Troll Trek III: The Search for Coz

Previously on Troll Trek II: The Wrath of Kwan

The Trollship Trollerprise has been left badly damaged after a battle with a
Laker NG battleship. Meanwhile, SonicsAre1 leaves the Trollerprise in order
to seek revenge upon the Spurs Newsgroup for killing a member of his species
but is captured by Marcus Kwan and his band of Spurs fans, who now begin
their quest to hunt down Jack White.

Marko: Finally, we can take revenge upon Jack White!

Charlie Board: Not so fast. We can't take on the Trollerprise in this
measely shuttlecraft.

Marcus Kwan: Don't worry. Set a course to the Dallas Newsgroup. I have
contacts there.

Marko: Isn't that where the billionaire troll mcuban lives?

Marcus Kwan: Yes. He promised he'd compensate us for all the suffering we
Spurs fans had to endure when he had the Great Derek Anderson's shoulder
separated. I'm sure he'd be willing to acquire a top of the line TrollFleet
vessel for us.

Charlie Board: We would have won the championship if it weren't for that! A
TrollFleet ship still doesn't make up for the loss of a championship though.

Marko: Maybe we can convince him to let us appear on the Mark Cuban Show!

Meanwhile back on the Trollerprise

Jack White: As soon as repairs are done, resume course to the Lakers
Newsgroup. They'll PAY for attacking my ship!

Jedi: Jack, I forgot to mention but what do you want to do with Coz's body?
His body has been decomposing in my sickbay since part one.

Jack White: Let's use him to infect the Laker NG with the Marko virus! Stick
him in a torpedo tube and fire him off towards their newsgroup!

Jedi: Is it my imagination or is your caps lock key malfunctioning?

Jack White: My caps lock is FINE! I'm just tired of pressing it EVERY other
word especially after a HARD fought battle. I'm feeling a bit STRESSED out.
I need to relax and watch a WWF pay per view.

Jedi: Jack, you know the WWF isn't real, right?

Jack White: WHAT are YOU talking ABOUT?! That's LIKE saying the NBA isn't
REAL! At LEAST in the WWF, the refs look the OTHER way when they MAKE  a BAD
call! They DON'T even do that in the NBA!

Spin: Fascinating.

Jack White: MORE people watch the WWF WORLDWIDE than they DO the NBA! I
mean, the ROCK is 100 TIMES more POPULAR than Shaq will EVER be!

Jedi: I knew I shouldn't have brought this up.

Spin: Captain, you are mistaken. Shaq is clearly more popular than anyone in
the history of mankind, not to mention the greatest basketball player that
has ever lived. This is fact, not opinion.

Jack White: Oh YEAH?! Has Shaq EVER DUNKED on Paul Wight? I DON'T think so!
Is Shaq 7'4" 500 pounds? I DON'T think so!

Jedi: Why are you wasting time arguing about the WWF?

Jack: BECAUSE the plot dictates it! We NEED to WASTE enough time so that
Marcus Kwan can CATCH up to us!

Jedi: If you want to waste time, fine. But, damnit Jack, this is a Trek
parody not a WWF parody!

Jack: Um, HELLO?! MANY Trekkies and Trekkers WATCH the WWF! Why else would
the ROCK guest star in a Voyager episode?! Not only that but NBA fans also
WATCH the WWF! The WWF is the WAY WAY more POPULAR than any show in the
WORLD!

Jane: I hate to interrupt such a intellectual debate for male supremacy but
captain, you have a message.

Jack White: Onscreen.

Faiz Kalyani: Ah, Captain White.

Jack White: Captain Kalyani, so what have you discovered?

Faiz Kalyani: Well, according to my sources, the Lakers NG is in total
chaos. Apparently the Lakers are trading Kobe Bryant to the Raptors for
Charles Oakley to strengthen their forward position.

Spin: Seems logical.

Jack White: Anything else?

Faiz Kalyani: Yes, rumor has it that Marcus Kwan has escaped from the Spurs
Newsgroup and formed an alliance with mcuban of the Mavs Newsgroup.
Apparently, he's headed in your direction.

Jack White: Thanks AGAIN for your help.

Faiz Kalyani: No problem, I need to be going now. Rumor has it that the
Blazers want to trade Bonzi Wells and Scottie Pippen to Boston for future
considerations. I'm on my way to Portland to confirm this. Kalyani out.

Jedi: You can't trust that guy. He's given us false info in the past.

