Freddie "Wolfpack" Lyons
1. Introduction to Fred
I guess the best way is to start off with a little explanation of "Fred". Fred is the son of Roger and Sally Lyons. I've known Freddie for at least twenty years, since we were in Scouts together and later High School. I was one of his only friends. He is a little slow and very odd. Ever since I'd known him, he'd always have some outrageous claim to make, like the factt he claims to be Indian. (a claim, he's just as suddenly abandoned. He also claimed to have a Bobcat as a pet.) Freddie is most defiitely an odd fellow. He is not able to do things on his own at all, due do the constant babying he gets from his parents. As it stands know, if he had to go up to a stranger to ask them the time, he'd most likely faint from anxiety.
Fred used to run into me at work all the time. I made the mistake of informing him i had my own place, and he wanted to come up and see it. So, as it happened, Doug and Brian were up at the place after work, drinking and watching TV, when the door buzzed. It turned out to be Fred and his father. Now, Fred's dad is just as wierd as the rest of them. He stands at about four feet tall with a less-than-lean build and a beard. (No mustache, just the beard.) Let me tell you, he's no rocket scientist either.
So there we are, me, Doug, Brian, Fred and his dad, sitting around watching TV. Fred didn't say much of anything when he was there. He didn't know Brian or Doug, so his anxiety got the best of him and he clammed right up. But as we were sitting there, we started hearing this weird beeping noise...
"Doug, you hear that?"
"Hear what?"
"That beeping sound."
"Yeah. Did you leave something on?"
"I don't think so..."
...and then the beeping would stop. And then, twenty seconds later, it would start up again. This was driving me nuts. I couldn't figure out what the hell was beeping. I asked Brian and Doug a second time if they knew what the hell that beeping noise was before i started tearing through my place looking for the sound. Finally, Freddie found his voice.
"It's my dad."
"What?"
Sure enough, i look over and see Fred's dad whistling a beeping sound. God only knows why he just sat there whistling a beeping sound. To make it worse, his hearing is shot to hell, so he couldn't even hear me repeatedly ask what the hell that sound was. Soon after, they headed home (or where ever they went.) After getting over his nervousness of his frist visit, Fred came over more and more, until he was there almost everyday like everyone else, if not more. It was like I was providing a second home for him, if not seemingly babysitting him for his parents. I've known Fred for a long time, but spending too much time with him (Like, more than an hour) can really get on your nerves as well as prove to be one bizzare "adventure." Thus, this is the beginning of the Fred stories.
Meet the Parents
Know to really understand Fred, you need some background on his parents. His dad, as i mentioned in the above section, is a rather odd. His mom, is very odd. What do these odd people do for fun? Well, they drive all around the county! I've had the misfortune of being stuck in the car with them when I (grudgingly) went over to Fred's house. Though they lived two towns over, they decided they wanted to get in the minivan and drive to the McDonald's that was about a half hour away. Now, as we'ere going, I'm noticing his dad is honking the horn every so often. As he does so, I'm also noticing no other cars nearby. Who the hell is he honking at? There's no one around! Does the guy see invisible cars on the road? Also, when any member (but most especially the dad) of the family sees a police car, ambulance, or fire truck with it's lights flashing or siren wailing they instantly want to follow it. Fred's dad was a volunteer ambulance driver back in the day, and it seems he just can't fight the urge! What a great job for him. I mean, he LOVES driving around for the hell of it! What i want to know is, when he was driving the ambulance, and he had someone seriously wounded or dying in the back, did he still do the honking at the invisible cars??
Now Fred's mom is no winner either. If anything, she's more crazy than the other two. This woman has made so many outrageous claims SHE almost gets her own page on this site. She stands at the exact same height as Fred's dad, but weighs around 200-250 punds. She has long, ratty-looking gray hair, glasses, and spends most of her time driving around. You might not think this is weird, but most of the time when she's out in public, she's in a wheelchair. But most of the time, when she's at home or just going in to do one thing at a place she doesn't use the chair. But if she's in a place for more than five minutes, she's out there getting wheeled around by Fred. You're probably asking, "Well, Why is she in the wheelchair?"The answer is simple: She was run over by a school bus! You'd probably think "oh that's horrible!" But wait 'til you hear who was driving the bus at the time.....SHE WAS! What i want to know is, how do you get run over by the bus you are driving???!!
