(in front of the house)

Clarissa to us: According to noted anthropologist Margaret Mead, people in every society perform certain rites of passage, things that mark an important period or change in their lives. For example, teenagers have proms, sweet sixteen, and first kisses. All rights of passage. But does it stop there? I'm afraid not. Grownups too fall prides in this universal phenomenon.

(clipped to parents getting a baby 0:25)

Clarissa: First, they become parents.

(big screams from the baby 0:29)
(clipped to Ferguson playing horribly on a violin 0:38)

Clarissa: Then comes your child's first recite.

(horrible sounds from the violin 0:42)
(clipped to Marshall and Clarissa in the living room in front of an object hidden with a white sheet 0:53)

Clarissa: And who can claim bonafide parenthood without this rite of passage.

(the object is unveiled, a car, and Clarissa jumps in Marshall's arms, extremely happy 0:57)
(clipped to the living room 1:03)

Clarissa: Then there are the parental rites of passage that come around the same time as far-sightedness, thinning hair and making that creaky noise when you bend. Collectively, they're known as "the modern" parental rite of passage. And it's guarantied to bump out everything and everyone in its path. It's called the dreaded midlife crisis. And I think my dad is having one.

(theme song 1:23)
(in her room 2:16)

Clarissa: Ok, it's dad's birthday next week, which probably explains why he's been so depressed lately.

(A life meter appears from 0 to 73.4, 2:23)

Clarissa: You see, the average male life expectancy these days is 73.4 years. And dad's about to crash-land right...

(she points in the middle of the life meter 2:28)

Clarissa: ...here. Prime for a major midlife crisis. Dad's been acting really bizarre lately, even by parental standards. Here's the Marshall Darling midlife crisis update.

(clipped to the family in the kitchen 2:41)

Marshall: If I where another person, looking at myself in the course of my life, I should be compelled to say that it almost end unavengedly. It consumed excessive doubt, created only in self-torment.

Janet: Marshall, you haven't been reading the diary of Franz Kafka again, have you?

Marshall: Only when my spirits need lifting.

(clipped to living room 3:01)

Clarissa: He's been taking an awful lot of long walks lately.

(Marshall enters through the front door 3:03)

Marshall: Ohhhhh.

Janet: How was your walk, dear?

Marshall: The walk was, you know, my walk. A long walk. I think I'll go for another walk.

(clipped to kitchen where everyone but Marshall is half-sleep trying to play a turn based game 3:18)

Clarissa: And he spends hours just staring into space.

Janet: It's your turn Marshall. Marshall? Marshall!

Marshall: I'm sorry. Did you say something?

(clipped back to Clarissa 3:32)

Clarissa: He was probably trying to figure out how to fit the word melancholy into the triple word score.

(ladder hits 3:37)

Clarissa: Hi Sam.

Sam: Hi Clarissa. What's with your dad? He say hi to him outside and he just muttered something about a long walk.

Clarissa: I guess he thinks if he walks enough, his birthday won't catch up with him.

Sam: There's nothing a grownup hates more than birthdays.

Clarissa: I think it's because of all the burning candles on the cake. Last year by the time by dad blew them all out, we ate more wax than frosting.

Sam: But my dad turned forty last year and he took it ok.

Clarissa: Sam, your dad went bungee jumping for his birthday, you call that handling it ok?

Sam: He was just trying to recapture his lost youth.

Clarissa: Majorly weird. But, there is one good thing about parent's birthdays.

Sam: What's that?

Clarissa: The older they get, the older we get. And the older we get...

Sam: Next semester.

Clarissa: The term we've all been waiting for.

Both: Drivers Ed.

Sam: Its never too early to start cramming. Let's do it.

Clarissa: Ok. When parking your car your vehicle should be no more than 1 foot from the curb. Tuh, I know that, I've known that for years. Now I'll finally be able to put that knowledge to practical use.

Sam: Do you think your dad will let you practice on his car?

Clarissa: I don't see why not. My dad doesn't drive anymore, he just walks and walks and walks and walks...

