his short lived show and is the host of VH1's My Generation. He was so damn funny that I was busting a gut. But his Lovemaster bit was disturbing. And when I say disturbing, I mean, damn funny. Two free drinks at the show. That's three in an hour, and we hadn't eaten since the trough of freedom. And I was feelin' groovy. The next show, Crazy Girls, a typical Vegas tittie show. High exceptions, but turned about to suck. And when I say suck, I mean suck. I was hoping for a Cheaters or Filmore's experience and we got lame-ass comedy, lame-ass dancing and lame-ass lipsyncing. In Las Vegas, they do have one law, no refunds. At least we got two more free drinks. By this time, I was feeling groovy. Jeff and I cut our losses (ie. the fact we laid out cash for that crappy tittie show) and headed to the Bellagio for some food. The Bellagio is the single greatest structure ever built. It's the most expensive casino in Vegas, cost $2 billion to make and was featured in the December 7th Financial Post. Remember, Vegas was covered in shit kickers wearing denim, cowboy boots, a big belt buckle and lame ass hats, with beer bellies and ugly shit-kicked women. We walk into the Bellagio and no shit kickers. Everyone was beautiful. It was like television, except you don't get a shock when you kiss someone (you get arrested). Everyone was wearing suits or gowns (I was wearing a gown, because I wanted to show off my legs, my best feature). It was amazing. Very understated, for Vegas that is. So instead of a sledge hammer over the head, it was just a wooden mallet. Very posh, very expensive. Jeff and I were asked to leave when we tried to mark our territory. Ok, it wasn't called for, by we wanted to show we were there, so we tried to pee in the fountain. A chase ensued and we evaded some security guards until I got my gown caught on the Wheel of Fortune. Jeff was stumped at Jeopardy and we were thrown out. A long walk back to Bally's (even though it was across the street. Really! The damn casino is across from Bally's and it still took 20 minutes to get back) to get some dinner and Jeff and I created a new game with Keno, take a number from the board and guess the football player (remember, we drank a lot). This was after some more 25 cent beers. There's always some change in your pocket, n'est pas? Of course, 25 cents in one slot and you possibly can win more quarters, which mean more beer. It was tough, but we always went the Vegas way, more beer.

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