Laker NG News Report

(Bozak also contributed to this)

Branden: We go to Australia live for some breaking news. Our own Ben Johnson
is reporting live from Australia.

Ben: Yes apparently, international bandwagoner Jedi Boy has announced plans
to hunt down and eliminate every crocodile in the world after a crocodile
developed a taste for his blood. Oh, here he comes now! Jedi, Jedi! Can you
answer a few questions?

Jedi: Sure.

Ben: Jedi, why did that crocodile attack you?

Jedi: I have no idea. I think it was this ugly blue dress I had on. I'm far
better looking in pink. Nobody really knows why crocodiles attack people. But
now that it's developed a taste for my blood, it has be killed. It's a
menace to society!

Ben: But why are you trying to kill every crocodile?

Jedi: No doubt, the crocodile will inform all his crocodile buddies that
human flesh is tasty. That makes all crocodiles a threat! Besides, winter is
coming and they will make excellent looking high heels. By the way, Ben
are you here to pay up?

Ben: When you offer proof first. You know, you don't look anything like the 
photos on your website.

Jedi: Well, I haven't been hitting the weight room recently. By the way, you
look much cuter in person. Your pics on the net don't do you justice.

Ben: Gulp. Back to you Branden. Shut the cameras down. Let's get the hell
out of here!

Jedi: Fortunately your flight has been delayed.

Ben: I'll swim if I have to!

Branden: Thanks for the report Ben. In other news, Jane's great great great
grandmother has risen from the dead after someone responded to a message of
hers without attacking her. And now we turn to our movie reviewer Spinhead.

Spinhead: Thank you Branden. I must say, Planet of the Apes is the greatest
movie of all-time. I mean, that 5 minutes I caught on Real Audio simply blew
me away. It's a must see movie! Meanwhile, we have a preview of another
blockbuster coming up, called Benedict Jedi. It's a Laker NG exclusive.

Benedict Jedi: Forget this. No way are we going to beat the British! I'm
switching sides. All hail King George!

As the war changes tides again.

Benedict Jedi: Uh oh. I don't suppose I can switch sides again? Forget this,
I'm going to Australia!

Spinhead: Wow! I can't wait till this movie comes out! And now we turn to
Jack White who has an exclusive interview with Jackie Chan and his upcoming
movie Rush Hour 2!

Jack White: And we're here now with Jackie Chan. Jackie, how HIGH is your
vertical leap?

Jackie: I'm not sure. I never measured it.

Jack White: I mean, I've seen you jump over those 12 foot walls in many of
your movies! You make it look SO easy! You must have a LOW body fat
percentage! Who would win in a fight between you and Bruce Lee?

Spinhead: Uh ok, Jack, that's enough. Back to you Branden.

Branden: Thanks Roy. Sounds exciting. In other news, Chrsan is still an
idiot.