(in her room, she's reading some book)

Clarissa to us: They say crime doesn't pay, but the only people who don't listen to that advice are the criminals. Take stealing for instance, people keep doing it, and they keep getting caught.

(clipped to Ferguson dressed like a parson 0:13)

Clarissa: In 1671, a guy named Tomas Blood dressed up like a parson and stole the crown jewels, right out of the tower of London. He got nabbed pretty fast, and both he and the jewels ended up back in the tower for safekeeping.

(clipped to a woman and a man in old-fashion clothes 0:28)

Clarissa: During World War 1, a dancer named Mata Hari was the hottest date in Paris. She stole a lot of friend's guy's hearts, and a lot of war secrets along with them. Until someone got wise to her sticky fingers.

(the man arrests the women 0:41)

Clarissa: And today, one Clarissa Darling joins their rank. Ok, here is how it happened. I was out shopping this afternoon with Jody, just, you know, trying stuff on. Then they announced the store was closing, so I got dressed really fast, without realising I was still wearing 'it'. I walked right out with it, without paying, I stole it. It was an honest mistake you say, just tell your parents to take 'it' back. Which would be ok except, how do I explain the it...

(she takes up some kind of ??? 1:11)

Clarissa: ...this?

(theme song 1:15)
(in her room 2:03)

Clarissa: Why did I try it on? It was a moment of madness. But it looks so totally cool. So Madonna ask, I mean, I'd bet she wears this all the time. When she wears anything at all. But for me, underwear is kind of a private thing, and not so showy. I mean underwear, who sees it anyway? But this, this was obviously meant to be seen.

(she goes to her mirror 2:24)

Clarissa: Hey, maybe this meets my new look, maybe I should dance it off to mom. Maybe she'll say 'hey, keep it, wear it at parties'.

Clarissa yells: Yea. Mom, can you come here a sec!!!

(she hides the thing and gets some magazine 2:36)

Clarissa to us: I should test the waters first.

(Janet enters 2:40)

Janet: What is it dear?

Clarissa: Oh, nothing much, I just saw something I liked, you know, for my birthday.

Janet: Your birthday was last month Clarissa.

Clarissa: Well, I know you like to shop ahead. I thought I could use one of...

(she shows her a picture in the magazine 2:53)

Clarissa: ... these.

Janet: A bustier? Oh, I think that's a little old for you, but what about this camasole with the pink rosebuds, or these days of the week underwear, you always loved those.

Clarissa: Sure, that would be... swelled.

(Janet leaves 3:10)

Clarissa to us: Forget mom, who else can I tell? Dad? Oh, that's like telling mom times two. Fergbreamen? Be real. And as walking into the store and handing it over to some strange salesperson?

(she gets the thing 3:23)

Clarissa: No thanks. I know, Sam. I'll tell Sam.

(ladder hits 3:29)

Clarissa: Hi Sam. Perfect timing. I can tell him about anything. Anything but this.

(she puts it into a drawer 3:38)

Sam: Hey Clarissa. Want to go rollerblading?

Clarissa: Rollerblading? Rollarblading. Uhhm, I can't go rollarblading, I mean not that I can't go rollarblading, it's just that rollarblading is not good, I mean not that rollarblading is not good, it's just not good now for me today. But thanks.

Sam: Is something wrong?

Clarissa: Wrong? What could be wrong?

Sam: I don't know, you just seem kind of keed up.

Clarissa: Well, the truth is...

(she looks at the drawer and notices the thing is visible 4:04)

Clarissa: The truth is, I had 4 root beers and cotton candy, hehe, at the mall, and I'm still buzzing.

Sam: Been there, well, see you later.

Clarissa: Later Sam.

(Sam leaves 4:16)

Clarissa to us: New plan. Maybe I'll just forget about the bustier until I'm old enough to wear it, like say, when I'm 45.

(in the living room, Clarissa is going down the stairs and Ferguson enters 4:25)

Ferguson: Hey, we got a problem, do the letters 'BYOB' mean anything to you?

Clarissa: Oh, no, not dad's annual 'Bring your own building' convention.

