The Lengedary Phil Fairbanks
It was about a month or so after i'd moved in. A large group of us from work including myself, Doug, Donnie, Lori, Brian, Brian Richford, JR, Seth, Joe, and a slew of others went out to go bowling. Somehow, the topic of determining one's porn name came up. (you take your middle name and the name of the street you live on. Mine, of course is Phil Fairbacks. ("Be sure to get your Phil!") As we were discussing this, the topic of porn itself was brought up and talked about, pompting someone to come up with the idea of having our next party or get-together a "Porn themed" party, whereas people would come dressed as a porn character, sit around and drink whilest watching porno movies. (supplied by Doug.)
Upon hearing the plan, instantly agreed to have it at my place on a Sunday night in three weeks time. I was excited about having the big party, but soon realized too many people planned on coming to this party in my tiny 15 by 18 feet place. I brought this concern up to Amy, who tookt he credit for the idea and took charge of the planning. I told her i didn't think we should have too many people there for the party. (It was bad enough most there were too young to drink, but also watching porn. This would be very bad if we got busted.)
her response was; "I don't think we have enough people."
"Why? How many people want to come to this?"
"At least thirteen so far."
THIRTEEN?! DAMN! The most i'd had up at the place so far was eight or nine, and even then it was crowded and got very loud at times.
"I can't have that many people in my place! I'll get kicked out! There can't be that many in there at the same time!"
I don't remember what she said next....I'm sure it was a whiny complaint of some kind. At any rate, I didn't cancel out on the party. I did, however, get a call from my sister asking me the day before if i was going over her house on Sunday.
"For what?" I asked.
"Mike, it's Father's Day for Christ's sake! Dad's coming over!"
I froze. Oh shit! How could i have forgotten that?? More Importantly, What was I going to do about the party afterwards? Would I make it home in time to get the place ready, and (fairly) clean for the party? Would I get home in time at all?
I ended up at my sister's place, ate some supper and nervously watched my dad open his presents. (that is now something i wished I'd relished more, since he died last April.) I made it home in plenty of time to get the place all ready for the party. I ended up with the idea of putting rea, green bulbs in my standing three-tier lamp, for "mood lighting." I also had to rearrange furniture and clean up what i could before changing into my "Phil Fairbanks-sleazy pornstar" outfit.
The outfit was brilliant. I had on dress pants, black shoes, and a light blue dress shirt with the top three-four buttons undone (to show the cheap gold chains) and the sleeves rolled up. I tried a dark bandana around my head, and shaved my facial hair into two long, sleazy looking sideburns. I then stodd in front of the mirror practicing my best shit-eating grin. "Oh yeah,....Phil Fairbanks was ready to party!"
I got on the phone and called up Doug and Amy and told them the place was ready. People started showing up soon thereafter, and everything was going great. The porn movies were on, the house looked pimped out, and the beer was cold and plentiful. Hell, Doug's sister even brought a cake to celebrate his birthday. Everything was going great. Then more people showed up. Then more people. then MORE!
I started to really get kinda panicky. There was no way i was supposed to have this many people here. When I counted, there were almost 17 people there at one point in time! Getting Drunk! Watching PORN! What the hell was i thinking?!
As the night progressed, i got more and more worried, as well as more and more drunk. I had to watch over just about everyone there. I had people going out on the lawn at nearly 12;30 at night to spar, i had people on the patio talking away. I had people in the kitchen, a few people puking in the bathroom. Every-so-often i would have to tell everyone to keep it down. I didn't want all this noice to attract the attention of the security gaurd walking around. The man was a complete holier-than-thou dick, and I'm sure he'd like nothing more to see me in a jail cell or evicted that evening. The last thing i needed was for him to hear this party going on in here, so everyone really needed to keep it down. Then it got to the point where i was firmly telling them again. It got to be sooner than every-so-often. And sooner. And sooner. Finally, at a little after two in the moring, I'd had it. I'd been already drunk, tired, stressed, and just worn out. (not to metntion the fact that Brian Richford had just beaten me several times in a row playing Tekken 3, adding insult to injury by telling me it really was getting kinda loud in there....) Finally, I'd just lost my sixth straight game when the crew on the couch again got suddenly loud and rowdy about something.
That was it. That was the last straw.
I snapped.
I throw downt he controller and shouted...
"PARTY OVER! I KEPT TELLING YOU ALL TO KEEP IT DOWN! KEEP IT DOWN! NONE OF YOU SEEMED TO LISTEN TO ME! I WILL NOT GET THROWN OUT OF HERE OVER IN A JAIL CELL BECAUSE YOU PEOPLE CAN'T SEEM TO BE QUIET! I'M SORRY, (half true...) I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, (yes i did!) BUT I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE ANYMORE! NEXT TIME, MAYBE YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME!"
I sat back down and stared at the wall while i felt everyone's blank stare fixed on me. For the next thirty seconds, i don't think anyone said a word, until Doug turned to Amy (or Lisa?) and said, "I guess the party's over, huh?" people quietly (for the first time that night, they were quiet.) shuffled their way to the door and headed home. Most ened up at Doug's house, where the "afterparty" took place in his basement. That leads to a whole nother set of stories, and maybe someday Doug will post them.
I was surprised to find no notice of eviction under the door the days following. I didn't even get a warning. At least, not until five days later when the neighbor upstairs complained about me having two people privately talking outside on my patio around 11:30ish.
Alll in all, it was one hell of a night. But more importantly, it set the future in motion. For, at that pron party, some people who i didn't really hang out with beforehand showed up at my house for the first time for the party and even came back again and again. For example, It was the frist time the Sausage Crew showed up that night. Bill Swenson and Joel Rosland. They've been coming back ever since. Also, making her first appearance was Jen, someone i still often talk to or party with.
JOEL, COME BACK TO 8A!!
MAINPAGE