Starring Ironside as Iron Sidewalker Spinhead as Spin Solo Cyclonejane as Princess Janet Marshall J/Jedi Boy as Darth Jedi Al Wilson as Albacca Steven Carter as C3Steve0 Jack White as Jack2D2 Bozak as the Emperor Branden as Brando Wolnerissian George as Minny-Yoda Ben as Mithra-Wan Kenobi JC as JC Fett Bryan as Grand Moff Bryan Guest starring Chris, Warped, Viker, Igor, Greg, Jared, Charlie, Rob, X-Man, Bullyo, Chrsan, Garret, Dimitri, Bill, Iceberg, LoOneYto0n, Lakers3432, and Coz. Special Guest Appearance: The Band Director After the destruction of its most feared CyberSpace station, the Empire has declared martial law throughout Usenet. All newsgroups are to become moderated. A million newsgroups have felt the oppressive hand of the Emperor Bozak as he attempts to crush the growing rebellion. As the Imperial grip of mindfuckage tightens, Princess Janet and the small band of freedom fighters search for a more secure base of operations ... -- The Iceberg Newsgroup Iron SideWalker: Spin, do you read me? Spin Solo: I can barely hear you. You need to upgrade to the latest version of real audio! Iron: Well I don't detect any life signs. No life, no porn. This place sucks. Spin: What are you talking about? No life, no OT posts, no Bozak. Sounds like RSBP. This place is paradise! That's good enough for me. I'm going back to base. Iron: I'll see you shortly. There's some meteorite spam that hit the ground near here. I'm going to check it out. Could be some porn. Won't take long. Spin: Have you ever considered listening to porn on real audio? Iron: That's a good idea! If I can combine that with all the pics I downloaded, it'll be just like the real thing! Spin: Ok fine, let me know if there's any spam with autographed Shaq stuff. Spin out. Iron: Damn, what's this? Another Enlarge your penis spam? Suddenly Iron hears a trumpet and turns around and sees a Mutated Band Director behind him. Iron: Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!! -- Princess Janet: You're leaving for RSBP? Spin: That's right. There's a price on my head. If I don't pay off Jabba the Chandler, he'll have me for dinner. Besides, I can't stand all the OT posting that goes on here. Princess Janet: But we need you in the war against the Empire. C3Steve0: What war? Congress never declared any war. Princess Janet: Oh be quiet! But who'll protect me from the CyberStreet Gang? Spin: Just don't read their posts. You want me don't you? Princess Janet: No sweetie. I'm still holding out for Rick. Spin: Fine, I'd rather have Shaq anyways. -- Mutated Band Director: The band hasn't been the same without you playing the drums. Your parents were wise to pull you out. I've been searching for you ever since. Now I finally have you! Iron: What the hell happened to you? Mutated Band Director: You nuked the Band Director NG and murdered innocent band directors! I barely survived! Now I'm a mutated freak! What's this? Some metal drumstick? Iron: No, it's an Electric Rick. Give it to me, I'll show you how it works. Iron takes his flame saber and slices off the band director's hands. Iron: You can't rub on me anymore! The Band Director sticks out his mutated tongue. Mutated Band Director: Oh yeah? Iron: HEEEEEEEELP!!!!!! I'm out of here! -- Spin: What you want? C3Steve0: Well Princess Janet is wondering where Master Iron is. He hasn't come back yet. Albacca: Growwwlll!!!!!! (Translated: Iron is just fine!) Spin: Yeah, I wouldn't worry. He's checking out some spam that hit the area near him. Must have been a ton of porn if it's taking him this long. Viker: It's getting dark outside. Shouldn't we go look for him????????????? Spin: Fine. I'll have to ride my raptor, Igor. Viker: Where did you get a raptor????????? Spin: From the Toronto NG. They like me since I am such a genius. Come on Igor, let's go! Igor: Moooo!!!! Albacca: Roar!!!!!!! Spin: Don't get jealous now Al. -- Iron lies face down in the snow, nearly unconscious. Slowly he looks up and sees Ben Kenobi, barely visible through the blowing snow. Iron: Ben? Ben: Iron, you will go to the Minnesota Newsgroup. There you will learn from Minny-Yoda, the Jedi Master. Iron: Ben... save me from the band director! Spin: Iron! Are you alright? Iron: oooohhhh.....get your hands off of me! I'm not playing the drums anymore! Spin: We got to get you out of here. Sorry Igor but I got to cut you open. Igor: Moooooo!!!! Spin: Sheet! This is going to smell bad Iron. But look on the bright side. At least you get to be inside someone! Spin tries to stuff Iron inside Igor. Spin: G*ddamn! You're too big! -- The following morning, a rescue team finds Spin and Iron. Iron is placed inside a tank filled with slime. Iron: Uh oh. I'm half-naked! