(in the back yard, a frispy lands near Clarissa)

Clarissa to us: The human brain is an amazing thing, the inventions we brought into this world. Imagine, three billion years of evolution to create, this.

(she shows the frispy)

Ferguson yells: Hey! Over here!

Clarissa: Mind boggles when you think about evolution, especially when you realise our pre-historic ancestors couldn't think at all. Not with brains about as big as plums.

Ferguson yells: Hey! Swat it back, will ya!

Clarissa: They crawled eyroots and bark, noone owned frispys.

(clipped to a picture with Ferguson as some very primitive caveman 0:27)

Clarissa: The first giant leak was called homo habilis. Habilis created tools to hunt and dig, he wasn't really human but at least he was smarter than a plum.

(clipped to same caveman, he now has fire and is cooking something 0:37)

Clarissa: The next stage in development was homo erectus. Erectus discovered fire. Ok, so it wasn't the microwave but at least you could cook your food. Maybe erectus had a bigger brain but he still smelled worse than a goat.

(clipped to same caveman, he now has some nicer clothes on 0:50)

Clarissa: Then came homo sapiens, modern humans, us. Homo sapiens discovered speech so he could give voice to our minds and express our emotions.

The caveman: Baa, pa, pars nic, parsnip.

Clarissa: Of course, some creatures have more on their mind than others.

(clipped back 1:06)

Ferguson yells: Would you throw back the frispy, already?

Clarissa: Ok, I'll admit learning to speak was a big development, but I'd trade all of our finest achievements, the automatic teller machine, the five-speed transmission, and chocolate chip milkshakes, to never hear Ferguson speak again. I wonder, could I stand the peace?

(Ferguson enters and takes the frispy 1:22)

Ferguson: Thanks for nothing Barf-face.

Clarissa: Could I ever be that lucky?

(theme song 1:29)
(in the kitchen, Clarissa is reading the paper 2:20)

Clarissa: Amazing, I can't believe it.

(she cuts something out of the paper 2:26)

Clarissa: Cancarets, only 59 cents. Wow, what am I doing? Who cares about a coupon of cancarets. I hate cancarets. And I hate clipping coupons. It's a dangerous business. What looks like a great deal on the newspaper, is no bargain on the dinner plate. Of course, I wouldn't be here at all except for this guy. Fishface Eddy, the biggest gangster in the state, and my mom's on the jury. The paper's full of stuff about the trial, so that's why she's not allowed to read the paper. So who gets stuck getting coupons?

(she points at herself 3:00)

Clarissa: And that ladies and gentlemen of the jury is the real human tragedy of organised crime.

(Ferguson enters 3:03)

Ferguson: Done with the paper yet?

Clarissa: Why, did you mess all over the carpet again? Bad dog, bad dog!

Ferguson: Oh, you're in a rare form today. You mind hurrying up?

Clarissa: Do you mind stuffing the sofa in your mouth?

Ferguson: Ok, you just call me when you're done with the paper, or if you need any help with the big words.

Clarissa: Wait! What does this word mean, wratresite?

Ferguson: Ah, that means "killing your brother", ehehe, very funny.

(Ferguson leaves 3:28)

Clarissa to us: Of course, there is a brighter side of clipping coupons, you control what the family eats. And you learn how coupons save money.

(as she names the food, the savings appear on the screen 3:35)

Clarissa: For instance, this is the savings on low fat yoghurt, celery, and call-sera-mich-odget. Yippee. Now here is what you save on candy, grove punch, and single serven choning teeth cake(???). Huge. Though the junk food costs more to start, makes you fat, and wrath your teeth. But hey, look at the savings. Won't mom be proud?

(Ferguson enters again 3:54)

Ferguson: What is taking you so long?

Clarissa: It was just a lovely family, a father, a mother, a daughter, when out of the use, came something so viol...

Ferguson: Look, enough. I just want the paper.

Clarissa: And still he speaks. Well, I'll tell you Fergberg, I got distracted by this letter to the editor, from your real parents... on Mars. It says here they refuse to take you back, because they know how unpopular you are on Earth.

Ferguson: Ahha, real' funny, you know, you can just... you're a...

Clarissa: Come on.

Ferguson: You're a...

