An intricate system of conveyor belts and vacuum powered "mail" tubes are used to shuttle the sprogs back and forth between the energy recovery stations. In addition, parents who permit their urchins to violate the stringent "Behavioral Statutes for Children in Public" are assigned work duty at the energy stations to help transport and look after the infants.

What's the first thing a baby looks for when it wakes? Something to eat! Instead of the usual, energy wasteful method of breastfeeding, all babies in Sprogopolis are fed via Vacuum Recovery Nipple-ator Wall Units installed in homes with sprogs and at various feeding stations throughout the city. Scientists have measured the average pressure differential created by a sucking anklebiter to be an astounding 5.8 psi! Even with the inevitable efficiency losses, the citywide collection unit can sustain a psi differential of 1.4, enough to power the city's subway, elevators, and baby transport tubes. As additional feeding stations come online, other uses for this energy will no doubt be found.

What goes in must come out. The Gravipoop Dynamo has been designed with that fact in mind. During scheduled potty-time, sprogs are transported to the top of what basically is a large funnel (large end up) There, they are strapped into special open-bottomed chairs where they can poop to their heart's content. The teflon coated funnel walls, designed with special ridges, provide maximum centripetal acceleration of the effluent. By the time it reaches the bottom it has hit peak velocity as it enters the turbines (hence, the expression, "when the shit hits the fan") The dynamo then converts the rotational energy into electrical power.

A few special notes about the dynamo. It also doubles as a feeding station for infants who have graduated to solid food. These sprogs are fed a carefully blended diet high in spinach, refried beans, and castor oil, in order to keep the subsequent discharge liquid and free-flowing. This reduces wear and tear on the turbines, plus increases their efficiency. Also, all sprogs are fitted with individualized butt-plugs to prevent the dissipation of potential energy except at the dynamo. This has the added benefit of eliminating the need for diapers, which would either clog landfills or require energy to clean them.

The massive outpouring from the Dynamo is pumped to a disinfecting plant, and from there sent on to the Electrostatic Art Gallery. This bastion of culture utilizes a rugrat's penchant for smearing walls with any handy substance. Trays of purified poop are made available to the artists, who use their creative instincts to produce fingerpaint masterpieces on the gleaming white walls. The walls are made of a special plastic that is conducive to holding a static charge, so as the sprogs rub away, electricity is produced. At the end of each day, after proud parents can view and photograph the offerings, the hall is hosed down and the artwork sent to a filtration plant where it is recycled as compost.

Have you ever tried entertaining a 2 year old in your home? Worse than trying to keep track of a ferret. Well, our scientists have come up with a method to use that energy. All playtime occurs at the huge Magneto Induction Playpen at city center. There, sprogs are fitted with magnetic knee, wrist, and elbow pads and allowed to crawl madly about. As they pass over the copper coils embedded in the playpen floor, an electrical current is generated and sent to the main power station. Parents assigned to playpen duty monitor the sprogs and use cattle prods to keep the activity level high. In the future, portable units with removable storage capacitors will be manufactured so that families can employ them at remote places such as the beach.

Toddlers who have good running skills spend their playtime at the Flywheel Farm instead of in the playpen. The Farm is essentially a huge array of sprog-sized hamster wheels, all linked to an energy storing flywheel via a complicated gearing mechanism. Sprogs are placed in individual wheels, where a tray of twinkies, chocolate cookies, and other assorted goodies is stationed just out of their reach. The hungry sprogs run towards the food, and Voila! - free energy. As in the playpen, parents on rehabilitation duty stand by with cattle prods to "encourage" the slackers.

Sprog after three hours at the flywheel farm

By mid-afternoon, you can imagine how tired and cranky these little energy producers are. But do we let them nap? Of course not! Now is the perfect time for them to go to the Acoustic Collection Dome, affectionately known as "Squall Hall" by the locals. There, the little beasts are strapped to chairs and allowed to cry, whine, and scream at the top of their lungs. Electric shocks are applied via the chairs to encourage wailing and prevent accidental napping. The Dome has been carefully constructed as an ellipsoid, with huge acoustic diaphragms installed at the two focal points. The incessant clamor reflects off the polished walls and collects at the focal points, producing massive vibrations in the diaphragms. The diaphragms themselves are made of very thin layers of piezoelastic polymer, which converts the physical motion into usable electricity.

Probably the most unpleasant job in all of Sprogopolis is running Squall Hall. Someone has to bring the sprogs to and from their chairs, and even with specially designed earplugs the noise is unbearable. These jobs are restricted to the worst of the parent offenders, for violations such as having a crying baby in a movie theater or allowing one to run rampant in a restaurant. Despite repeated challenges by civil liberties groups, the courts have ruled that duty in Squall Hall does not constitute cruel and unusual punishment.

Naturally, not all our sprogs will be up to this daily regimen. Each day a few of the less hardy souls will, shall we say, kick the bucket. Think of it as winnowing the herd. The deadbeats are rapidly transported to the Thermal Recovery Station where they are cremated and converted to usable energy. The resulting ashes (which are excellent fertilizer) are then sprinkled over our many flowerbeds throughout the city. To pacify the distraught parents, a commemorative plaque is mounted in the entrance hallway at City Hall to acknowledge their child's contribution to our fair city.

Hopefully, other cities will follow our lead. Our most recent statistics show that 87% of the city's energy is provided by sprogs. We hope to increase that percentage in the future. (Via more energy capturing devices, NOT more sprogs!!!)

***NEWSFLASH*** Sprogopolis becomes a reality! Visit Playpumps International for details.

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tourists have visited Sprogopolis since January 22, 1998.