Flaming Poster, Evil Bozak
Based on the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon script which can be found at
script-o-rama.com.
Story pitched by Bozak
Teleplay by S_Knight
Starring
Bozak as Li Mu Bozak
Laurel as Yu Shu Laurel
Jedi as Jedi Yu/Jedi Girl and Aunt Marsha
Jane as Governess Janet/Jane Fox
Spinhead as Roy
Jack as Sir Jack and Madam Jill Yu
Jason as Master Jason, Jack's head of security
Bullyo as Governor Bullyu
Bryan as Inspector Bryan
Chris Chandler as Lisa, Bryan's daughter
Rick as De Rick/De Warped, Jack's head servant
Laurance as himself
George as the waiter
Huang Gang as himself
Ironside as Ironside Mi
Coz as Flying Sonic Coz
LoOneYtoOn as Gou Jun LoOn
Viker as Viker Jing
Aunt Marsha: Li Mu Bozak is here! Come in Bo!
Bozak ignores Aunt Marsha.
Yu Shu Laurel: Li Mu Bozak, it has been too long.
Li Mu Bozak: well for you anyways... the season is always longer when your
team sux... lol..
As Laurel and Bozak continue talking, Aunt Marsha follows them around.
Yu Shu Laurel: Monk Wolner said you were at the Raiders group, practicing
deep
meditation and writing your screenplay. The Raider group must be so
peaceful... I envy you. My work of continuing to prove Steven Carter an
idiot, keeps me so busy, I hardly get any rest.
Li Mu Bozak: it's more peaceful when i'm not around...but i left the group
early....
Yu Shu Laurel: But why? You're an Evil Troll. It's what you do.
Li Mu Bozak: while i was away from posting in a state of deeper meditation,
i arose to a plain never seen before and i was shown the black destiny
phallus... besides.... the tRaiders suck and aren't worth wasting my time
on....
Yu Shu Laurel: You were enlightened?
Li Mu Bozak: no.. i was surrounded by an endless sorrow, by a bunch of
anti-guard fans telling me how great he is...i couldn't bear it so i broke
off my meditation.... there was something... pulling me back..... would you
please tell your bitch to stop following us?
Aunt Marsha: I knew he couldn't continue ignoring me for long!
Yu Shu Laurel: He's only trolling you, why don't you go serve us some tea or
something. =)
Aunt Marsha: Why do you keep defending him?!
Yu Shu Laurel: I'm not defending him. I'm just defending his right to troll.
Li Mu Bozak: ahem... you're straying from the script...
Yu Shu Laurel: Sorry.
Aunt Marsha: I knew it! They're in love!
Li Mu Bozak: you are leaving soon?
Yu Shu Laurel: Yes. We're traveling to the Laker group for some much needed
supplies and posts which the Blazer group sorely needs right now.
Li Mu Bozak: perhaps you can deliver something to sir jack for me...
Yu Shu Laurel: The Black Destiny Phallus? You're giving it to Sir Jack?
Li Mu Bozak: well yeah, he can spend all day measuring it now.....
Yu Shu Laurel: How can you part with it? It has always been with you.
Li Mu Bozak: too many trolls have died from it's edge... it only looks pure
because blood.. not to mention... that white stuff... washes so easily from
it's blade.... it's time for me to leave it behind.... besides, i have a new
blade... the anti-anti-guard.....wait till he gets a load of this baby!
Yu Shu Laurel: What will you do now?
Li Mu Bozak: what do you think? i'm taking out the anti-guard with my
anti-anti-guard and ensure the lakers dynasty remains intact! i'd like to
see him take a charge from this baby!
Yu Shu Laurel: Come with me to the Lakers group. You can give the sword to
Jack yourself.
Li Mu Bozak: first i must visit my masters grave... it's been many years
since jane fox bitchslapped him to death.... i shall make sure she pays...
Yu Shu Laurel: You're going to avenge Master Greg's death?
Li Mu Bozak: what are you crazy? i'm not avenging his death.... i'm going to
make cyclelessjane pay for robbing me of the chance to kill bunker
myself...i would
have killed him too had he not run from the group...
Yu Shu Laurel: Join me when you're finished. I'll wait for you. Oh and watch
out for sharks!
