Troll Fiction

Silence is golden.

The following preview has been approved for all audiences.

Ben: All right, let's get to know one another. First off, you'll all be
using aliases. Under no circumstances are you to reveal your real name or
anything about yourself. So in case you ever get caught by the netcops,
you won't know anything. Ok, quickly... you're Mr. White, Mr. Black, Mr.
Gay, Mr Moron, Mr. Dimwit, Mr. Asshole.

Jedi: Why am I Mr. Gay?

Ben: Well, aren't you gay?

Jedi: Well yeah but.....why can't we pick our own names?

Dave Zero: Yeah, why am I Mr. Asshole? I'm only an asshole sometimes. I
can't be an asshole all the time.

Jedi: Wanna trade? I can be Mr. Asshole.

Dave Zero: No thanks!

JC: Who cares what your name is? Mr. Dimwit, Mr. Moron.... who cares?

Jedi: Oh that's easy for you to say. You got a cool name, Mr. Moron. How
about we trade? I want to be Mr. Moron!

Reservoir Trolls

Coming soon to a newsgroup near you.

And now the feature presentation.

Troll (trol) v. 1. to fish for or in with a moving line 2. to fish by
trolling

n. 1. a lure used in trolling for fish 2. Slang. a person who lives or
sleeps in a park or under a viaduct or bridge, as a bag lady or derelict

Random House Unabridged Dictionary

=

A coffee shop in the Lakers Newsgroup

Blazer Fan Dan and Laurel are having coffee.

Blazer Fan Dan: You ever wondered why there aren't more Blazer trolls? I
mean our team is full of fuckin morons, so you would expect there would be
more moron trolls.

Laurel: You mean like C the Shocker?

Dan: Yeah but why aren't there more like him? Just look at this
newsgroup. It's pathetic. It's filled with fuckin Spurs trolls, Bush trolls
but no Blazer trolls!

Laurel: Maybe because we have a lottery team.

Dan: Yeah so? Since when did that stop Chrsan?

Laurel: So what are you saying? You want to troll this group?

Dan: Yeah why not? It's not like they're expecting to be trolled
by Blazer fans. I mean our team completely sucks. I mean, what can we say?
Our team got eliminated by their team 5 out of 6 years? Our team completely
choked away Game 7 of the 2000 Finals? You see? They won't be expecting it.
Pretty smart idea, right?

Laurel: Yeah.

Dan: And they think you're a closet Lakers fan anyways.

Laurel: Yeah! So let's do it right here, right now!

Dan: Ok. But don't troll that sknight guy. He never responds to anything.

Laurel: Wes uses a different screen name when he adds editorial comment.

Dan: Ok, ready? I love you Doggy Woggy.

Laurel: I love you Dumbkin.

Dan: Alright everybody this is a trollery!

Laurel: Any of you move and my pit bull will kill every one of you
motherfuckers!

=

Cut to Dimitri's rental car.

Dimitri: You know, I just came back from Iraq... it's getting better every
day. It's fuckin paradise man. And the wine there is fine as fuck.

Jabbas: Really? That's it man, I'm fuckin going.

Dimitri: You know what they call a Big Mac in Iraq?

Jabbas: A side order?

Dimitri: That might be what you call it but they call it a Halal Mac.

Jabbas: Well that's a better name than Big Mac considering the motherfucker
ain't even big.

Dimitri: It's big enough.

Jabbas: No it ain't. It's like eating a fuckin peanut. I mean, when I was
young and I ordered my first Big Mac, I was so excited. I was expecting a
really BIG Mac. Instead I got a fuckin finger food. That's real misleading
and false advertisement.
Fuckin burger should be renamed Mini Mac.

=

Jabbas: You remember Viker?

Dimitri: Yeah, what about him?

Jabbas: Well Bryan fucked him up real good. Word around Usenet, it was
because of Bryan's wife.

Dimitri: What he do? Fuck her?

Jabbas: No nothing like that. He insulted one of her family members.

Dimitri: Well he deserved it.

Jabbas: You don't think he overreacted?

Dimitri: Well you can't be insulting her mom or whatever. That's not cool.

Jabbas: That's nothing. People throw around yo' mama jokes all the time.

Dimitri: Look, you can't be doing that. Is it as bad as eating her out? No
but it's in the same ballpark.

Jabbas: Whoa whoa whoa. Stop right there. Eating a bitch out and insulting
her mama ain't the same fuckin thing.

Dimitri: Not the same thing. The same ballpark.

