NetPhone Booth

Starring Dave Zero and Charles Beauchamp.

Guest starring Sports Fan, Johnny, Chainsaw, Lallia, Laurel, JC, and Jedi.

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Sports Fan: I have Johnny on the line.

Dave Zero: Hello? Johnny?

Johnny: You wanted to talk to me?

Dave Zero: I just wanted to apologize. If you thought I betrayed you by...

Johnny: Bye.

Dave Zero: What?! He hung up on me! Call him back!

Sports Fan: I think he blocked your number.

Dave Zero: Damn! Oh well. Why don't you take the rest of the day off? Oh and
could you let the Lakers and Cowboys group know that I'm ok? My internet
connection is down so let them know I'm not ignoring any of their emails!
This is really important! Don't forget!

Sports Fan: Ok. Where are you going?

Dave Zero: I have to make a call.

Chainsaw: Hi. Would you like to make a donation to the Katrina relief
efforts?

Dave Zero: Can't you see I'm trying to use the phone here?

Chainsaw: Don't you care about the people that have lost their homes?

Dave Zero: Here's 20 bucks. Now get lost.

Chainsaw: Damn cheapskate! I donated 200 bucks to the Red Cross.

Dave Zero: Ok fine here's 10 more. Beat it before I crush you with my
massive muscles you little girly man!

Chainsaw: Asshole!

Dave Zero: Yeah whatever.

Ring. Ring.

Lallia: Hello?

Dave Zero: Hey Lallia. It's me.

Lallia: Hi!

Dave Zero: So we still going to the game tonight?

Lallia: I wouldn't miss it for the world!

Dave Zero: Just you and me, right? No Michael? Afterall, it is my birthday.

Lallia:  Of course!

Dave Zero: So you picking me up right? Since my license is still suspended.

Lallia: I'll be there. I have to go now. Smooches.

Dave Zero: Smooches.

Ring. Ring.

Dave Zero: Hello?

Beauchamp: Isn't it funny when a troll is posted, it has to be responded to?

Dave Zero: What? Who is this?

Beauchamp: Dood, you disappointed me. Only 10 bucks donated?

Dave Zero: Hey it was 30 bucks!

Beauchamp: Now Dave. Don't lie to me.

Dave Zero: Ok fine. It was 10. The other 20 I owed to Charlie Board so that
was actually his donation. So what? How much did YOU donate? All I see are
people bitching about the politics surrounding the disaster. I wonder how
many are actually helping.

Beauchamp: I'm pledging $100. I'm challenging you to do the same if you
think you're better than me, you cheapskate!

Dave Zero: You should know the facts before you open your mouth. I was
robbed last week and lost most of what I had. And I'm still looking for a
job. How you like that?

Beauchamp: Don't be a wussy. I dare you to donate more than me. Dood, you
wouldn't hesitate to donate more for Kobe's legal fees.

Dave Zero: This has to be a joke, right? Who put you up to this? Am I on
candid camera or something?

Beauchamp: Dood, you'd donate more to have sex with Kobe, you prevert!

Dave Zero: That's it. This phone call is over.

Beauchamp: If you hang up the phone, I will kill you.

Dave Zero: Alright, alright! Look, could you wait until I can't bench-press
225 to kill me? What do you want with me anyway?

Beauchamp: You've been acting like an asshole, haven't you?

Dave Zero: Who is this? Are you someone I kicked off of Project Mayhem? Did
I kick your ass in a body building contest? Just so you know, I have friends
that can track you down.

Beauchamp: Oooh, I'm scared!

Dave Zero: That's it! I'm calling up Sports Fan.

Beauchamp: Oh no! Not Sprot Fan!

Sports Fan: Hello?

Dave Zero: Hey Sports Fan, can this track this guy's IP address?

Sports Fan: No problem. You know I'd do anything for you.

Dave Zero: Yeah I know. ;)

Beauchamp: You like Sprot Fan, don't you? Does your wife know about him?

Dave Zero: I'm single.

Beauchamp: Sure you are.

Sports Fan: Ok, I got it! It's some guy named Charles Beauchamp.

Dave Zero: Who the hell is Charles Beauchamp? For someone I've never even
heard of, this dude sure has been talking a lot of shit to me. Who the hell
is this guy?

Beauchamp: Dood, I am Captain Obvious.

Dave Zero: Look, you're free to talk shit to me. But I just want to know who
I'm talking to!

Beauchamp: I like women unlike you.

Dave Zero: Why are you always going to the gay card? I mean, men can have
respect and share friendship with other men without any sexual aspect
involved.

Beauchamp: Eww, you prevert!

Dave Zero: That's it! I'm calling the NetCops!

Beauchamp: Don't do it or I'll kill you.

Dave Zero: Look man! What do you want? Name it.

Beauchamp: Why don't you call up the number you first dialed in that booth.

