STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS

1. Stray cats will not be fed.

2. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.

3. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a

        little milk.

4. Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with

        warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.

5. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent

        residence.

6. Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled

        unnecessarily.

7. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will

        absolutely not be given a name.

8. Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at

        any time.

9. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.

10. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in

        "y".

11. Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen

        their claws on the furniture.

12. Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the

        really good furniture.

13. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on

        new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.

14. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.

15. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece,

        high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.

16. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with

        a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.

17. Stray cats will sleep outside.

18. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.

19. Stray cats will sleep in the house.

20. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.

21. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with

        non-allergenic lambs wool pillow.

22. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.

23. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.

24. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.

25. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers

        except at the foot.

26. Stray cats will not play on the desk.

27. Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.

28. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk

        when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier' puyykmm4hbdm9lo9j USING IT.