(end of scene 4:50)
(clipped to the living room 4:51)

Ferguson: End france amidy je mange toujours de grand magasin(not sure if it's right, French).

Janet: Ferguson, that sounds much better.

Clarissa: In France in the afternoon, I eat all the department stores? Sounds like big trouble in little French class for Ferguson.

Janet: Stick with it Ferguson, it's tough learning a foreign language.

Ferguson: That's right briebreath.

Clarissa: Yea, how many more jours until your French final?

Ferguson: Jours?

Clarissa: Days, master linguist.

Ferguson: I knew that, I'll do fine. I have a flair for foreign languages. Perhaps one day I'll serve the head interpreter for the United Nations.

Clarissa: Perhaps one day housecoats will be a major fashion statement.

(Marshall enter through front door 5:26)

Janet: How was your day dear?

Marshall: Oh, my day was, you know, a day. Another day. There are so, so many days.

Janet: How's the project going?

Marshall: Project? What project?

Janet: At waterman bakering confelter.

Marshall: I wouldn't exactly call redesigning corporate bathrooms for an accounting thermal project. After I won that award, bathroom jobs seem to be the only kind of work I can get. We did install some handsome comodes though. They flush, automatically.

Clarissa: Neat.

Marshall: It's a boring job but somebody has to do it.... And it's always me.

Janet: Now Marshall, there'll be other projects.

Marshall: Oh, of course there are my next projects. Uh, the new interior for Pizza Palace. Redesign socks and stuff at the malls. How did it all come to this?

Janet: You used to love designing all those things, you're a wonderful architect Marshall.

Clarissa: You're great dad.

Ferguson: Mei vi(not sure if it's right, French, 6:30).

Marshall: I had dreams, designing great houses, palaces like Frank Lud Light.

Janet: There's still time...

Marshall: Yea but years from now I wanna people to drive by houses I designed and say "That architectural masterpiece, that's a Marshall Darling".

Janet: They will, dear.

Marshall: Instead some junior executive will walk out of a bathroom stall and say what? "Nice fixture"?

Clarissa: You're young dad, you have your whole live ahead of you.

Marshall: If only that where true sport.

Clarissa: Life begins at 40, that's what they say.

Marshall: Life is an onion which one peels, crying.

(Marshall heads upstairs 7:04)

Janet: Marshall where are you going?

Marshall: Upstairs.

Clarissa: Is he still reading those heavy philosophy books?

Janet: No dear, just quoting from them. I think he's moved on to the biography of Paul Gokey.

Ferguson: The hockey player?

Clarissa: I see you're equally well-versed in French history. Gokey was a famous French painter.

Janet: Who gave up everything to move to Tahiti to paint. Oh, isn't that romantic. Listen. Let's not make a big deal of your father's birthday next week. He's going through a rather sensitive time right now.

Ferguson: Are we having cake?

Clarissa: Sensitive as always.

Janet: I found a great recipe for Zucchini Kerap Tort. I want everything to be loky until your father's feeling better, but what's a birthday without a cake.

(Janet and Ferguson go to the kitchen 7:53)

Clarissa to us: Zucchini Kerap Tort? Je crois que je vais vomir. (French, I think I'm gonna barf 7:56)

(end of scene 7:59)
(in Ferguson's room, he's listening to a tape 8:00)

Tape: Le masrin enmasren cona bur(very likely completely incorrect, French). Margarine is less expensive than butter.

(Clarissa appears in the doorway, Ferguson doesn't see her 8:11)

Ferguson: Le maraserin estavnomotarsy kele butter(very likely completely incorrect, French).

Clarissa: Trevege mon tre(very likely completely incorrect, French).

(Ferguson shuts the door 8:18)
(Clarissa goes to her room where Sam is also 8:22)

Sam: So how is the French scholar doing?

Clarissa: He'll least till final. He just said he likes margarine even less than donkeys.

Sam: Ok, back to work.

Clarissa: We've been at it for hours Sam. I never realised the hardest part of driving will be picking the right key chain.

Sam: What do you think of this one?

Clarissa: Wally's world of waterbeds? Totally uncool.