Aunt Marsha: Don't worry, the sharks around here haven't developed a taste
for trolls yet. What do you see in him anyways?
Yu Shu Laurel: He reminds me of Chingis.
Aunt Marsha: He's an asshole!
Yu Shu Laurel: He's just trolling.
Aunt Marsha: You can only judge him by what he posts!
JACK'S WRESTLING RING
Laurel presents the sword to Sir Jack.
Sir Jack: So THIS is Bozak's personal sword? WOW, I DIG the cool
phallus-shaped design! It is WAY WAY hard yet SOFT at the SAME time!
INCREDIBLE. Li Mu Bozak giving UP his sword and his trolling days? Maybe
he's TRYING to tell you something.
Yu Shu Laurel: I wouldn't know. =)
Sir Jack: DON'T be STUPID! I've ALWAYS known about your feelings for EACH
other! After all these YEARS, neither of you is brave enough to ADMIT the
truth to each other!
De Rick: Governor Bullyu has arrived.
Sir Jack: Damn, I guess I HAVE to change out of my wrestling gear.
JACK'S WEIGHT ROOM
De Rick: Sir Jack said to leave the sword here.
Rick and Laurel are surprised to find a young bandwagoner inside.
De Rick: Who are you?
Jedi Yu: I'm your guest, Governor Bullyu's daughter.
De Rick: What are you doing here?
Jedi Yu: I'm just trying find a place to post my pics.
De Rick: I am Sir Jack's head servant. This is Laurel, another one of our
guests.
Jedi Yu: Wow, can I see the sword? It's so huge! Can you take a pic of me
holding it?
Yu Shu Laurel: It belongs to my friend Li Mu Bozak. He's given it to Sir
Jack as a gift.
Jedi Yu: Li Mu Bozak? The flaming poster? Are you a flaming poster as well?
Yu Shu Laurel: Yes but I prefer letting my dogs do all the work. I heard
you're getting married. Congratulations.
Jedi Yu: Yes, my father is forcing me to marry some fisherman named
Laurance.
Can you believe he actually catches sharks and then releases them? Imagine
all the shark fin soup he could have had!
Yu Shu Laurel: You do not love him?
Jedi Yu: No but I certainly wouldn't mind having sex with him!
Later that night.
Sir Jack shows off the phallus to Governor Bullyu.
Sir Jack: Go ahead Governor, take a look. 7'4" long! 1% bodyfat! Can
withstand over 500lbs of pressure!
Governor Bullyu: Jacko, your knowledge of irrelevent numbers is most
impressive.
JEDI'S ROOM
Governess Janet: Chris, I heard you met Laurel today.
Jedi Yu: Do you know her?
Governess Janet: She's one of those primitive dogwomen. Your mother would
not want you bandwagoning with her kind.
Jedi Yu: I'll bandwagon with whomever I want!
JACK'S WEIGHT ROOM
Later that night....
A masked figure silenty enters the weight room and steals the sword. Master
Jason, Jack's head of security sees the thief, who leaps onto the roof.
Master Jason: Someone help! The sword's been stolen! Stop him! [g]
Inspector Bryan: It's Jane Fox!
Lisa Chandler: We must avenge mother!
Master Jason: He's getting away! [g]
The thief runs into Yu Shu Laurel.
Yu Shu Laurel: Return the sword and I'll let you go.
The thief ignores her.
Jedi Girl: (thinking to herself) Yeah, I ignored her! I finally have a
following bitch!
Laurel sends her dogs after Jedi but Jedi pumps the dogs full of metal
slugs.
Jedi Girl: I'm glad mother taught me how to play duck hunt.
Laurel: You've been trained in the ways of Jack White?
Jedi continues to ignore Laurel as she jumps from roof to roof.
Jedi Girl: Damn, I never imagined how fun it could be to have a following
bitch of my own!
Suddenly someone shoots an Electric Rick towards Laurel who manages to catch
it. Jedi uses this opportunity to escape.
The next day
Master Jason: I'm sure the thief is in the Bullyu household. [g]
Sir Jack: How DARE you imply?
Yu Shu Laurel: Has Governor Bullyu ever seen the sword?
