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Beer and Clothing in Las Vegas (Part I)
So here we were, at the dawn of a new age. The VEGAS age. Jeff and I were on our way (albeit very slowly, since Jeff's mom drives slower than a
Muhammad Ali rap) to the airport. Once there, we lucked into the best seats on the plane (no, not the airplane toilets or not the ones with stewardesses as breathing apparatuses), but row 9 in front on a big barrier so the passengers behind us couldn't see Jeff's big melon and we had three seats for the two of us. That means a lot since Jeff and I pretty big. So what did we do with that extra chair? Play scrabble or cards? Spread out? Sure. We used it as a place to hold our magazines and CDs (in my case) or tapes (in Jeff's case). So the flesh out the story further, plane ride good. Seats good. Good foreshadowing if you ask me. Jeff and I had trouble following the in-flight movies, Air Bud II and the Avengers. Since Jeff and I had not seen Air Bud, we had trouble following Air Bud II. From what I could understand, it was about a dog who could go deep, but wasn't much of a route runner. He was cut by the Broncos when he couldn't play special teams (since he has arms to tackle) and wasn't much of a downfield blocker. The Avengers was particularly stupid. No Captain America or Thor. James Bond was a bad guy who apparently was turned evil by a bad toupee.
So we land in Sin City half an hour late. You got to like Vegas. I had never been there before and well, I was impressed. Why you ask? Our bags were being delivered to our rooms, no waiting at the baggage claim for Jeff and I. And even better, the airport is within spitting distance of the strip. Ok, you'd need to spit about 2 miles, but if the wind is right and you have a real good loogy you could do it. Better yet, we got off the plane, went to a bus, and were in our rooms within about 20 minutes. Nice. Very nice. 22 minutes later we were off to the MGM Grand to see their world famous Monorail ("Is there a chance the track will bend/Not on your life my Hindu friend") from Bally's to their basement. There we saw the darker side of Vegas. You know, the side that doesn't have 100,000 per square feet. It was dark. I mean, like a normal city. Actually, like a pretty crappy normal city if you ask me. But enough about the backlot of Vegas. Vegas is all style no substance. So like a movie, no one cares about the backlot, only what's on the screen.
The MGM Grand is well, Grand! It's super-huge. Imagine a really big hotel, then add a casino. And well, that's it. With an amusement park, a 20,000 seat arena and Carrot Top as the comedic headliner (just a note, if anyone actually likes Carrot Top, get help, I'm serious). Jeff and I are now off in search of the biblical, historic and mythical VEGAS BUFFET! We were hungry and no buffet would do. We wanted to go to the cheapest yet largest buffet on the planet. Using some advice we got from the front desk at Bally's (when we asked for a cheap buffet), we headed for tacky central, Excalibur There we were amazed and appalled at the tacky-ositiy. It was great. We loaded up at the $7.99 buffet. Skipped the salads. Skipped the breads. Went straight for the real stuff. Ravioli the size of your head (if your head was a big square, I mean) and other fried foods of note. Long story short, we ate a lot of food and topped it off with brownies and soft ice cream (with chocolate chips, nuts and coconut). Mmmmm! By this time, we had called for a stomach pump, and luckily we weren't the first to overeat at their buffet, so they happily obliged to pump our stomachs. Except somewhere in the translation (from Torontonian to Vegan, which is like hick-red-neck-broken English) pumping your stomach is like giving a handjob, so we were thrown out. Not before we had like 9 glasses of coke. We had the last laugh though. Really, we did. We were laughing that we could eat so much.
Once outside we decided to see what was around. New York New York, which is one hell of a town (or casino) either way. The Tropicana, which is crappy. Excalibur I had mentioned as pretty tacky. And of course, the Luxor, which is like the super-bomb (up there with the MGM Grand as super wicked). At the Luxor, I broke even at the roulette table where I learned that you don't always bet on red like Jeff did (he did lose $40). Just a side note, we had three 00's in 8 spins and that's very rare. Nevertheless, with my new found no losses (or no winnings), I headed to the blackjack table where I played for a while staring at all the monitors showing previews for upcoming events (Neil Diamond at the MGM Grand New Year's). I won $10 at the blackjack table. Not a lot, but when you're a white guy from Toronto, and you've never played before, a win is a win is a win. I wholly expected to get my ass kicked by Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro because I won some money from the Casino, like in that movie, "The place where you bet money". But, instead I was propositioned for sex by that famous actor, you know the one who played the hooker in Leaving Las Vegas, Nicholas Cage. He was much better looking than I expected. In fact, he looked better in that dress that Elizabeth Shue. I turned him down, cashed out and Jeff and I headed back to Bally's. It was like 2:00am Friday morning, by the time we got back to our room, which is like, 10:42am Monday in Toronto time, so needless to say, we were tired.
Next time, Day 2, the Beer and Clothing in Las Vegas. |