Clarissa: Give me your best shoot.

Ferguson: You'd like that, wouldn't you? So you can insult me again. Well, maybe for once, I won't give you that satisfaction.

Clarissa: You mean you're speechless? I can't believe it, my prayers are answered.

Ferguson: Until you apologise for your constant insults, I'm staying silent.

Clarissa: Finally, peace and quiet.

Ferguson: Quiet? Maybe. Peace? I think not.

Clarissa: Ferguson thinks not, truer words were never spoken.

(Clarissa resumes clipping out of the paper and Ferguson just looks at her 4:53)

Clarissa: Are you just gonna sit there saying nothing?

(Ferguson nods 4:58)

Clarissa: Are you trying to drive me crazy?

(Ferguson nods 5:04)

Clarissa: Did you know that sometimes crazy people commit murder?

(Marshall enters with a bag of groceries 5:11)

Marshall: Hey guys. Is your mom home yet?

Clarissa: Not yet dad. Dad, lets say you wanted to kill your brother. Would you get the chair or a metal?

Marshall: Clarissa, isn't one trial on this family enough?

Clarissa: Look at him dad. He just sits there.

Marshall: He's doing nothing. That's annoying you?

Clarissa: He's doing nothing on purpose.

Marshall: Well, Clarissa, that is hardly a capital offence.

Clarissa: Dad, he won't stop.

Marshall: Well, I don't know how to stop nothing. Ahh, wait a minute. Is this the silent treatment?

(Ferguson nods 5:47)

Clarissa: It's the silent treatment alright.

Marshall: Oh, well, it's a classic. And I got to tell you, sport, it's almost impossible to beat. I don't know what you did, but just go ahead and apologise before it really gets to you.

Clarissa: What, you think I can't get him to break down?

Marshall: Well, I've never seen it happen. Except for that one time with the Craccerdurby brothers.

Clarissa: Who were they?

Marshall: I grew up with these guys. Jim and Jeff Craccerdurby. Jim didn't talk to his brother for four and a half years, until he finally spoke.

Clarissa: What happened?

Marshall: Well, he finally yelled "Watch out!", just as Jeff got hit by the bus.

Clarissa: Gross.

(Janet enter 6:19)

Janet: Hello everybody.

Marshall: Hey, look who's here. How'd it go honey?

Janet: Now, you know the rules, no talking about the case.

Marshall: How can you sit on the jury that is trialing Fishface Eddy and not talk about it, especially the way they caught him... surveillance... the wire tap...

Clarissa: Yea, the paper says that...

Janet: Now, both of you stop.

Marshall: Oh, come on. We won't tell anybody.

Janet: No.

Clarissa: Mom, you're acting like your own house is bugged.

Janet: Don't be silly, they wouldn't do that. I mean, they do have all our names and addresses but...

(Janet takes a pepper mill and talks to it 6:46)

Janet: Testing... one, two, three, hehe. Ferguson, you haven't said a word, are you alright?

Marshall: The silent treatment.

Janet: Ohh, with who? Clarissa?

Marshall: Yea.

Janet: Oh, well, good luck dear. And Clarissa, strawberry cheesecake? There's no way I'm buying that.

(Ferguson smiles silently at Clarissa 7:03)

Clarissa to Ferguson: Shut up.

(end of scene 7:08)
(in her room 7:11)

Clarissa to us: What can make Ferguson break his silence? Well, I could break his neck. It's one of the 47 different body parts that I've discovered when bend inshow is guarantied to produce at least an 'ouch'. But pain, as a solution? I don't know. I need a plan, I need inspiration, I need help.

(ladder hits 7:29)

Clarissa: Hi Sam. You're just the man I wanted to see.

Sam: What's up?

Clarissa: If you wanted to do something really awful to someone, guarantied to make him scream at you, what would you do?

Sam: That's easy, I'd ask you.

Clarissa: Come on Sam, Fergface won't fight with me and it's driving me nutch.

Sam: Wait a minute, I thought you hate fighting with him.

Clarissa: Don't you see, he is fighting by not fighting, the ultimate battle between us, worse than any fight before. He's torturing me and he's using the silent treatment.

Sam: Ough, quit now, just do whatever he wants, apologise and get it over with.

