Troll Trek II: The Wrath of Kwan
Previously on Troll Trek.
The Trollship Trollerprise after trolling the Spurs Newsgroup, was on it's
way to a well deserved shore leave when long range sensors detect a new
newsgroup. The crew however is unaware that one of their members had been
infected by the Marko virus. On it's way to explore the new newsgroup, the
Trollerprise is intercepted by a Lakers NG ship.
Troll Trek II: The Wrath of Kwan
Location: The Spurs Newsgroup. Left in ruins by Captain Jack White of the
Trollship Trollerprise.
Charlie Board: It's almost time.
Marcus Kwan: Nooooo!!!! Not again!
(A flood of emails spams the newsgroup.)
Marcus Kwan: Nooo!!!!! I can't take any more of these Paul Wight pics!!!!
I'm sick of Paul Wight! When is the next wave of spam due?
Charlie Board: About 3 hours.
Marcus Kwan: I got to get off this newsgroup! I can't take it any more! Jack
White is going to pay for this!
Marko: But sir, we already infected one of his crewmembers with the Marko
virus.
Marcus Kwan: Not good enough! I want him to see with his own eyes who has
defeated him!
Marko: But sir, Jack already defeated you last time. What makes you think
you'll succeed this time around?
Marcus Kwan: He got lucky!!!! When he said that Paul Wight was bigger than
both David Robinson and Tim Duncan combined, he caught me off-guard! I just
didn't know how to respond! But I'll be prepared for him next time! Jack
White, I shall have my revenge!!!!!!
Back in Laker NG space.
Warped: I repeat, you are violating Laker NG space. Lower your shields and
prepare to be boarded.
Jack White: I'm sorry but we didn't know this was your territory. We're
explorers from another part of the Usenet and we're on a peaceful mission to
explore new newsgroups and civilizations. We're hoping we can perhaps
exchange ideas and even open up crosspost threads between our two groups.
Warped: We've heard this story before. It's obviously a trick to lower our
guard so you can destroy us!
Jack White: I assure you, TrollFleet is a peaceful organization.
Warped: Lies! You have 15 minutes to surrender or else we shall open fire.
The Lakers ship
Commander Viker: Why don't we attack them now?????????? We can catch them by
surprise.......... and take them out before they know what hit them.....and
still make it to the Lakers NG Party in time.......
Warped: Patience number one.
Back on the Trollerprise.
Jack White: He's NOT falling for it!
..
Jack White: WHAT is everyone LOOKING at?
Dr. Jedi: I'm surprised you were talking without using caps every other
word.
Jack White: That's a MISCONCEPTION! I CAN be DIPLOMATIC when I NEED to be.
Mr. Spin: Captain, someone has just launched a shuttlecraft without
authorization. It appears to be SonicsAre1.
Jack White: WHAT?! Tractor beam!
Spin: They're offline.
Jack White: OPEN real RADIO channel!
Jane: Open.
Jack White: WOW, that was FAST! I'm SURPRISED!
Jane: Well I finished downloading those Foxy images. It's amazing how much
faster real audio works without the downloads slowing it down.
Jack White: Anyways, SonicsAre1, WHAT are YOU doing?!
SonicsAre1: What am I doing? WHAT are YOU doing?!
Jack White: I KNOW what I'm DOING! WHAT are YOU doing?!
Spin: Captain, we don't have time for this.
Jack White: Oh right. SonicsAre1, RETURN to THE ship immediately!
SonicsAre1: Sorry captain. But those Spurs fans are going to pay for
infecting Coz with the Marko virus! They shall pay for this! I shall avenge
all sonic fans everywhere!
Jack White: DAMN! Don't THEY teach DISCIPLINE at TrollFleet ACADEMY?!
Spin: Captain, I did try to warn you from assigning Sonic trolls to our
crew. Their species are known for incompetence.
Jack White: TrollFleet DOESN'T discriminate, even IF it's BRAINDEAD sonic
TROLLS! Besides, WE felt SYMPATHY for them considering their SPECIES nearly
became EXTINCT after their TEAM went LOTTERY BOUND.
-
Viker: A shuttlecraft has left their ship......... Should we go after
it????????????????????????
Warped: No, it could be a diversion.
Viker: They could be sending for reinforcements........... We should act
now before it's too late...............
Warped: Ok, open real audio channel.
Viker: Open.....
Warped: Your time is up! Surrender or be destroyed.
-
Jack White: He's THREATENING us. OPTIONS?!
Jedi: You're asking me? I'm a doctor not a bridge officer!
Jack White: Then WHAT are YOU doing on the BRIDGE?
Jedi: I wouldn't get any lines if I were in sickbay!
Jack White: Hmm..what WOULD Paul Wight do in a SITUATION like this? I GOT
it! Load the PAUL WIGHT torpedoes!