Sir Jack: Yes BUT I doubt he's involved.
Yu Shu Laurel: But the sword could be in his compound.
Sir Jack: Then someone is TRYING to set him up. We should inform Li Mu
Bozak.
GOVERNOR BULLYU'S COMPOUND
Madam Jill Yu: WHAT is it?
Governess Janet: Someone's put up posts flaming Jane Fox! Ohhhhh.... I'm
getting dizzy. Excuse me. I have to check up on my father.
JEDI'S ROOM
Yu Shu Laurel: You troll gracefully. Bandwagoning is so similar to following
bitches.
Jedi Yu: Maybe it is. I wouldn't know.
Yu Shu Laurel: I hear your wedding day is near.
Jedi Yu: Laurance comes from a powerful family. Marrying him would be good
for my father's career. I wish I were like the posters in the newsgroups I
read. Like you and Li Mu Bozak.
Yu Shu Laurel: Let me tell you a story. I was once engaged to be married.
His name was Ridn. He was a brother to Bozak by oath. But he was killed by
the sword of Li Mu Bozak's enemy.
Jedi Yu: Which one?
Yu Shu Laurel: I don't remember. He has too many enemies. Anyways,
afterwards Li Mu Bozak and I went through alot together. Our feelings for
each other grew stronger but how could we dishonor Ridn's memory?
Jedi Yu: It's not your fault or Bozak's. From now on, let's be like sisters.
Yu Shu Laurel: Then as a sister, let me wish you happiness in your marriage.
Jedi Yu: If I'm not happy, I could always find another husband, right?
Yu Shu Laurel: I hope you don't go through as many husbands as you do teams.
=)
INSPECTOR BRYAN'S HOUSE
Master Jason: Why are you spying on the Bullyu's? [g]
Inspector Bryan: I'm looking for Jane Fox. I'm a police inspector from
Santa Cruz. Jane Fox is a master troll and I heard she infiltrated the
Bullyu's.
Master Jason: Leave her to me [g]
Inspector Bryan: I doubt you can handle her. She trolled my wife so it is
personal. Leave her to me.
Suddenly an Electric Rick wrapped with a message, is shot into the room.
Lisa Chandler: What does it say?
Inspector Bryan: "We'll settle this at midnight at Staples"
JACK'S WEIGHT ROOM
Sir Jack: Look Laurel, Li Mu Bozak is HERE.
Li Mu Bozak: no bitch to greet me this time?
Yu Shu Laurel: No I sent her away.
Li Mu Bozak: what have you discovered...
Laurel shows Bozak the posts flaming Jane Fox
Li Mu Bozak: cyclelessjane? impossible...
Yu Shu Laurel: You always suspected she fled to Iowa.
De Warped: Pardon the intrusion. Master Bozak, your room is ready.
Li Mu Bozak: de warped? weren't you de rick? why the name change?
De Warped: Well with all the Electric Ricks flying around, I didn't want
people to get the wrong idea about me and Jane!
STAPLES
Inspector Bryan: Show yourself you condescending bitch!
An old hag arrives on a broomstick and throws off her disguise and reveals
herself as Governess Janet.
Jane Fox: Sweetie, you mispelled witch.
Master Jason: That's what you think bitch! [g]
Jane Fox: To all my friends in Asbnll, I just want everyone to know that I
passed my physical with flying colors today. Other than the fact that I only
have 10 years to live, I am perfectly healthy for a condescending bitch.
Inspector Bryan: Surrender now and you'll suffer less.
Lisa Chandler: Father! Let me avenge mother's death!
Jane Fox: BS, tell your daughter this isn't a computer game where you
attempt to annihilate the other posters. Not to mention, it won't kill her
to go on a diet.
Inspector Bryan: You'll pay for that bitch!
Jane Fox: Sweetie, you need to take a break and relax. I'd invite you over
to my house if you weren't a former friend of mine.
A battle erupts as Jane gains the upper hand by paralyzing Jason and Lisa
with her Electric Ricks.
Jane Fox: I don't think you brought enough Gang Members, BS.
As Jane goes in for the kill, Li Mu Bozak arrives.
Li Mu Bozak: it's been a long time cyclelessjane... you don't remember me
but you should remember my master...you stole his trolling secrets and now
you shall pay!
