Day By Day
by Rositamia
Day 1:
Kevin rolled over, reaching out for Kristen beside him in the bed. He kept reaching. He rolled over again, waking up completely after not finding her. Confused, he sat up looking around for her. Realizing why he couldn't find her, he lay down again, throwing his arm over his eyes. Knowing he would never see her again was eating him up alive. He'd been able to escape from that knowledge into sleep for a few hours, but now awake, he didn't have anything else to think about.
Kevin had gotten home exhausted the day before from a nine month tour. He'd left his luggage in the hall, his clothes on the stairs, and fallen directly into bed. He had realized that Kristen wasn't there as soon as he'd walked into the bedroom, but he wasn't worried. He had no reason to be. He had known that Kristen wasn't expecting him until tomorrow and he thought she was out with her friends, so he'd gone straight to sleep.
Now he lay in bed reliving the night before: the knock on the door, the cops telling him about Kristen's accident, the mad dash to the hospital, the doctor pulling him to the side to tell him that she'd been DOA and about the failed attempts to save the baby, all the phone calls to tell everyone. It had been the longest night of his life. He had finally stumbled home midmorning. He'd gone to bed expecting to just lay there, but had fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion.
Kevin still didn't believe what had happened. It really hadn't sunk in yet. He'd lost his family in one afternoon. All because some idiot had run through a red light because his brakes had failed. He had walked away with a concussion and a broken arm while Kristen and the baby had both died. Kristen had been out shopping and had been on her way home. According to the police, she probably hadn't seen the SUV that slammed directly into her door.
Kevin rolled over to muffle his sobs in the pillow. He knew that he wasn't alone in the house any more and didn't want to talk to anyone yet. He'd have to deal with making all the arrangements for the funeral as soon as he got up. He just didn't want to. Not yet.
Day 3:
Kevin was standing next to coffin, watching it slowly sink down into the dark hole dug into the wet earth. He felt numb. He knew that eventually he'd start feeling again, but right now, he was blessedly numb. He could hear the droning of the preacher's voice in the background, the rustling of the wind through the trees, the low murmur of someone reciting the rosary close by. Probably AJ's mom or Howie's, he thought. He didn't turn around to check. He didn't want to know. He didn't want to have to respond to any more looks of pity, any more inarticulate expressions of sympathy. He just wanted to have the day end. To crawl back into bed and pretend the world had ended. For him, it had.
Kevin knew he wasn't going to be able to do that. There was still the reception to get through back at the house. Too many people had come from out of state to leave directly after the funeral. Too many of them wanted to comfort the grieving widower. They couldn't understand that, for him, there was no comfort to be had. He just wanted to be left alone. But Kevin couldn't hurt his friends and family any more than they'd been hurt already. He knew they were only trying to help him. It wasn't their fault there wasn't anything they could really do.
The ceasing of the prayers made Kevin look up. He noticed everyone looking at him. He walked closer to the grave, bent down and let freshly dug earth trickle from his fingers unto the flower-covered coffin, then stepped back to stand beside his mother.
Day 7:
Kevin sat in the armchair staring at the flickering flames, drinking. He'd been there all afternoon. He could hear AJ on the phone in the kitchen. He'd been talking to the other guys, giving them updates on Kevin's emotional state. He knew they were worried about him. He didn't care. He didn't want to deal with anything. Not even the guys. *Especially* not the guys. He knew they meant well, but they weren't really able to help. They just didn't understand.
He heard AJ's voice rising and falling, as he walked around the kitchen. He'd been on this call for a long time. Kevin cocked his head to better listen to AJ's conversation.
"Howie, he's still not doing well. Since everyone left, all he does is stay in the living room, drinking. He watches those old tapes that Kristen sent him and the wedding video is on constant play. He doesn't sleep at night. All he does is pace. I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't listen to me at all. He just stares off into space."
There was a lull in the conversation for a moment. "I'm doing ok. It's hard to be here and not be able to do anything to help though. I feel really useless. I've thought about leaving, but I can't do that. I don't want to leave him alone. If he's drinking this much now, I don't want to think about how much he'd be drinking if he was completely alone."
Another pause. "You know what's really hard though? Not drinking with him. Every time I go in there to talk to him, all I can see is the glass in his hand. All I can smell is the alcohol. The smell is all over the room. Each time, I have to leave sooner. I can't be in there with him. But I have to. I have to do what I can to show him that he can't go down that road, that eventually he'll have to climb out of the bottle and deal with his wife's death, that he still has us. Still has me."
Kevin sat in shock, looking at the glass in his hand. He didn't know that AJ had been having such a difficult time. He didn't realize that he'd been tempting AJ into falling off the wagon. He quietly stood up and walked into the bathroom. Kevin stepped to the sink and poured the contents of the bottle and glass down the drain.