Jabbas: Ain't no motherfuckin ballpark either.

Dimitri: Look, people can get heart attacks if you insult their parents.

Jabbas: I never heard that before.

Dimitri: Well it happens. And eating a bitch out could cause heart attacks
too.

Jabbas: Yeah if you fuckin do it right.

Dimitri: So what's her name?

Jabbas: Jane. Why you so interested in Bryan's wife?

Dimitri: Well Bryan's going on a trip and he wants me to take care of her.

Jabbas: Take care of her?

Dimitri: You know, take her out, keep her from being bored.

Jabbas: You're taking her out on a date?

Dimitri: It's not a date. It's like taking your buddy's wife to Iraq or
something.

Jabbas: Yeah sure it is.

Dimitri: It's not a date. I'm not into women who are old enough to be my
great grandmother.

Jabbas: You gonna bring some wine on the date?

Dimitri: Um..well...uh.... yeah.

Jabbas: LOL. Alright let's get into character. Let's do this.

=

Jabbas and Dimitri walk into the room. JC, Sports Fan, and Ironside are
caught off guard.

Jabbas: How you boys doing? You know who we are?

Sports Fan: No.

Jabbas: We're associates of your business partner Bryan. You remember Bryan,
right?

Sports Fan: Yeah.

Jabbas: Looks like we caught you at breakfast. What'cha eating?

Ironside: Hamburgers.

Jabbas: Mmmmmmm... mind if I have a bite?

Ironside: Go ahead.

Jabbas. Mmmmmmmm..... yummy!

Ironside: Um... you said a bite not the whole thing!

Jabbas: I did only take one bite. You know why we're here?

Ironside: Um... to recover all the messages Bozak wrote about you?

Jabbas: Yeah that's right. I don't want any more co-workers digging up my
messages. Oh and there's also that little virus you sent Bryan.

Ironside: I just want you know how sorry I am!  I didn't mean to send Bryan
a virus or call him a coward!

Jabbas suddenly gobbles up Sports Fan.

Jabbas: Yummy!

Ironside: You don't scare me! My band director was scarier!

Jabbas: You ever read the Chef's bible?

Ironside: Matter of fact, yes.

Jabbas: There's a passage I have memorized. "The path of the hungry man is
beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of
greedy men.
Blessed is he who, in the name of lunch and dinner, shepherds the cows and
pigs through the kitchen of darkness, for he is truly his brother's cook and
the finder of good grub. And I will munch down upon thee with great hunger
and ferocious appetite those who attempt to poison and destroy my cooks.
And you will know my name is Jabba when I lay you upon my dinner plate."

Ironside: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Jabbas: I WIN!

JC: Damn, that was fucked up.

Jabbas: Dimitri, this is JC.

Suddenly the bathroom door opens and Chrsan jumps out, shotgun in hand.

Chrsan: DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!...... Damn, how do I use this thing?.... Uh oh.

Jabbas: Mmm... more food for me!

Chrsan: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Jabbas: We should be dead right now. Did you see the size of that shotgun?
It was bigger than him.

Dimitri: Yeah, we were lucky.

Jabbas: That wasn't luck. That was moderator's intervention. You know what
moderator's intervention is?

Dimitri: Yeah I think so. It means the moderator deleted the post where we
got shot.

Jabbas: Yeah that's exactly what it means.

Dimitri: Or maybe all that blubber of yours protected you from those
bullets.

Jabbas: Don't blow this off. We just witnessed a fuckin miracle.

Dimitri: This shit happens. Ever been to Lakersground.net? Moderators
intervene all the time.

Jabbas: The Lakers newsgroup isn't even moderated. Yet some moderator came
out of nowhere man! We just witnessed a miracle and I want you to
fuckin acknowledge it!

Dimitri: Ok fine, it was a miracle. Can we leave now?

=

Jabbas: That's it for me. For now on, you can consider my ass retired. I'm
through eating people.

Dimitri: JC, what you think of this?

JC: I don't even have an opinion.

Dimitri: Come on. You think some moderator came down and saved us?

BANG!

Jabbas: What the fuck happened.

Dimitri: Shit! I just shot JC!

Jabbas: Why the fuck you do that for?

Dimitri: It was an accident! I didn't mean to shoot the son of a bitch! But
look, I think he's getting better!

Jabbas: Looks like he's dying to me.

Dimitri: Trust me, he doesn't look any worse than some of the soldiers do in
Iraq!