Jane Fox: Sure I remember you Denny. Aren't you that asian kid?
Li Mu Bozak quickly brings Jane to her knees.
Jane Fox: Please spare me! For my poor father's sake!
Suddenly a masked figure arrives saving her.
Jedi Girl: Let's get out of here before the wagon leaves!
Jane Fox: No! First I must annoy BS some more!
Li Mu Bozak: who are you? and why do you have the black destiny phallus?
Jedi Girl: Hmm.... I should wear a mask more often, that way he'll start
responding to me more.
Li Mu Bozak: i am li mu bozak and the phallus belongs to me.... jane fox
can't be your master... where did you learn to jump like that? tell me who
is your master....
Jedi Girl: Let's get out of here!
Jane Fox: We must kill them!
Jane throws an Electric Rick into Bryan's forehead, and flys away on her
broomstick.
Lisa Chandler: Father!
The next day.
Sir Jack: This NEEDS to be resolved QUICKLY.
Li Mu Bozak: i'll get into the bullyu household and get her.
Yu Shu Laurel: We must be careful. Governor Bullyu is a newsgroup official
and in charge of security. It might get Sir Jack into trouble.
Sir Jack: This IS a delicate matter.
Yu Shu Laurel: Sir Jack, can you find some excuse to invite Madam Jill Yu
and her daughter?
Sir Jack: WHAT do you have in mind?
Yu Shu Laurel: The best way to catch a witch is through her kittens.
JACK'S "COMPUTER" ROOM
Yu Shu Laurel: We know who stole the sword. If the thief returns it, I'm
sure Sir Jack will pursue the matter no further.
Madam Jill Yu: THAT'S good. Sometimes your PERSONAL trainers can't keep
their HANDS to themselves. I KNOW what that's like.
Yu Shu Laurel: Sir Jack knows that even well-meaning posters can jump on the
wrong bandwagon. BTW, you sure sound alot like Jack.
Madam Jill Yu: I have NO idea what you're talking about!
Later that night.
Something moves in the moonlight. A hooded figure jumps down. Li Mu Bozak,
who was hiding in the shadows, steps forward.
Li Mu Bozak: isn't it a bit late to be jumping off the bandwagon?
Jedi Girl: I jump on any wagon as I please.
Jedi jumps away as Bozak chases her.
Li Mu Bozak: had enough jumping? you've studied the ways of the troll but
you don't understand it.... you need a real master.
Jedi Girl: Do you think you are a real master.
Li Mu Bozak: you're my following bitch, aren't you... lol....
Bozak easily repels Jedi's attacks, reclaims his sword, and toys with her,
using a toothpick.
Li Mu Bozak: you need practice...i can teach you to troll with the black
destiny phallus...but first you must stop blowing it....it's supposed to be
used on your opponents not yourself....lol...
Jedi Girl: Why do you want to teach me?
Li Mu Bozak: the troll is strong within you but you've been corrupted by the
bitch side of the troll.... i must turn you to the evil side....the evil
side is powerful... do not ignore it....
Jedi Girl: And if I use your own trolls to troll you?
Li Mu Bozak: you can't troll me by saying the anti-guard sux... lol...
Jedi Girl: Your evil trolls are crude, abusive, and sickening! I'd rather
stick to being a bitch! Keep your lessons!
Jedi leaps away.
JEDI'S ROOM
Jane Fox: Sweetie, you're home late... or should I say early?
Jedi Yu: Why are you still here? You killed a laker fan! You'll bring ruin
to the rest of the bandwagon!
Jane Fox: They wouldn't have found me if you hadn't stolen the sword. Like a
little girl playing a computer game, you thought stealing would be fun? You
too are responsible for that death. Come with me. You don't want to waste
your life as the wife of some fisherman. As Condescending Bitch and
Following Bitch, we shall rule Usenet!
Jedi Yu: How can I leave? Where would I go?
Jane Fox: Wherever we want. We'll get rid of anyone who gets in our way.
Vanessa, Kobe, even your father. It's the Condescending Bitch style. Troll
or be trolled! Exciting, isn't it?
Jedi Yu: I owe you nothing.
