by Tiefwasser

I walked, following a familiar scent.

The scent dispersed here and there, as though it had a will of its own that wanted to tease me, and appeared and disappeared capriciously in the air.

I was covered in mire that smelled of decay, and looked as though I had crawled out of a deep swamp.

My back bent deeply, my arms waving widely in front and back, I walked in a methodical rhythm.

Something white crossed in front of my eyes. They were a pair of rabbits. Seeing me they stopped, and twitched their noses watchfully, their ears up.

As if to betray the thought that they were cute, in the next instant, the rabbits brandished long, sharp nails.

They jumped up and fled in a flash. Their sharp knife-like nails mowed down the grass where they had been.

Dropping my shoulders again, I walked with an entangled gait.

The full moon had climbed high in the heavens.

How long had it been since I had gazed at the moon with a peaceful heart?

I had a memory of being with someone whom I was very close to, perhaps a lover, a long time ago. I faintly remembered the various moons we had seen together.

The moon that floated sleepily in the sky, obscured by fog, above the summer sea. The moon that hung at the edge of the mountains near the dawn, in the sky that grew lighter. When the moon and the first star climbed the blue evening sky, you turned back to me, and said in a voice that still had traces of childhood in it, "We have to go back soon."

Though it felt as though that lisping echo still remained deep in my ear.

You were always next to me. That dear, familiar scent.

A jarring sound intermittently reverberated in my chest. My breathing was rough. Every time I took a breath the inside of my chest hurt intensely.

My field of vision was already bad because my eyelids were swollen from dirt and fever. Rubbing them didn't make it any better.

I wondered if I was going to die.

I wondered what had happened, why I had become this way.

I couldn't even remember that.

I hunted and ate small animals instinctively, wearing the smell of blood on my body, their remains on my unwashed hands and mouth.

I continued to walk. Toward what allured me into the darkness, the faint scent.

My legs that had been dully complaining of pain suddenly stopped listening to my commands. I collapsed onto the root of a tree like I was tumbling down.

I felt the soft moss cushion my fall, but the moss was polluted by the mire on my body and yellowed and withered.

I curled my body on the shriveled, discolored moss, twisted my body, opened my mouth widely, and sucked in the air.

I could hear a dry, sad sound from beneath me.

You, who are so dear.

I can't even remember who you are. I only remember that I was happy.

Even that memory spills over from this clenched fist.

More than the pain that sears my body, that tortures me. I am tormented.

I want to remember you. I want to at least hold you in my heart and sleep peacefully.

That I had not been alone before. That when I was with you, even solitude felt like a close friend, as sweet as an ache.

If I could remember everything clearly, and hold on to it, I felt that it would ease my weariness and sadness like a never ending spring from deep within my chest.

I doubled over in pain. Though here and there it screamed and desired rest, my heart, in a hurry, spurred it on and on.

When I was able to move, I coaxed and soothed my reluctant, pained body and stood up, and continued to chase your lingering scent.

In the dark forest, the ground had no traces of having been entered-covered with roots that undulated and crawled on the ground-and was softly covered by thick moss. It was difficult to walk on.

I did not know when the journey would end, but I continued.

I may have already died, when I had rested at the base of some large tree one night.Perhaps I had not woken up from death-like sleep, and only my soul, unable to give up, continued to wander and pursue you.

I thought things like that, driven by the pain.

But my heavy body and the painful unhealed wounds told me that I was still alive.

Suddenly, a light gleamed.

Up ahead where the dark forest ended, I could see a small, peaceful looking field lit up by the light where the cloudy sky had cleared.

A single broad-leafed tree stood there, and with a hand on its trunk, you were there.

My vision blurry, I couldn't see the details of the expression of his face, but he took a step towards me, concerned, and extended his arms as if to call to me.

My body was maddeningly dull, and because it was impossible for me to run with my hurt feet, I slowly approached, my eyes wide open. Watching, so that he wouldn't disappear.

When I got near, he pointed to the spring at the base of the tree. I cautiously stepped into the spring, still looking at him.

The terrible smelling mire and dried blood was thoroughly washed away. When his gentle hands touched my deep wounds carefully, my body trembled.

"Did it hurt?"

The voice, filled with deep emotion, that should have been familiar to me, was somehow different from my memory.

"No, I'm fine."

And with that, the conversation broke off.

Birds, crying out, cut across the sky. The sun sank, and the night approached.

Had that much time passed? He scooped water up with his hands and wet my face.

"Bend over, and wash your own face."

Afraid of losing sight of him, I shook my head and replied, "I'm fine like this."

"I won't go anywhere. I'll be right here."

As if to reassure me, his hands encircled my shoulder.

I nodded and kneeled in the spring, and with him holding up my body, I washed my hair and face.

When I raised my head from the water, thinking it was clean enough, night had fallen.

The drops of water that fell from my hair made ripples on the surface of the spring.

When that calmed, what my eyes saw was the reflection of the crescent moon. And two dark shadows.