Ferguson: Yea, I think this year one of us, the older one of us, should tell him we don't wanna go.

Clarissa: They'll never let us stay home alone over night.

Ferguson: Not if you don't ask.

Clarissa: Well, maybe it won't be so boring this year.

Ferguson: Have you forgotten the eagen T-square race?

Clarissa: And the tale on the developer.

Both: The sing-along.

(Marshall enters with something hidden with a white sheet 4:49)

Marshall: Janet! Oh, kids, good you're here.

(Janet enters 4:54)

Janet: What is it dear?

Marshall: Well, I just finished my new model for the BYOB convention, and... I wanted your opinion. Ok, ready?

(he reveals the object, a mall that looks like a beehive 5:02)

Marshall: Tada! What do you think?

Janet: Well, it's just... wonderful.

Ferguson: Stupendous.

Clarissa: Yea, it's great dad. But, uhm... what is it? I mean... other than a beehive.

Ferguson: Don't be dense.

Clarissa: Like you know.

Ferguson: Of course I do. It's uhm, well... um... this is... and that well... it's a, it's ammunitions factory.

Janet: Ohh, don't be silly, it's a... ahh.... uhh... a low cost housing project.

Clarissa: Is it one of those places where you can bold in your laundry and eat rips at the same time?

Marshall: It's a mall people, come on.

All: Ohhhh....

Marshall: Now, each little square in the honeycomb, that's a different store.

Janet: Oh, that is so clever Marshall.

Marshall: Thanks, well I hope it's a hit at the convention.

Clarissa: Oh, dad, about the convention. Uhm, you know we love your work, really. But Ferguson and I were... thinking that maybe this year we could... stay home.

Janet: By yourselves? Oh, I don't know kids.

Ferguson: We wouldn't really be alone with these tons of people in the neighbourhood.

Clarissa: And we could always call someone.

Ferguson: You and mom could use a night of romance.

Clarissa: A second honeymoon.

Ferguson: A dream vacation.

Both: Please.

Marshall: Well, I guess the convention is kind of technical for you kids.

Clarissa: It's way over our heads.

Marshall: You think we can trust them to stay out of trouble?

Ferguson: Absolutely dad. We wouldn't do anything we could get arrested for, right sis?

Clarissa: Sure, we're not gonna get... arrested.

Janet: Well, if you think they're ready, alright then.

Marshall: Alright, come on, let's go update that emergency phone number list.

Janet: Oh, good idea.

(they go into the kitchen 6:43)

Ferguson: Yes, yes, yes, this is the window of opportunity I've been looking for.

Clarissa: What are you talking about?

Ferguson: Oh, with mom and dad away, you can leave and I can throw a party.

Clarissa: Like anyone will come.

Ferguson: Oh, they'll come. I've got the invitation in my drawer, I just got to fill in the date. Popularity, here I come.

(he goes upstairs 7:02)

Clarissa: It took Fergrat a whole millisecond to abuse mom and dad's trust. But, who am I to talk. I mean, what would they say if they knew about a certain article of clothing. I better be careful to keep my underwear under raps.

(clipped to Janet coming into the living room 7:18)

Janet: Ferguson, could you come down here please, we want to discuss the trip.

Janet to Clarissa: Now, here is the list of emergency phone numbers.

(she hand Clarissa a paper 7:25)

Clarissa: The neighbourhood watch, the state police? What's the matter mom? Couldn't find the number for the FBI?

Janet: I think that's a bit much Clarissa.

(Ferguson enters 7:33)

Ferguson: Oh, better save than sorry, as I always say. You know criminals are on the lose everywhere. The tailor's garden gnomes got stolen right out of their front yard.

Marshall: Not the little guys in the red coats?

Ferguson: They're the ones.

Marshall: That burns me up. I mean, what makes people think they can just walk off with other people's property?

Clarissa: I don't know dad.

Ferguson: You know, I've heard that stealing gives the criminal's ego a boost.

Clarissa: A boost?

Marshall: Well, anyone who steals for an ego boost should get busted.

Clarissa: Busted?

Janet: Boosting leads to busting. That could be a very effective anti-crime slogan.