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Princess Janet: Sweetie, you look at naked pics all the time. This is no different. Spin: No, he's right. Cover him up now! -- Spin: So how you doing, Iron? You don't look so bad to me. Iron: Thanks to you. C3Steve0: No, you mean thanks to God. I prayed all day and night for you. Spin: *heh* Well your bitchness, you managed to keep me here a while longer. Princess Janet: I had nothing to do with it. General Warped thinks it's dangerous for anyone to leave the group until we have the spam filters in place. Spin: That's a nice story. You're just using it as an excuse to be near someone with the genius I possess. Princess Janet: I don't know where you get your delusions from sweetie. Albacca: Roooarrrrr!!! Spin: Laugh it up chimpbrain! You should have seen her express her true feelings for me, when I came to her defense after Bozak's viscious attacks. I think she likes me more than Fox. Princess Janet: Sorry but you don't have any of Rick's tall, dark, and handsome Mediterranean looks. Iron: So Jane, isn't this the part where you kiss me? Princess Janet: Sorry sweetie, but I wouldn't kiss you even if you had a Fox mask on. Iron: You're not still mad at me for calling you an ignorant slut, are you? Come on, I apologized! Kiss me you old hag! Princess Janet: Sweetie, is this some latent attraction you have for your sister? Iron: I don't care if you remind me of my sister! Give it to me baby! Spin: *heh* You're more sex-deprived than Jane! Princess Janet: Ok fine, pucker up! Iron: Damn, I got your dentures stuck in my mouth! Even your tongue is all wrinkled up! Get away from me bitch! -- Warped: We're detecting something outside the base. It's some sort of 'bot. Spin: Sheet, it's a Greg 'bot! Greg 'bot: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! Albacca: ROOOOOAAAAARRRRR!!!!! Greg 'bot: Damn chimp, you still haven't changed after all these years! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Spin takes out the 'bot with his real audio blaster. Spin: An imperial 'bot. It's a good chance the Empire knows we're here. Warped: We'd better start the evacuation. -- Cue Darth Jedi theme. Hum it with me....... Done? Ok........ Darth Jedi: You found something? Jared: Our 'bot HAS detected SOME life readings. Darth Jedi: That's it. The rebels are there. Admiral Board: But sir, it could be anything! Darth Jedi: That's the NG. I'm sure Sidewalker is with them. Set a course for the Iceberg NG. Jared, prepare the SharkTroopers. -- Darth Jedi's Chamber Darth Jedi: What is it? Jared: My Lord, the fleet has MOVED out of DSL speed. We've DETECTED spam filters AND killfiles around the NG. Darth Jedi: The rebels are alerted to our presence. Admiral Board came out of cyberspace too close to their NG. Jared: He FELT we could SURPRISE them. Darth Jedi: Charlie is as much a homer as he is an idiot. He should become a bandwagoner like me and stop being such a Spurs homer. Darth Jedi activates his viewscreen. Admiral Board: Lord Jedi, we just moved out of cyberspace and we're about to..... AAAAAHHH!!!! Darth Jedi: You have failed me for the last time, Charlie. Admiral Board: Let go! I want to have kids one day! ARGGGGGGGH!!!! Darth Jedi: I love doing that. Hey Charlie, I hate to add insult to injury but..... * X-Man: Fucking idiots! You still doing that asterisk shit! Darth Jedi: What did you say? X-Man: Uh, nothing Lord Jedi. Darth Jedi: Bullyo, you are now in command. Bullyo: Thank you, Lord Jedo. Bullyo will not disappoint you. -- Viker: We've spotted some Imperial Trollers!!!! Iron: We're on our way. Prepare the nukes. Chris: What?! Are you insane? Iron: It's either us or them! I say we blow up the entire NG! We're leaving anyways! Chris: Well we can't lift