Clarissa: No way. Now, so far, I've come up with tidying all of his underwear, but that's out because I'd actually have to touch his underwear.

Sam: Anything else?

Clarissa: Well, I could mix shampoo with his mashed potatoes, but why waste a perfectly good shampoo.

Sam: There's something we used to do in scouts that got people pretty mad. You wait until the guy is asleep, and then you spread peanut butter in between his toes.

Clarissa: I don't know, seems pretty juvinle. Chunky or plain?

Sam: How far apart are his toes?

(Clarissa lifts her hand 8:28)

Sam: I'd stick to the plain.

Clarissa: Tell me Sam, is this what you learn in scouts?

Sam: Well, they try to teach you the basics, so you grow up right.

Clarissa: I'll try it, but somehow I think I'm gonna need something more.

Sam: Really?

Clarissa: This is no human child we're talking about, this is Ferguson.

(end of scene 8:47)
(Janet is in the living room and is heading to the kitchen but stops and Marshall bumps into her 8:49)

Marshall: Oh.

Janet: Ahh, Marshall, hi.

Marshall: Hi.

Janet: Were you just going into the kitchen?

Marshall: Yea.

Janet: Oh.

Marshall: Is something not right?

Janet: Ohh, well, it's probably nothing to worry about. But it was a little problem with the refrigerator so Stuye Stompinghammer sent over a repairman.

Marshall: Yea.

Janet: Well, it was a new guy.

Marshall: Yea.

Janet: Well, how do I know if it really was one of Stuye's men? It could have been, you know, somebody working for the government or Fishface Eddy.

Marshall: Janet? Aren't you a little caught up in this trial?

Janet: Marshall, if you only knew how they planted that bug on Fishface, you would... Let's just say I had no idea what they could go with high-tech electronics in a bowl of stuffed olives.

Marshall: So you want me to?

Janet: Just check the fridge for anything out of the ordinary, you know like a microphone or something.

Marshall: A microphone?

Janet: Shhh, not so loud. The cops could be listening or one of Fishface's goose.

(Clarissa enters 9:52)

Clarissa: Excuse me, can I get through? Everybody ok?

Marshall: Yea.

(she goes into the kitchen 9:59)

Janet: Oh, and Marshall, could you take these coupons in? I mean, since you're going in anyway.

Marshall: Oh, sure, there's no problem.

Janet: Thanks dear.

(in the kitchen 10:09)
(Clarissa opens a jug but gets disappointed because it is empty 10:09)
(Marshall enter 10:11)

Marshall: Hey sport, what's up?

Clarissa: Tell me dad, what is it about little brothers?

Marshall: You have to give me more to going on, sport.

Clarissa: Is there some magazine they get with instructions on how to bother everyone? Or is there some special skills class at school that girls don't know about where brothers learn their annoying little habits?

Marshall: Yea, what habits are those?

Clarissa: Well, you know, little things like, opening their eyes in the morning, yawning, breathing. Is there some sixth sense they possess which tells them to eat all the peanut butter just when you come up with a perfectly amazing use for it?

Marshall: Ohh, boy. Sport, I've never seen the silent treatment work this fast. I'm telling you, give it up. Save yourself the frustration, and live to find another day.

Clarissa: No way, I'm just warming up.

Marshall: Sport, I know this sounds crazy, but have you noticed anything strange about the fridge or what's in it?

Clarissa: It's all pretty strange dad, haven't you noticed? Mom does most of the cooking.

Marshall: Yea.

(end of scene 11:08)
(in her room 11:11)

Clarissa: I just don't know what it is about Ferguson that keeps us locked in this constant tragic conflict. He's like this inflamed tonsil that just keeps grimes and grimes at you. Except of course, tonsils can be removed. No, it's more like when you bash your big toe in a table leg, every time you think it's finally healed, you smack it into a door and suddenly, you remember your toe still hurts. That's Ferg the Fargo right, just a great big bashed toe that just won't heal.

(ladder hits 11:35)

Clarissa: Hi Sam.

Sam: Hey Clarissa. I'm sorry, but we're all out of the straight stuff. All we had was this kind of peanut butter with jelly all swirled around inside already.