Ferguson: Yea, or, you boost it, you're busted.

Marshall: Or just bust the boosters. Which do you like sport?

Clarissa: Uhh, they're all great dad. Uhm, so, did you buy everything you need for the trip?

Janet: I think so. Oh, Clarissa, I saw this shirt, and I just had to get it.

(she hands her the shirt 8:27)

Janet: Oh, it is so cute.

(she shows the shirt, it's a striped black and white like a criminal outfit 8:34)
(3 flashes like she's a criminal, see images (not up yet) 8:35)

Clarissa: Ahh.

(Clarissa puts the shirt away 8:35)

Janet: Oh, you don't like it?

Clarissa: Like it? I love it. It's just that I... stuck myself on a pin. Ouch, that hurt.

Janet: Oh, be careful dear. Oh, Marshall, we should leave some money for emergencies. 50 dollars should do it.

Marshall: Right, oh, we better get packing. The Lomens are going to be here right and early to give us a lift.

Janet: Oh, Marshall, are you sure we shouldn't drive ourselves.

Marshall: Why waste the gas? Hehe, and little Lomens knows more knock-knock jokes than anybody I've ever met.

Janet: Aha, that's my point.

(they go upstairs 9:06)

Ferguson: Yes! Yes! Fifty bucks. This will be the greatest party ever.

Clarissa: What party?

Ferguson: My party, birdbrain.

Clarissa: Your party? You mean people actually wanted to come?

Ferguson: Everybody wanted to come when I said it was going to be unchaperoned.

Clarissa: Look Ferguson, I don't think the party is a good idea.

Ferguson: What so you mean?

Clarissa: Well, I just don't think we should take advantage of mom and dad's trust.

Ferguson: But I have to have this party.

Clarissa: Look, I am in charge, and I am responsible for what happens here. Sorry, the party is off.

Ferguson: You're not gonna get away with this. I'm going to... to....

Clarissa: What? Tell mom and dad? I don't think so. Now, don't you have a few phone calls to make?

Ferguson: Nuh!

(he goes upstairs 9:46)

Clarissa to us: I hate to ruin the Fergboys feeble attempt to social life. But party means people, and if anyone finds goods, the party is off for this girl.

(she points at herself 9:55)

Clarissa: Bigtime.

(end of scene 9:57)
(in her room 9:57)

Clarissa to us: I've been thinking a lot about guilt.

(she looks at the thing 10:02)

Clarissa: Why do we feel guilty when we get away with something? Why don't we feel like dancing? Guilt is powerful stuff. In Edgar Allen Poe's story 'The telltale heart', a guy kills an old men, and buries him under the floor. Then he starts hearing the old men's heart beating. Louder and louder, until he goes totally crazy and confesses.

(she puts the thing into her chest by the bed 10:24)

Clarissa: Not like that will happen to me. I mean, I got a much cooler head.

(knock on the door 10:28)

Clarissa yells: Who's there!

(Ferguson enters 10:30)

Clarissa: What's the deal, Fangesface?

Ferguson: I think the real question is, what's the deal with you? You know, I almost bought your mom and dad goody goody trust us story. Almost. But then I realised, something else was going on.

Clarissa: What are you talking about?

Ferguson: Oh, just this, sweet sister. You've been acting a little weird lately, weirder than usual. Jumpy, nervous, and sweaty palms.

Clarissa: Get out, you rodent.

Ferguson: If I didn't know better, I'd think your acting guilty.

(Clarissa gets looks strange 11:06)

Ferguson: What did you do sis? Sneak out after dark? Start smoking cigarettes? Whatever it is, I'll find out. And then I'll be your shadow, your worst nightmare.

Clarissa: You already are my worst nightmare.

(she starts pulling the chair he's sitting on out of the room 11:19)

Clarissa: Now move it.

(she closes the door when he's out, but he opens the door immediately again 11:24)

Ferguson: Mom and dad will buy you a certain amount of protection, but tomorrow they'll be gone, and then I'll get to the bottom of this.

