OBITUARY (The Times, 7/28/01)

Today we mourn the passing of an old friend, by the name of Common
Sense. Common Sense lived a long life but died from heart failure early
in the new millennium. No one really knows how old he was since his
birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He
selflessly devoted his life to service in schools, hospitals, homes,
factories and offices, helping folks get jobs done without fanfare and
foolishness.

For decades, petty rules, silly laws and frivolous lawsuits held no
power over Common Sense. He was credited with cultivating such valued
lessons as to know when to come in out of the rain, the early bird gets
the worm, and life isn't always fair. Common Sense lived by simple,
sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn), reliable
parenting strategies (the adults are in charge, not the kids), and it's
okay to come in second (or even last, as long as your best efforts were
given).

A veteran of the Industrial Revolution, the Great Depression, and the
Technological Revolution, Common Sense survived cultural and
educational trends including body piercing, whole language and "new
math." But his health declined when he became infected with the
"If-it-only-helps-one-person-it's-worth-it" virus. In recent decades
his waning strength proved no match for the ravages of overbearing
regulations. He watched in pain as good people became ruled by
self-seeking lawyers.

His health rapidly deteriorated when schools endlessly implemented
zero tolerance policies, reports of six year old boys charged with
sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, a teen suspended for taking
a swig of mouthwash after lunch, and a teacher fired for reprimanding
an unruly student. It declined even further when schools had to get
parental consent to administer aspirin to a student but cannot inform
the parent when the female student is pregnant or wants an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost his will to live as the Ten Commandments
became contraband, churches became businesses, criminals received
better treatment than victims, and federal judges stuck their noses in
everything from Boy Scouts to professional sports. Finally, a woman
who was stupid enough not to realize that coffee is hot, and was awarded a
huge payout for her stupidity, caused Common Sense to finally throw in
the towel.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust;
his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son,
Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers: My Rights and Ima Whiner.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Anonymous