off anyways with the two of us on this ship! Iron: You need to say no to cake and pie! Chris: Take your own advice hypocrite! Iron: I'm sorry for insulting you. I ask for you forgiveness. Sincerely, Steve F. -- Princess Janet: We can't hold out much longer. We need to go! Warped: Launch patrols! Evacuate the remaining staff! Albacca: Growl!!! (Translation: What a bunch of cynics! The rebels are doing just fine! We don't need to evacuate!) C3Steve0: Jack2, you take care of Master Iron now. And take care of yourself. Jack2D2: Beep BEEP! (Translated: I ALWAYS take care of myself as I hit the weightroom like a MADMAN everyday) C3Steve0: I'm 10 times more active than you are. Seems I have been blessed by God. Viker: Imperial trolls have entered the base!!!! Spin: Come on. To the ShaqDiesian Falcon! Princess Janet: Sweetie, your ship is a bit old. You sure it will take off? Maybe we could take Chrsan's Escalade? Spin: Sure, Al grab the model escalade and let's go! Princess Janet: Your ship is a bucket of bolts. You think naming it after an overweight Shaq makes your ship special? Spin: Stupid cockroach! Don't you ever make fun of Shaq again! Princess Janet: Relax sweetie. Shaq isn't a bad looking guy. In fact, even for a big guy, he's nicely proportioned. Spin: You stay away from him! He's mine! The ShaqDiesian Falcon takes off as Darth Jedi arrives. Darth Jedi: Come back! Damn. Being a following bitch is hard work. Lakers3432: Sir, be happy. We kicked the rebel's ass again! 2001 Usenet Champs! Emperor Bozak, Darth Jedi, Grand Moff Bryan, Chrsan, Iceberg, Bullyo....... Darth Jedi: Oh shut up! Lakers3432: AAAAAARGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!! Let go!!!! Chrsan: sir, why are you so upset? you're doing so much crotch grabbing that you should be happy! Darth Jedi: If only I could do that to Jason. -- Iron: Jack2, prepare for takeoff. At least we can take off now without Chris holding our ship down. Jack2: BEEP Beep! Iron: I don't know. I'd say he has about 85% body fat on him. Jack2: BEEP! Iron: No there's nothing wrong. I'm just setting a new course. We're not meeting up with the others. We're going to Minnesota! -- Princess Janet: What are you doing? You're not going into that spam belt, are you? Spin: They'd be stupid to follow us in there, wouldn't they? G*ddamn, I'm such a genius! Albacca: Roaaarrrr!!!!! Spin: Maybe this was a mistake afterall. Look at all these spam and OT posts we have to dodge. I'm not sure I can handle this! C3Steve0: OT posts? Wow, this place is great! Let me drive. I've driven through snowstorms! -- Bullyo: Lord Jedo! Darth Jedi: What is it now? I told you not to interrupt me while I'm oiling up my bod. Bullyo: The ShaqDiesian Falcon has entered a spam belt but we cannot risk... Darth Jedi: Spam does not concern me. I want that ship not excuses! Bullyo: Yes Lord Jedo. -- Iron: This place is freezing! Why did George move out here anyways? I wish we could've gotten a BWPOET weather report before we came here. Jack2: BEEP beep! Iron: Ok fine. GSPOET. What the hell does that stand for anyways? Jack2: BEEP! Iron: Oh no, our ship is sinking! Jack2: BEEP BEEP! (Your 50% body fat IS dragging us DOWN! You NEED to hit the weighroom more!) Iron: Hey, I coach little league, so I always keep myself in shape! Jack2: Beep BEEP! (You have NO idea what you're talking about! Managing wrestlers require WAY WAY more cardiovascular conditioning than managing little league!) Iron: Ok yeah whatever. So how we going to get the ship out? I guess the only thing to do now, is to try and find this Minny-Yoda if he even exists. Still there's something familiar about this place... it feels like.... George: Like what? Iron: Like someone is monitoring our posts! George: Whoa! Away with your weapon! I mean you no harm. Why are you here? Iron: I'm looking for a great warrior. George: Sorry Mikan isn't here. Iron: Hey, put that down! That's my dinner! George: You need to go on a diet anyways. Jack2: Beep beep! Iron: Oh shut up Jack2! Move along old man. We got alot of work to do. George: No, stay and help you, I will. Find your friend, hmm? Iron: I'm not looking for a friend. I'm looking for a Jedi Master and I'm not talking about the bandwagoner