Jack White: WHAT are YOU talking about?! I TRUST him COMPLETELY! He has
worked for TrollFleet Intelligence for MANY years and has an EXEMPLARY
record!

Jedi: He's no more an intelligence officer than I am a ... Oops, I already
used that joke in part two. Er, he's no more an intelligence officer than
Spin is a Laker fan!

Meanwhile back in Dallas NG space

Marko: Wow, this is great! Our very own TrollFleet ship! The U.S.S. Derek
Anderson!

Marcus Kwan: Excellent. More than a match for the Trollerprise.

Charlie Board: Excuse me but there appears to be a scene missing. You know,
the part where we meet mcuban.

Marcus Kwan: Well yeah, that scene got cut due to the length of this parody.
Besides Cuban was too busy with his new talk show to take the part.
Anyways, Marko, we need to replicate the Marko virus.

Marko: Uh, we don't have any more samples.

Marcus Kwan: Then create another batch!

Marko: Uh, I forgot how. And I left the formula encoded in the original
virus which we used to infect Coz with.

Marcus Kwan: What?! You mean to tell me that Jack White has the formula to
the Marko virus? You idiot!

Marko: Sir, we can use our prisoner, SonicsAre1, and trade him for Coz's
dead body!

Marcus Kwan: Hmm..

Charlie Board: Sir, we already have a ship and the means to go where we
want. We escaped from the Spurs NG and defeated the plans of Captain Jack
White. You don't need to defeat him again.

Marcus Kwan: He asks me and I shall have him. I'll chase him around the
rings of the WWF before I give him up. Lay an intercept course with the
Trollerprise!

Back on the Trollerprise.

Spin: Sensors are detecting another ship. It's another TrollFleet vessel.
The U.S.S. Derek Anderson.

Jack White: WHAT?! I didn't ask for any reinforcements.

Jane: Should I hail them?

Jack White: Not yet. By the way Jane, I'd appreciate it if you don't wear a
miniskirt. I realize it's the standard uniform but your legs are HORRIBLE!
Clearly your VERTICAL LEAP is non-existent!

Jane: Sweetie, remind me not to buy any of Paul Wight's products.

Jack White: Wait! I'm SORRY! I take that BACK!

Spin: Captain, the ship is getting closer.

Jack White: Open real audio channel!

Jane: Open.

Jack White: This is CAPTAIN Jack White of the Trollship Trollerprise. I DIDN
'T ask for any assistance from TrollFleet. WHY are you here?

-

Charlie Board: You want to respond?

Marcus Kwan: Let them eat static.

Charlie Board: They haven't raised their shields yet.

Marcus Kwan: Of course not. We're TrollFleet, just one big happy family.
Raise our shields. Lock on Mr. Robinson's Phasers!

-

Spin: They're locking phasers.

Jack White: RAISE shields!

Phaser blasts rips across the Trollerprise's hull. Crewmembers are flying
across the bridge.

Jack White: Uh, people, the script says FLYING not STUMBLING across the
bridge. I didn't realize that ALL of my crewmembers HAD such LIMITED
vertical leap! This is PATHETIC. Can't I get any WWF wrestlers as stunt
doubles!

Jane: They're hailing us.

Jack White: Onscreen.....Kwan?

Marcus Kwan: You still remember me. I can't help but be touched.

Jack White: WHAT is the MEANING of this attack?!

Marcus Kwan: Like you don't know? After making me suffer through all those
Paul Wight pics over and over, I mean to avenge myself upon you! But first I
wanted you to know who had beaten you.

Jack White: If it's ME you WANT, SPARE my CREW and I'll beam myself over.

Jedi: Yes, please spare us! I'm not really part of Jack's crew! I'm really a
Spurs fan!

Jedi rips off his TrollFleet uniform and reveals a Spurs uniform underneath.

Jack White: You stupid bandwagoner!

Marcus Kwan: I make you a counter proposal. I'll agree to your terms if you
also hand over Coz's dead body and ALL of your Paul Wight pics. I give you
60 seconds.

Jedi: Damn! What do we do? We no longer have Coz's body onboard!

Jack White: I KNOW. Send him the Paul Wight pics.

Spin: Captain, are you certain about this? You do hold these pics in high
regard.

Jack White: DON'T worry. I have BACKUPS! KWAN, I'm transmitting the pics
NOW.

Marcus Kwan: Good, now what about Coz's body?

Jack White: LOWER your shields and WE'LL beam him aboard!

Marko lowers the shield.

