Snow Lodge
Chapter 60
Nick watched Brian, who was now dozing lightly on the bed. He looked much calmer now, and seemed to be resting without the nightmares that had plagued him before.
He leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes, relaxing for the first time in what felt like forever. AJ wasn't out of the woods yet, but Jonesy was sounding more hopeful about things now and Nick was determined to hold onto that hope. He couldn't bare losing AJ; the mere thought of it made a dull ache settle in his stomach. He couldn't even begin to imagine how it must have felt for Brian, especially when they were stuck up in the cabin.
"Nicky? You awake?" Brian called softly startling him out of his thoughts.
Nick opened his eyes and rolled his head to the side so he could see Brian.
"Just about. I thought you were sleeping."
"Too much on my mind to sleep." Brian replied.
"I know the feeling. But you were exhausted, you need to rest."
"I am resting, I'm just not sleeping." Brian cracked a grin, which made Nick smile.
"That sounds familiar. I wonder who used to say that?" Nick laughed a little, remembering.
"Hmm. If I remember rightly it was this little blonde kid, who never went to sleep when we told him to, and ended up almost falling asleep at the worst moments, cos he was so tired."
"Yeah well, you guys were no fun. But it was always great to watch Kevin react. He used to get all tense, and that vein in his forehead used to pop out."
"Meanwhile Howie would be trying to calm him down, whilst you tried to hide behind me." Brian added.
"But you would never stay still."
"You may be my best friend Nick, but Kevin was bigger than me, there weren't no way in hell that I was gonna even try and get between you two."
"And AJ would just stand off to the side and laugh his damn fool head off."
"He was just happy it wasn't him getting shouted at for a change." Brian told him softly, his smile fading slightly.
"Shit. Brian I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up..."
Brian waved him silent. "It's okay Nick. Don't worry about it."
Nick sighed softly. "Still, I'm sorry."
They were silent for a few minutes, memories going through their minds. Until Brian spoke up again.
"It was fun though, wasn't it."
"Yeah Bri, it was. This past 10 years have been a real trip."
"You're telling me." Brian replied.
"Nick?" Brian called him softly again.
"Yeah."
"Do you ever wonder what if things had been different."
"What? Like if we never got together?" Nick squeaked slightly, surprised by the question.
"No. Not that. I can't imagine not having you guys with me, you're all too much a part of me." Brian reassured him.
"What things then?" Nick pressed.
"I don't know." Brian told him, looking away.
"Come on Frick. Don't shut me out, please. You've been doing that too much lately."
Brian sighed, knowing that Nick was right, but it was too much for him right then. Tears began to fill his eyes, and he swiped the back of his hand across his face, trying to brush them away. Nick saw this and immediately moved, climbing up onto the bed and pulling Brian into his arms.
Brian let Nick hold him, wishing all the while that it was AJ instead. He reached up and began playing with the cross around Nick's neck absentmindedly, rubbing his thumb across the back of it. Nick watched him for a few minutes before he realised what Brian was doing, and why he was doing it.
He reached his hand up to cover Brian's, still holding the heavy metal cross. The cross that AJ had given to him from for his last birthday. The cross that had "Love AJ" inscribed on the back of it.
"Brian. Talk to me."
"I just wish I could take it all back Nick."
"Take what back?" Nick asked him gently.
"The past three years." Brian replied.
"You mean..."
"I mean I wish I'd never been such a coward and given him up." Brian clarified.
"Oh Brian." Nick sighed heavily. "All the what if's in the world won't help you man." Nick told him. "All you can do is deal with the past and move on, but you mustn't dwell in the past, or on the choices you wished you'd made, cos you won't get anywhere with them."
"I know that Nick, but it's just so hard. There's so much stuff in the past, so many things I want to change."
"But if you could change them, would it make your life better or worse?" Nick asked. "Who knows, maybe if you'd made the other decision, things would be worse."
"How could things be worse?" Brian asked. "I'm sitting here in a hospital bed while... while." Brian broke off and cried again, unable to speak past the massive lump in his throat.
"While AJ fights for his life upstairs?" Nick asked.
Brian scrunched his eyes closed and nodded dumbly, letting Nick pull him close once more.
"Brian. I need to know something." Nick asked firmly. He pulled back gently, taking Brian's head between his hands and cupping his face.
Brian opened his tear-filled eyes and looked at Nick, waiting to be asked the question he knew was coming.
"Do you love him Bri. Do you still love Alex?"
Brian squeezed his eyes shut again for a moment, before opening them and focusing on his best friend once more.
"More than anything in the world." He whispered, before allowing himself to be pulled back into Nick's warm embrace as his tears fell once again.
