| Horoscopes |
A look at the month ahead, signs read by � me. Astrologer's note: If you take any notice of these predictions then you are foolish and that is not my fault, so if something horrible happens as a result just don't come running to me! Taurus � Public execution rule #1: Blunt axes are messy, and make for a bad display. To please the crowd, always use a guillotine! Gemini � By deep-frying a spoon, you can increase its fat content significantly. Cancer � Performing liver-surgery on yourself could prove hazardous this month, especially if you run out of Aspirin. Leo � As if you didn�t have enough problems, I foresee trouble with twelve parrots. Keep your sword handy. Virgo � Trouble leaving your home seems likely this month, especially if you have become super glued to your kitchen floor. Libra � Cash flow problem? Why not do a Jedi mind trick on a cash point? Scorpio � Any closer to making gold? If the alchemy�s getting you down, it might be worth thinking about a career change. Sagittarius � Fame seems to elude you further this month. If all else fails, try marrying a tree. Capricorn � Well of course he�s evil. What do you think a Grand vizier does all day? Aquarius � The vicarage is more likely to spontaneously combust if one fills it with methane and offers the reverend a cigar. Just giving you a nudge in the right direction. Pisces � Does green blood run in your veins? I thought not. Aries � A coming predicament is unlikely to involve a sabre-toothed tiger and a Ford Anglia, but don�t despair! You just never know� To find out more about the day ahead, phone the Speaking Clock. He will tell you what the time will be on the third stroke. Home |