Marcus Kwan: NOOOOOO!!!! You idiot!!!!!!

Jack White: Fire Stone Cold Phasers!

Spin: Direct hit on their weapons array.

Jack White: Continue firing!

Marcus Kwan: You idiot! Why did you lower shields?!

Marko: But, I thought you wanted Coz's body?

Marcus Kwan: Idiot! Return fire!

Charlie Board: We can't! Our weapons are offline!

Marcus Kwan: Damn!

Charlie Board: Don't worry, if they continue shooting like that against us
in the WCF, they won't stand a chance!

-

Jedi: Jack, you know I was just joking earlier. I was only trying to
distract Kwan.

Jack White: WHATEVER. What damage did we do?

Spin: Their ship has suffered a separated shoulder.

Jedi: So did real audio tell you that?

Spin: No, I just upgraded to real video. What an amazing difference.

Jack White: We NEED to FIND Coz's body!

Jedi: What for? He's still dead, Jack.

Jack White: Kwan WANTED his body. OBVIOUSLY there's something important
about it. We MUST find the body before he does! And if it WASN'T for YOU, we
'd still have Coz's body!

Jedi: He was stinking up my sickbay! Besides, you were the one who made the
decision to fire him off in a torpedo!

Jack White: And IF you hadn't brought it UP, I WOULDN'T have done it! Set a
course for the Laker NG before Kwan recovers!

Spin: We're in transporter range.

Jack White: Ok, I'm GOING to beam down to the Laker NG. Jedi, Jane, you're
with me. Mr. Spin, you HAVE the bridge. Try to distract Kwan while we
RECOVER Coz's BODY.

Spin: Wait.

Jack White: What.

Spin: Live long and prosper.

Jack White: Whatever. I'd rather JUMP long and prosper. Let's go!

Jane: Wait!

Jack White: What.

Jane: Just the three of us? Shouldn't we bring some security officers? There
could Cyber Street Gang Members down there!

Jack White: Fine, Bullyo REPORT to the transporter room!

Jedi: Wait!

Jack White: What now?

Jedi: Only one security officer?

Jack White: What do we NEED another one for? You can act as a security
officer, can't you?

Jedi: Damnit Jack, I'm a doctor not a Jedi Knight!

Jack White: Don't WORRY. I am trained in the ways of Paul Wight. I've
watched EVERY match of his.

Bullyo: Wait!

Jack White: What now?

Bullyo: Bullyo objects to this mission.

Jack White: WHY?

Bullyo: Bullyo is wearing a redshirt, obviously that doesn't bode well for
Bullyo.

Jack White: So? It's NOT my fault the Bulls wear red!

Bullyo: Bullyo refuses to go on this mission. If Bullyo goes on this
mission, Bullyo predicts a horrible death for Bullyo.

Jack White: HOW would YOU know?

Bullyo: Not only do 100% redshirts die but Bullyo has a 100% prediction
accuracy rating.

Jack White: WHATEVER, Stevie, 4 to BEAM down.

Steve Jaros: Right now?

Jack White: YES, right NOW!

Steve Jaros: Sorry, you can't blame me for trying to squeeze in an extra
line for myself.

Jack White: DON'T start! Just DO it!

Bullyo: Wait!

Jack White: NOW WHAT?!

Bullyo: Bullyo requests that you ask another Bulls troll to take Bullyo's
place. Ask Pipster or J Tolstoy! Bullyo is too important to sacrifice.
Bullyo has a business in Mexico to run.

Jack White: ENERGIZE ALREADY!

Steve Jaros: Energizing. Mr. Spin, they're down.

Spin: Take us out of orbit Mr. Chrsan.

Chrsan: Finally! With everyone down on the newsgroup, I can finally get some
lines!

-

Marko: Should we follow the Trollerprise?

Charlie Board: Sensors detect that they've beamed down to the newsgroup.

Marcus Kwan: That must be where Coz's body is!  Locate the body and beam it
up!

-

Jedi: There's the torpedo tube!

Jane: Uh oh. They're beaming it up.

Jedi: Uh, why didn't we think of that?

Jack White: Damn it! Kwan, you may have Coz's body but if you want to KILL
me, you're going to HAVE to come down HERE to get me!

Marcus Kwan: Oh, I've done more than kill you. I've hurt you and I wish to
continue hurting you. After I destroy the Trollerprise, I shall you leave
you stranded on this newsgroup just like you left me.

Jack White: KWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To be continued....