*The enigma called Rekha*

By Vinita Ramchandani
December 20, 1998

Not many took the dark plump daughter of Gemini Ganeshan seriously when she got into films. Said Shashi Kapoor: "I saw her first film Sawan Bhadon with Jennifer [Kapoor's wife] and I didn't think much of her. At that time women used to wear those ugly hairdos and outrageous eye make-up and Rekha had plenty of both. But Jennifer seemed to have an intuition about her. 'This girl is going to be a big actress,' she said. At that time Rekha was staying at a hotel at Juhu and she used to come to watch my shooting. I never took her seriously. I used to think, yeh gol matol kya karegi (what can this plump girl do)?"

Gossip columnist the late Devyani Chaubal, who was known for her clever, ominous predictions, had written off Rekha in an interview with Stardust, as somebody who was crude, clever, money-starved, dark-complexioned and affair-hungry.

The dusky beauty proved Kapoor, Chaubal and her other critics wrong. Rekha not only out-lasted the Dimples, Hema Malinis and other contemporaries but also happens to be the only crowd-pulling factor in the present films that star hot, new actresses. Khiladiyon Ka Khiladi is proof enough.

"Rekha has had an active career for 25 years because she is the only actress who can successfully satisfy the image of the harlot and that of the Sati Savitri simultaneously," said columnist Dr Devdutt Pattanaik. "She can be the sultry seductress as Madame X and the plain housewife in Shyam Benegal's Astha."

Filmfare editor Khalid Mohammed admires her technical control. "She knows how to give and to what degree. She has all that it takes to be a director. There is a kind of vulnerability in her control. She explores when she is acting. She can be compared to Merryl Streep and Jodie Foster. She has taken risks. She's done Ijazzat. She has reinvented herself. There is so much more in her creativity that can be tapped."

Rekha hailed from a broken family, witnessed her parents quarrel often, was made aware early in life that her father had a number of mistresses, was packed off to boarding school and eventually forced into tinsel town to support a 26-member family. And, she took Bollywood by storm.

Her personal life was equally stormy but she has come out wiser. The woman who spoke to THE WEEK was witty, mature, intelligent and philosophical. In the brightly-lit room, there was a white table, a vase of white Chinese roses and the woman in white. She spoke to THE WEEK about her life, her attitude and her growth as a woman. Excerpts from the interview:

QUESTION: Little is known about you. You have zealously guarded your privacy.
It's not intentional. It's natural. People think that Rekha means you can only go that far and not beyond that, which is sad because I am a very warm person. But I'm also very shy. But these are contradictory. I'm very friendly, I like to meet people. But I'm not a handshake person. If I enjoy a conversation with somebody, kids specially, it's so easy to communicate with them. Otherwise I don't know why people think 'who does she think she is' or 'she might just bite us'. But I'm not like that.

So what are you?
I'm still discovering what I am.

Have you done your best role?
Nowhere close to it. I don't know what it is but I do know that it [the role] should consume my whole being. Unfortunately it's never happened. None of my roles in these 27 years have fascinated me. When you talk to a Shah Rukh or you talk to these girls today they are so passionate about every role they do. I really enjoy my work. But it doesn't take up too much effort. So, I haven't yet done my best role. But I'm very positive I will do it in the future.

How do you tackle nasty comments?
In the beginning it hurt because I didn't understand it. I was a kid. Now I take it with a don't-care attitude.

But you've never wanted to change opinions, clarify your position?
How can you? What is there to clarify? Give me an example.

Let's start with Amitabh Bachchan.
What am I supposed to tell. Apart from the fact that he is a wonderful actor, a wonderful co-star that's it. He's a wonderful human being.

Then what about the affair?
Ask the press.

Is it just a press creation?
What else do you want me to say?

Is this an irritating question?
Nothing irritates me (laughs). I don't think that Amitabh Bachchan and Rekha were the ultimate on the screen. Well, Nargis and Raj Kapoor looked good. Again they say there was something. Maybe they had personal feelings for each other. I don't know. For me it's different. For me the reason why everything is so blown out of proportion is maybe because we are still very much in the industry. Of course Nargis and Raj are not there any more. Hema and Dharmendra settled down with kids so it is not very interesting. Or Neetu and Rishi....

But they got married.
But they did have something together. We were just a fabulous pair for my fans on screen and the producers and the entire industry got influenced by the press. They are so scared to even offer us roles together. We can't go and tell them bhaiya role dijiye (give us roles). And because people loved us so much on screen, I'm not a fool, I know how well we clicked, and because we worked together right from the start of my career and aside from the fact that he is really nice and of course a fabulous actor. Of course one is aware who suits us, physically and... he had such a command over language and he was such a graceful dancer and everything was falling into place. And it stopped and I stopped doing so-called heroine subjects. But it's amazing. I waited for roles together. But nothing came. Ek saal ho gaya, do saal ho gaye. Dekhte dekhte, atharah, unnees, bees saal ho gaye (It has been 20 years).