This woman also claims to have weird powers. She claims she can talk to the animals. She claims she can feel or see disasters as they happen! (such as volcanoes, floods, plane crashes) And she's not shy to tell you about it, either. i got a great story comimg up about this woman...
Freddie Phones Home
Now when Freddie used to come over, we'd just sit there and play video games for about four to five stragiht hours. In between losing at the game (which he did most often) he would call home. EVEN THOUGH HE'D BEEN GONE FOR ONLY AN HOUR AT THE MOST! Sometimes, he'd call home more than once. Each time, the conversation would go just like this:
"Hi Mom, it's me! (well, who the hell else would be calling??).........Did you get the mail?.........Did...did i get anything?.....No?.........Anyone call?.........(suspicously) What'd they say?!...........................Ohhhh!.............No! Ahhh, I'm sorry, but No!...............They can't do that!........We (a. Told them, b. Paid that bill, c. Asked them about that) a month ago!....Did you call these people?.........what did they say?......NO! Excuse me for living, but they can't do that! What does dad say? He must be fuming!.......Alright. I'll talk to you later. (like maybe next hour?)....Hey mom, what....what are we doing for supper?.......no...i don't want that! Why can't we go out!........Dad has money!.......Well i have money then! I'll pay!....Alright, i'll talk to you later. iloveyoubye."
EVERY TIME HE CALLED THE CONVERSATION WAS NEARLY IDENTICAL! The best was when he got off the phone and was still fuming about the converstaion. I remember one time we had started a new game of whatever it was we were playing. He just sat there grumblimg, waiting for me to ask the question, "Why, whatever is the matter, Fred?" i decided to let him hang there for a bit.
"I can't believe it!...Stupid bank!...I can't believe they did that!...Nope, I don't!"
He grumbled like that for at least a minute or two straight before i finally paused the game and asked.
"WHAT Fred?! What the matter this time!?"
"Nothing."
"What the hell do you mean, nothing?! You're grumbling on about something!"
(angrily) "My mom got a call from our bank!"
(he'd just stare at me for few seconds... I'm not sure if he realized not everyone knew whatever he knew, or if he just expected me to draw the right conclusion about the conversation from the little bit of info he'd already told me.)
"Yeah,....and.....what? Banks call people all the time, Fred!" ( this really got him angrier)
"Yeah,......well, this bank is bad!"
"Why is this bank bad, Fred?"
"they told my mom "oh, don't worry Mrs. Lyons, you have a good amount of money in your account! Don't worry about writing checks!" then when my mom wrote the checks to everyone the bank was like, "Nope, sorry! You don't have any money now!" (Note: According to Fred, everyone sounds sweet as pie when they're delivering the good news and the bad news!)
......
"Fred, does she wait until the checks she wrote before cleared?" (he'd just stare at me like he had no clue what i just said.)
"yeah..." (that wasn't concivncing! I'd have to explain it to him....)
"....She has to wait for the checks she wrote awhile ago to clear the account before she writes new ones. It takes awhile for the money to leave the accuont.. Otherwise, she's just writing bogus checks."
"No! It's the bank's fault for telling her she had the money in the first place! That's a bad bank!"
And that was the end of that. Dya after day, the calls went the same. Then the discussion after the call went the same. Everytime, it was somthing or someone else trying to screw over the Lyons' family. It was the Worldwide Conspiracy Against Fred And His Family, and it was always out and in full swing! Most of the time, i wouldn't even bother to ask what was wrong. It was pointelss to argue, espeeially when he had such rock-solid logic like "THAT'S A BAD BANK!"
THE LONGEST DAY EVER
This following story is all true. I know it sounds ridiculous, and if it didn't happen to me i know i would doubt it's validity. However, it did happen to me, and as bizzare as this story is, it's almost twice as hilarious.
