Nancergaretta The Lonely Pottatooth
A play by Julian Molinero
Act 1
Scene 1
A mansion in Bontoagt in Transylvania
Count Tofwee is alone contemplating the doom of the universe. Empty cigarette cartons litter the floor and the stench of garlic and rotten tomato's poison the very lungs which once passed through the entrance halls.
Tofwee: The life I have desired for so long will surely be mine, for centuries the spider hath the web weaved, but in the eve of but two days I will live and love again.
Eric The Spider: Fuck this.
The spider slits his scrawny wrists and collapses by his unfinished web.
Fade to Black
Scene 2
The funeral of Count Tofwee
Sunrise. Behind the rocks of the cold graveyard, sits a Pottatooth, a small winged hedgehog with pointed teeth, he sheds a tear for the count, whom he did not know as he gathers the droppings of owls for his breakfast. The small unattractive creature had not know a friend or had even made contact with another living being for all of his life, his existence was unknown, except for a wildlife documentarian who believed thouroughly in the Pottatooth race and was determined to prove they existed, but that is not of impotence.
The coffin of Tofwee is laid to rest
in an open muddy grave. The soliarty priest takes his book of meaningless words
back to the church tower, for a night of passion with his former dog.
Nancergaretta, the pottatooth wanders over to the open grave.
Nancergaretta: Life, perhaps once tasted by the lips of this very man, love perhaps once cherished by the heart of this very man,… an incurable existence stands in the way of what I could have been… for this man of course it is too late to change, too late to add, and for that sorrow is earned, but the tear I shed is for myself, I did not have a chance to be who I wanted to be…
Nancergaretta smears his breakfast onto the lips of the dead count and a tear drips from his hairy face.
Nancergaretta: I wish… I wish I could live, I mean really live, I would give my small kingdom and I know it is not much just to have been somebody… to have been…
Nancergaretta reads the gravestone.
Nancergaretta: …Count Tofwee.
Lightening strikes, the graveyard is destroyed by the storm.
Act 2
Scene 1
Svelenky, in Sweden. A small pig slaughter house.
Bob The Pig Murderer: Ven I moved here vwom Narden Aland, Ah didn't think I would be a pig killer……………………………………………………………………………………………………but, ya.
Oinky The Pig: Oink!
Oinky is slain by the axe of death.
Scene 2
A male public urinal, Texas, one man is urinating and another man, enters…… bearing a moustache.
Man 1 is looking straight ahead in the middle of the riddle of a piddle.
Man 2: Good day, today.
Man 1 is silent.
Man 2: See the game last night?
Man 1: I'm not into sports.
Man 2: Neither am I
There is a silent pause for 78 seconds then man 2 kisses man 1 on the lips. Man 1 closes his eyes as if he is having an orgasm.
Man 1 pulls a sawn-off shot gun out of his rain coat and blows man 2 away.
Act 3
2 and a half years later.
Nancergaretta is residing in the mouth of Count Tofwee's rotting corpse, working the controls of his body from years of experienced learning and a manual he found when he was washing his back from the inside.
Nancergaretta: Life, acceptance I shall have it all and soon, with my new body
there is nothing I cannot achieve. I cannot explain these odd cravings I have
for worldwide destruction though, mmm, maybe the marker pens are off…
The beast sniffs the indescribable scent of the plastic stick until his pupils widen and he laughs himself to sleep.
Act 4
Nancergaretta walked the lands for an unknown period and plucks up the courage over a period of four days and cold nights to make first contact.
His waiting outside a home comes to an end as he marches himself towards the door, he knocks and awaits an answer.
House Owner: Hello?
Nancergaretta: Are you a homeowner?
House Owner: yes.
Nancergaretta: Have you had an accident or injury within the last six months and need coverage…
Act 5
The severely injured animal makes no attempt to nurse his wounds, and vows his revenge on the living, his keen watching of T.V. commercials had not paid off in attempting to make friends. Before he could work out exactly how he would wipe out the living he really needed a shit and as he was now inhabiting the body of the count he was far too big to still have self pride and shit in "ze voods" so he made his way the nearest public conveniences.
The small cubical filled with the atmosphere of guilt and fear of a thousand rapes, notably a hangout for faggots in the area. Nancergaretta thought of how he had been treated on his stay at "earth", he thought of the beautiful things he had seen, the sunsets he had admired from afar, tainted by the lack of companionship no doubt, but fond memories non the less, seconds later Nancergaretta hears someone entering the lavatories and he gathers his thoughts, straightens out his head, makes sure his appearance isn't too obvious that he's actually hiding inside a dead man,… in his pocket mirror.
He hears another man entering, a conversation brews outside between the two men, Nancergaretta steps out of the cubicle fearing something "more than platonic" is going on between them. He pauses as he hesitates if he has left anything behind, he shrugs it off and washes his hands before leaving, he puts on his personal headphones and procedes to walk for 400 days and 403 nights. "The timestables on cd" REPEAT PLAY.
Act 6
Nancergaretta gets lost on the starlit moors of god-knows-where, he comes across a man bearing a bloodstained apron, Nancergaretta is tired yet still is shaking, nervous with the energy to still be shy from human contact.
Nancergaretta: Excuse me mate, couldn't tell me where I am could you.
Bob The Stranger on the Moors: Ya,
I make you a deal, ya? I tell you vere you are
Iv you tell me vere I can finden a pig.
Nancergaretta: your mother
Bob chases Nancergaretta to Transylvania, to a town called Bontoagt unknown to them both.
Act 7
Nancergaretta comes across a mansion on the top of a hill, runs in, quite out of breath and locks the door behind him.
Upon entering one of the dining rooms he brushes his face against a cobweb.
The bangings on the door become less frequent and soon stop, the escapee feels a new sense of confidence in the impenetrable palace.
He sits down at one end of a long narrow table, the other end is far away and coated in shadows.
The animal inside the body of the once Count, regains his breath and his pupils widen.
A figure emerges from the shadows of other end of the table.
Voice: I've been expecting you.
Silence
Nancergaretta who was prepared to apologise for being there in the first place, sits in disbelief .
Voice: I'm your mother.
Nancergaretta's heart stopped at that moment, he had not since know his origins, where he had come from to whom he belonged but how he had longed to, this was the moment of truth, what he had been waiting for, someone whom he could love and whom would love him unconditionally. Perhaps it was as he had always hoped, that he was just the child that got lost from the pack, there looked to be a future at last…
Voice: Now Tofwee you're very late for your bathtime… go upstairs get undressed.
A caped old wrinkled woman with incredibly pale skin emerged from the shadows.
The shortsighted old bitch! It was Count Tofwee's mother, who had not recognised her own dead son.
He wanted to scream, smash the table into the wall and burn down the world…
…but it was bathtime.
Act 8
He returned from the bath with the cleanest dead body suit anyone ever had, and he had also made a decision, he would be himself from tomorrow on, sure, he didn't know his roots, but of what he did know about himself he knew he hated the living.
He plotted how he would destroy everything,… the universe.
He spent that night as the Count, eating meals his newly found mother would prepare, meals of Blood and fish,… mainly fish.
Tomorrow he would begin to conquer his mighty plan, he would be true, he would be bold, he would be
Nancergaretta The Lonely Pottatooth
My nipples don't cause me discomfort