Clarissa: That's definitely gross enough. But I'm on to something else. This is my new computer aided design software from the friendly folks at Dr. Torture. Take a look.

Sam: Hey, cool.

Clarissa: Here's how it works. You design your project on the screen, then use it as a blueprint in real life. See, when Ferg opens the door, it spins the waiped bike here, that times the cork on the plunger who pulls open the medicine chest door, breaking this chain of toilet keeper which sets off the final awfully step. The frying pan falls, splat, into a set full of bonny slimy of muck. Watch.

(animation of the process 12:19)

Clarissa: Out of the frying pan and into Fergies face.

Sam: That's truly disgusting.

Clarissa: That will make the nitnys freak scream, and end this stupid silent treatment.

Sam: You sure it'll work?

Clarissa: Guarantied. I'm gonna nail that squirt.

Sam: Clarissa, you can't call him squirt anymore, he's been growing, he's taller than you are.

Clarissa: There's height and there's stature, Sam. Never confuse the two.

(end of scene 12:44)
(in front of the bathroom, Clarissa is closing the door and Ferguson appears, heading into it but Clarissa stops him 12:46)

Clarissa: Oh dearest brother. Can I have a moment? I was just wondering, when I beat you and I announce it to the world, which would be more embarrassing, large Ed in one newspaper, or small Eds in every newspaper in the world?

(Ferguson tries to get by her 12:58)

Clarissa: So what you're saying is I should just use my judgement?

(Ferguson resumes walking again 13:02)

Clarissa: Ferganerd! Ultimately you will lose, you know, and your little silent world will come crashing down on you.

(Marshall appears 13:09)

Marshall: Excuse me kids, I got to go.

Clarissa: Wait dad!

Marshall: In a minute Clarissa.

Clarissa: Dad, you don't understand!

(Marshall enters the bathroom and horrible sounds hears from Clarissa's trick 13:14)

Marshall: Ahhhh! Clariiiiisa!!!!

(Ferguson is smiling and goes away 13:22)

Clarissa: That's it. He talks, or I'll die making him.

(commercial break 13:28)
(in her room, on her bed 13:30)

Clarissa: Ok, I've been silent long enough. I never realised how 2 minutes and 44 seconds could be. This silent treatment Ferguson's been giving me for days now, it's become an act of will for him, almost a mission. It's given Ferguson a new reason to live, of course I can't allow that. The old reason was perfect enough, my parents brought Ferguson into this world to be my victim. It's like those nature shows on TV. I'm the lioness and he is the world of beast. The lunch meal of the jungle(???). But now is time for a silent treatment update, because Ferguson isn't all that strange these days.

(clipped to her parents in the living room 14:00)

Clarissa: Last night, dad was watching that show he likes on public TV, suddenly...

(explosion sound 14:05)

Janet: Ahhh!!

(Janet jumps up and hides behind the sofa 14:08)

Clarissa: Turned out it was just a car back firing, but for hours, mom thought Fishface Eddy was after her.

(clipped to Clarissa and Ferguson in front of his room 14:15)

Clarissa: While Ferguson's has started to upset my normally calm waters.

Clarissa from scene: dummy, mutt-face, barf-brains, (speed increased so words can't be made out when listened at normal speed) armpit, chimp cheeks, slug-leimpy, drool bucket sport, spittle-face, geek, Fergalizer, dink, whopper-mouth, cheese brain, teacher's pet, steaming turd from outer space that landed on my head, I plegiance (should be 'pledge allegiance', but she doesn't say that) to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all!

(clipped back 14:30)

Clarissa: I went through the alphabet six times, there are no more insults, not in English.

(ladder hits 14:36)

Clarissa: Hi Sam.

Sam: Hey Clarissa. I picked up some book that might help you.

Clarissa: Let's see.

(he hands her them one by one 14:47)

Clarissa: "A spy expose a secret", "Torture in the middle ages", "Mine human sacrifice"? No, nothing strong enough. What's this? "Training your parrot to talk"?

Sam: I told you I got everything. And it came with these seeds.

Clarissa: Thanks Sam, but I don't think it's gonna work.

Sam: Well, I thought we could get a parrot and teach it to talk back to you.