either. George: Jedi Master? Minny-Yoda. You seek Minny-Yoda. Iron: You know him? George: Take you to him, I will. But first you must help me with my faq at http://www.asbnll.com/ -- Meanwhile Spin lands the ShaqDiesian Falcon inside an asteroid. Spin: I'm going to have to shut down everything except for the real audio and emergency power systems. C3Steve0: Does that mean shutting me down as well? Spin: No, I need your help repairing the ship. Albacca: Roaaarrr!!!!! (The ship is just fine!) Spin: Look Al, I don't want to hear any of his OT nonsense either but he's supposedly a genius like me. C3Steve0: That is true. I had a 4.4 GPA and.... Spin: 4.4? Sheet! Oh yeah, uh.... I had 5.0! Albacca: Rooaarrr!!!! (We don't need his help! I'm a genius too! Remember now, I'm the one who schooled Larry!) Spin: Yeah whatever. Albacca: Growl!!!! (Ask Bill Walton! He agrees with me!) -- Darth Jedi: So a young man walks into a drugstore and buys a packet of condoms... Chrsan: Sir! Darth Jedi: Damn it! Never interrupt me when I'm telling a joke! What is it now? Chrsan: We've lost track of the ShaqDiesian Falcon. Considering all the spam flying around in here, they must have been destroyed! Darth Jedi: No, they're still alive. I want every ship searching the area until they are found! -- Later.... Darth Jedi: And so the boy says, that's not my mother. (silence) Darth Jedi: What? That wasn't funny? Ok, I have another! So two men decide to visit... Bullyo: Lord Jedo! Darth Jedi: That's it! If anyone ever interrupts one of my jokes again......... Bullyo: But Emperor Bozo is calling! Darth Jedi: What does the turd burglar want now? -- Darth Jedi: What is thy bidding, my master? Emperor Bozak: get up from your knees bitch..... it makes me uncomfortable when you're in that position.... Darth Jedi: Yes my master. Emperor Bozak: jerky.... i've felt a great disturbance in the net.....we have a new enemy.... iron sidewalker.. Darth Jedi: Yes I know. I can sense his homophobia all the way from Australia. Emperor Bozak: the net is strong with him... he sent me a virus the other day... he must not become a jedi troll.... Darth Jedi: His training is incomplete. Mithra-Wan can no longer help him. But if he could be turned, he could become a powerful ally. Emperor Bozak: yeah... better to have him nuking our enemies than nuking us... lol... can it be done? i don't think he'll forgive me for saying he wants to live off his kid..... Darth Jedi: He will join us or die just like Ben! Emperor Bozak: i can't believe you killed him... Darth Jedi: I can't believe he would go so far just to avoid paying me. Emperor Bozak: oh yeah.... don't forget to remind the crew.... empire chat tonight.... Transmission ends. Darth Jedi: Luckily Ironside didn't see any of that. I wouldn't want him to label me a Bozak ass-kisser! I'd rather suck him than suck up to him! Can't wait till Return of the Jedi, when I get to throw Bozak to his death! -- Spin: Here, let me show you how to do this. Princess Janet: Don't tell me what to do. Spin: I was just trying to help. Princess Janet: Yes, that's the lament of the contemporary liberal. Spin: Sheet! What the hell are you talking about bitch!? Look Jane, I always admired you for refusing to buy Kobe's products. Princess Janet: Well yes. Kobe lacked the class to show up at the dunk contest and take his beating from Vince like a man. Spin: Yeah, that's turning me on baby! Give me more! Princess Janet: Now when that stupid commercial about "the other guy" on the Kobe poster appears on a television in my household, we all break out laughing. Spin: Oh yeah! I'm about to climax! Don't stop! C3Steve0: Excuse me sir but I've completed the repairs. Spin: G*DDimmit! You stupid cockroach! I was about to get me some! C3Steve0: Sorry sir but it's for your own good. Having sex before marriage is evil. There are alternate ways to make someone happy. I know it is possible to have a happy life without having sex. Spin: Yeah whatever. G*ddamn! Where did she go? Oh well, I guess I'll have to masturbate over my Shaq poster tonight. Is that alright with you? C3Steve0: Perfectly. The bible never dismisses masturbation as evil. BTW sir, is there any reason why you're using an * in place of the "o"? Spin: