Chapter 19
Howie paced backwards and forwards across his room. He was still debating with himself over whether or not to go and talk to AJ. Half of him was telling him to go, the other half begging him to stay. He couldn't make up his mind, so instead he paced from one side of the room to the other, heading towards the door, and then turning away from it to put as much distance between him and it as he could.
He stopped at the bottom of his bed and sat down on it with a sigh. He knew he should try and get some sleep, but he was too wired up after the concert to even try. he glanced up at the display on the alarm clock. It was 2am, and he was at a loss. He should have gone and seen him earlier. Then he could have talked through this mess and maybe sorted something out in his own head. Maybe then he wouldn't be pacing the floor at 2 in the morning, driving himself nuts. He ran a hand through his hair, and glanced at the clock again. Maybe AJ would still be awake. He needed to talk to him. It was the only way he was going to get any peace. With that decision finally made, Howie stood up and headed for the door. This needed to be settled once and for all, or else he was going to go nuts. And one band member with questionable sanity was enough without him joining the list.
Howie got as far as AJ's door, before he came to an abrupt halt, one arm raised, ready to knock at the door. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Maybe AJ was asleep. Maybe AJ would kill him if he woke him up. Actually, there was no maybe about that last one. AJ WOULD kill him if he woke him up. So instead of knocking, Howie moved closer to the door, and tried to see if he could hear any sound from inside. For the longest time, Howie strained to hear any noise from inside the room, until he started to feel stupid. After all, he was stood in the corridor in a ratty old T-shirt and sweats, at 2 in the morning, listening at his best friends door. But then, just as he was about to give up and head back to his room, he heard a noise from inside.
He stopped and listened, trying to figure out what he had heard, then he heard it again; it sounded like moaning. Howie wondered what AJ was doing in there, and was about to leave him to it, when he heard it again. This time he heard it clearly, even through the door. AJ was moaning, but it sounded like he was in pain. This time he could make out what he was moaning. He was saying 'No.' Howie wasn't sure what to do, but something told him that AJ needed him, so without really thinking about it he tried the door handle, and was surprised to find it unlocked. Another loud moan was heard; which sounded like AJ was really in pain, and he opened the door and stepped inside.
Of all the sights he had been expecting, he wasn't expecting what he found. AJ was lying in bed asleep, quite obviously in the throws of a horrific nightmare. He was thrashing around in the bed, covers thrown off, arms and legs flying everywhere as he squirmed around, a layer of sweat glistening on his skin. It was as if he was trying to escape from something, and he was constantly moaning and calling out. 'No, no, don't.' Howie rushed over to the bed, and tried to grab AJ without getting hit by any errant limbs.
"Aje, wake up." He called out softly, trying to wake him.
"No, don't say it. No." AJ cried, still gripped by the nightmare.
"It's just a nightmare, wake up."
AJ still didn't hear him, and continued to thrash about, and one of his arms crashed into the bedside table, knocking over the lamp with a loud crash. Howie was forced to grab AJ in something like a bear hug, and almost shouted at him to wake up, but it still wasn't working. So he tried another approach. He bent his head down to AJ's ear and began talking softly to him.
"Alex, it's okay. It's just a nightmare. I'm here and I won't let anything hurt you. Just wake up and everything will be fine." He kept repeating that he was there, and that everything was fine.
Kevin, Nick and Brian all came to a dead stop outside the still open door, having been awoken by the table lamp falling. They stood and watched as AJ slowly calmed down in Howie's arms. Nick looked at Brian and Kevin, silently asking whether or not they should make their presence known, and Brian shook his head as Kevin reached over and pulled the door closed, leaving the other two alone. After a few minutes, AJ moaned softly, and opened his eyes.
"Howie?" he said, confused and bewildered.
"I'm here Alex. It's okay. Everything is going to be okay."
Howie released his hold on AJ a little, but continued to hold him, not wanting to let go. AJ didn't want him to let go either, and he turned around in the embrace, and put his arms around Howie's waist, hiding his face against Howie's strong chest. They stayed like that for a long time, Howie gently rocking them both as AJ's body trembled. Howie then realised that AJ was crying, and he moved one hand from stroking AJ's head to gently cup his face and pull him up so he could look at him.