Clarissa: It just wouldn't be the same. I got to get things back the way with my bird-brain brother, me insulting him, him insulting me. It's the American way.

Sam: Too bad the way to beat the silent treatment is so sickening. Well, anyway...

Clarissa: Hold it. What did you say?

Sam: What?

Clarissa: Something about a way to beat the silent treatment. I thought it was so unbeatable.

Sam: Nearly, but, no, forget it. The way to win is just unthinkable in your case.

Clarissa: Sam, if there is a way to win this, I want to hear it.

Sam: Ok, but I warned you. To beat Ferguson...

Clarissa: Yea.

Sam: ... you got to think like Ferguson.

Clarissa: That is a scary thought.

Sam: See.

Clarissa: It is hard to believe you could get that way by trying.

Sam: Right, so just give in, get it over with.

Clarissa: I always hoped Ferguson's devilish brain was some sort of industrial accident. If I think like him, will I have a meltdown?

Sam: Just be careful. If what happens when thinking like Ferguson is like crossing your eyes, and doing it too much means you can't undo it.

Clarissa: It's just a risk I have to take. I just to be on the save side, I'll go have a chat with the manufactures.

(she exits her room 16:15)
(in the kitchen, Janet is cooking something 16:18)

Clarissa: Mom, I was wondering.

Janet: Oh, this isn't about the case is it? Because I really can't talk about it, not this close to the end.

Clarissa: It's not.

Janet: Oh, you can't imagine what I have to hear day after day.

Clarissa: You don't have to talk about it.

Janet: These gangsters are very unsavoury, but not completely without feeling, you wouldn't think that someone locked in a car-trunk would be very uncomfortable. But, with a few air-holes and...... Ah, I really shouldn't talk about the case.

Clarissa: Probably not, but mom...

Janet: Now, what was it you wanted to ask me?

Clarissa: Just a question about...

Janet: Ohh, is it a "yes or no" question? That's the way they ask the questions in the court, the attorney asks one and if the witness tries to elaborate he yells "just answer the question please, yes or no!".

Clarissa: Yea...

Janet: Like today, Fishface Eddie's mey was on the stand. Ohoh, you got to watch yourself with her, or you could end up with a feather duster in your... Ah, I better not talk about it.

Clarissa: Better not, mom. But umm, I was just wondering, when Ferguson was a baby, where there any dramatic experiences that made him like he is today? I mean, was there a mirror in his crib or anything, was there?

Janet: Ferguson? As a baby? Ohh, I wish you could remember, he was the sweetest little boy you ever saw. He never gave us any trouble or sleepless nights. Not like that Fishface Eddie, they say that he was horrible from the day he was born, and even as an infant, he would scratch and fine. They had this awful thing he used to do to the other children with his tidy and...

Clarissa: Mom! Mom!

Janet: What?

Clarissa: We where talking about Ferguson.

Janet: Ohh, that's right. Well, let's see, right from the start, we knew that he would be different from you. He kept to himself mostly, you had lots of little playmates. You know, it's funny. Fishface was a loner too, they say a lot of psychopaths start out that way, and he had these terrible habits. When he was only seven, be blew all his milk money on whiskey and cheeks of...

Clarissa: Mom!

Janet: Ohh, my. Clarissa, the trial ends tomorrow and the closer we get to finishing, the more of that's all I want to talk about.

Clarissa: That's ok mom, I understand.

Janet: I guess it really isn't safe for us to continue this. Maybe after tomorrow?

Clarissa: Sure mom. I've just got to understand how his brain ticks.

Janet: Well, maybe you'd like to talk it over with your father.

Clarissa: Yea, ok.

Janet: But, remember Clarissa, I'm you mother, and I'm always here for you.

Clarissa: Thanks mom, these mother-daughter chats are so beneficial.

(she goes to the back yard where Marshall is cutting some vegetation 18:56)

Clarissa: Hey dad.

Marshall: Hey sport... What's on your mind?

Clarissa: Whoever quern the phrase "know your enemy" never knew Ferguson.

Marshall: Oh well, is he... is he still staying silent?

Clarissa: It's amazing, I never thought I'd miss the sound of his voice as much as I do.

Marshall: Yea, well, you could call it off, apologise, tell him he won the game.