Jane Fox: Yes you do. You're still my disciple.
Jedi attacks Jane.
Jane Fox: I should have known, you bandwagoner!
Jedi disables Jane by using the shark maneuver.
Jedi Yu: Don't worry, sharks don't bite. You think you've been teaching me
all these years from the "How to be a Condescending Bitch" handbook? You
couldn't even decipher the symbols.
Jane Fox: I studied the bitch side of the troll but you hid the details from
me!
Jedi Yu: No I didn't. It was right there on Deja.
Jane Fox: Don't lie! I looked everywhere on Deja for it!
Jedi Yu: Both you and Steven Carter really need to take lessons on how to
use Deja. You know your bitchiness has gone as far as it can go. I hid my
bitch-like skills from you so I wouldn't hurt your feelings.
Jane Fox: If I hadn't seen you follow Bozak around, I would still be
ignorant of all the bitch skills you've hidden from me.
Jedi Yu: Master you enchanted me with the world of the Condescending Bitch
but once I realized I could surpass you, I became frightened. I had no one
to guide me, no one to learn from, so I had to become a following bitch.
Jane Fox: Believe me, sweetie, I've a lesson or two left to teach you!
Jane takes off.
The next day.
Yu Shu Laurel: The sword is back, are you happy?
Li Mu Bozak: i had no idea how much i missed it...
Yu Shu Laurel: But it's not your sword anymore. You gave it to Sir Jack.
Li Mu Bozak: true but i must borrow it for one last troll....cyclelessjane
must die by it's edge....but did you know what you were hiding when you
covered for that bandwagoner?
Yu Shu Laurel: My job was to get back the sword without embarassing anyone.
Li Mu Bozak: i saw the bandwagoner last night...she needs direction and
training...but she refused to join the evil side of the troll..
Yu Shu Laurel: Maybe you should have told her you were her father. =) In any
case, it'll be all over soon. You'll kill Jane and Jedi will be married
soon.
Li Mu Bozak: i thought that by killfiling her... i could escape the
condescending bitch's posts but the cycle of her stooopidity continues...
Yu Shu Laurel: I wish there was more I can do to help.
Li Mu Bozak: sure... you can write my biography...
JEDI'S ROOM
Jedi is asleep when a noise awakens her.
Jedi Yu: Roy?
Roy: Jedi!
Jedi Yu: You shouldn't have come.
Roy: I was wrong to leave you. Come back with me! You'll be happy in RSBP.
With nobody posting there, we'll have the group all to ourselves!
FLASHBACK: FOUR YEARS EARLIER
Jedi holds up a pic of herself and admires it, her most prized possession.
Jedi Yu: Mom, could you teach me how to post pics on the net?
Madam Jill Yu: Ok but STOP playing with it!
Jedi Yu: I can't wait till everyone sees my pics!
Spin and a group of trolls on sharkback descend on the caravan.
Jeff: It's Spinhead! Spinhead is coming!
Roy: Don't touch the women!
SKF: Why? Would that get us some?
Roy: Of course. It worked with Jane when I rescued her, didn't it?
SKF: Good! Cuz I can't seem to impress anyone with my 2.867 GPA!
Spin approaches Jedi's carriage and steals her pic.
Jedi Yu: My pic! You know how long it took me to find someone buff enough
that was willing to let me take a pic of him?
Roy: Let's get out of here!
Jedi jumps on top a shark and follows Spin across RSBP.
Roy: Come and get your pic if you can!
Jedi Yu: You haven't seen the following bitch in action, have you? I'll
follow you all over RSBP until you give me back my pic!
Roy: You're tired. You need rest and your shark needs food. Don't worry
though, Daytona Beach is nearby. What's your name? I'm Roy but the trolls
calls me Spinhead. I'm not tall or big but I'm a freakin genius.
Jedi Yu: Give me back my pic!
Jedi attacks Spin who uses Real Audio to repel her.
Roy: These sound waves can repel any attack! I'm a genius!
They continue battling until both collapse from exhaustion.
Jedi awakens to find herself wrapped up in a Shaq blanket. Spin is outside
singing a song to the tune of the Beatles "I'm a loser".
Roy: I'm a geeeeenius. I'm a geeeeenius!