Sam: Maybe I'll just use the key chain that comes with my uncle's car.

Clarissa: I wish my uncle would give me a car. I wish anyone's uncle would give me a car.

Sam: It's kind of a wreck. A 77 or 78 with over a 150 thousand miles.

Clarissa: Wheels are wheels Sam. Let's study for the test a little more.

Sam: Ok, what's this?

(he puts out his hand to the left 9:04)

Clarissa: You're making a left turn.

(he turns the hand up in the air 9:05)

Clarissa: Right turn.

Sam: How many car lengths should you leave between you and the car ahead of you?

Clarissa: One car length for each ten miles. Sam, this is a breeze. I'm ready for honours drivers Ed.

Sam: Hey, wanna come over tonight and watch the car races on the sports network?

Clarissa: Can't. It's the day we where all hoping would fall of the face of the calendar.

Sam: Oh right, your dad's birthday.

Clarissa: Mom's making a birthday dinner to celebrate.

Sam: Celebrate? Is your dad in the mood to celebrate?

Clarissa: I don't know, I think he's finally accepted the inevitable. I actually saw him smile this morning.

Sam: Maybe he's finally recaptured his lost youth.

Clarissa: Man, I hope not. You know when you're on the highway and you see this red corvette of porch, and you think it's Lute Perry with Madonna in the passenger seat.

Sam: Then you pull up beside the car and see some middle-aged balding guy.

Clarissa: What a waste. But you know, sometimes that middle-aged guy has a teenage daughter who would look great in the porch. Hmm, maybe this midlife crisis could work to my advantage.

(end of scene 10:07)
(in the kitchen 10:08)

Marshall: What's for dinner?

Janet: Butter nut squas ogra tenth.

Ferguson: Put on neva see ho pled, pass le be(very likely completely incorrect, French).

Clarissa: You just asked me to pass the bath.

Ferguson: No, I didn't. I said bread, le be, bread.

Janet: I think you meant le pe. They sound the same, lots of people make that mistake.

Clarissa: You know, I read somewhere that the only true way to master a foreign language is to live among the natives.

Marshall: Ah, there's a lot of truth in that sport.

Clarissa: Well, maybe it would help if we sent Ferguson to France.

Ferguson: French babes, great food, a sister 4000 miles away. Say yes.

Marshall: Hehehe, Ferguson. Ah, you know, I can't tell you what this means to me to have you all here tonight.

Clarissa: Dad, we're here every night.

Janet: It's great to see you in such a good mood Marshall.

Clarissa: Yea dad. Getting older isn't so bad. You've just got to start treating yourself better. You know, get a massage, take up a new hobby, buy yourself presents. A new car for example.

Marshall: You know, I never thought that I'd experience the classic midlife crisis.

Janet: You have been awfully hard on yourself lately Marshall.

Marshall: Well, it's really quite common. Oh, you know Paul Gokey gave up his career as a stockbroker to move to Tahititi to paint.

Ferguson: Now that, that's crazy.

Clarissa: Way too radical. I think it's better to take to the road with the wind in the hair and the open highway striking you past it.

Janet: I don't know Clarissa. Sometimes getting away has perspective to your life, but to Tahiti is a long way to go.

Marshall: Yea, and it's hardly the tropical paradise it was in Gokeyn's day.

Janet: Progress tends to squat the national beauty of so many things.

Marshall: Well, there's no point in beating around the bush. I've decided to make a change to my life, in all of our lives..... We're going to move.

Janet: Marshall?

Clarissa: Move? We're moving?

(Marshall lifts up a page in some magazine 11:54)

Marshall: Now, what do you see?

Clarissa: A speck.

Ferguson: Retkam.

Marshall: Janet, Clarissa, Ferguson, this is our new home. We are moving to untouched, unspoiled, Mango Island in the South Pacific.

Ferguson and Janet: Mango island?

Marshall: Yea.

Clarissa to us: Moving to Mango island. I think I'm about to have a mid-teen crisis.