Jabbas: This is fucked up!

Dimitri: Maybe I should put him out of his misery.

Jabbas: You want to shoot him again?

Dimitri: It would be the right thing to do.

Jabbas: JC, I want to apologize. I got nothing to with this shit!

BANG!

Jabbas: Shit! You just splattered his brains all over!

Dimitri: Well I didn't know it was going to splatter all over. I didn't even
know JC had a brain.

Jabbas: Shit look at this mess! We better get this car off the road. The
netcops tend to notice when you're driving around with blood all over.

Dimitri: You know anywhere we can take it?

Jabbas: I know just the place.

Cut to Bennie's Kitchen.

Jabbas: Goddamn Benny! This is some serious gourmet shit! What flavor is
this?

Benny: Knock it off. I don't need you to tell me how good my coffee is.
Right now, what's on my mind isn't the coffee in my kitchen, it's the dead
moron in my garage.

Jabbas: Benny...

Benny: I'm talking. Let me ask you a question, Jabbas. When you drove in
here, did you notice a sign outside my garage that said "Dead moron
storage?"

Jabbas: No I didn't.

Benny: And you know why you didn't see that sign? Because storing dead
morons isn't my fuckin business! Do you understand if my wife comes home
and finds a dead moron in the house, there'll be no more nipple thrusting?

Jabbas: Benny...

Benny: Don't fuckin Benny me. My wife's coming home in half an hour. Go make
your phone calls and get the fuck out of my house.

=

Jabbas: You got to appreciate what an explosive situation this is. If she
comes home and finds a bunch of trollsters doing trollster shit in her
kitchen, ain't no telling what she'll do.

Bryan: You ain't got no problem, Jabbas. I'm on the motherfucker. Go back in
there, chill them trolls out and wait for the Jedi, who should be coming
soon.

Jabbas: You sending the Jedi?

Bryan: Feel better?

Jabbas: Shit Golden Bear, that's all you had to say.

=

Jedi: I understand your wife comes home in about 40 minutes. Which leaves us
plenty of time to get rid of the body. Now you got a moron in the garage
minus a brain. Is there anything I need to know about the car? Does it
stall? Does it make alot of noise?

Dimitri: As far as I know, the motherfucker works fine.

Jedi: You sure?

Dimitri: It's a rental, how the fuck would I know?

Jabbas: How we getting rid of the body anyways?

Jedi: I'm selling it on Ebay.

Jabbas: But that'll take too long.

Jedi: Fine we can always dump it into my shark tank.

Jabbas: What? You're letting your sharks eat it? Fuck, I could've just eaten
the motherfucker myself.

Dimitri: You know. I could go for some breakfast. Want to have breakfast
with me?

Jabbas: Fuck yeah! I'm hungry!

=

Cut to Coffee Shop

Jabbas: A breakfast special with ham and eggs costs 10 bucks? It only cost 5
bucks last year. This place is getting more and more expensive.

Dimitri: You got it wrong. It's no more expensive than it was last year.

Jabbas: Are you fuckin blind? You see the price?

Dimitri: Look man, the food tastes twice as good. So you get what you pay
for. You don't expect to pay the same price for something that tastes twice
as good, do you?

Jabbas: The shit tastes the same to me so why am I paying double?

Dimitri: Anyways, so are you really quitting?

Jabbas: Most definitely. I'm through eating people. I'm going on a diet.

Dimitri: So what are you going do?

Jabbas: I'm going to follow the path of SuperDexter Fisher.

Dimitri: What?

Jabbas: You know how SuperDexter said he wanted to get away from Shaq and
Kobe so he could reach his full potential? That's what I want to do.

Dimitri: So you decided to be a bum.

Jabbas: Hey SuperDexter ain't no fuckin bum!

Dimitri: The guy's a bum! He can't do anything right!

Jabbas: You better watch what you say motherfucker. SuperDexter is the best
motherfuckin flopper there is. Name a better flopper.

Dimitri: Vlade.

Jabbas: Vlade's good but he ain't no Super Motherfuckin Dexter.

Dimitri: Look, I gotta take a shit. To be continued.

=

Dan: Alright everybody this is a trollery!

Laurel: Any of you move and my pit bull will kill every one of you
motherfuckers!

Dave Zero: I'm the manager here. Please don't hurt anyone!

Dan: You going to give us any problems?

Dave Zero: Um, could you send me an email so we can discuss this in private?

Dan: I don't know, Doggy Woggy. He looks like the hero type to me.