(Clarissa closes the door again and locks it 11:33)
(a heartbeat starts 11:33)
(she opens the chest by the bed and looks into it 11:41)
(she closes it and sits on it 11:44)
(ladder hits 11:45)
(she screams, jumps up and looks at the chest but then sees the ladder and calms down 11:47)

Sam: You ok?

Clarissa: Hi Sam. Sure, I'm fine. I... just saw a spider.

Sam: You're not afraid of spiders.

Clarissa: Oh yea, how about a cockroach?

Sam: You guys don't have cockroaches?

Clarissa: We don't?

Sam: No, look Clarissa, why don't you tell me what's really wrong?

(she takes some book and walks to her mirror, acting really weird 12:11)

Clarissa: Nothing's wrong Sam.

Sam: You're obviously hiding something from me.

Clarissa: Why would I be hiding something from you? Would it make any sense at all for me to be hiding something from you?

Sam: Ok, Clarissa, fine.

(he prepares to leave 12:22)

Clarissa: Where are you going?

Sam: I'm not hanging out with someone who can't trust me.

Clarissa: Sam?

Sam: You know where you can find me when you decide you want to talk.

Clarissa: Sam? Sam?

Clarissa to us: Gee, Sam's never been mad at me before. Not really. And all for a piece of lingerie I didn't even want. Something has to be done.

(she gets the thing 12:50)

Clarissa: Alright you, this means war.

(commercial break 12:57)
(in her room 12:58)

Clarissa to us: Ok, here's what has been happening on the bustient front. I've tried forgetting it, I've tried hiding it, but finally I realised there's nothing I could do but get rid of it. First I tried to mail the thing back. But I'm a little short of cash this week, and the post office wouldn't take an 'I owe you'. Then I returned to the seen of the crime and casually tried to stash it back in the store. I forgot the place's revolving door. Then in the desperate moment, I actually thought about turning myself in. But the only salesperson I could find was the perfume lady. One squirt of wild musk and I couldn't breath, let alone speak for hours.

(the screen fills with pink smoke 13:32)
(Clarissa cleans it with her hands 13:34)

Clarissa: I don't wanna just destroy it, but why is it destroying me?

Marshall: Clarissa, we're leaving now.

Clarissa: Ok, dad. And now, for a fate worse than jail, a weekend alone with the Ferg-weasel.

(in the living room 13:52)

Marshall: Do we really need all this stuff? I mean, it's just an overnight trip.

Janet: Well, you know what they say, you need to pack as much for one night as for 2 weeks.

Marshall: Who says that?

Clarissa: The luggage industry.

Janet: Oh, now, Clarissa you have the money and the phone numbers, one more thing. Take my keys, in case you loose yours.

(she gives Clarissa her keys 14:05)

Marshall: Ohh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you sure you want to leave her all of your keys?

Janet: Oh, the car keys.

(Janet gets the keys back and tries to take them off 14:13)
(a car blows the horn and Ferguson opens the front door 14:14)

Ferguson: It's the Lomens. Come on dad, let me give you a hand with these.

Marshall: Oh, thanks. Ok, now, be good sport.

Janet: Ah, I can't seem to get this off.

Marshall: Oh, just leave it, I'm sure she won't take out the car, will you sport?

Clarissa: Of course not.

Janet: Well, ok. Now, no junk food, and no fighting. Alright?

Clarissa: Sure mom. Have a good time at the Lomens.

The Lomens: Hey, Janet, knock-knock.

Janet: Oh, no. Who's there Luke?

The Lomens: House design.

Janet: House design who?

The Lomens: How's the design getting any better?

(everyone laughs, then Janet goes 14:45)

Clarissa: How long have I waited for this moment? Maybe all my life. Wow, the car is mine, all mine! Then why do I feel so miserable? When you can't enjoy a joyride something is seriously wrong. Looks like this guilt thing has got me stuck in neutral.

(Ferguson enters 15:04)

Ferguson: Ahh, well sis, alone at last.

Clarissa: Don't start with me Fergbreath.

Ferguson: Start with you? I wouldn't want to start with you, I just thought you might want to... talk.

Clarissa: What do you mean?

