The PedoSeX-Files

Janet Scully: So what's the case?

Fox Jedi: Apparently someone was attacked at Usenet beach.

Janet Scully: Shark attack?

Fox Jedi: Maybe but I suspect there's something more to it.

Ben: Ah... Agents Janet and Jedi.

Jedi: Assistant Director Ben! I knew it was you!

Ben: What are you talking about?

Jedi: This assignment is just an excuse to get close to me! Admit it! Why
else would you invite me over to your house? Not only that but you demanded
that I stay over! Not to mention offer to pick me up at the airport and take
me out to a couple of Lakers games!

Ben: Sorry but I think you're suffering from MSU.

Jedi: So where's the victim at?

Ben: Over there.

Jedi: Wow! What a hunk!

Jason: Someone stop the bleeding! [g]

Jedi: Hey there big boy. I'm from the Usenet Bureau of Investigations. Let
me take a look!

Jason: Get away from me bitch! [g]

Jedi: How long are you going to play hard to get? So what happened?

Jason: I was just surfing the web, minding my own business when something
attacked me! [g]

Janet: Sweetie, it was probably a shark. Chris, this is a waste of our time.
This isn't an X-File. It's just another shark attack.

Jedi: I don't think so. Sharks don't attack humans. Besides, take a look at
where he was biten.

Jason: Don't touch me! [g]

Jedi: Relax handsome. He was biten in the genital area. Obviously it's some
gay alien vampire shark from outer space.

Janet: Um, Chris, there isn't any such thing as vampire sharks.

Jedi: There is! It's a conspiracy by the Asbnll government to conceal the
truth from it's citizens! That SBN Smoking Man Bozak must be involved! I
would bet anything over it!

Janet: Sorry but Jane doesn't gamble.

Ben: I wouldn't bet against him anways. He still wants me to pay him over a
bet without evidence to back it up.

Steven: Sorry I'm late. I had to drive through a snow storm to get here. Let
me take a look.

Jedi: Who's this?

Ben: Allow me to introduce Agent Carter. He'll be assisting you.

Jedi: What? I don't need someone jumping on my bandwagon!

Ben: If you had been doing your job correctly instead of constantly stalking
me, I wouldn't need to send someone else to assist you.

Jedi: You sure he's qualified to work on the X-Files?

Ben: According to him, he wrote the papers on it.

Steven: A smart person talks ideas. A dumb person talks about other people.

Jedi: Is that why you talk about God all the time?

Steven: God is not a person.

Jedi: So he's an idea?

Steven: I'm not answering any of your questions because I have no respect
for you.

Jedi: Ok whatever. So what's your analysis?

Steven: Hmm.... sorry but this was no normal shark attack.

Jedi: See Jane? Even an imbecile like Steven agrees with me.

Janet: I'd rather have him agree with you than me, sweetie.

Jedi: Oh yeah? I rather be able to use Deja unlike both you and Steven.

Janet: Sweetie, is that why you couldn't find Laurel's free news server
through Deja?

Jedi: Er uh.... is that Rick Fox I see over there?

Steven: Hmmm, I don't think this was a gay vampire shark attack either.

Ben: So what's your theory?

Jedi: Oh this should be good.

Steven: I believe he was being punished by God for not believing in Him.

Jedi: Wow. How kind of God.

Steven: It is. I mean, God left the penis intact and not completely severed
to show how merciful He can be.

Jedi: Get this freak off my case! My theory of gay alien vampire sharks from
outer space is far more plausible!

Agent Dimitri: Sir! We've just had another attack!

Ben: Where?

Dimitri: He's over there.

Jason: Thank God! Now you guys can focus on someone else's reproductive
organ! [g]

Ben: Tell us what happened.

Ironside: Well I was just coaching my little league team when suddenly I was
distracted.

Jedi: By what?

Ironside: I saw a porno pic drowning in the waters.

Ben: You abandoned your team for a porno pic?

Ironside: Hey, I couldn't let a perfectly good porno pic go to waste so I
dove in trying to save it!