All the rumours...
(Interrupts) Do you realize it's been 20 years and it's not a small time. We did 12 films within five years together.

Amid rumours, one producer did offer you a film together, Silsila.
That was the last we did together.

At that time you must have been aware of the rumours.
Yes, but there were rumours about Amitabh from day one. Amitabh with Zeenat, Amitabh with Parveen Babi, you name it, till Sridevi, till Kudha Gawah. Nobody talks of not offering them films.

But you both were good friends before it happened.
How could we be friends when we didn't get to socialise otherwise. Yes, in the beginning we lived in the same building but were hardly in the building. We were working. At work how much can you interact? Of course those days everything was different from how they interact today. It was just one small group. Danny, Kabir Bedi, Protima, Jayaji, Amitji, Asrani, Shekhar were all in the same building. We used to play cricket, play Holi. Vinod [Mehra] was there, Navin was there and so was Moushmi. It was a small group and us zamane me Hrishida was making most of the movies. Apart from that, it's so sick. I still maintain he is a very warm human being and we are fellow Librans. This is the most intriguing topic for people. I think this is because this concerns the opposite sex, it concerns romance, it concerns the forbidden fruit, the so called extra-marital affair. And people want to believe that. They can imagine and believe whatever they want. That's their problem.

Have you thought of calling Amitabh and saying 'let's do a movie together'?
No, I've never done it in my life. It's not as if it is below my dignity or anything, it's just not my nature.

Isn't it sad that a relationship got strained because of a rumour.
No it did not get strained. Whenever we meet at functions, when his daughter just got engaged, Jayaji was very warm. She still had that lovely warm smile. You know, you tend to get affected by what people say about you. It takes a very warm person not to get affected by rumours, especially if it is somebody you care about. But it is sad that we don't work together.

Why did you take up Mother 98?
You won't believe this but I've accepted all films that have come my way. In the past 10 years especially I've not been choosy about accepting roles.

But why?
Because I am confident I can do anything and feel special. For me acting is like breathing. One shot or the entire film is immaterial. It's not that Himalay parvat kee hawa piyungi to hi jiyungi (you survive only if you breathe the air of the Himalayas). So whether I do a Killer or a Khoon Bhari Maang or a Khoobsoorat, or an Umrao Jaan or a Mother 98 it makes no difference. The reason why I'm doing it is because God has given it to me and I have to make the best of it.

So either you are not ambitious or you've achieved nirvana.
No way close to it. But I'm brave. The best thing that happened to me was that I was left alone. My sisters and brothers got married. And I was all alone. I made this house for the entire family. And before we completed it everybody got married and went away and I was alone. It so happened that I did not get married. I'm a very family oriented person. I like people around me but I like to be left alone. I don't tell them my problems.

You seem to have reached some plane.
I don't know what I've reached. All I know is that it works for me. It seems that I've reached a comfortable situation and a convenient place to be but it's not. Trust me. Life is not just peaceful pastures and snow-clad mountains. It is also deserts. I believe that it is a choice we all have to make in our lives. Nobody has the power to force you to do anything in life. You always have a free will. The only thing that can make up for these things is that when you make a mistake be rest assured that you are going to pay a price.

You must have felt like this some time ago.
I felt like this very recently. As recently as 20 years ago. I feel I was born again 20 years ago. For that matter I feel I was born again just yesterday, or today or this moment. Imagine if I had seen it all and seen so much pain, I wouldn't feel alive. I'm pretty hyper. I focus only on the positive.

Like what?
Right now I'm in the process of doing up my house. Not decorating it or anything. Just maintaining my house. I'm a perfectionist. Initially I used to decorate my house. At that point it was the need to possess beauty. I would reason to myself that I was buying this because it is antique, it was rare. Then I realized that I was hoarding so much. Every little thing needs perspective. It needs space, literally. Now my mission is to simplify my life. My house is full of plants. Or if you want you can invest in flowers, or make your own perfumes, that's what I'm doing these days. I don't need anything for the rest of my life, except to communicate and to be understood.

You aren't interested in social work?
I've done it ever since I can remember. I don't like that word social work. I feel it is being a human being and I'm trying to be one. So many things restrict you from being so, like your status, your name, your image. I'm trying to break free from that, to do my own bit as a human being.

How do you relate to men?
Apart from school, my interaction with the opposite sex is very strained and till today I'm wary of them. I can't communicate with boys naturally. I'm shy. If I had a husband perhaps it would be different. I don't go for parties, socializing, like other couples.