Laurel: Don't take no chances. Shoot him!

Dave Zero: No don't! I'm not a hero. Just take anything you want.

Dan: Tell everyone to cooperate and it'll be over.

Dave Zero: Everybody just cooperate with them and it'll be over soon!

Dan: Ok people, I'm going to troll your ass! Now you guys better take the
bait and respond or I'm going to start killing every one of you
motherfuckers!

Laurel: Troll' em now Dumbkin!

Dan: Ok here goes. Ready? Ok... ok.. um... Lakers suck, Blazers rule! You
like that Doggy Woggy?

Laurel: That was great Dumbkin!

Dan: I'm not done! Um..... we traded down in the draft and still had a
higher draft pick than you!

Laurel: That was the best troll ever!

Dan: Ok, I'm going to walk around and collect all your responses. Put your
response into the bag! And while you're at it, dump your wallets in as well!

Dan points to Jabbas' briefcase.

Dan: What's in there?

Jabbas: A bunch of posts saying I'm a racist.

Dan: Yeah right. Open it up.

Jabbas: I'm afraid I can't do that.

Dan: I didn't hear you.

Jabbas: Yes you did, motherfucker.

Laurel: What's going on?

Dan: Looks like we got a vigilante on our hands here, Doggy Woggy.

Laurel: Shoot him now!

Dave Zero: Stop causing problems or you'll get us all killed! Just give em'
what they want!

Jabbas: Shut the fuck up asshole! This ain't none of your goddamn business.

Dan: I'm going to count to three. If you don't open that case, I'm going to
blow your fuckin face off. One... two...

Jabbas: Alright Walton... you win.

Dan: Open it up.

Jabbas opens the case.

Laurel: What's in it?

Dan: Damn, Jabba is a fuckin racist!

Jabbas quickly grabs Dan's head and places it in his mouth.

Laurel: Let him go! Let him go! Or I'll blow your fuckin head off!

Jabbas: Tell that bitch to be cool! Say bitch be cool!

Dan: Be cool Doggy Woggy.

Jabbas: Tell that bitch it's going to be ok.

Dan: It's going to be ok, Doggy Woggy.

Jabbas: What's her name?

Dan: Laurel.

Jabbas: So we cool, Laurel? We ain't going to do anything stupid, are we?

Laurel: Don't you hurt him! Or I'll kill you!

Jabbas: Now Laurel, I thought you were going to be cool. Now when you yell
at me, it makes me nervous. And when I get nervous, I get hungry. When I get
hungry, that's when motherfuckers accidentally get eaten. Now you don't want
me to eat Walton here, do you? Walton definitely don't want that. And I
don't want that... no wait... I do want that.

Dimitri: What the fuck is going on?

Jabbas: It's cool Dimitri! It's cool. Don't do a goddamn thing!

Dimitri: Fine.

Jabbas: Walton tell that bitch we're still cool.

Dan: It's cool Doggy Woggy. We're still cool.

Jabbas: Now I want you to go into the bag and grab my wallet.

Dan: Which one is it?

Jabbas: It's the one that says Fat Motherfucker on it.

Dan: Here.

Jabbas: Open it up. Count how much cash is in there.

Dan: There's only a few bucks in there.

Jabbas: Well the Santa Monica Mirror doesn't pay me much. But go ahead and
put it in your pocket. It's yours. Now with the rest of the wallets and with
all the responses you got, that makes this a pretty successful troll.

Dimitri: If you give him your money, I'm going to shoot him and take it from
him.

Jabbas: Nobody is going to shoot anyone. Now just shut the fuck up. Besides,
I ain't giving it to him. I'm buying something. Wanna know what I'm buying,
Walton?

Dan: What?

Jabbas: Your life. I'm giving you that money so I don't have to eat your
ass. Now normally I would've eaten both your asses but I'm trying to follow
the path of SuperDexter Fisher. You like dogs, Walton? 

Dan: Um no.

Laurel: What? Even my ex-husband took part in the iditarod!

Dan: I can explain, Doggy Woggy!

Laurel: That's it! I'm leaving!

Dan: No wait! Doggy Woggy, don't go!

Jabbas: Looks like you got a problem on your hands. Now get the fuck out of
here before I get even more hungrier than I currently am.

Dan: Thanks! Doggy Woggy come back!

Dimitri: I think we should be leaving now.

Jabbas: That's probably a good idea. Is there another restaurant we can go
to?

FADE OUT