"Where's the beef?" was a classic one. "Here's looking at you, kid" was even more classic. And speaking of classical, how's that Beethoven doing? Okay, we're straying here. The point is simply this: we love catch phrases. We hear something that just rolls off the tongue and we constantly use it in our every day vocabulary. We even strive sometimes to make our own catch phrases in hope that somebody uses it, too!

One time I started saying "Well, back in the good ol' days" for no good reason. It made no sense, it had no meaning and it had no story with it either. What the hell was I thinking? Well, I was thinking it would be catchy. Haha, it lasted like a week. Done, ka-poot, errr. Nevermind, I just kept with the classics. Not the ones I started out talking about, but these...

"These Things Do Happen"
I wrote a poem that has to do with it, but what does it really mean? Well, a friend of mine I call Vansickle said it once when we were playing basketball. He just said it. I don't remember who said what to make him say it, but he did. It's kind of like what you say when someone tells a story or explains an event or problem they are having. Briefly, it is the solution to everything. No matter how extreme or how pointless, these things do happen. Example?

Johnny Gruffles comes home from work one day to his wife, who is in bed with Charlie Chapstick (these names suck). She gasps at his sight, and Charlie rushes to get his clothes on, at the same time begging Johnny to forgive him. What happens? He simply looks at them and says "these things do happen."

Not enough?

Suzie Queebles comes into work bitching one day of how guys suck, her best friend is a slut and her car broke down. Everyone listens and doesn't know what to say. You (yes, you!) looks at her with a devilish eye and says "these things do happen."

I'm sick of examples. You get the point right? That's the basis of that one, and I wonder if I ever become famous, and use this catch phrase, will my friend Vansickle want some kind of copyright bullshit?

"What dick, you talkin' shit?"
It's one of those inside joke kind of things that only my friend Collin and I know about. It happened like this...

One day Collin and I were in Wal-Mart checking out hairspray or something in Health & Beauty. This buff model wanna-be guy was next to us slightly (about five feet). And I jokingly kept calling Collin a faggot. I mean repeatedly, like seven or eight times. Suddenly I hear the guy say "What dick?" I look at him and he says "You talkin' shit?" Trying not to laugh I replied with "No, I was talking to him." He shook his head and walked off.

What is so funny about this buff guy was that he said all of this so softly and light, as if this was the first fight he ever tried to pick. Oh well. We giggled.

Ever since then we just say it out of the top of our heads, with people around us totally confused. But hey, these things do happen. Hee hee.

"Dude, you're gettin' a Dell!"
Don't you love the new Dell Computers commercials? Where the teenage kid Steve tries to convince everyone to buy America's favorite PC? I sure do! Just recently I included his commentary into my daily speech. I got most of my friends into it now, and now it's just kind of something we say all of the time.

"Hey, man, what's going on?"
"Dude... you're gettin' a Dell"

We even do the little fist touch thing he does in the commercial.

I know what you're thinking. This phrase does not have anything to do with anything! Who cares? We love it!

"I think your sister's pretty ... I love you but I'm not in love with you ... I'm so pretty watch this."
Snickers probably has the best commercials. Well, they did. The new ones pretty much suck. But back in the day, they had the Snickers Cruncher commercial. You remember? The one where people bought talking dolls that said annoying phrases and they stomped the hell out of them?

"Whazzup!"
"Don't go there!"
"Get a life."
"I think your sister's pretty."
"One dollar!"
"Because I'm your mother that's why!"
"Talk to the hand!"
"Love you but I'm not in love with you."
"Not if you were the last man on earth."
"Don't worry, it happens to lots of guys."

Oh we love them to death. We just say them when we get bored and there is nothing better to do. In other words, every second of the day.

Snickers also had the Panda commercials, where the stupid co-worker tried to convince his colleagues to go to lunch. He used a magazine picture of a panda and made a voice for it.

"I'm so pretty watch this ... pretty pretty dancing."

That's a funny one, too.

The Miscellaneous Section
There are tons of other ones that I use, too.

"So, uh, how you doin'?" Joey from Friends!

"Can I get a woop woop?!" The line from the new Not Another Teen Movie.

"I like that. You're hired!" Some old lady from The Simpsons said this like five times, after certain members of the family called her names and were incredibly rude to her. Just one of those moments.

"Precious, put the dog in the fucking biscuit." Ya see, the line from Silence of the Lambs was "Precious! Put the dog in the fucking basket" or something like that. My friend Tom liked to imitate this, but I tried to do it and I said biscuit instead of basket. It was just a lot more funny so we say this now.

"What?" If you watch wrestling, you'll know this one. It is Stone Cold Steve Austin's popular catch phrase right now. It's one of those interupt-your-friend-and-piss-them-off-because-you-keep-saying-what phrases.

There are a million things we repeat for the hell of it, and I'm sure I'll remember some more after I finally finish this column.

In conclusion (real original transition), catch phrases are the shit. They set aside regular vocabulary because of their history and effect it has. A lot of mine are really just stupid things that make me and my friends laugh our asses off. We get real bored sometimes! But hey, use my phrases or make up your own, or just find a cool phrase off a commercial or movie or sitcom and turn it into your town's best new thing. Or just look like an idiot saying the same thing over and over and you turn into the biggest idiot ever. No chicks will date you, your friends will plan your murder, and ... wait, that'll be my next column. Yeah, kay, thanks for reading, and I'll talk to y'll later.