Jedi Yu: Stop! My ears are bleeding! You can't even pronounce loser, you
loser!
Roy: All this trouble for a pic?
Jedi Yu: It's mine! It means alot to me. A Shaq Jocker like you wouldn't
understand.
Roy: Hey, can you blame me for needing more toliet paper?
Jedi Yu: Give me back my pic!
Jedi lunges at Spin as they wrestle.
R-RATED SCENE CUT FOR PG-13 REQUIREMENTS
Jedi Yu: I have confession to make.
Roy: What's that?
Jedi Yu: I'm a transvestite.
Roy: What?! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Jedi Yu: I didn't think you'd have a problem with it.
Roy: What gave you that idea?!
Jedi Yu: Well you're always jamming your tongue down Shaq's throat not to
mention sucking up to him and kissing his ass. And I can only judge you by
what you post.
Roy: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Jedi Yu: I guess you're not such a genius afterall, eh? Besides, what are
you complaining about? I did all the work.
Roy: I'm getting the hell out of here!!!!!!
Jedi Yu: Where are you going?
Roy: Back to the Lakers group!
Jedi Yu: I thought you couldn't stand any of the OT posts there.
Roy: I need Wolner's OT posting to keep me distracted from thinking of this
tragedy! Wolner!!!!!! Help me!!!!!!!! I can't believe I recorded it on real
audio! I gotta delete the files!
Jedi Yu: Spinny, no matter how hard you try, you'll remember this night
forever.
Roy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Jedi Yu: You go big boy!
End of flashback.
Jedi Yu: Why did you come back here?
Roy: I'm desperate. Not only is Shaq not available but I can't seem to
impress any women with my genius.
Jedi Yu: What made you change your mind?
Roy: Don't get me wrong, I still find you repulsive! But I figured if I just
closed my eyes, it would be alright.
Jedi Yu: Sorry but you must go. Don't ever come back.
Roy: So it's over?
Jedi Yu: I found myself a new man. That Jason guy is really sexy!
Roy: Damn, my genius gimmick never works.
The next day.
Spin tells his story to Bozak and Laurel through real audio.
Yu Shu Laurel: You thought she'd give everything up and go to RSBP with you?
Roy: She's mine!
Li Mu Bozak: alright... i'll write you an introduction... take it to the
tRaider group and wait there for news from me.
JACK'S WEIGHT ROOM
Sir Jack: The sword has been STOLEN again! When will this END? They take it,
they put it BACK. They take it AGAIN! This is turning into a WWF script!
Master Jason: Jedi has run away! Laurance found her wedding chamber empty.
[g]
Laurance: (with a huge sigh of relief) Whew! that was close!
Master Jason: Governor Bullyu requires your assistance. [g]
Li Mu Bozak: don't worry... we'll handle it...
AUSTRALIAN RESTAURANT
George: Can I take your order?
Jedi Yu: Shark fin soup.
George: Uh, we don't have any shark.
Jedi Yu: Then go catch some, old man.
George: But.. they're dangerous!
Jedi Yu: Don't worry, they won't attack you.
A group of posters arrive.
Huang Gang: That's him!
Ironside Mi: I am Ironside Mi. I heard a true following bitch has arrived.
I've come to seek a lesson.
Jedi ignores him.
Jedi Yu: This ignoring stuff is fun!
Ironside Mi: You asked for it!
Jedi uses his pic to distract Ironside and quickly disposes of him.
Jedi Yu: Thought that was a porno pic, didn't you?
Flying Sonic Coz: You have amazing bitch-like abilities. Are you related to
Archie Bunker?
Jedi Yu: Archie Skunker? Sorry I eat sharks not skunks. Who could remember
such long-winded names?
Gou Jun LoOn: You claim you beat Li Mu Bozak yet you don't know his master,
Archie Bunker?
Jedi Yu: Who are you?
Gou Jun LoOn: I'm Shining LoOneYtoOn.
Jedi Yu: Jack White syndrome with your name? You'll be the first to feel my
phallus!
Viker Jing: Who are you???????????????