Ferguson: Oh, come on, we both know you're in some kind of trouble. Maybe I could help.

Clarissa: I don't need your help.

(she goes into the house and Ferguson follows 15:25)

Ferguson: Fine, fine, uhm, I just thought I'd offer since we both know my interlect is, well, superior.

Clarissa: To plantain.

Ferguson: Says you, but then, you're the one with the problem.

Clarissa: I don't have a problem.

Ferguson: Ok, you just give me a call when you need me.

(he prepares to go upstairs 15:41)

Clarissa: Yea, like you can get rid of it.

Ferguson: Aha!

Clarissa: What?

Ferguson: You said 'it'.

Clarissa: So what?

Ferguson: Well, what is 'it'? Is it an object? Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Clarissa: There is no 'it'.

Ferguson: Do you have it here?

Clarissa: No.

Ferguson: So you wouldn't mind me checking your room for it?

(clipped to Clarissa in her room holding the door closed 15:56)

Ferguson: Open up, you can't hold in a whole weekend in there!

Clarissa: Oh, go hurt yourself.

(she sits down 16:04)

Clarissa to us: This is great. Now the Fergenader has got me cornered, I better hold up here for a while. Hold up? Did I just say hold up? Oh, this is great. Now I am even started to think like an outlaw. Just like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kids, or Jessie James. What's happening to me?

(clipped to a black and white sequence, the text 'Bustier kid wanted dead or alive' is shows 16:23)
(clipped to a store, Clarissa and Sam enter in some cowboy clothes 16:43)

Clarissa: Alright everybody, reach the sky.

Someone: Ohh.

(someone tries to stop her 16:52)

Clarissa: Don't get any fancy ideas.

Salesman: It's the bustier kid.

Sam: On the floor you varmits.

Salesman: And silk stocking Sam.

(Sam walks up to the salesman 17:04)

Sam: They're not silk, they're cheesecloth.

Sam to Clarissa: I hate that nickname.

Clarissa: Put the underwears in the bag and nobody gets hurt.

Some women: You'll never get away with this kid. Sooner or later they're gonna catch up to you outlaws.

Clarissa: In they're dreams. Come on stocking, lets blew this snakeon stang(???).

(they leave the store 17:32)
(clipped to two horses running 17:36)
(clipped to Marshall and Janet 17:40)

Janet: I don't know where we went wrong, she was always such a sweet girl.

Marshall: It's all my fault, I should have never given her her own pony.

Janet: No, I should have seen the warning signs, she always loved her babypental in with the ruffles(???).

Marshall: Can't you people just leave us alone?

(they go away 17:59)
(clipped to two horses running 18:00)
(clipped to Ferguson 18:05)

Ferguson: Good people of Deadwood, to restore my familie's honour and if I could say for all lowbatich citizens to buy unmentionables again, I swear to bring in my sister, the bustier kid, dead or alive. Thank you.

(clipped to two horses running 18:26)
(clipped to same store as before, Clarissa and Sam enter again 18:31)

Clarissa: Don't nobody move.

Some people: Ahhh.

(people go to the floor by themselves 18:36)

Salesman: The bustier kid.

Some women: And silk stocking Sam.

Sam: They're cheesecloth.

(they go to the salesmen 18:46)

Clarissa: Fill up the bag.

The salesman: Well, you did clean us out last time. All we got are these here, flowersack bloomers.

Clarissa: I'll take them.

Some women: No you won't.

(Clarissa turns to the women in a cool way 19:04)

Clarissa: Oh, yea, says who?

The women: Says me.

(it turns out it is Ferguson undercover 19:11)

Ferguson: The party is over kid.

(they drop their guns 19:14)
(clipped back 19:19)

Clarissa to us: I don't know how much more of this I can take. Ferg is about to beat down my door, I got the house practically to myself, and where am I spending the weekend? Locked in my room. Huh, I can't even steal the family car with a clear conscience. I'm a mess. Only if I could talk to someone.

(she looks at the phone, and finally walks up to it and dials somewhere 19:38)

Clarissa: Stockens? I mean... Sam? It's me. I'm ready to talk.

