"I've Fallen and
I can't get up: Satan's story"
Well, did anyone ever stop to think
about how Satan must feel about all this negative press he's always getting?
I mean, it's hard to live up to the label 'Supreme Master of Evil'. He's
got all these expectations piled on him. Imagine how your parents
make you feel sometimes when they start babbling about how you need to
succeed in life, and then multiply that by a million, and that's probably
how Satan feels.
Here's my theory: the universe is
in balance, right? And since it's in balance, that means that there's
a certain amount of good in the world and a certain amount of evil.
Now, without Satan, what would the forces of good do all day? They'd
have to sit around and play tiddlywinks (and that gets boring after a millenium
or two) because there'd be nothing to do. Fighting the forces of
Satan gives us do-gooders a purpose.
Satan defintely gets the short end
of the stick here. I mean, for starters his house is hot as hell
(pardon the pun) . Plus, who does Satan get to keep him company?
All the losers who couldn't resist sin. He gets to babysit the souls
of murders, adulters, liars, frauds, tax evaders, and the occasional Unabomber.
Oh yeah, I bet it's a real party in Hell for the big Horned One.
"Apocalypse
Thrift: Surviving the Armageddon on 10 Dollars a Day"
So, what to
do when the big day comes? I mean, do you sit at home and snivel
to yourself? Do you sit and wait, confident in the knowledge that
you'll survive as one of the chosen ones? After the Apocalypse comes, it's
going to be a tricky business trying to survive amidst all the chaos.
But with the proper budget, you can survive for months to come, on just
dollars a day. Here's a few helpful tips to help you get through
the hard times until the Big Guy comes to save you:
-
One word: ramen. You can never
buy enough of those packages of dried noodles. Your local Stop and
Shop has them on sale, 8 for a dollar. Go buy a couple dozen crates
of these babies...they're great, no matter if it's a fiery inferno outside
or a nuclear winter.
-
Don't buy brand names: a bag of Star
Market nachos is just as good as a bag of Tostidos and a whole lot cheaper
too. Buying generic products at the super market is a great way to
stretch your dollar.
-
Have a long haired pet? Don't throw
that shedded fur away just yet! Take a class on weaving and then
give Muffy's shedding a second look. Do you see the sweater starting to
form now? Kids love to wear them...it makes them feel closer to their beloved
pet.
-
Water will be scarce and baths are
a luxury you can't afford. Loofahs work just as well dry as they do when
wet, so scrape scrape scrape your way to cleanliness!
-
Do your research before you loot.
It's a waste of your time to hit a place like KMart, since they never have
anything in stock anyway. Your effort is better spent on stores like
Super Walmart and so forth. Remember, the other looters are out there
too, so you need to get to those goods before they do! After all,
we don't want the Jones to get that last pot roast, now do we?
-
Remember, there will most likely be
blackouts of all the local tv stations, so make sure you stockpile videos
of your favorite shows to tide you over. ER is likely to be postponed
for awhile
"Jesus was a Beatle
and Daddy was a Rolling Stone"
So there are
always these people with their panties all in a bunch over some rock group
or another. What's up with that, I wonder. I mean, is Marilyn
Manson really the Antichrist? I severely doubt it. Do you think Satan would
be that obvious? I mean...come on, give the guy some credit. Who
the hell is going to be fooled by a freak looking like Marilyn Manson?
If you ask me (and since you're reading my webpage, I'm going to assume
you are) if Satan were going to come to convert the masses to evil, he'd
probably look like a nice blond haired, blue eyed choir boy (um, Dan Quayle
anyone?). It's always the ones you least expect that get you in the end.
That having
been said, why waste your time picketing concerts and cds on the shelves
of Walmart? Oh yeah, people are starving and dying out there because they
are ignored by society and no one really cares, but god forbid that a department
store carry a cd with a suggestive picture on the front. Then all the indignant
moral folks come out of the woodwork to protest that one. Music seems to
be an easy target for people to attack, when there are much bigger problems
out there. If you'll recall, Elvis was a sex-crazed deviant because he
swivled his hips when he sung. Oh, if I had a dollar for every woman in
Vegas who was probably turned to the dark side, all because of the King's
sinful hips..... And what about the song "Jailhouse Rock"? Clearly it was
a call for pure young girls to fornicate with prisoners. Yep, that must
have been it. Oh the humanity.
Now, this is
not to say that we have to embrace all the lyrics and so on. But maybe
your time could be better spent teaching people why the message is wrong,
instead of trying to ban the artist's freedom of speech. Sure, you can
take your son's 2 Live Crew cd away, but does that make him any less of
a misogynist moron? No. It just makes him a misogynist moron without a
2 Live Crew cd. The best you can hope to do in this world is teach your
kids how to make their own smart choices. Sheltering them from all the
evil in the world will just make them more susceptible to it when they
do encounter questionable things (i.e. that crack smoking freak who sits
in homeroom with them and encourages them to worship Garth Brooks)
"Who You Callin'
a Bitch? : Mary Magdalene re-examined"
Poor Mary
Magdalene. How would you like to be known for all eternity as "the hooker
Jesus saved"? Not a very nice image, is it? People just can't seem to get
over the whole "disease spreading whore" reputation. Geez, cut the woman
some slack here, folks. I bet you didn't know that Mary at one point aspired
to be a camel driver. Did you know that she loved long walks in the rain
and an ice cream cone on a sunny day? No. Did you know that Mary Magdalene
was an excellent beach volleyball player? No. Why have we never heard these
things before? Because no one ever took the time to really get to know
her. Sad, isn't it?
"Charleton Heston
and the NRA: Does Moses Really Want You to Bear Arms?"
So, Charleton
Heston is the new spokesperson for the NRA. I guess he feels that his status
as the Soylent Green guy will help give the NRA some clout with the average
Joe Schmoe. Don't be fooled. Just because he parted the Red Sea on television,
doesn't make him an expert on a person's civil right to bear arms. Let's
face it folks, is an AK-47 really an appropriate hunting tool? Outside
of Texas, the answer is no (I've given up on Texas as a civilized state)
Plus, Charleton
is a documented primate-phobe. He's got no love lost for the simians among
us, nosiree. Do you really want firearm advice from a man who hates monkeys?
Sure, he's got a great gravelly voice, and sure, he looks smashing in a
toga, but we have to draw the line somewhere. So, make a stand for apes
everywhere and just say no to the NRA.