Jedi Yu: Who am I? I am the Bandwagoning Omni-sexual Troll. Armed with the
Black Destiny Phallus. Get on your knees, start swallowing, and beg for
mercy! I am the Following Bitch. I leave no trace. Today I troll over
Australia. Tomorrow I kick over the Laker NG!
Later that day..
Bozak and Laurel are surrounded by a bunch of posters in bandages.
Flying Sonic Coz: We politely asked for a friendly debate but she showed no
respect and attacked us!
Ironside Mi: Her sword was too powerful! Her pic was too mesmerizing!
Viker Jing: I traveled everywhere but never met anyone so
uncivilized.........
Li Mu Bozak: that tends to happen when you come from a penal colony....
laurel... we're close to the blazers group... go home and check in... i'll
catch up to you later...
LAUREL'S ROOM
Jedi Yu: Sister Laurel. I was passing by and wondered how you were.
Yu Shu Laurel: If you think of me as your sister, let me give you some
sisterly advice. You can run from your marriage but not your bandwagoning.
Jedi Yu: My parents forced me to marry!
Yu Shu Laurel: Go back to them first. Then you can decide about Roy.
Jedi Yu: You know about Roy? Where is he now?
Yu Shu Laurel: Bozak sent him to the Raiders group.
Jedi Yu: You're working together to set me up!
Yu Shu Laurel: How dare you accuse us? I always knew you had stolen the
sword but I've done nothing but protect you and your family. And you've
repaid me with nothing but contempt. You're no sister of mine!
Jedi Yu: Aw c'mon , Laurel. I was just trolling. Weren't you saying how much
you appreciated this sort of humor? But what do I care. You were never a
real friend anyway. But how long could you last as my enemy.
Jedi soars out to the front courtyard.
Yu Shu Laurel: Everyone out. Shut the doors. Fine, the friendship is over.
Laurel sends her Siberian Huskies after Jedi. Jedi sends Tiger Sharks.
Jedi Yu: You can do better than that Laurel!
Yu Shu Laurel: Fine, here come my Terraholm Border Terriers!
Jedi Yu: No problem. Go get em sharkies!
The sharks ignore the dogs.
Jedi Yu: Stupid sharks! Eat them up!
Yu Shu Laurel: I guess the sharks haven't acquired any taste for terriers
yet, eh?
Jedi Yu: Fine, I can always use the Black Destiny Phallus!
Yu Shu Laurel: Without the Destiny, you are but an amateur.
Jedi is surrounded by Laurel's dogs.
Jedi Yu: Dammit! Who let the dogs out?! Where is my duck hunt gun when I
need it?
Yu Shu Laurel: Give me the sword and I'll call them off.
Jedi Yu: Fine.
Laurel calls off the dogs and Jedi takes advantage of it by slicing her arm.
Jedi Yu: Take it!
Bozak jumps in.
Li Mu Bozak: take your hands off my phallus!
Jedi Yu: It's mine now! All mine!
Jedi leaps away as Bozak follows.
Jedi Yu: What do you want?
Li Mu Bozak: what i've said all along...to teach you... then troll you after
i'm done with you...lol
Jedi Yu: Alright. If you can take back the sword in 3 posts, I'll go with
you.
Bozak takes the sword back.
Jedi Yu: Hey no fair! Give it back!
Li Mu Bozak: kneel before your master you stupid bitch! now do you realize
how much more powerful the evil side of the troll is?
Jedi Yu: On my knees? If you say so!
Li Mu Bozak: no wait! that's not what i meant!
Jedi Yu: I'll never join the evil side of the troll! I'd rather jump on the
Clippers bandwagon!
Li Mu Bozak: you'd rather be a flower? i guess you won't be needing the
sword then...
Bozak tosses the sword into the rapids.
Jedi Yu: NOOOO!!!! What a waste of a huge phallus!
Jedi dives in after it but is surrounded by sharks.
Jedi Yu: Shit! I hope none of you sharks have tasted homosexuals before.
Jane swoops in and saves Jedi. Bozak gives chase but loses them.
ABANDONED NEWSGROUP
Jane Fox: Sooner or later, they'll drag you back to the Lakers group. Your
parents will never accept you again. So why go home? Better to jump on a
different bandwagon.
Jedi Yu: You mean you'd jump off the Lakers bandwagon as well?