I turned and looked at him with eyes less swollen.

Yes, it certainly was you. Though you were thin and your hair messy, older than my memory of you...and taller.

"I was looking for you."

I spoke. I should have been glad, but I hesitated for some unknown reason, and my feelings of doubt about him grew stronger.

"Me?"

He smiled. With a beautiful expression, of worry.

"That's right, you."

I repeated it. That was it, right?

"I've changed quite a bit from before, right?"

"You've grown a lot taller."

"Yeah."

"Your voice changed, too. You've grown up."

"Yes, I did...so did you."

His voice choked. He stretched out his fingers and touched my cheek.

He softly slid it along, gently touched my lips, and dropped his hand.

"It was a long, painful journey, wasn't it?"

A burning sensation filled my throat from my chest, and I looked away.

Who is this?

He pulled my hand and said, "We should get out soon. It's gotten cold."

While my wounds had started to heal, when I moved pain ran through me.

I wiped my body with a soft, white blanket, and wrapped it around myself in place of clothing.

He picked fresh, fragrant, tall grasses and piled them up high. When we climbed on topthey crumbled easily under our bare feet.

When we sat, a green scent, and the fragrance of basking in the sun surrounded us.

"Have you remembered me?"

I looked at him, and took in his serious look.

"I remember seeing the moon with you, that's all."

I lay down next to him, grabbed some grass and put it in my mouth.

The moonlight, extremely bright for a crescent moon, suddenly clouded over, and cast a shadow on his face.

When that happened, the fact that his face was pale stood out.

"Do you remember? I once walked with you in a forest at night."

"...no"

He pointed at the moon in the sky.

"It was exactly a moon like this, and one night when you and I were lodging together for something, we stole out of our rooms."

As I listened to his voice I searched the ocean of my memories. It was no good, I couldn't remember.

Casting a gaze filled with laughter towards me, he continued to speak.

"We were going to go to a lake deep in the forest. And row a boat to the middle."

"Something that dangerous? Me?"

"I invited you. You came along to try to stop me."

Surely, that wasn't all.

Perhaps it was simply that I couldn't resist the temptation to be alone with you, somewhere with no one around, in the dead of night.

"But in the end, we got lost, and couldn't go to the lake."

He laughed out loud. Ha ha.

"Plus, I slipped and fell, and got hurt. You carried me back."

"...Really. We got scolded, right?"

"Yup. By the sensei. But I had a fever and was sleeping, so I wasn't scolded much."

"Then did I get scolded?"

When I said it with a sigh, he dropped his eyes.

"That's right. But you said to me, 'I can't complain unless you get well quickly' and smiled."

"Did I really say that?"

"You said it. You've really forgotten everything, haven't you?"

He sighed and looked up at the sky.

"It's okay if you forget. But, you can't keep wandering like this."

The light of the moon weakened, and it felt as though his presence had become fainter. Instantly, I grabbed his arm.

I thought he might disappear.

"No."

I drew close his supple and firm body, and held him to me and moaned.

"I've finally found you. Do you know how much I've searched for you?"

"I was with you the whole time. Even when you were walking."

The body in my arms relaxed, and leaned on me.

"When I thought you wouldn't make it, you finally found me."

He stretched out his hand, and stroked my hair.

"...Shindou."

"You remembered?"

The moment I said his name, the memories rushed back into my mind.

"Are you going? Now?"

He turned towards me and smiled, looking relieved.

"You're the one that has to go back soon."

"Even if I don't want to?"

"Yes, you have to go back."

He looked at the moon floating in the night sky. The moon was thinner than before.

"Before that completely disappears, and it becomes a dark night here, you have to go back."

The light of the moon was weakening. I could feel that the time was drawing near.

His body also faded, and his outline began to lose shape as if melting into the air.

"Shindou."

By just saying his name, a thousand feelings filled my chest.

"Can I kiss you?"

"...Of all the stupid things"

I could tell he was at a loss, but wasn't rejecting me as he smiled.

"I didn't want to do that when you had been alive. Our relationship wasn't like that, anyway."

But I loved you. More than anyone I had met until now, most likely.

The whisper in my heart was, for some reason, clear to him.

"All right, but hurry."

Receiving permission, I kissed where his mouth had been, he who was like a shadow.

I felt a slight sensation, had I touched him or not?

"...again for a while, it's goodbye."

It became darker and darker.

"Touya, be well."

Leaving behind a whisper in my ear, the body that I had been holding was already gone.

Striking the branches of the trees, the wind blew. The cold wind of night.

When I looked up, a thin moon hung like a string in the dark sky.

"I will go back."

When I murmured that, the scene twisted and became distant.

I will go back, from the place between life and death, to the place where I will go on living.

When I regain consciousness, it's possible I won't remember that I had met him here.

Even so, in the days ahead-for instance when I wake up from an afternoon nap, in silence, and felt as though I was alone in the world...

During those times I will surely have seen a dear, familiar dream in my sleep.

A dream in which you cast a long shadow.