by Tiefwasser

Touya had died.

I had heard he wasn't doing well, and had gone to see him in the hospital.

But, the cause of death was an accident. Several days after he had gotten out of the hospital, a car had ran the red and plunged into the crosswalk. There was no way he was going to avoid that. But that he, of all men, would die.

...Something like that had never crossed my mind.

I got the call about his death before dawn today.

His wife called from the hospital he had been taken to. "I was told to let you know if anything happened."

I thought it was a joke at first, because he seemed the type that couldn't be killed. He was always formidable. He was headstrong...though that was in regards to go.

And so, for a moment, I thought of crawling under the covers and going back to sleep. But, as expected, I couldn't sleep. And so, I waited impatiently for the Institute to open, and when I went, it was in a flurry.

A person I recognized from the Institute noticed me and spoke to me.

"Shindou-sensei, Touya-sensei has..."

Why are you looking at me like that? I turned around and left.

When I went outside, the sun was high, and the air warm. It seemed like fair weather for a stroll. I walked around aimlessly.

I had gone to see Touya in the hospital with several others, including Waya and Isumi-san. Not a group on very good terms with him, but the reason everyone went was probably because they were all concerned.

Because Touya was at the center of the go world. I've been told that I was as well, but I didn't handle the formal stuff well, and I think he earnestly attended functions more than I did.

He had apparently been declining these events in his own way, but he had always seemed busy.

When we were about to leave the hospital room, Touya asked me to stay. I wondered what it could be about, and I saw the others off.

Alone with him in the quiet room, I have to say that I was tense. Touya gazed steadily at me.

I went to the window and asked if I could open it. Touya nodded, so I opened it and breathed in the outside air.

I asked, "...when do you get out?" while I thought, I want to smoke. I didn't smoke normally, but I would want to when I was nervous. What was I doing? This was Touya.

"In a week."

"Taking your time, aren't you? The examination was fine, right?"

"I was told to rest because it was a good opportunity."

Touya frowned. It probably wasn't what he wanted. But with a strong willed doctor and wife...

"I think so too. What a good opportunity."

The sunlight had grown stronger. Weeds were growing in the flowerpot on the veranda. White flower petals that looked like cherry blossoms were being blown into the corner of it.

"When the body weakens, feelings also become weak as well."

At the low voice that almost sounded like a complaint, I turned around. How unusual, that Touya should complain.

"I thought about what would happen if I died."

I turned to face him, and leaned against the wall, my arms crossed.

"There wasn't any danger to your life, right?"

"I knew that. But, I thought of 'what if'."

I wondered what he wanted to say. I waited for his next words.

"If...I died tomorrow, I thought of what I would regret."

Touya's eyes looked straight at me. I looked back at him.

"And then, only you came to mind."

I dropped my gaze. He hadn't changed from when we were kids. He only saw me.

My head was composed, but my cheeks got hot. What the hell, after so long a time.

"I thought I should have spoken with you more about various things...but there was no need."

"...why?"

"I think what I had grasped playing against you is your essence."

I laughed.

"There are people who say I'm like a different person, you know?"

"Those people are the ones that don't know you. You are surprisingly delicate and exacting...though you are big hearted as well."

"You, too. You seem calm on the surface."

I laughed, and Touya laughed as well. He was known for offensive, strong go. I felt like saying that for being stubborn by nature, he was perfectly flexible in a match, but I decided not to.

"Let's battle again."

"Yes. Once I get out."

I left the room, feeling good. The last time I saw Touya's face he was smiling.

...I realized suddenly that that was the last time.

The last time that we had seen each other's faces. And the last time that we had spoken to each other as well. Even though I had thought he was irreplaceable, his life had ended quickly.

I wandered towards a convenience store. I bought three cups of sake there. Because I hadn't eaten since morning, though I didn't feel hungry, I also bought a rice ball.

With the plastic bag dangling, I aimlessly strolled, and my surroundings changed and I ended up in an unfamiliar area.

Around when my legs started feeling tired, I found a small park. When I went in, there was no one there.

The sun had climbed high. It was surprisingly quiet around noon.

At a bench in the shadow of the trees, I took out the cup of sake. I paid silent tribute before I drank it. I suppose to Touya. But, that wasn't all.

I needed to bid farewell to a part of myself who had thought it was only natural for Touya to be there. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to move forward. I had experienced it with Sai.

It was hard to resolve myself without having adjusted yet. Touya, even when I think about you, there is no pain for me yet. I think it's because I haven't truly realized that you aren't here anymore.

The pain will come later. It will seize me bit by bit.

I knew that it would come. And I thought, I wanted to manage it if I could.

...I had no time. I was at the top right now. After a while I will be on the wane. Even as I'm compared to when I was in my prime, as young ones gain on me, I will probably continue to play.

The time at the top is precious. The time to grieve over your death is precious as well.

"Forgive me, Touya"

I murmured as I opened the third lid. Feeling intoxicated, I realized I was crying. I am a demon, I knew it. After I retire, I will think about you, without being disturbed by anyone. About you, and about me.

Can you wait until then, Touya?

Because I won't be reluctant when that time comes. Because I'll surely be able to cry to my heart's content, without relying on being drunk like today.