Jane Fox: I'm boycotting all Laker games and products until Rick gets rid of
that greasy hair!
Jane leaves as Jedi sleeps.
Later... Jedi wakes up to find Bozak standing there. Jedi stumbles towards
Bozak and collapses.
Li Mu Bozak: you've been drugged with heroin!
Jedi Yu: I thought it was safe.
Yu Shu Laurel: What happened?
Li Mu Bozak: cycleless drugged her. how'd you get here?
Yu Shu Laurel: We followed Jane.
Suddenly a flurry of Electric Ricks flies towards Jedi as Bozak and Laurel
repel them. Jane flies in on her broomstick as Bozak bitchslaps her and then
slices her.
Li Mu Bozak: say goodbye cyclelessjane...at least both you and your father
get to go out together...maybe you'll even meet rick in heaven one day.....
Jane Fox: Sweetie, looks like you'll be joining me.
Yu Shu Laurel: A poisoned Electric Rick!
Li Mu Bozak: shit.... i got jabbed by an electric rick! now i know what it's
like to have an electric rick stuck inside of me.... oh the horror!
Jane Fox: Sweetie, I never washed that particular Electric Rick.
Li Mu Bozak: someone kill me now!
Jane Fox: Evil trolls deserve to die but I was hoping to take out Jedi
instead. Ten years I devoted to you but you deceived me! You never taught me
how to use Deja! My bitch skills never improved but your progress was
limitless. You want to know what's poison? A bandwagoning following bitch,
full of deceit! That's poison. Jedi, my only true friend in Asbnll, my only
enemy.
Jane takes in her last breath.
Jane Fox: To my friends in Asbnll. Don't be sad. I was going to die soon
anyways.
Yu Shu Laurel: You can't die! Tell us what poison you used! Tell us the
antidote. You can't let Bozak die!
Jedi Yu: She used the grease from Rick's hair.
Li Mu Bozak: it's the same poison she used to kill my master...there is no
antidote...
Yu Shu Laurel: Bozak hold on. Give me some hope.
Li Mu Bozak: why wouldn't you have any hope?
Yu Shu Laurel: It's not like my Blazers have ever given me any. Save your
strength.
Li Mu Bozak: my life is departing... i've only one breath left....
Yu Shu Laurel: Use it to troll. Free yourself of this world by posting on
Usenet. Let your soul rise into eternity with your last breath. Do not waste
it on me.
Li Mu Bozak: i've already wasted my whole life....i want to tell you with my
last breath...i've always considered you as my mom....
Yu Shu Laurel: What?! You thought all those times I defended you, I was
doing it as your mom? I wanted to get it on with a younger man! I kept
wondering what I needed to do to get your attention!
Li Mu Bozak: but mom....
Yu Shu Laurel: Go to hell you Evil Troll!
Li Mu Bozak: at least with my death, i can finally prove that the dead man is a
better player than the anti-guard....
Bozak dies. Jedi decides to take advantage.
Jedi Yu: Yes! Turd Burglar, you're mine now!
Yu Shu Laurel: Get away from him! Not only are you a pedophile but a
necrophiliac as well? Sick!
Jedi Yu: Hey, don't knock it till you tried it. There's nothing wrong with
being omni-sexual.
Yu Shu Laurel: Master Jason, take the sword back to Sir Jack.
Jedi Yu: Wait! Let me go with you big boy!
Master Jason: Get away from me bitch! [g]
Jedi Yu: Come on now. I'll make you famous.
Master Jason: Young Guns II [g]
Jedi Yu: Huh? No you misunderstood. That wasn't a movie quiz. That was my
own line. I'll make you famous, big boy!
Master Jason: I'd rather be with Bob's Big Boy than you! [g]
Yu Shu Laurel: Jedi, you must go to the Raiders group. Roy is waiting for
you.
THE RAIDER GROUP
Jedi stands on a bridge on top of the mountains, shrouded with clouds.
Jedi Yu: They say you can jump onto any bandwagon from up here. Yes! The
world is mine!
Jedi leaps into the clouds.
Master Jason: Thank Knight he's gone! Looks like I escaped this parody
unscathed.
Roy: Speak for yourself! I've been scarred for life!