He didn't have anything in his life any more, not even his music. He didn't care about anything. But just because he was in hell didn't mean that AJ had to join him.
Day 14:
Kevin was pacing the bedroom, back and forth, back and forth. He'd been doing it for hours on end. He couldn't stop. He also couldn't stop thinking about Kristen. He'd gone to sleep, only to dream about her. He'd held her in his arms, heard her laughter, and tasted the sweetness of her kiss. When he'd picked her up to carry her to their bed, she'd disappeared from his arms. He'd gone running through the house, shouting her name, frantically trying to find her. He'd woken up with tears streaming down his face.
Kevin heard a soft knock on his door.
"Train, can I come in? Please? I know you're awake. I've been listening to you pace."
"No, AJ. Right now is not a good time. I don't want to talk right now."
"We don't have to talk. I just want to come in."
"No, AJ."
"Kevin."
"No, AJ."
"Please."
Kevin opened the door.
Day 30:
Kevin walked down the stairs to the kitchen, stumbling on the last step. Yawning, he blinked blearily at the sight of AJ flipping pancakes at the stove. It was a familiar sight. Yawning again, he went to the counter to pour some coffee. He stared at AJ as he put sugar in his coffee.
AJ looked at him over his shoulder. "What's the matter, Kev? You're just staring at me."
Kevin took a sip of coffee. "I'm just wondering what you're doing here, AJ. It's been a month. You've been making all the meals, washing clothes, and cleaning house. You sit with me for hours on end, not talking. You don't go out. No one comes here to see you. I should be asking you what's the matter."
AJ just shrugged. "I'm here because I want to be. I know that you need me to be here with you. I don't have anywhere else I want to be. You're one of the people I love most in the world. I'm going to do what I can to help you get through this. I know how hard it is when someone you love dies. You and Kristen were married for over five years. You were together for a lot longer than that. You were finally about to start a family. You had a life. Now, suddenly, all of that is gone. All the plans you've made, dreams you had are now gone."
He put a plate of food down in front of Kevin. "The tour is on indefinite hold. We're not going to be recording for a while. All the guys have scattered. Nick's on his boat in Florida, Howie's still looking for a house in Canada, and Brian is in Georgia with LeighAnne. Where else would I be but in the wilds of Nebraska with you?"
Day 60:
Kevin knelt down next to Kristen's grave, putting flowers into the holder on the tombstone. "Hi, honey. It's been two months already. I can't believe it. Some days it seems so much longer than that. Others, it seems like it was just yesterday. I miss you so much. I still think about you every minute of every day."
He sighed deeply. "I watch the tapes that you made of our new house being built while I was on tour. I'm so glad that you sent them to me. I watch you on the tapes, looking so happy, smiling at me, telling me you love me. I can see you walking through each room of our house, choosing colors and furniture. It's so hard to watch you setting up the nursery, but I can't stop. I *have* to watch. You're so excited. You look so happy. Did you realize that you kept rubbing your tummy every time you were in that room? I wanted to see you get bigger and bigger with our baby. I wanted to tell you that no, you didn't look fat, that you were beautiful, that you were always going to be beautiful to me."
He paused a moment. "I missed so much. *We* missed so much. I wanted to go to the store in the middle of the night because you just *had* to have some chunky monkey ice cream, run around panicking because your water had just broken, have you yell at me during labor because I was just aggravating you by reminding you to breathe. I want all the things we talked about when I was on tour and we planned our life together. You used to tease me because I was already worrying about all the boys that were going to be coming around, about what she was going to be when she grew up, about how good of a father I would be while still being in Backstreet and about so many other things. You thought it was funny that I was so sure it was a girl. But I knew. She was a daughter just as beautiful as her mother."
Kevin stared at the name carved under Kristen's. Ariel. Tears trickled down his face. His breath started hitching in his throat. "She was due today." He bent over and started sobbing into his hands.
He felt AJ step up behind him to hold him.
Day 120:
"Kevin, did you return Nick's phone call? He wanted to talk to you about some stocks he was thinking about getting. And Howie called to say that he finally closed on that house outside Toronto." AJ started placing the dried dishes in the cupboard above the sink.
Kevin finished folding the bath towel before sticking his head out of the laundry room. "Yeah, I talked with Nicky about the stocks. He wasn't sure if it would be a good investment. I told him to hold off a bit. They seemed kinda iffy. I'll call Howie later to rag on him for taking so long on completing all the paperwork. It took him long enough to finally choose one and then the paperwork takes forever. A tortoise ain't got nothing on him."
"Well, you know Howie. He's always gotta be 100% sure about every little thing before he decides to do something." AJ finished wiping off the counter and reached for the broom.
Kevin walked upstairs to AJ's room with a pile of folded clothes. After putting them into the dresser, he picked up the hamper by the door and walked back downstairs. "I called Brian, but he wasn't home. LeighAnne said he was walking the dogs. He's supposed to call when he gets back."