You don't party alone?
I would love to but I'm not a party person. If it's a public function I go. My friends come to meet me. Par ab hai hi nahin boyfriend to kya karoon (How can I help it if I don't have a boyfriend)?

Tell me about the men in your life.
I would like to know about the men in my life too (laughs heartily). Except there are no men in my life.

Why are there no men of one of the most coveted women on this side of earth?
The man in my life is my father. We had a great relationship after amma died. Bhaiyu my cat, is a wonderful guy and my darban (watchman) is very loyal. Let me think of the other men in my life. Why of course, God. I guess he's a man.

Why is God a man?
I don't know. I have a theory, it's because the opposite sex is more interesting. At least that way I'll get to have a real man in my life.

Don't you want to reach out to some man?
What do you mean by that?

Just that you are so much of a woman.
If you have to reach out to somebody you cannot value it that much. At the same time you can't expect things to happen to you. But I'm a great believer in destiny. I believe in timing and I know ki agar nahin hua hai (if it has not happened) then there is a solid reason. I really believe that there's somebody out there, I believe in a soulmate. I know he's out there somewhere. And if I've not met him yet I'm patient enough to wait. Even when I'm 60 I don't mind meeting him. But I know I'm going to meet him and weird as it sounds I'm communicating with him. I fantasize all the time. In the rains especially. I'm a romantic, more than other women, especially because I've been deprived of it for so many years. I don't believe in casual flings. Not to mention if you were a Rekha the whole world comes to know what you do. And not to mention the big tag of Amitabh Bachchan on your forehead. I mean, who'll compete with that man. That's the big reason really why nobody wants to communicate with me. If only they knew the truth.

Do you feel that if somebody walks in you'll know this is that guy?
Now I feel, but I don't know if it will be that way when I really see him. Because it has not happened as yet, I feel that I wouldn't be able to recognize him. Not because I've been disillusioned or that I'm not trained to recognize. Because I feel I'm changing every moment, in my perception, my thinking, my ideas, my defenses, my level of understanding, my strength. I have not come across anybody who thinks and responds the way I do.

If you don't meet "your man" will you settle for the second best?
I don't believe in second best.

You won't compromise?
I don't know what compromise is. I don't know what depression is. I don't know what boredom is.

Can you be happy all the time?
I'm not happy. I don't know what happiness is.

What would you describe your state of mind?
Alive, hopeful, grateful... er open.

You did get married though.
Yes I did. I never had happy feelings. I was not married to my soulmate.

Was marriage a compromise?
No. At that point I didn't see myself as an actress. I saw myself as a human being. That was an arranged marriage. It was not destined to be perfect. It was not destined that he would be the man who was the father of my children or somebody I would spend the rest of my life with. It just so happened. Again it was a blessing in disguise. May his soul rest in peace. For me it was my greatest learning, at the cost of the poor man of course. It was just not meant to be. I know what I went through when my husband died. I was numb and traumatized. The press went to town and I thought 'what did I do?' You know, the people I was close to, those for whom I've done films free, were talking about me with such authority! They were literally labeling me as a murderess.

Which God do you believe in?
Just God. (pauses) Well, we have been brought up to believe in a kul devta, Balaji. I've been very fascinated by the image of Shiva. Maybe because I've never had a man in my life. He's the ideal man.

Do you have a guru?
I am my own guru. I'm very open to ideas. I look at people and when they lie I know, when they want something from me I know, when they are completely unconditional I know. I know too much, that's my problem.

Were you always like this?
I don't know. My mother used to say, 'tum chup raho. Tum jo bolte ho woh ho jata hain'. She used to say I have very strong telepathy. I used to get these very very strong ideas of what would happen.

Have you faced financial crisis?
Oh yes.

When?
Many times. The last time I remember was 1990. I reached rock bottom, zero. I made up my mind that I'm going to get back within two years and I'm going to do it double. I didn't double it but I almost got there.

Were you close to your mother?
Not very close. I mean I was here in Bombay, the only earning member of the family. For me my parents were never separated. My mother spoke very fondly of my father. When I was 10 I was sent away to hostel at Selam district. At that time one never realized that dad was not around. You saw him in movies, every second day we saw his movies. Maybe we overheard some arguments. Maybe we realised... by the time I was 10 they had separated. But six children... jhagde chalte rahe par bachche paida hote rahe (quarrels continued even as they got more children)... you know how it was those days. But there was nothing to feel regretful about.

You are no longer dusky.
I'm not. That's very sad. I became pale because I don't go out in the sun. Since I stopped doing my dances and played different kinds of roles. Men especially are disappointed. But this is my mother's complexion. Smita [Patel] used to love it. She used to ask me how I got fair. (laughs) I must go back to the sun and get a tan. But if I go in the sun my face gets blotchy. It looks ugly and make-up lagta nahin hain. I have a million freckles on my face. In Astha you can see that.