Spin: Captain, those torpedoes are experimental and highly unreliable. I
would suggest using the Shaq torpedoes.
Jack White: NO! It's been PROVEN that the PAUL WIGHT torpedoe's VERTICAL
LEAP is clearly MUCH MUCH HIGHER than any OTHER torpedoes! Fire TORPEDOES!
Chrsan: Firing. Gee what a boring role I have in this parody.
Jane: Sweetie, it's no worse than my role. I mean, Viker has more lines in
part 2 than I do in parts 1 and 2 combined!
Jedi: Will you background characters please be quiet? Besides, I'm not
complaining. I got more lines than Ben. He doesn't even have any lines!
HAHA!
Chrsan: That makes me feel much better! I got more lines than saget as well!
Spin: I can't understand why the captain doesn't follow my advice. I am
clearly a genius, why won't he take advantage of my genius?
Jedi: Yeah whatever. You're as much a genius as I am a Laker fan.
Jack White: Well, WHAT damage did the TORPEDOES have?
Chrsan: They haven't hit the target yet.
Jack White: WHAT?! It MUST be a malfunction!
-
Viker: Shields up!!!!!! Red alert!!!!!!!! Captain, they just fired something
at us..........
Warped: What is it? A weapon?
Viker: I don't know....... it's rather bulky........ it looks like a giant
coffin......moving rather slowly....... what should we
do????????????????????
Warped: Ignore it! It's moving too slow to be a weapon. They're trying to
distract us! Fire the bozak torpedoes!
-
Spin: They're firing at us. Brace for impact!
The Trollerprise is rocked badly.
Jack White: They'll PAY for this. FIRE another SPREAD OF Paul Wight
TORPEDOES!
Chrsan: Weapons systems down. Not that it matters. The first torpedo hasn't
even hit it's target yet! My God. First the Clippers and now this. Why can't
any of my teams get some decent leadership.
-
Viker: Their weapons systems are down.......
Warped: Let's finish them off.
Viker: Captain..that coffin er... Whatever it is ... it's about to hit
us.... Impact in 3....2....1.....
(The Paul Wight torpedoes score a direct hit on the Laker ship.)
Jack White: YES!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD you the PAUL WIGHT torpedoes WOULD work! 7'
4" 500 pounds of explosive FIREPOWER!!!!! What DAMAGE did we do?
Spin: According to my real audio analysis, it sounds like they received
damage to their sensor array and shield generators.
Jack White: NO! I want IMPORTANT info! DID we DECREASE their VERTICAL leap?!
Spin: Yes, their vertical leap has been reduced by 7 inches.
Jack White: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
-
Viker: Return fire......
Warped: Belay that order!
Viker: What??????????
Warped: We're already late for the Laker NG party. We've done enough damage.
Set a course for Orange County. Warpedabit speed! Make it so.
-
Spin: They're retreating.
Jack White: Follow them!
Spin: Our engines were damaged.
Jack White: DAMN. Mr. Spin, if we CAN'T pursue them, we can SPAM their
systems. SEND over the Paul Wight automated SPAM program.
Spin. Yes sir.
-
Viker: Sir.....they just sent a flood of emails into our system....
Warped: Damage report!
Viker: No noticeable damage. However, images of some giant wrestler is
appearing on every graphical display......
-
Spin: Captain, we'll need to repair the engines.
Jack White: DO we HAVE to? I mean, I DON'T want to have to DEAL with that
FREAK in engineering... OK fine. ENGINEERING!
Steve Jaros: About time you called me. Why the hell has my role been reduced
in part 2? I had a ton of lines in part 1.
Jack White: I WANT those engines back ONLINE now!
Steve Jaros: So you mean.
Jack White: Captain OUT!!!!!
Steve Jaros: What the hell? He cut me off. Engineering to the bridge!
Jack White: Jane, KILLFILE engineering.
Meanwhile back on the Spurs Newsgroup
SonicsAre1: Time to avenge Coz's death!
Charlie Board: A vessel is approaching.
Marcus Kwan: What kind of vessel?
Charlie Board: It appears to be from TrollFleet.
Marcus Kwan: Finally! This is our opportunity to escape from this
newsgroup!!!! No more Paul Wight pics being spammed down our throats!!
SonicsAre1: BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You stupid Spurs fans! Your team got swept
right out of the playoffs!!!!!!
Marcus Kwan: Is this the best TrollFleet has to offer? A TrollFleet Academy
dropout? Your Sonics didn't even make the playoffs!
SonicsAre1: Ouch!!!! Low blow!
Marcus Kwan: Quick, he's stunned, let's take his ship!
Marko: Wow, that was a great counter-attack! I wish I can one day handle
trolls like that!
Marcus Kwan: Take him prisoner. We'll use him as a hostage. Let's leave this
hellhole! I've seen my last Paul Wight pic!!!! Jack White, your end is near.
To be continued...