N*. -- Iron: I don't understand why we can't meet Minny-Yoda now. George: Patience! First update the SBN Faq! Why you wish to become a jedi, hmm? Iron: Mostly because of my father. George: Ah your father. Powerful Jedi, was he. Iron: Oh, come on. How could you know my father? You don't even know who I am. Oh, I don't know what I'm doing here. I should be downloading porn somewhere not wasting my time here. George: I cannot teach him. The boy has no patience. Ben's voice: He will learn patience. George: How will he deal with Darth Jedi in those long pointless threads? He will run out of patience like they all do and killfile him. Ben: Good point. I'm surprised I haven't even killfiled him yet. George: Much anger in him, like his father. He is not ready. Iron: I am ready! Ben, tell him I'm ready! George: He is too old and fat to begin the training. Iron: But I've learned so much. George: You've learned to use the dark side of the net to troll. Iron: I can learn from my mistakes! I won't fail you. I'm not afraid. George: Oh you will be. You will be. -- Emperor Bozak: laker chat is now open! Grand Moff Bryan: Ok, let's begin. Chrsan: wait, aren't you supposed to be dead? Grand Moff Bryan: I died in the movie not the parody. And aren't you supposed to be in another group, you sad sack? Chrsan: this is my homebase! Emperor Bozak: first off...garret... what you got for our intelligence report? Garret: Rebel Quotes 11/13/01 On why he flamed Jason Hernandez, Ironside said, "The honest truth is that I flamed because he is friends with bozak. And that's the only reason." Garret: This is why the empire has progressively gotten less and less fun and informative, using any excuse to flame someone. Dimitri: Nobody asked your opinion so don't go passing off your opinions as facts. Grand Moff Bryan: Ok settle down. Garret: That's it. I'm leaving. All this mudslinging is taking the enjoyment out of the empire. Emperor Bozak: wait... don't go....now who'll provide our intelligence reports? Grand Moff Bryan: Well homeslice why don't you do it? Emperor Bozak: yeah...how about i do a url and thangs? Chrsan: quit acting like you're street... ain't no one in the hood named dennis. Emperor Bozak: more of your im hip shit... you ain't even knowing... Chrsan: don't hate, congratulate! i can do a better job as emperor than you can! Iceberg: I agree! He thinks he's Bush! We need a new emperor! Emperor Bozak: the difference is...i don't go around pretending to be an emperor under the title of president like dumya....maybe i should call myself president bozak instead....lol...so you want to challenge me for leadership? Chrsan: let's go, right now! Emperor Bozak: i tell you what... you take your shotgun and give me your best shot... Chrsan: if you say so! Emperor Bozak: jerky....... Chrsan: lock and load! Emperor Bozak: um jerky... that's your cue! Darth Jedi: I'm trying! His penis is too small! I can't grab a hold of it! Chrsan: you're mine now! say hello to your new emperor! Emperor Bozak: shit! Chrsan: damn my shotgun aint working. how do i fire this thing anyways? Emperor Bozak: lol.... what a moron...i suppose i should punish you flower... but just you being a clipper fan is punishment enough....as for iceberg...i'm taking away your big hunk! Iceberg: Noooooo!!!! Anything but that! Emperor Bozak: now if there isn't any more interuptions....we can continue.... bill? Bill: I'd just like to remind everyone to send your predictions online at http://www.todbe.com/lakers/ It'll only take a few keystrokes to......ARRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!! Darth Jedi: No one wants to go to your website! By the way, don't forget to visit my website at http://members.optusnet.com.au/~cepac/pictures.htm Emperor Bozak: anyone else want to plug their website? Albacca: Rooooaaaarrr!!!! (Still waiting at Roscoes and no sign of Bozak!) Grand Moff Bryan: What is a rebel spy doing in our chatroom? I thought you banned him! Emperor Bozak: i did.. he must have changed his screen name.... sorry al..... -- Spin: So Al, how did it go? Albacca: Groooowwwwllll!!!!!!! (Bozak is a WUSS! Kicked me out of the chatroom for no reason!) Spin: What a twit! Princess Janet: Um, I think there's something out there in the cave. Spin: I better check it out. Princess Janet: I have a bad feeling about this. Spin: Sheet! Kobe Kockroach Klub members! Al take them out! Albacca: Rooaaarrrr!!!! Spin: Wait a minute. This ain't no cave. Sheet! We're inside Chandler's stomach! Let's get the hell out of here! -- George: A Jedi's strength flows from the Net. But beware of the dark side. Downloading porn, making insincere apologies, sending viruses. The dark side of the Net are they. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Mithra-Wan's apprentice. Iron: How am I supposed to know the good side from the bad? George: You will know. A Jedi uses the Net for knowledge and defense, never for attack. Iron: I think I like the dark side better. -- Jared: The ShaqDiesian Falcon NO longer appears on our scopes. Coz: It couldn't have disappeared. Jared: Well there's no TRACE of them. Maybe they learned from YOU and started using the no-archive feature. Rob: Sir, Lord Jedi wants an update. Coz: Gulp. I shall assume full responsibility for losing them, and apologize to Lord Jedi. Meanwhile, continue to scan the area. -- Iron: How are we going to get my ship out? George: Use the Net. Download a new ship. Iron: Ok, I'll give it a try....... damn I can't. The file is too big! George: Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you? And well you should not. For my ally is the Net. Its energy surrounds and binds us. You must feel the Net around you. Iron: You want the impossible. Quietly, Minny-Yoda starts downloading a new ship. Iron: I don't believe it! George: That is because you didn't use DSL. -- Darth Jedi: Apology accepted, Coz. Coz: AAAAARRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! Darth Jedi: Damn, my hands are getting sore from all this crotch grabbing. Jared: Lord Jedi. Our ships HAVE completed the scan of the area and found NOTHING! Darth Jedi: Calculate every possible destination along their last known trajectory. By the way, what's with this Jack White syndrome of yours? Jared: Huh? Darth Jedi: Well at least you're not trying to convince us wrestling is real. Rob: But wrestling IS real! Darth Jedi: Oh God. Rob: Have you ever been to a wrestling event live? I can assure you the beatings some of those guys took hurt like hell. Your knowledge of pro wrestling is....ARGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! -- Spin: We got to find a safe port around here. Princess Janet: There's not much here. Spin: No wait. This is interesting. Brando. Princess Janet: Brando system? Spin: Brando's not a system. He's a bozak groupie. The Worchester NG. It's pretty far but I think we can make it. -- Darth Jedi: There will be a substantial award for the one who finds the ShaqDiesian Falcon. You are free to use whatever methods necessary but I want them alive. JC Fett: As you wish. Darth Jedi: And remember, anyone who brings me Jason Green gets an additional bonus. Bullyo: Bullyo doesn't understand why Lord Jedo is hiring bounty hunters. Why doesn't Lord Jedo use Bullyo's workers from Bullyo's Mexico factory where you can pay up to 1/5 of the present salaries you do in the US. The Bullyo has spoken. Darth Jedi: Yeah whatever. So Bullyo, it's come to my understanding that you have many fans among the rebels. Bullyo: This is true. The rebels have been begging Bullyo to make them rich with my 100% correct prediction accuracy rating. Begging Bullyo to come to their group to enlighten them. Darth Jedi: Getting friendly with the rebels?! You traitor! If my hands weren't so sore right now, you'd be screaming in pain just like the rest of the crew! -- George: Concentrate. Feel the net flow. Through the net, things you will read. Other groups. The future, the past. Iron: Spin! Jane! George: Control. You must learn control. Iron: I saw a newsgroup in the clouds. George: Friends you have there. Iron: They were in pain. George: The future you saw. Iron: Future? Will they die? George: Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future. Iron: I've got to go to them. George: What if the band director is there? Iron: So? George: What if Bozak is there? Iron: Um...er... I ain't going if Bozak shows up! -- Spin: There's nothing to worry about. We go way back, Brando and