(end of scene 12:21)
(in her room with some book 12:22)

Clarissa to us: Look, the traffics. Were your hair frizzis, there is no cable and every beverage comes with a dopey parasol flooding in it. Here's what I've been learning about Mango island so far.

(clipped to showing some island 12:33)

Clarissa: Mango island. Come along with us to this enchanting island paradise, and enjoy a friendly welcome from the entire population. Plus a wide variety of native products, ashtrays made from coconuts, wallhangings made from coconuts, those giant strobreks everybody buys on vacation, and of course Mangoes.

(clipped back to her 12:54)

Clarissa: Personally, I'm having a hard time getting into palanicha mood. But then, not everyone feels the way I do. Here's the moving to Mango update.

(clipped to Marshall throwing pencils and such into a chest 13:03)

Clarissa: Dad's certain his primitive wrack in the middle of nowhere will bring out the artist in him.

(clipped to Janet calling somewhere and everyone else sits and listens 13:08)

Clarissa: Mom won the good sport of the universe award for making us all play along.

Janet to the phone: Mango island tourist bruel? I have a question about the krocks grown there. Do you have the brocko flower?

Janet to the kids: Good news kids, they do.

(they nod their heads a lot 19:22)

Janet to the phone: Oh, Thank you. Ahh.

(clipped to Ferguson in his room reading some book 13:27)

Clarissa: And Fergbrain is in a state of total panic.

Ferguson: The mangoes, a kind and gentle people, speak only French. French? Ahhhhhhhh!

(clipped back to her 13:39)

Clarissa: Mom says "Don't worry, we probably won't move", but mom also said that Ferguson would probably mature someday, and look how that turned out.

(ladder hits 13:46)

Clarissa: Hi Sam.

Sam: Bonjour, mon ami! I've got something for you. My dad got these sunscreens for free at the Petlerbutle Bardo last year, "I'll always be a forty, I think". Just to think for your trip to that sunny tropical paradise.

Clarissa: Very funny Sam. I'm not going, I'll chain myself to the bed.

Sam: But I thought your mom said you weren't really going anyway.

Clarissa: She just said that my dad was going through a phase and we'd have to let it pass.

Sam: What's so hard about that?

Clarissa: Sam, my dad is major extension enxst. By the time this phase passes, we could be living in a hut someplace.

Sam: Come on, it will never happen. You're not really moving. Just pretend you're site until your dad forgets the whole thing.

Clarissa: Sam, I can't do this. I won't do this. From this moment on, I swear I will have absolutely nothing to do with Mango Island.

(end of scene)
(Clarissa in the kitchen with a fancy Mango island dress on, making some bark soft 14:36)

Clarissa to Janet: How much longer do I have to do this?

Janet: 'till it's soft and tender. Treebark is an important stable to the Mangoies, they use it for decoration, for clothes and even as a food.

Clarissa: They eat bark???

Janet: Oh, it's a delicacy, so I'd imagine only on special occasions. They rely chiefly on...

Clarissa and Ferguson: Mangos.

Ferguson: How many more of these do I have to peel?

Janet: Well let's see, uh we have enough of the mangos do, and the mangoes salety swas, two more of these mango punsies should do it.

Clarissa: Mom, Ferguson and I have been talking.

Janet: You have?

Clarissa: Do we really have to go through with this?

Ferguson: Why can't dad have a normal mid-life crisis? Take up a death-defying hobby, join a rock band or something.

Janet: Kids, we need to talk.

Clarissa and Ferguson: Uh oh.

Janet: Your father needs to endolt with his side right now, and he's done a lot for the two of you. So lets try to give him our support.

Ferguson: Though I'm always willing to support my families decisions, maybe Mango island's a bit extreme, why not long island?

Clarissa: I'm gonna miss my home, my friends, my community, drivers Ed.

Janet: As I told you, I'm sure we're not going, so don't worry. Sooner or later, I'm absolutely positive your father will snap out of it.

Clarissa: Yea mom, you're probably right. He'll definitely snap out of it.

(sound of a horn 15:57)
(Marshall enters 16:01)

Marshall: Listen.

(he blows into a conch 16:04)

Marshall: Do you know what that is? Oh, it's the ancient Mangoies costom for welcoming a new day.