The day started off normal. It was my day off from work, and Freddie planned on coming over to get his butt whupped in Playstation games. He got there around ten oclock, and sat down in the chair next to me with the game controller in his hands.
"Are you hungry at all?" (we ususally hoped on a bus and went out to a mall for food, or his mom would drive us to McDonald's or something. For the record, i preffered the bus.)
"No, i just ate something. I'm not hungry."
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
(He'd wait a few more minutes)
"You sure you're not hungry?"
(i started to suspect something.)
"Fred, you're mom isn't outside waitng to drive us to Mcdonlad's, is she?"
"Yeah."
"Alright....let me get my coat."
We headed out to the car. As usual, Mrs. Lyons was driving, and Fred took to the front seat. I hoped in the back when i noticed the pet carrier with one of their six cats. (they're place is not much bigger than mine, and they have SIX CATS!)
"We have to take Snowball to the vet first. Dad tried giving him a haircut and cut his throat a little" Freddie explained to me. Snowball huh? I bet that's an original name for an all-white cat!
So there we are, heading down the road on the way to the vets when Freddie goes:
"Whew! What's that smell? Mom, i think the cat did ssomething in her cage!"
Mrs. Lysons just brushed it off like it was no big deal. However, Freddie, who lives with not one but SIX CATS decides he cannot stomach the smell. He's got his shirt around his mouth and the window down and he's almost hanging out of it trying to breathe.We got about a mile away from the vet's place when he couldn't hold it anymore. He leaned over in the front of the seat and vomited. a little got on the floor, but he immediately stuck his head out the window and conintued to puke. His mom did slow the car down a bit, but since we were almost there she didn't want to pull over the car! So we're driving down the road with him puking his brains out the window and I'm sitting there thinkin' to myself "What a great way to spend my day off." Little did i know the best was yet to come.
We pull into the vets office. Freddie jumps out of the cat anr runs to the other side ot the parking lot to go puke some more. Meanwhile, his mom gets out of the car and starts calling for him to get back over to the car to clean out the cat's mess. He wanted NO part of that. So, she starts cleaning it. I'm standing there hoping no one goes by and recognizes me with these people.
Finally we head in together, and the appointment is going alright. Until some lady with her two kids (each looked around 5ish) comes in with her two kittens. Suddenly, Freddie couldn't care about snowball, he wants to go see the kittens. So he's out there, petting the kittens, and eventaully the mom settles the bill and comes over and starts talking to the lady. I'm sitting in the corner watching this, trying not to let on that I'm with these nutjobs.
So Mrs Lyons sarts telling the lady how they have six cats, and how at their old home it was great because the cats could run free and this and that and blah, blah, blah,...and how one cat never came home one night so they think the wild coyotes got it, and the coyotes are coming closer and closer to the homes to reclaim their territory from the man, because the man is taking all thier land and their (the coyotes) are getting angry, so they're taking the people's kittens and pets, and she knows all this because...she talks to them. She can talk to animals. (Why? How?) Well, because she was ..........
"RAISED BY WOLVES UNTIL THE AGE OF FIVE!" (what's really wierd is that she said this so matter-of-factly like it was a common thing!)At this point, the poor lady she was talking to just looked stunned like a racoon in headlights and grabbed her kids closer to her. Freddie heard his mom's claim and started trying to pull her to the door to get her out of there. Mrs. Lyons didn't thinkshe did or said anything odd or wrong so she continued with thte story!
"yep. I was raised by wolves until i was five years old. They took care of me and fed me in the day and at night I'd sleep in a cardboard box in the alley They were real nice. I used to talk to them all the time. But then the government people found me and took me away....." At this point Freddie is getting so angry at her that he's almost dragging her by the arm to the door. I'm now to frozen in the sheer shock of having to get up and leave with these freaks!
We ended up going to McDonald's afterward, and not a word further was metnioned about her being brought up by wolves. Freddie ended up coming over afterward and spent the rest of the day (MY day off!) playing video games.