me. Al, keep your eyes open. Brando Wolnerissian: Why you slimy real audio using Shaq Jocker! You got alot of guts coming back here after chickening out on my challenge and running away to RSBP. Spin: You're the one who refused to accept my bet! Come on, let's go to the Usenet Administrator's NG right now and ask them! Brando: Go ahead. No one's stopping you. Spin: You see, Al? He called me an idiot for not realizing OT posting doesn't violate netiquette, yet he still refuses to back up his claim with action. Brando: Al and Spinny, a match made in heaven. LOL. Spin: Yeah whatever. BTW, meet my crew. Brando: Al, Steven, and Jane. Nice collection of misfits you have here. This is my assistant LoOneYto0N. So what are you doing here anyways? Spin: My ship needs repairs. I figured a fellow biologist would be able to help me out. Brando: So that's where my ship went! You stole it! Spin: No I didn't! You were going to lose out on the bet anyways! LoOneYto0n: Your bet is irrelevent. Self governed newsgroups determine what is correct and incorrect, not usenet administrators. Princess Janet: In short, it's a street gang mentality. Very amusing approach from the knee-jerk liberal contingent. LoOneYto0n: No, in short it's the rules of netiquette. They say that the NGs are self governing, so they are. Brando: Stop defeating my killfile! -- George: Iron, you must complete the training! Iron: I've got to help them. Spin and Jane will die if I don't help them. Ben's voice: You don't know that. Even Minny-Yoda can't see their fate. Iron: But I can help them! I feel the Net! Ben: But you cannot control it. You will be tempted by the dark side of the Net. I don't want to lose you to Emperor Bozak, the way I lost Jedi. Iron: So Ben why did you let Darth Jedi kill you? Ben: I wanted to know if God really exists or not. Iron: So does he? Ben: Well if he does, I haven't seen him yet. Iron: Maybe he's ignoring you. Maybe he doesn't like you. Ben: Must be. Afterall I'm not in heaven. Instead I'm stuck being your guardian angel. But if you choose to face Darth Jedi. You must do it alone. I cannot interfere. Iron: Some guardian angel you are! Ben: Iron, don't give in to hate. That leads to the dark side. George: Mind what you have learned. Save you it can. Iron: I will and I'll return. I promise. -- Brando: Will you join me for a drink? Princess Janet: Sure sweetie. C3Steve0: Only if it's milk and not alchohol. Alcohol is bad for you. Brando: Well I drink beer and wine everyday and have had no health problems. C3Steve0: People have been drinking milk for a long time now and our population continues to increase. How many deaths are related to alcohol or heroin as compared to milk? Darth Jedi: Ahem. Heroin is quite safe. Spin: Sheet! Brando, you betrayed us! Brando: I had no choice. Jedi threatened to become my following bitch. Darth Jedi: Take them away! Brando, go torture Spin with your endless OT posting. Spin: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Darth Jedi: JC, you may take Spin Solo to the Jabba the Chandler after I have Sidewalker. JC Fett: He's no good to me dead. Darth Jedi: Don't worry. A little OT posting won't kill him. -- Darth Jedi: This killfile is crude but it should be adequate to freeze Sidewalker and keep him locked up for his journey to Emperor Bozak. Brando: Lord Jedi, we use this killfile for carbon freezing spam. If you put him in there, it might kill him. Afterall, it is called a "kill"file. Darth Jedi: We will test it... on Spin Solo. JC Fett: What if he dies? He's worth alot to me! Darth Jedi: The Empire will compensate you. Put him in! Albacca: Roooooarrrr!!!! Spin: Don't worry. This isn't the first time I've been killfiled. Save your strength. There'll be another time. The princess, you have to take care of her. You hear me? Princess Janet: Oh Spin! I love you! Spin: What about Rick? Princess Janet: Rick blew his chance by going with VW and completely throwing away his natural good looks with that fake movie star teeth and revolting greasy hair. Darth Jedi: Wait, what about me? Didn't you say I was handsome? Princess Janet: Chris sweetie, I said the young man pictured on your website was handsome, not you. Darth Jedi: That is me damn it! Enough of