Clarissa: Every day?

Marshall: At dawn. We'll be fishing for our food each morning.

Ferguson to himself: I hate fish.

Janet: Ferguson.

Ferguson: I mean, I hate American fish. I am however looking forward for sampling off authentic Mango fish.

Marshall: We'll be eating raw fish for breakfast Ferguson, that's just the beginning.

Ferguson: Raw fish?

Marshall: Just think, a place with no stereos, no telephones, no bathrooms. I'll never have to design a bathroom again. Hehe. This is going to be a wonderful adventure.

Clarissa: Wonderful? (she looks at her mom) Wonderful!

Marshall: Yea. Now, I picked up the pass boards this afternoon, and the real-estate broker are sending in some people over to look at the house.

Janet: Our house?

Marshall: Janet, this is it, there's no turning back. And we'll build our hut the first week we arrive. And then we'll be free of this forever. Civilisation, who needs it?

Clarissa to us: Why do I get the feeling that if we keep playing along we're gonna hit reality, hard.

(end of scene 17:14)
(some people are looking at the house, in Clarissa's room 17:18)

Mrs Crepplehorn: Well, the closet's a little small, I really don't think it's going to accomodate Jany's clothes. Our Jany's a clotheshorse.

Mr Crepplehorn: We could always knock out the wall, extend it to...

Clarissa: My wall?

Mrs Crepplehorn: I suppose, the walls are going to be repainted anyway. It's such a drab, pink.

Clarissa: Drab? I like this colour, I picked it up myself.

Mrs Crepplehorn: A nice peach, or perhaps mocha.

Clarissa: Mocha? She want's to paint my room in ice-cream flavour.

Marshall: Well, it's really a great space. There's a lot you can do with it, and feel free to do whatever you like.

Clarissa: Within reason, after all, we could be coming back, couldn't we?

Mr Crepplehorn: My wife has a real flair for decorating, you won't recognise the place.

Mrs Crepplehorn: And, all this... stuff will be put into storage.

Marshall: Well, you can have it furnished or not.

Both: Not.

Mrs Crepplehorn: Except for perhaps the cedar chest. Once striped and repainted, Jany can store all her cardigans in it.

Clarissa: Sorry, it's coming with us.

Mrs Crepplehorn: Ohh, I suppose this will have to do until we can find something truly unique. Like our old country house in grantadge. Grantadge, I weep for grantadge.

Mr Crepplehorn: We may just be forced to build. We're dying to find something futuristic, yet cosy, and cosy, yet inviting.

Marshall: Oh, like the Gokonhad, with fireplaces and bay windows.

Mr Crepplehorn: Excactly.

Clarissa: You know, my father is an architect.

Mr Crepplehorn: Really?

Clarissa: A great innervating futuristic architect.

Marshall: Was an architect, sport. We're about to embark in an adventure in the south sea.

Clarissa: Hey dad, you could design them a house. He's won a lot of awards.

Marshall: Awards? Puff, they're meaningless.

Clarissa: Would you like to see some of the stuff he's done?

Mr Crepplehorn: Well, why not.

Clarissa: His office is right downstairs.

Mr Crepplehorn: Mr Darling, what do you say?

Marshall: Well, you might get an idea from some of my work.

Clarissa: Ideas? He's so modest. More like inspiration.

(clipped to the living room 19:12)

Mr Crepplehorn: Your work is incredible Mr Darling. I wish I could persuade you to change your mind.

Marshall: Oh, it's tempting, but you know, we're gonna be...

Mrs Crepplehorn: We're thinking about calling it "Four winds".

Clarissa: Four winds?

Mrs Crepplehorn: The home your father refuses to build for us.

Mr Crepplehorn: We're willing to give you carte blanche.

Marshall: Oh, I'm not refusing...

Clarissa to them: He's not refusing.

Marshall: No, it's just that, you know, we're about... Did you say carte blanche?

Mrs Crepplehorn: I know, I know, you're off on a journey, a quest.

