The Iowa Bitch Project
In January of 2002, three ASBNLL posters disappeared in the woods near Iowa,
while shooting a documentary called "The Iowa Bitch Project".
One year later their footage was found.
--
Jedi: This is Ben's home. Of course Ben invited me over but for some reason,
he's playing hard to get. Anyways we're leaving this weekend to expore the
"Iowa Bitch". I always wanted to meet another bitch. But before I leave, I
need to put more grease on my bod. By the way, where is Bozak?
Ben: He doesn't want to be in the same car as you so you'll have to follow
his car.
Jedi: Figures.
--
Cut to scene inside Roscoes.
Ben: Bozak there's a note here for you. It's from Al. It says, "I was here
yesterday! I knew you wouldn't show up!"
Bozak: lol....it would be nice if he actually told me the date and time....
Jedi: So have you ever heard of the Iowa Bitch?
Laurel: Well yes. I hear she doesn't know how to attribute using AOL. And
not particularly fond of dogs or dog lovers. If you ever meet her, don't give
her any advice. She doesn't take it very well.
Jared: I hear she is the worst Iowa Bitch since 79!
Jedi: What about you?
Branden: I don't know anything about her. She's in my killfile.
--
Jedi: Have you heard of the Iowa Bitch?
Bryan: It's a very old story. I don't know whether it's true or not but
I hear she's quite condescending.
Jedi: Really? I like her already!
Ridn: The story says that she would often invite people over to her house.
Of course they never leave.
Bryan: She has many lives. Supposedly she has faked her own death on a
number of occasions.
Ben: Spooky.
--
Jedi: Ever heard of the Iowa Bitch?
Jack: Yeah, legend has it that her vertical leap is SO great that she can
grab a dime off the backboard! It's like she can TOTALLY fly! If you go into
the woods, you better grab Paul Wight as your bodyguard!
Jedi: What about you?
Basketor: I see her.
Bozak: she's here now? where?
Basketor: No I mean I see her.
Bozak: what?
Jack: I think he means he saw her.
Basketor: Yes. I see her so I take a shoot at her but keep miss. Very
exasperate.
Jedi: Jack can you translate?
Jack: I have NO IDEA what he's talking about!
--
Ben: So what do you know of the Iowa Bitch?
Jason: Um, absolutely nothing. I don't even know why I'm here in this
parody. What are my lines? [g]
Jedi: You're here because I requested it. I wanted you on camera. Now flex
for me big boy!
Jason: Uh, s_knight, could you give this cameo to someone else please? [g]
Laurance: Well I heard of the Iowa Bitch. I heard her brother was molested by
a band director.
Jedi: Fishboy, don't speak unless you have another fish story to tell.
--
Cut to scene in the middle of the woods
Bozak: we're lost....
Ben: So now what? Which way?
Jedi: One of you guys lead, I'll just follow you around!
Ben: Maybe we should stay here for the night.
Jedi: Well I only have one tent. Ben since you invited me over to your
house, I now invite you into my tent!
Ben: Um, I think I'll sleep outside.
Bozak: um... me too!
Jedi: Damn!
--
The next morning.
Ben: Did you hear noises last night?
Bozak: must have been jerky jerking off.....
Jedi: Yeah that was me but I was injecting myself with heroin. Sorry about
the noise.
Ben: It can't be that noisy injecting yourself in the arm.
Jedi: That's not where I injected myself.
Ben: Um... I better not ask.
--
Ben: We're still lost.
Jedi: Damn it's hot! I have to take my sweater off. Would you shut that
webcam off! Stop pointing it at me!
Ben: Why?
Jedi: Turn it off! I don't want anyone to know my pics are really fake!
Bozak: let's just cross that stream....
Ben: There aren't any sharks here, are there?
Jedi: There's that irrational fear again! Watch me! I'll go first.
Suddenly a fish swims by.
Jedi: Oh my God! What is that? I want my mommy!
Ben: It's just a trout!
Jedi: I knew that!
--
Scene cuts to tent.
Jedi: So, you guys want some heroin?
Ben: No thanks.
Jedi: Shit! What's that noise?
Ben: Deer?
Jedi: They don't attack humans, do they?
Ben: It's getting louder.
Bozak: shit... someone is shaking the tent!
Ben: Go! Go! Let's get out of here!
Jedi: Wait! Wait for me!
Later...
Ben: What the hell was that?
Bozak: could be the deadman wants to take me up on my offer to replace the
anti-guard...
Ben: I don't hear anything anymore. Let's go back.
Bozak: shit... why is there slime all over my stuff?
Ben: That's not slime. It looks like grease from Rick Fox's hair!
Bozak: why is it only on my stuff? don't tell me cycleless is still holding
a grudge.....
--
The next morning.
Jedi: Bozak! Bozak! Fuck! Where is he?
Ben: Calm down.
Jedi: BOOOOOOOZAAAAKKK!!!!!! BOOOOZZZZAAAAAKKK!!! Why won't he reply to me?
I used 3 K's.
Ben: Probably because he killfiled you.
Jedi: DAMN IT! I have to get him to respond to my posts! Ben, quick! Respond
to my posts so that he'll read me!
Ben: It won't work. He usually ignores all of our lengthy threads anyways.
Jedi: I know! I'll just change my name! From this parody on, I will be known
as Marsha!
Later that night.
Marsha looking into the webcam.
Marsha: I just want to apologize to everyone in case we don't make it out of
here. I want to apologize to Ben's wife. I'm sorry that I never paid him on
the bet that I lost. I want to apologize to Bozak's wife. I never meant to
be a homewrecker. I'm sorry for following your hushand around. I know I can
be a scandalous ho sometimes. But he mindfucked me so good that I had to have
more!
Ben: I hear his voice!
Marsha: It can't be him!
Ben: Holy shit! It's a house. Let's check it out.
Marsha: There's Rick Fox posters everywhere!
Sound of Bozak's voice.
Marsha: Bozak! I'm coming!
Ben: Um, please don't do it here.
Marsha: I'm sorry but he turns me on!
Ben: I hear him downstairs!
Marsha: Wait for me!
Ben descends into the basement when suddenly he drops the camera.
Ben: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Marsha: Ben!? Ben?! What's going on?
Marsha finally reaches the basement.
Marsha: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!
Jane: What's wrong sweetie? Never seen a woman naked before?
Marsha: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I'M BLINDED!!!!!!!!!!