Snow Lodge
Chapter 62
Back in AJ's room Brian listened to his friends voices fade as the walked away from the room. He sighed heavily and shut his eyes, relishing in the peace and quiet. He opened his eyes again and looked down at AJ, who still lay on the bed, oblivious to all around him.
Brian reached up his free hand and swept and errant strand of hair back behind AJ's ear, being careful not to catch the ventilator that was still covering most of the face he loved so much.
"Oh Alex." Brian sighed. "What are we going to do?" He asked.
"I know that the guys are more hopeful now, but I just can't see it. All I can see is you laying here, all these wires and monitors crawling across your body. You don't look so good, and I want to close my eyes and look away, but every time I do, all I can see is you laying in the snow like you were when I found you." He closed his eyes, the vivid images assaulting him once again.
"Oh God, when I saw you there, I thought you were dead." Brian told him, re-opening his eyes.
"I couldn't find a pulse at first, and I was so scared. I thought I'd lost you."
"But then I found it, and the only thing on my mind then was that I had to get you back to the cabin. But I'm not that strong, and I couldn't carry you, so it took me forever just to get you back up to the top of the slope." A tear slipped down his cheek as he remembered having to practically drag AJ up the hill.
"And then when I got you there, I had to stop. I couldn't go any further, I was so tired, and I just needed to rest for a minute. So I lay down with you and closed my eyes, telling myself it was just for a minute." He shook his head as the tears continued to fall.
"Do you remember when you woke up out there in the snow? My head was on your chest and you ran your hand through my hair, just like you always used to? Do you know what I was thinking then?" Brian asked him, running his hand through AJ's hair.
"I was remembering how much I loved it when you would run your fingers through my hair. I didn't realise that you were really doing it. I thought it was just my imagination." He told him.
"You see, I was letting go. I was so tired, and so, so cold. I could barely feel my body anymore, and you were just lying there, like you were dead." He stopped and took a deep breath, almost able to feel the icy wind against his skin once more.
"I couldn't stand it."
"I was just gonna rest for a minute at first, but I had no strength left. But it was okay 'cause you were there with me, and it was just like it always used to be, the way it should be. Me with my head on your chest, listening to your heartbeat." Brian leaned over and gently rested his head against AJ's chest, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat before pulling back again.
"I knew I should stay awake, but I didn't see the point. You were slipping away from me, leaving me all alone. And I couldn't stand that, cos without you, what did I have left to live for?" He asked. There was silence for a moment before he continued.
"And then you woke up, I heard you groan, and you moved, and when I looked into your eyes I suddenly felt all my strength come back. Cos you were alive, and I wasn't going to let you die. And as long as you were alive, I would stay alive too." He squeezed AJ's hand.
"Well, here we are again. You're slipping away from me again Alex, I can feel it. But I'm not going to let you go." Brian told him firmly.
"Not again." He stood up and moved closer to AJ, leaning over the bed as his face hovered inches above AJ's.
"If you leave me now I will go with you. I won't slit my wrists, or anything so dramatic. I won't need to, cos if you leave me, if you die, I will die with you. I may still be breathing, but I will be dead. Cos my heart, my heart will die with you, cos without you I am nothing." He breathed the words out in a rush, as his tears fell on AJ's forehead. He leaned down and pressed his lips against AJ's brow, tasting the salty tears on his skin before returning to his chair.
He lifted AJ's hand to his lips, kissing it softly before putting it back down and resting his head on their clasped hands as he spoke again. "Oh God I love you Alex, so much. I wish I had been stronger. I wish I could have known how much it was going to hurt to let you go; how hard it was going to be to marry to someone I didn't love, not the way I loved you. How terrifying it was to watch you break down, never realising until it was too late that the reason you broke down was me. And then maybe we wouldn't be here now, sitting in a hospital watching you leave me all alone. I don't know what we would have been doing instead, but it wouldn't be this."
"Anything but this..." With that he broke down completely once again, unable to speak anymore. He buried his face in the bedcovers, soaking them with his tears.