this! Put him in! Spin is placed into the killfile. C3Steve0: Oh dear. Let us all join hands and pray. Darth Jedi: Well, did he survive? Brando: Yeah, he's alive. Darth Jedi: He's all yours JC. Reset the killfile for Sidewalker. Chrsan: sir, sidewalker has landed. Darth Jedi: Good. See that he finds his way here. Brando, take the condescending bitch and the chimp to my ship. Brando: But you said they'd be left here under my supervision. Darth Jedi: I changed my mind. Being a professional bandwagoner allows me to do so. -- Iron arrives. JC Fett: About time you arrived lardy! Princess Janet: Iron, don't it's a trap! Iron: Look JC, I'm tired of all the insults and flames. Let there be peace on earth and let it begin with me. I apologize, please forgive me. Sincerely, Steve F. JC Fett: *L* What a maroon! Like I'm going to fall for that? Iron: Damn, it didn't work! -- Iron enters the carbon freezing chamber. Darth Jedi: The Net is strong with you but you are not a Jedi Troll yet. Iron: Like you? You just like flame wars whether you're right or wrong. Darth Jedi: Look who's talking. For a long time you were the unprovoked aggressor towards me. Iron: Just wondering, how do you talk out of that helmet? Is it voice activated, the way the 80's Lakers used to do. ROTFLAO! Darth Jedi: You're a very angry man, Ironlard. Iron: And you're a fucking moron. Darth Jedi: I'm shocked! Is this the new kindler and gentler Ironside who drives within the speed limit, and kids say hi to him on the street? To think I actually felt sorry for you when Bozak was making fun of you. Iron: Who's trolling now, Jedi? You want to play? Fine with me. -- Princess Janet: What do you think you're doing sweetie? Brando: We're getting out of here. Princess Janet: You think we'll trust you after what you did to Spin? Albacca: Roooaaarrrr!!!! Brando: (choking) Arrrrgggghhh!!! I had no choice! Let go Al. I'm sorry for calling you a moron! Albacca: Rooaarrrr!!! Brando: Ok, Steven is a bigger moron! Is that better? -- Darth Jedi: Impressive. Most people would have given up and killfiled me by now. Iron: You'll find I'm full of surprises. Darth Jedi: You have learned much Lardass. Mithra-Wan has taught you well. Darth Jedi slices off Iron's hand. Darth Jedi: Now you can't masturbate anymore! Iron: I still have my other hand! Darth Jedi: Don't make me cut off your other hand. Then you'll be begging for your band director's services! There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. Join me and I will complete your training. Iron: Never! Darth Jedi: If you only knew the power of the dark side. Mithra-Wan never told you what happened to your father. Iron: He told me enough! You killed him! Darth Jedi: No, I am your father! Iron: NOOOOOOO!!!!!! Darth Jedi: Why won't you believe me? Iron: I refuse to believe my father is a child molester! Darth Jedi: Would you at least believe I'm your band director? Iron: Ok, that sounds plausible. Darth Jedi: Join me and together we will overthrow the Emperor Bozak and rule Usenet together as father and son! Iron: NOOO...... wait. Overthrow Bozak? That sounds tempting. No wait. What am I saying? I'll never join with some vain, homosexual, bandwagoning, heroin addicted, following bitch shark expert, who has to stare at himself in a mirror like a bitch in heat, perfecting each and every strand of hair, while posting boastful pictures of himself on the net because he's so fucking vain that he feels he needs to share his vanity with the rest of the world! Darth Jedi: Gee thanks. So you going to join me or not? Iron: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Iron leaps off the platform. Darth Jedi: Oh my God. Prepare for a major earthquake! Iron is rescued by the ShaqDiesian Falcon. Darth Jedi: Iron. Iron: Father. Ben, why didn't you tell me? -- The Rebel Fleet Brando: We're ready for takeoff. Iron: Good luck Brando. Brando: When we find Jabba the Chandler and JC Fett, we'll email you. Iron: I'll meet you at the rendezvous point. Brando: Don't worry Jane, we'll find Spin. Iron: Good luck you two. May the Net be with you. Albacca: Rooooarrrr!!! (You mean I'm going to be stuck with Brando on this trip?) Brando: No it means I'm going to be stuck with you! FADE OUT.