Clarissa: Apologise? Never.

Marshall: Just this once.

Clarissa: I'd rather gargle with your aftershave. He'd gloat for the rest of his life.

Marshall: Well, maybe he deserves to win, once, in a lifetime.

Clarissa: No way, he'd taunt me, and tease me and tell everybody and....

Marshall: What is it sport?

Clarissa: It might work, it just might work. It's the kind of sick devilish thing he would do if he had a brain as big as his swollen head of his.

Marshall: Ohh, come on sport, now, nothing violent, just promise me that, ok?

Clarissa: Don't worry dad, it's just that I think I'm starting to think like him. Now, I'll just hope the side effects won't be too long lasting.

(she goes into the house 20:03)
(end of scene 20:03)
(in Ferguson's room, Clarissa is sitting on his bed and he enters 20:05)

Clarissa: I know I'm not suppose to be in your room, but when I tell you why I'm here, you'll forgive me. You win. I give up. It pains me but I confess. You beat me.

(Ferguson runs to a drawer, gets a recorder and begins recording 21:07)

Clarissa: I take back everything bad I ever said about you. I mean, all of your superior intelligence and it amazes me that you can even still see us lower life like us. I want you to treat like the inferior bucked of slime my em(? thinks it's a name). Let me bash in your growth of greatness.

(Ferguson heads out, but Clarissa keeps talking and he resumes recording 20:33)

Clarissa: Go ahead, play that tape for the entire world to hear. Let them all know that I think you are everything and I am nothing. And Ferguson, once and for all, I am truly honestly sorry.

Ferguson: Yes! YES! I did it! I finally got it on tape! Dad! Dad! You got to hear this!

(Ferguson runs out of the room 20:49)

Clarissa: He got it? Boy, is he gonna get it!

(she exits the room 20:54)
(in the living room, Ferguson enters and then Clarissa some seconds later 20:54)

Ferguson: Dad! Dad! You got to hear this, dad! She admitted it! She admitted I beat her! Listen.

(he plays the tape but there's no sound 21:00)

Marshall: I don't hear anything.

Ferguson: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wait a minute, something's wrong.

Clarissa: Oh, Ferguson. Do these belong to you?

(she shows a pair of batteries 21:09)

Ferguson: Batteries!

Clarissa: Too bad. Now, what was it you say I said?

Ferguson: I'll kill you, I hate you. You creep.

(he runs after her, and she runs upstairs 21:16)

Clarissa: Bunty-face(? iceland=krumpufés?).

Ferguson: Majent-mie(? iceland=dvergheili?).

Clarissa: ??

Ferguson: ??

Clarissa: ??

(they each say three more insult that are very hard to understand 21:16)
(in the kitchen, they run down the stairs, Marshall is cooking in the kitchen 21:24)

Clarissa to Ferguson: Drool-face.

Ferguson to Clarissa: Bug-eater.

Clarissa to Ferguson: Drogle-born.

Ferguson to Clarissa: Drooler-head.

(they run outside and Janet enters 21:30)

Janet to Marshall: I can't believe it.

Marshall: Oh, good, here, honey, taste this... Janet, you look upset, what happened?

Janet: He called ephly.

Marshall: What?

Janet: Fishface Eddie agreed to plead guilty for a lesser crime. That means the case is over.

Marshall: Great, does this need basil?

Janet: Great? All this time we couldn't talk because it would effect our decision, now we won't even get to decide. It's all a waste. Oh, those awful lawyers, those awful gangsters.

Marshall: Well, at least it's over.

Janet: Do you know how destructive I got? You know that coupon for cheesecake Clarissa kept putting in bag? Well, I actually bought them. Now, what is this family gonna do with cheesecake?

(Clarissa and Ferguson appear again, Clarissa is now running after Ferguson 22:01)

Ferguson to Janet: Thanks mom.

(he takes one cake 22:01)

Clarissa to Janet: Thanks mom.

(she also takes one cake 22:02)

Clarissa to Ferguson: Grip.

Ferguson to Clarissa: Droop.

Clarissa to Ferguson: Dog-face.

(she stops and looks at us 22:05)

Clarissa to us: Isn't family live wonderful?

(the end 22:08)