(clipped to Sam and Clarissa in her room 19:50)

Clarissa: Alright, you ready?

Sam: Let's see it.

(she goes to a drawer, takes the thing and gives Sam it 19:59)

Clarissa: Well?

Sam: Well? Well what? I've been watching MTV since I was in kindergarten. What am I supposed to do? Faint?

Clarissa: Sam, this isn't underwear in a music video, this is underwear, in my drawer, next to my socks, that I wear.

Sam: Now that you put it that way I get it.

Clarissa: You see why I have been acting so crazy.

(Ferguson manages to open the door 20:28)

Ferguson: Ahha!

(Sam gives Clarissa the thing 20:30)

Ferguson: What's going on in here?

Clarissa: Look Ferguson, I can explain.

Ferguson: Is that yours?

Clarissa: Mine? Oh well it's a, no it's, I mean... ohhh... what's the use, he's gonna find out anyway. No, it's not mine, but I kind of... stole it.

Ferguson: You stole it???

Clarissa: That's it, now Ferguson knows, now mom and dad are gonna know, and everyone in school is gonna know, and the whole world is gonna know.

Ferguson: Are you crazy? Like I want the whole world to know that my sister pintanced French underwear. If that gets out at the school, I'll never live it down.

Clarissa: Then you won't tell mom and dad?

Ferguson: Are you kidding? We got to get rid of that thing.

Clarissa: Yea, but the question is how. Maybe someone could bring it back and say they found it in a parking lot.

Ferguson: Don't look at me.

Clarissa: Sam?

Sam: Sorry.

Clarissa: Yea, I guess I can't ask you to do what I can't do myself.

Sam: You know, it's funny, it was so easy to get it out but now it's so hard to get it back in.

Clarissa: That's it!

Sam: What?

Clarissa: I'll just wear it back in. I'll wear it in, leave it in the dressing room and walk out.

Ferguson: Do you really think that will work?

Sam: What if someone gets suspicious?

Clarissa: Sam, do I look like someone who has anything to hide?

(clipped to front door, Sam and Ferguson go out, take position by the door and look in all directions like James Bond 21:39)

Sam: Alright, the coast is clear.

Clarissa (off screen): Are you sure? I feel so naked in this thing.

Sam: Totally sure.

Ferguson: Hurry up before someone sees.

(Clarissa enter in a overcoat that hides her completely 21:52)

Clarissa: Ok, let's do it.

(she puts up sunglasses and they all go 21:58)
(in the living room 22:02)

Ferguson: I can't we believe pulled that off.

Clarissa: No one even suspected.

Sam: It went just like clockwork.

Ferguson to Clarissa: I hope you learned your lesson.

(the front door opens and Janet and Marshall enter 22:10)

Janet: We're home.

Marshall: Hi.

Everyone: Hi.

Marshall and Janet: Ohhhh.

Clarissa: So, how was the convention?

Marshall: A laugh a minute. And my beehive mall was a big the main attraction. Oh, and guess who won 'bobing for gummy(???) racers'?

Ferguson: Two years in a row.

Clarissa: Nice going dad.

Janet: How did you get along here?

Clarissa: Great, right Ferguson?

Ferguson: Super.

Clarissa: And here's the 50 dollars, we didn't need any of it.

(she hands them the money 22:36)

Clarissa: And, here is the car keys, I think you'll find it's in one piece.

Marshall: See, now I told you there was nothing to worry about.

Janet: I guess we can leave you in charge more often Clarissa.

Clarissa: Sure, and time.

Janet: Oh, I brought you kids a little something.

(she gets some kind of a house hat out of her pocket 22:52)

Ferguson: A sky scraper hat, how quaint.

Janet: Isn't it a hout?

Ferguson: The hout.

(Janet laughs 22:58)

Janet: Oh, and Clarissa, I saw this in a laundry shop and just had to get it for you.

(Janet gives her a bag 23:04)

Clarissa: Ah, thanks.

Janet: Aren't you gonna open it?

Clarissa: Sure.

(she takes the thing carefully out of the bag, it's a pair of socks 23:11)

Clarissa: Cool.

(the end 23:16)