"Did you decide what movie we were going to watch on pay-per-view? I can't make up my mind between Planet of the Apes and Pearl Harbor."
AJ dropped down on the couch beside Kevin, pointing the remote at the TV. "Yes, I did. We're going to watch both."
Day 180:
Kevin dropped to his knees beside Kristen's grave, sobbing. "Krissie, I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know I was doing it. I can't believe I did it. Please forgive me. I didn't mean to do it. I just was so caught up in the day to day stuff. I didn't realize time was going by so fast. I can't believe I forgot about you and Ariel for over two weeks. God, honey, I don't ever want to forget you. I still love you so much."
He started to calm down a bit. "As soon as I remembered, I came here to see you. I wanted to talk to you. I know I don't have to come here to talk to you. I usually just tell you about my day before I go to bed at night. I have gotten better about when and where I do it. Before, I would just blurt out anything I had to say to you, no matter where I was. Other people found that very disconcerting. AJ got used to it though. AJ has gotten used to a lot of things."
Kevin sighed. "I'm not sure why he's still with me. He's been staying with me for almost six months. At first, I wasn't really aware of his presence. He was just part of the background. I lived my life in a vacuum. Nothing really touched me. After a while, I realized that he was there. When I asked him why, he just said it's what friends do. They help each other out. He actually has helped a lot. He made sure that my body survived, even when the rest of me didn't want to."
He laughed softly. "There was a time before he learned to cook that I wondered if I could survive him trying to help me out. But he's definitely gotten better. He's actually a really good cook. He got Momma's fried chicken recipe out of her. I know that you'd been trying to do that for years. Don't get jealous though. You know Momma only gave it to him so he could try to get me to eat. His Mama gave him a recipe for a rice and beans dish that's just wonderful. Howie's Mama gave him a recipe for fried bananas that's delicious. Yeah, that's what I said when he told me he'd made fried bananas. But I tried them. They're really good. LeighAnne gave him your recipe for cornbread. It's good. Of course, it's not as good as yours."
He stared off into space for a bit. "Honey, I have to go. I was talking with AJ when I remembered you. He's probably wondering where I ran off to. We're supposed to be remodeling the house. It's a beautiful house, but I can't live in it. There are too many memories. It hurts too much. I don't want to change it completely, just enough to make it bearable to live in it from day to day. I don't need a nursery. I'm thinking about converting it into a recording studio. It will give me and AJ something to do."
Day 275:
"Kevin!"
"Kevin!"
"Kevin!" AJ finally realized that Kevin couldn't hear him over the radio at full blast. Laughing at himself as he did a shimmy to the song on the radio, he started walking to the back of the house, singing at the top of his lungs. "All around me animosity."
Kevin looked up at AJ in the doorway. "You know if the other guys hear you singing that, they'll string you up by your toes?"
"Since they're not here, I'm not really worried about it. Even if they were, I can take 'em. Speaking of the guys, I just got off the phone with Brian. He said he's coming up for the weekend. LeighAnne's sorority sisters are coming up for the weekend and he's running as fast as he can in the opposite direction."
AJ laughed at the excitement on Kevin's face. "I thought that would make your day. I know that phone calls aren't the same thing as seeing someone face to face. I'm kinda looking forward to seeing him myself. I hope he'll be able to come up more often. Hopefully, Howie and Nick will be able to come soon."
AJ started to walk out when he remembered something. "Oh, and the mixing equipment for the studio finally showed up. I sent it back to the store in Omaha. It wasn't what we ordered. I'm hoping that it won't take another two months to get it delivered this time."
Day 365:
Kevin didn't move when he heard his name called the first time. He finally moved when he heard it the fifth time.
"Kevin, what the hell are you trying to do? Kill yourself? Because if you are, you almost succeeded. Did you finish that entire bottle by yourself? Damn, Kevin! Get up already. Help me get you to the bathroom. You're going to take a very cold shower. It probably won't help, as drunk as you are. It sure will help *me* feel better though. I leave for one day and this is what happens? I just went to Omaha to see Nick off and make sure the store was going to send the right mixing equipment, instead of messing up the order for the third time. I was gone for one fucking day! What were you thinking?"
Kevin groaned and tried to get up from the couch. He tried again. When he couldn't manage it by himself, AJ tried to pull him up. AJ was still scolding him for getting drunk, asking him why he'd done it. Kevin looked at him in disbelief when he realized that AJ really didn't know why.
"A year. It's been a year."
"Speak up, Kevin. I didn't understand what you're mumbling."
Kevin shouted, "It's been a year!"