Jedi: No wonder kids come up and say hi to you all the time!

Ironside: I wouldn't leave my kids alone with you!

Jedi: I'm only attracted to real men anyways.

Dimitri: Who cares about children anyways? Molest them, kill them. It's no
different than killing your pets.

Ironside: Freak! On second thought, I'd rather leave my kids alone with Jedi
than Dimitri!

Jedi: So after you dove in, that's when you were attacked?

Ironside: Yeah.

Janet: But I don't see any bite marks, sweetie.

Steven: His faith in God has saved him from any physical harm. Just goes to
show you how powerful faith can be.

Jedi: Yeah, I guess God was rewarding him for driving within the speed limit
in residential areas.

Ironside: Fuck you! I was an alter boy from 5th to 10th grade! I've been
faithful to my wife for my entire life. I've never infected anyone with STD.
And I never...

Jedi: Calm down. You don't have to divulge your entire life story.

Steven: That's very impressive. I myself have never been arrested for DUI, I
stay away from cigerette smoke, I often have discussions on how to make
myself a better person, I don't kill or steal, I help the needy, I'm
unselfish, I treat others fairly, I'm kind to my neighbors, I respect my
elders.....

Dimitri: zzzzzzzzzzzz

Steven: I come to a complete stop and look both ways at stop signs, I
recycle aluminum cans, I don't step on ants, I....

Jedi: Uh ok, whatever. I'm sure that's all very interesting but back to the
investigation. So you were attacked?

Ironside: Yeah but it didn't bite me. It started caressing my.... I'm sorry.
I don't want to talk about it.

Janet: Now now sweetie. Aunt Jane is here. Everything is going to be
alright.

Ironside: Oh Jane, I never felt so violated! I need a hug!

Jedi: Did it feel good?

Janet: Chris, don't be so insensitive! Obviously Ironside has experienced a
traumatic event.

Steven: He was just asking a question. Being a virgin, I'd like to know the
answer to his question as well.

Jedi: Right. I was just asking, you old hag. I mean, Ironside should feel
lucky. I wish I could have experienced what he felt!

Ben: Weren't you the one complaining about stuff like this being in poor
taste?

Jedi: Hey, that only applied to children. Ironside's a big boy now....
literally.

Janet: Iron, don't mind Jedi. He's just being annoying.

Ironside: Gee thanks Jane. You remind me so much of my sister.

Janet: What happened to her?

Ironside: I think she was abducted by aliens.

Jedi: So did you get a good look at whatever attacked you?

Ironside: No it was in the waters below me.

Ben: Dimitri. Have our men search the area.

Dimitri: .......

Ben: Dimitri!

Dimitri: Huh? Sorry. What did you want me to search for again?

Ben: Weren't you supposed to be taking notes?

Dimitri: Well yeah but I got tired after 2 sentences. This investigation is
taking too damn long.

Ben: We just barely started.

Jason: HELP!!!!! [g]

Ben: What's wrong?

Jason: Well other than needing a new sig, I'm being attacked! HELP!!!!! [g]

Jedi: I was right! It's a gay alien vampire shark from outer space!

Fig Jam: Stand back or Jason loses his manhood forever!

Steven: Don't worry, I will pray for you Jason.

Jedi: Calm down. I'll give myself up to you if you release big sexy over
there.

Fig Jam: Hell no! You're just jealous that I've already had a taste of his
flesh!

Jedi: Well maybe but think about it. Imagine having sex with yourself!
Wouldn't that be far more exciting?

Fig Jam: Hmm.... you're right! Get lost Jason. I found myself a new
lover.... myself!

Jedi: Yeah! I always wanted to have sex with a gay alien vampire shark from
outer space!

Jason: Cloning should be banned to prevent scenes like this from ever
happening. [g]

Jedi: I do believe he's getting jealous!

Fig Jam: Double the Jedi, double the fun!

Jason: This is worse than the Jedi/Spin sex scene! End this nightmare
now!!!!! [g]