Snow Lodge
Chapter 12
Brian sat in the cave, watching the play of the shadows on the walls of the cave. He was so confused. He had thought that he had loved Leigh. He had been sure of it, but was it actually the case? Or had he allowed himself to be deluded into doing what he was raised to believe- that a man should find a nice woman and marry her. He thought that Leigh was the one for him, she was smart, funny, kind and loving- everything that he could have possibly wanted in a partner.
But she wasn't Alex. A small voice whispered in his head.
Brian shook his head, as if trying to shut the voice up. It was the same voice that had been trying to tell him for years that what he had done to AJ was wrong, that he didn't really love Leigh, and that it was all his fault that AJ had slipped into depression and alcoholism. The same voice that he had been ignoring for the last 3 years.
Brian sighed again, he just didn't know what to do anymore. The little voice inside him snorted, telling him that he knew exactly what he should do, but he was just too chicken shit to go and do it.
He needed to talk to AJ.
He didn't think that he could get back what they once had, but they needed to sit down and talk like they used to do before. Brian cringed as he tried to think back to their last proper talk and realised that it had been before Brian had left him. He suddenly realised just how much he had missed that, having the kind of connection with another person that meant that they could sit for hours and just talk about anything and everything, knowing that the other person would lend a sympathetic ear and never judge them.
He had never been able to do that with Leigh. She had always shut him down, dismissing his opinions as na�ve and fanciful. Brian hated that, and he realised that as their marriage had gone on, he and Leigh had drifted further and further apart as their opinions began to differ on anything and everything.
Brian shook his head and sighed again, before deciding that he had sighed more times in the last few days than he had done before in his entire lifetime. This thought caused him to sigh again and he closed his eyes and shook himself. 'I'm going crazy.' He told himself, before catching himself, as he was about to sigh again. He really needed to stop doing that.
He turned and blew out the flame of the lamp, his mind finally decided. He was going to go and talk to AJ. He couldn't do this all on his own, and he knew that AJ would be able to help him figure out what he wanted. He would sit there and let him talk things out, never saying a word as Brian talked out his feelings and came to his own conclusions. He had missed it, but now he needed it more than he ever had before. That decided he stood up and stretched his cold and cramped muscles before returning the lamp and the matches to their hiding place.
Finally, with one last look around the cave, Brian turned and went out into the storm headed back to the warmth of the cabin.