AJ stilled his efforts and faced Kevin, a look of remorse on his face. "Kevin, I'm so sorry. I didn't remember. I would have stayed here with you if I had. I'm so sorry. All the days just blended together. I knew it was soon, just not today. No wonder you got drunk. You should have said something."
Kevin looked at AJ for a moment. "I'm glad you forgot. I wanted to spend the day just thinking about my girls. I don't do that as often any more. I don't ever want to forget them. They were my life."
"Were?"
"Yes, were. I realized today that I didn't die that day with them. That realization has been coming for a while; I just haven't wanted to see it. I've not been honoring Kristen's memory. I know that she wouldn't want me to bury myself in the wilds of Nebraska. This was going to be our getaway. We were going to live here when we weren't touring, but we weren't going to live here permanently. Not until we retired here. I know she loved me. I know that she'd want me to get on with my life. So, I'm ready to get back in the studio. All five of us. Not just me and you, playing around."
AJ looked at him searchingly, as if determining his sincerity. When he realized that Kevin meant every word he said, he let out a loud yell and threw his arms around Kevin.
"Backstreet's back!"
Day 545:
"I did what you wanted me to do, Brian. I took her out to dinner. We had a good time. I even thought about asking her out again, but I didn't. I'm not going to lead her on like that. I know I'm not ever going to love her like I did Kristen, so I'm not going to give her false hope."
Kevin looked up from the mixing board. "I've gone out with all the women that you and Nick and Howie have thrown at me. The only one who understands that I really don't want to actively look for someone to love is AJ. I didn't go looking for Kristen. We just happened. If I find love again, it will be like that. I'm not going to keep going out any more. It's too much pressure. Everyone knows that y'all are after me to replace Kristen, so I can't even have a casual conversation with someone without rumors flying around immediately."
Brian sighed in frustration. "Kevin, we don't want you to replace Kristen. We know that isn't going to happen. We just want you to be happy. All you do is work. And hang out with AJ."
Kevin had a thoughtful look on his face. "Brian, you don't seem to realize that I am happy. I hadn't realized it myself. I am happy."
Day 585:
Kevin sat next to the window of the bus, not watching the passing scenery. He didn't notice Nick and Howie looking at him. He did notice when Nick threw a pillow at him. Kevin turned around, surprised. "What did you that for?"
"I just wanted to see if you were still breathing. You've just been staring out the window all day. You didn't even get off at the last stop."
Kevin looked surprised. "Kevin, did you even know we'd stopped?"
He said no with a rueful grin. "I've just been thinking."
Nick and Howie both laughed at him. "No shit."
Howie came to sit beside him. "What have you been thinking about so hard, Train?"
"Kristen. Ariel. The past. The future. You. Nick. Brian. AJ. How things are so different now, but somehow still the same."
"Wow, some heavy thoughts there, Kev." Nick came closer. "Is there something we can help you with?"
"No, not really. I just have to decide if I want things to change. *How* I want things to change. If I'm ready. I'm not sure I am."
Howie put a hand on his shoulder. "If there's anything you need, Kevin, let us know. AJ too."
Kevin looked at him in shock. Nick and Howie just smiled at him.
Day 610:
Kevin and AJ walked in the front door, leaving the luggage in the hall and clothes on the stairs before falling into their respective beds. They finally got up midmorning, easily falling into their familiar morning routine of AJ cooking while Kevin sipped coffee at the kitchen table.
They were halfway through eating breakfast when AJ finally asked the question that Kevin had been waiting for.
"Kev, what was so important that we had to come home in the middle of the tour?"
"Is that how you think of this place, AJ? Do you think of the wilds of Nebraska as home?"
"Considering that I've been living here for almost two years, it'd be kinda hard not to."
"How would you like to live here on a permanent basis?"
"And what would be the difference?"
"You'd sell your house in Orlando and bring all your stuff here."
"Kevin, I don't understand why you want me to do that. If I do that, then what will happen to me when you get married again?"
"I can't get married again. I'm already married."
AJ looked up at him, sharply. "You know I didn't mean Kristen."
"I didn't mean Kristen either."
AJ shook his head, confused. "Did you get married and not bother to tell anyone?"
"I didn't even realize I'd gotten engaged, let alone married! But I am in love with all my heart and soul and I know that I am loved the same way."
A look of pain flashed so fast across AJ's face that Kevin almost missed it. "Okay, Kevin, now you've gotten me totally confused."
Kevin took a fortifying breath. "AJ, what did we do yesterday when we got home? And this morning?"
"Went to bed. Had breakfast."
Kevin reached across the table to hold AJ's hand. Kevin saw when AJ finally got it. "Just like an old married couple!"
Kevin smiled.
"But I didn't even get a honeymoon!"
Kevin smiled again.
"You will. I'll race you upstairs."
Kevin burst out laughing as AJ took off down the hall with a loud yell. He knew his new love would be bringing lots of laughter back into his life.