Mr Crepplehorn: Have you ever seen tropical marchitos? Bigger than squirrels. Build us our dream house. We want to live in a Darling house.

Clarissa: A darling.

Marshall: Darling? Oh, I always dreamed. No, I can't, I'm afraid our plans are iron clad.

(Janet enters through the front door 19:53)

Janet: Hello, everyone.

Clarissa: Hi mom.

Marshall: Oh, hi Janet. These are the Crepplehorns.

Mrs Crepplehorn: We just love your home. It got so much, potential.

Janet: Thank you.

Mr Crepplehorn: Of course, we'd rather your husband design something for us. But he won't take our offer.

Janet: An offer, Marshall?

Marshall: Oh, it's nothing.

Mr Crepplehorn: Think it over, Mr Darling.

(they get ready to leave 20:18)

Janet: Bye.

(they leave 20:18)

Clarissa: Have you thought it over yet dad?

Marshall: Well, there's nothing to think about, sport. Except of course our great adventure, a fantasy soon to become a reality.

Clarissa to us: Mango island? Soon to become a reality? Soon to become a nightmare.

(end of scene 20:37)
(in the kitchen 20:39)

Marshall: Well, time's ticking away. Every day we're one step closer to adventure, excitement. Oh, um, look what came today.

(he puts a lot of paper on the table 20:54)

Janet: Are those the tickets?

Marshall: Yea.

Clarissa: Looks like they've been taking steroids.

Marshall: Well, it's a, uhm, it's not very easy to get to Mango island, sport. We have to change planes six times.

Janet: Six times?

Marshall: Yea, and then we have to take a ferry over from Fiji. And we're five days on the ferry.

Janet: Five days?

Marshall: Yea, and of course the almanac says that this really is not the best time to go to Mango island. Monsoon season.

Janet: Monsoon season?

Marshall: And then, there's mount namby kifoo.

Janet: Tell me there's beautiful view.

Marshall: No, it's a smouldering erratic and very active volcano.

Janet: Ohh, that does it Marshall, I have played along with the Mango mashing, I've put up with the conch-shell wakeup calls but I can't take anymore.

Marshall: I don't wanna to go.

Janet: What?

Marshall: The Crepplehorns want me to design their new house, I have complete artistic freedom. So I've decided to say yes.

Janet: Oh, Marshall, I'm thrilled.

Marshall: Well, somehow I get the sense that you kids aren't greatly disappointed.

Clarissa: Well, we'll adjust dad. We have great cooping skills.

Ferguson: We'll deal with it, like mature people.

Clarissa: We're flexible, got to be flexible, it's a good quality.

Ferguson: Of course, I was fully prepared to sacrifice in the name of family harmony.

Janet: What a lovely thought Ferguson.

Clarissa: And so sansier. So does this mean the mid-life crisis is over?

Marshall: Oh, I'm pretty sure it does, sport. But then, who knows, you know, maybe this could be a warm-up, maybe my mid-life crisis is years away.

Clarissa: Well, dad, if it does come back soon and we have to go through this again, do you think, maybe we could go though it in, a red porch?

(end of scene 22:38)
(in front of the house 22:40)

Sam: Look at this. If you get a convertible with leather interior, it's only 2000 dollars more.

Clarissa: 2000 dollars? You know Sam, by the time I save it for my dream car I may be having my own mid-life crisis.

(Ferguson enters on bike 22:53)

Clarissa: Well if it isn't the French fry. So how's your new French teacher? Did you get Moun Shou Letce?

Sam: Spitting Willy Jolet? You better bring an umbrella, (...some interferences in my sound... 23:02-23:04).

Ferguson: Actually I discovered failing French class isn't so bad when you have Mederman So Rena.

Sam: You got Rena? She is hot.

Ferguson: Well, time to go study. As they say, ser se le ben(very likely completely incorrect, French).

(he goes into the house 23:23)

Clarissa: I just had a frightening thought Sam.

Sam: What's that?

Clarissa: Ferguson, years from now suffering through his mid-life crisis, looking back at his youth, and trying to recapture it.

Sam and Clarissa: Eeww!

(the end 23:37)