Brian looked at his cousin, fighting desperately against his tears. But it was little use. He knew without doubt that Kevin was right, that it was his fault that one of his best friends, a man who was practically his brother, was currently lying in ICU.
He ran his hands roughly across his face, trying to wipe away his tears, only for more to replace them just as fast. Kevin's concerned gaze only made him feel worse, as he knew that Kevin wouldn't be as concerned about him when he found out the truth; the reason why.
He closed his eyes against the green gaze, only to be faced with his worst nightmare; the sight of a frantic Nick trying to wake a limp AJ as an empty bottle of sleeping pills slipped from AJ�s slack grasp and rolled onto the floor. Only it wasn't a nightmare. It was very real. Brian gasped harshly and re-opened his eyes, trying to force the image out of his mind.
"Brian." Kevin's deep voice brought him back to the present.
Brian refocused his gaze on his cousin, as he attempted to force the words to come.
"You're gonna hate me." Brian told him.
Kevin sighed deeply. "I'm not gonna hate you Brian. I can't imagine anything being so bad that I'm gonna hate you for it."
"Promise?" Brian asked, his voice small. Kevin nodded.
"He told me something. Something I didn't want to hear; and I reacted badly. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help it. I wasn't in a million years expecting him to say that to me. He caught me unawares, and I pushed him away. I know I shouldn't have, I know I should've been there for him, tried to support him, but I couldn't, I just couldn't."
Bran paused for a minute to look into Kevin's eyes. Kevin was obviously confused, and had many questions left to ask. Brian took a deep breath.
"What did..."
"He told me he was gay."
Kevin's eyes widened, unable to believe that was why Brian had pushed AJ way. But before he could begin Brian added softly.
"And that he was in love with me."
A stunned silence fell over the pair as Kevin tried to wrap his brain around this information. The fact that AJ confessed to being gay wasn�t really a newsflash, as Kevin had suspected his younger friend wasn�t entirely straight for a long time now, but the news that he was in love with Brian; that took some getting used to.
"He told you that?" Kevin finally asked; needing to understand exactly what had happened.
Brian just nodded, his eyes clouded with pain.
�And what did you say to him?�
Brian looked away.
�I didn�t say anything. Not at first. I was� stunned. I couldn�t believe that he felt that way. I mean, he never gave any indication before. I�ve known him how long now? 10 years? And in all that time he�s never said anything to me. I guess I couldn�t believe it. I mean I know him, I thought none of us had any secrets anymore, and then he dropped this on me.�
�And you got mad.� Kevin said. More of a statement than a question.
Brian looked at him for a moment before nodding.
�I don�t know why. I mean he�s one of my best friends, but I just saw red. Accused him of being drunk, or high on something, basically threw everything at him. I know I shouldn�t have reacted like that. But I couldn�t stop. He just stood there in the middle of the room and took it. He never said a word. But I didn�t stop. Not even when he started crying. I carried on cursing him out and calling him every name in the book. And when I�d finished I just turned around and left, slamming the door behind me. I was so angry at him. But I have no idea why.�
Brian chanced a look up at his cousin. Not surprised to see the anger in his eyes. It took a few moments, but finally Kevin simply exploded.
�Jesus Brian. How could you do that to him? If that was the reaction he got from you, it�s no wonder he wouldn�t discuss it with the rest of us. He was pulling away and none of us knew why- because he was too scared to tell us and you were too caught up in your self-righteous hatred to see what you were doing to him. YOU did this to him. You drove him to suicide because of your own prejudices. You may as well have tipped those pills down his throat yourself. I hope you�re happy now Brian. I hope you�re happy.�
With that Kevin got up and stormed out of the room, leaving Brian to once again drop his head into his hands and cry.
�I told you you�d hate me.� He whispered brokenly, but no-one was there to hear it.