Librans have their scales tilted, but you seemed to have reached a balance.
Terrible things happened to me, things I wouldn't wish my worst enemies to experience. There were times when I was trying to sort things out or trying to find answers but thank God I wasn't destructive. Like I didn't slit my wrists or I didn't go into drugs, anything destructive. I was really paranoid about taking a single sleeping pill. I used to go for days without sleeping. I used to be crying. I had living examples in my house. My brother was a drug addict so I knew the effects of drugs. My father used to drink, there was no way I would touch a drop, not even champagne. My mother was a diabetic, so I know what it is to fall ill.

How did stardom feel initially?
My first film Sawan Bhadon was a super duper hit. For the first five years I was very confused. I was a star within the first six months. I had one lakh for signing a film. I had my own bungalow, my own car, my own bank balance. I was the sole earning person of a 26-member family. That was like a major high. Everyone treated me specially, even your own family members. And it would have completely gone to my head had I not been disciplined by my mother. There are times I feel that I have so much affection to give to a boyfriend, but where is the boyfriend. Then I feel that I have this motherly instinct, I have so much love to give to my child and my so-called biological clock is ticking. I can't have my babies and then I think I can adopt children. I know I have this avalanche of feelings and that there is no point screaming. I have learnt to maintain my balance. I can be this way because I've never really lived with people. You know, it's very nice to fantasize about things but I've always lived alone, so that is why the only way I've lived with people is through my performances. God chose it this way. Maybe that's why he didn't want me to marry, settle down. That's why he chose that I live alone, that is why he chose that I didn't have babies, settle down like Hemaji and my other friends, be it Neetu, Yogita Bali, Reena, Zeenat, everybody except Parveen of course. But I did have marriage, I did have a boyfriend, I did have a lover, I did have a confidant, I did have a... a... soulmate, so to speak. And I think when all these lovely things have happened to you once they are forever because their memories are there. They never die.

Don't you want to have kids?
Billions of people have asked me this question. Would you have a baby out of wedlock? The answer to that question is as I've said before I wouldn't. I don't have the guts, and it's not right anyway.

Isn't your need to have a baby more important?
I'm not that selfish. I think about the baby. What about the father? How can I have a baby out of wedlock? I was deprived of a father all my life and I know what it is like. I can have a baby by adopting. But right now I don't have the time or the resources. First and foremost I want to set up an institute for spastics, only then will I have my babies.

But you will have babies.
If a woman in Italy could have a child when she was 60, menopause, the works and she did have twins, I still have a chance. If not biologically, I will adopt. At least 20.

Do you think Indian men are unable to relate to women who are successful?
I can only talk for myself. My man related to me beautifully. I am a product of whatever understanding or whatever sharing or whatever ideas.... I think it was a beautiful communication, a beautiful understanding.

Who are you talking about?
When I was in love, with this man. It was fabulous. So you can't say that men don't understand Indian woman. No. It was fabulous. At least my man was perfect. He is perfect.

Will you write an autobiography?
No.

So you'll take your secrets to the grave.
What secrets? I have no secrets. Yes, I have my private side. But private sides are not secrets. My private side should be respected by people.

Are you in favour of marriage?
I don't believe in marriage because I've yet to come across a single couple who fits the ideal image that I have. My images of marriage as a child was very different, it was that typical dulhan banna (becoming a bride) and getting a wonderful man who will love you to death. It doesn't work that way. Also I was brought up to believe that your husband, or your man or your lover would be your best friend, your ardhangani, and you will really feel lost without him. I believed this till I was 16. Then it changed.

But your parents didn't have that kind of marriage.
But my mother had that kind of image in her mind. She was a complete romantic. I'm a lot like her. She was so magnanimous, she accepted the second wife and the third and the fourth wife. Till today I have not seen an ideal marriage. But there's hope. I'm still not married to the ultimate man and hopefully I will make my own kind of marriage in my life in the future.

Where did you pick up your tips from?
Everywhere. First and foremost I was put in a situation in which I had to either drown or come up. I was alone. That was the best gift that was given to me. I had the choice to completely ruin my life or make it. I could have wept, 'Oh meri shaadi nahin hui, mere bachche nahin hue (I am not married, I have no children), my biological clock is ticking, mere umrah kee jitni bhi dost huee unkee shaadi huee (friends my age have got married)....' I decided that I will get married. Earlier my deadline for marriage was 40. Now it's 50. Perhaps when I'm 50 and still not married I will say 60. And who knows tomorrow if I drop dead? But the bottom line is never give up. If that happens all I'll regret is that I haven't done enough to make this world a better place. But who knows, maybe there is another world and I'll be making that world a better place. I'd like to believe that this is not the end.

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