Dave Zero: What?

Beauchamp: Here, I'll do it for you.

Dave Zero: No wait, don't!

Beauchamp: Too late. I'll put you on speaker so you can hear.

Lallia: Hello?

Beauchamp: Why hello, Lallia. Are you hawt?

Lallia: Who is this?

Beauchamp: A friend of Dave.

Lallia: You know Dave?

Beauchamp: I know he's a prevert.

Dave Zero: Lallia, hang up the phone!

Beauchamp: She can't hear you, Dave.

Lallia: Who is this?

Beauchamp: You know Dave thinks of Kobe, when he's with you?

Lallia: Actually, I know already. :-)

Beauchamp: Eww! Do you two watch pron together?

Lallia: None of your business!

Beauchamp: You watch games together so why not pron? You know he's married,
right?

Lallia: What? He told me he wasn't married!

Beauchamp: Oh he's married. Her name is Laurel. I've never met her before
but I heard she's hawt. So did you and Dave hit it yet?

Lallia: Idiot! Why would Dave want to hit this? There's a 16 year age
difference between us! We're just friends!

Beauchamp: Sure you are.

Lallia: That's it! I'm hanging up!

Beauchamp: What? No smooches for me?

Dave Zero: You asshole!

JC: Hey get off the phone.

Dave Zero: Shut the fuck up! Can't you see I'm using it?

JC: I need to use it! It's important!

Dave Zero: Yeah, I'm sure it is.

JC: Look, I need to make a call. I need to find out if Bozak came back from
Atlanta yet.

Dave Zero: Get lost!

Beauchamp: Need any help?

Dave Zero: No!

Beauchamp: Now how about we call your wife up now?

Dave Zero: What for?

Beauchamp: Tell her you've been cheating on her.

Dave Zero: I haven't cheated on her! Never have!

Beauchamp: What about all the times you've been with Lallia?

Dave Zero: We're just friends! We just go to the games together!

Beauchamp: Ok, I believe you. Afterall, you are gay.

Dave Zero: There you go to the homo card again!

Beauchamp: What about all the times you've lifted weights with Kobe?

Dave Zero: What? We're just friends! Nothing happened!

Beauchamp: But you thought about it when you were in the showers with him,
right?

Dave Zero: Look, it's like Rodman says, every guy thinks about it.

Beauchamp: You prevert!

Dave Zero: Look, let me give you my number. We can talk about this. I'll
give you what you want.

Beauchamp: I just want you to tell your wife the truth, how you're spending
all this time with other women..... and men. Now are you going to call her,
or do I have to?

Dave Zero: No don't! Ok, I'll call her!

Ring. Ring.

Beauchamp: Put it close to the speaker so I can hear.

Laurel: Hello?

Dave Zero: It's me.

Laurel: Dave, where are you?

Dave Zero: In a phone booth.

Beauchamp: Ask her if she's hawt.

Dave Zero: Um... are you hawt?

Laurel: What?

Beauchamp: Tell her you want to sleep with other men.

Dave Zero: Look, honey, there's this guy who's been talking shit about me.
If he calls you, don't believe anything he says!

Laurel: Are you alright? Is there anything wrong?

Dave Zero: Yeah, I have to go. Bye.

Beauchamp: You didn't tell her the truth.

Dave Zero: Look, leave her alone! She never did any harm to you!

Beauchamp: Not true. Your commie wife is what is wrong with America.

Dave Zero: Look, what do I have to do for you to let me go?

Beauchamp: Stop acting like an asshole. Stop getting busted for marijuana
and stop carrying concealed firearms.

Dave Zero: Ok, done!

Beauchamp: I'll be watching you.

Dave Zero: Ok, I promise to behave.

Beauchamp: Are you hawt?

Dave Zero: What?

Beauchamp: Are you hawt?

Dave Zero: Take a look for yourself. http://www.tetrica.org/crew/dave.jpg

Beauchamp: Wow! You're hawt!

Dave Zero: That was from the NPC San Diego.

Beauchamp: Dood, would you like to watch pron with me?

Dave Zero: Um, yeah, if I have to.

Beauchamp: Would you leave Lallia to be with me?

Dave Zero: Um, yeah, I guess so.

Beauchamp: Would you leave Laurel for me?

Dave Zero: Yeah.

Beauchamp: Would you leave Sprot Fan for me?

Dave Zero: Yeah.

Beauchamp: Would you leave Kobe for me?

Dave Zero: Um... I don't know about that.

Beauchamp: I knew it! I guess I just can't compete with all the times you've
wiped his jizz from your mouth.

Dave Zero: Yeah whatever. Why don't you keep that pic of me? You can spend
your time jacking off over it.

Beauchamp: Thanks!

Dave Zero: Have fun. And goodbye.

Jedi: Hey Dave!

Dave Zero: Huh?

Jedi: Can I borrow your pic?