You Promised
Howie had wanted to say A.J. was a fool for thinking he didn't love him that much and more, but the words never came. He wanted to tell him that his life wasn't worth living without A.J. there beside him. He didn't tell him that when a day passed that he didn't hear or see A.J. call him "angel" with his eyes brimming with warmth and love, he felt worthless and empty.
Instead, he gawked, and let A.J. get away.
Howie tried going after him, but A.J. was too fast, and had pulled out of the driveway before Howie could pick up his senses and reassemble them. Howie bit down hard on his lip until it began to steadily bleed. He could have died right then and there, watching A.J.'s car speed away.
Was it over? Howie didn't dare let himself answer that. Then he recovered, relaxing as he recognized that A.J. had told him he was in love with him, and love died hard. A.J. was probably hurt, but once he found out he had been too fast to let Howie get a word in to tell him he loved him to no extent, he would recover and they would be perfect again, happily united.
It was reassuring to dream.
He sat down on his couch, raking trembling hands through his hair. He was past caring what his hair resembled now. A.J. was angry with him. The world was grey when A.J. was upset. But when A.J. was absent in his life, the world ceased to exist.
Howie dialed A.J.'s cell phone number. To his great dismay, A.J. had turned it off. Howie leaned the back of his head against the couch, mumbling an unhelpful "I'm sorry," to the silence that engulfed the room.
<~*~>
A.J. boarded the plane with his heart sinking. But still, he went willingly. He made himself as comfortable as he could, considering Howie wasn't there to smile at him. A.J. hated flying, but when Howie was there it was easier, and A.J. actually studied the clouds outside if Howie's head was resting on his shoulder. But instead of going back, he stayed in his seat. It was only when the plane began to taxi down the runway that he wanted to get off.
He sighed and dug his back into the seat. If I love him so much, why did I leave him? He shut his eyes, forcing painful memories of the fight back as far as he could. Things will be fine. I know he loves me. He does. I see it in his eyes every day. He groaned. I'm such an idiot. He's just trying to protect us. Protect me… Oh God, I'm an idiot.
He bit his lip. What if Howie thought they had broken up? What if he had broken Howie's heart? A.J. covered his face with his quivering hands. I'm so sorry, angel, he thought to himself. I love you so much; I thought I was doing the right thing… He sighed. I'll make it up to him somehow.
He fell into a fitful sleep, dreaming that he made Howie cry and commit suicide. Then the ground began to shake and…wait, that wasn't the ground. A.J. felt his breath forced from his lungs. What was that? He opened his eyes and looked around. A few people were screaming. The oxygen masks had fallen from the upper compartments. A.J.'s eyes widened. What the…?
"We're going to die!" a manic woman shrieked.
A.J. looked around dazedly as the plane jolted again. He looked out his window to see the wing caught on fire. He yelped and felt his heart lodge itself in his throat. Dear God!
"H-hello, Louisa? It's Adam! Baby, I love you so much. I-I wanted to ask you to marry me…b-but we're go-going t-t-t-to crash. Baby, I love you! I love you! No! Louisa? LOUISA!"
A.J. was startled by the man's frantic cry for his girlfriend before he realized he was staring straight at him. Howie… His breath caught on the way to his lips. Howie's dream… They really were going to die…
As if in a trance, A.J. took out his cell phone and dialed Howie's cell number. He blocked out the panicked screams while it rang once…twice…
"A.J.?!"
"Hey, angel…it's me…"
"I'm so sorry, baby, I am. Listen, I love you. I do. I can't breathe when you're not near me. I can't see straight. I love you, you didn't give me the chance to tell you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Forgive me, Alex, please, I love you."
"I-I…"
"Alex? What…what's - I can hear screaming… What's-Alex? What's going on? Baby, I'm scared."
"Shh… I love you. I'm sorry I ran off like that. It wasn't your fault. I was being an asshole."
"Alex, you're scaring me. Why can I hear screaming? Have you landed yet?"
"No, but we will be soon."
"Alex? What's that supposed to mean? Alex? ALEX!"
"I love you."
"Alex, wait, baby, please, what's going on? A-Alex…"
"Don't cry, angel. I promise I'll be there soon."
"No! You-I… Alex… I-I can't…I… I love you… You can't leave me!"
"I have to go."
"NO! ALEX!"
"Bye, baby. I love you."
"NO!"
Click.
<~*~>
Four Days Later…
The fading sun's rays slipped off the side of the ring and fell into Howie's eyes. Nick had been right. The water was relaxing. The ocean breeze sifting through his hair, the copper sun melting its summery glow against Howie's skin… Nick said the beach was a kind of rehabilitation, and thus far, Howie had no complaints.
Flight 822 was only in the midst of being cleared up from the coast of North Carolina, but the bodies had already been taken to local hospitals or, in some cases, cemeteries in their hometowns. Denise went to North Carolina with her son's four band mates to identify her son's body.
Howie had left the room as soon as he saw A.J.'s mangled limbs and spent the next half an hour throwing up in the bathroom down the hallway, Brian kneeling next to him and rubbing his back.
Now he lay on his back on the sand, holding his hand up to the sky, studying the ring in his hand. It was scratched. Howie slowly sat up and dropped the ring into his palm. A.J.'s ring. Howie's was snug on his finger, and Howie planned on it staying there until the day he died. He loved A.J. still, and he knew that although he would never forgive himself for murdering the love of his life, he wanted some symbol of their old love, the love now scratched away, like A.J.'s ring.
Denise had given it to him. Howie had refused and almost begged her to keep it, but she was persistent. She put the ring into his hand and curled his fingers around it, looking straight into his eyes.
"I could tell just by looking at Alex that he was happier with you than anywhere else or with anyone else." She had smiled but it was blatantly strained and fatigued, the misery in her eyes adding twenty years to her appearance. "I remember I used to ask you to watch him when he was a teenager so he wouldn't get into trouble. I remember one time I flew up from Florida because Johnny called and told me Alex was sick." She had chuckled mirthlessly. "He was sleeping in your arms, coughing every now and then. But he was safe with you. You always protected him." She let his hand go, and this time, he didn't refuse the ring. Then she nodded, smiling tearfully. "Had he lived, I know you would have been good to him."
Howie shut his eyes, running fingers through his hair. If Denise knew about the argument Howie had with her son, she would not only have kept the ring, but probably banned him from A.J.'s funeral as well. If possible, the fact that everyone was treating him as if he had done nothing wrong made him guiltier.
He watched the sun-lathered clouds meander lazily through the sky, drifting heedlessly into the distance, not a worry or a single thing holding them back. Howie envied them. His life was pretty much over. What was the use of living when the person you lived for was dead?
Howie found it ironic that it was A.J.'s ring that was scratched. Obviously, it seemed sensible in a physical sense, but Howie still had trouble wrapping his mind around it in an emotional, or even spiritual sense. After all, A.J. was gone - probably in heaven watching over him or even right next to him, wishing he would stop moping - but he was happy. Howie was the one miserable. But of course, Howie thought with a trembling sigh that brought on an onslaught of fresh tears, he had broken A.J.'s heart…right before A.J. died.
Howie bit back a sob. If he was going to get over this, he had to be serious about it. He wanted to beat this. No suicide. No drowning himself or slitting his wrists, nothing. He would beat this the way A.J. would have wanted him to if it took him the rest of his life.
He pressed the golden band against his lips, closing his eyes to the gorgeous sunset. "I love you," he whispered.
<~*~>