"Alex?"
AJ looked up into Howie's eyes, and Howie could see the pain his friend was feeling.
"Hey, Bone, what's the matter?" He asked softly.
"I'm sorry D." AJ whimpered, tears still flowing freely.
"What for?" Howie asked, confused.
"Being such a bastard to you before, before I went away. You didn't deserve it. None of it. You've always been there for me, and I kept hurting you."
Howie was shocked. He thought that AJ had buried all his demons from those days and forgiven himself. He was obviously wrong. Especially if that was the cause of such a terrible nightmare.
"Oh, Alex. Don't you know it doesn't matter anymore. You're my best friend and I love you, and nothing you say is going to change that." He grinned before adding "You can't get rid of me that easily."
Howie watched as AJ's demeanour changed. It was as if some of the weight had been lifted off of his shoulders, and his face lost it's tortured look. He smiled back a little.
Howie wanted to know what had brought all of this on, but wondered whether or not to push it. AJ looked at Howie and knew what he wanted to ask.
"I was dreaming about the day we had that fight. It was kinda weird tho." He stopped, as he felt Howie tense at the mention of it, and moved out of Howie's embrace, so that they were now sitting face to face.
"It was like I was watching a film or something... I could see myself sitting on the bed, drunk outta my mind, and then you came in, and told me that we needed to go. I heard everything I said to you, and I was trying to shout at my other self to shut up, to stop and not say those things to you..." He stopped and looked at Howie, and could see him holding back tears from this painful memory.
AJ moved a bit closer to Howie, and put his hand on Howie's arm. "It was awful, cos it felt like I could almost feel how much the things I was saying was hurting you...and there was nothing I could do to stop it, or take it back." Howie could see that AJ was about to start crying again, so he pulled him back into his arms, and grabbed him in a hug. He blinked back his own tears as he spoke gently into AJ's ear.
"Alex. It's okay. As much as it hurt, and you're right, it did hurt. I forgave you. I've known you for most of my life now, and I know YOU. That wasn't the real you talking. I knew that." He pulled back slightly, holding AJ's head in his hands, looking directly into AJ's eyes to make sure he understood what he was saying.
"It wasn't the things that you said which upset me, it was more that I wasn't able to help you. I was scared that I was going to lose you, and I couldn't bare that I could only watch you hurt yourself, and I couldn't do anything to stop it."
AJ was incredulous. "You blamed yourself?"
"I felt that I hadn't done enough, hadn't been a good enough friend." Howie admitted.
"Oh, Howie." AJ moved so he was holding Howie's head in his hands. "You did everything you could. I know you did. But I wasn't ready to get help. I didn't think I needed it. Until I decided I did, there was nothing you could have done. Please don't beat yourself up about it. I couldn't bare it."
"I won't if you won't." Howie smiled softly.
AJ was silent for a moment, as he tried to let go of his own guilt. Finally he looked up and met Howie's gaze again. "Deal."
Howie smiled, as he saw AJ let go of his guilt, and he felt his own lifting. Howie made as if to get up, but AJ held him there.
"Stay with me D. I don't wanna sleep alone. Stay with me and keep all the demons at bay. I'll feel safer if you are near."
Howie nodded and allowed AJ to pull him back down onto the bed. AJ gathered up the covers, and covered them both up, as Howie reached over and flicked off the light switch, plunging the room into darkness, before laying down facing AJ. Silence fell over the pair as they lay there staring into each other's eyes. AJ marvelled at how beautiful Howie looked in the moonlit room. Again he felt the magnetic pull towards Howie, and he could see that Howie felt it too, as they now both moved towards each other until they were only a few inches apart. Both men's eyes drifted shut as they closed the distance until their lips finally touched. It was a soft, sweet kiss, full of love and emotion. But it meant so much to both men.
They broke it at the same time, and then Howie felt AJ shift so that they were closer, and AJ lay his head on Howie's shoulder, his breath brushing against the sensitive skin on Howie's neck as he draped an arm across Howie's stomach. Howie responded by wrapping his arm across AJ's middle, and pulling AJ into the safety of his arms. Both men sighed contentedly, and within a few minutes, both drifted off to sleep.