Alligan's Island

Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip

That started in this Usenet port, aboard Laurance's ship.

The mate was an idiot football player, the Chandler fat and sure.

Five passengers set sail that day for a three hour tour. A three hour tour.

The broadband connection started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed.

If not for the courage of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost. The
Minnow would be lost.

The ship set ground on the shore of this uncharted desert newsgroup,

with Aligan, the Chandler too,

 the rich guy from Santa Cruz and his bitch,

 the body builder,

 the moleculer biologist and Laurel Ann, here on Aligan's Isle.

--

Chander: Hey there little buddy!

Aligan: Little? I played football at USC! I'm not little!

Chandler: Compared to me, you are!

Laurel Ann: Oh Aligan, would you help me pick some berries?

Marshall Ginger: Forget about Laurel! Wouldn't you rather help me oil my
body?

Laurel Ann: Hey! I asked first!

Marshall Ginger: You're just jealous I have a better body than you do!

Laurel Ann: I can post fake pics too, if I wanted to!

Marshall Ginger: But instead you waste time defending your son? You make me
sick! I mean, what mother would spend so much time defending their own son?
Absolutely disgusting!

Aligan: Sorry ladies but we have a meeting to attend! We're trying to figure
a way off this island!

-

Bryan Howell III: Lovey! Hurry up! We're going to be late!

Jane: For the meeting?

Bryan: No! We're staging an anti-war rally!

Jane: Sweetie, you should be attending the meeting and donating money to
help our fellow castaways find a way off this island.

Bryan: No way! I have better things to do! I need to start spamming the
online petitions to stop the war!

-

Chandler: So anyone have any ideas?

The Molecular Biologist: Well we can't try swimming with all these sharks
around us.

Marshall Ginger: Don't you know anything about shark behavior?

Chandler: I would sink if I tried swimming! We need to try and find a way to
let people know we're stranded here!

The Molecular Biologist: We could try pretending we have oil.

Aligan: Hey look! Something's coming! It's a ship!

Laurance: Wow, I didn't know there were people on this island.

Chandler: We were stranded here for years! Would you mind giving us a lift
off of this island?!

Laurance: Sure! :-)

Aligan: Yeah! We're finally rescued!

Laurance: Wait a minute! What is this?! OJ Simpson?! This must be a penal
colony! I didn't know I landed in Australia!

Marshall Ginger: I didn't either. Shouldn't this be called Jedi's Island?

Laurance: I'm not rescuing a bunch of criminals! I'm outta here!

Chandler: Wait! Come back!

The Molecular Biologist: Al, you idiot! Look what you did!

Aligan: Branden, everything is fine. Stop being such a cynic! We'll be
rescued eventually. Ask Bill Walton! He agrees with me!

Everyone: Al, you idiot!

One week later:

Laurance: So did I tell you guys about the time I met OJ Simpson?

Jeff: No, what happened!?

Laurance: Well one day I was going sharkin' when I was suddenly attacked by
pirates! I somehow eluded them and found my way onto a penal colony! But my
ship was badly damaged! I was trying to repair my ship when suddenly OJ
Simpson and a bunch of other barbarians showed up and tried to take my ship!
I had to fight them all off! So there I was, unarmed facing seven... count
em' seven, criminals, all heavily armed!

Warped: No way!

Laurance: Way!

Jeff: So what happened?

Laurance: I was badly injured! But I somehow managed to escape in my badly
damaged ship which was taking on water! I had no choice but to dump the GF
overboard! But that didn't stop the ship from sinking, so eventually I had
to abandon ship! I had swim who knows how many miles, while eluding a bunch
of sharks!

So this is the tale of the castaways, They're here for a long, long time,

They'll have to make the best of things, listening to Branden whine,

The first mate and the Chandler too, Will do their very best,

To make the others comfortable, In the Usenet island nest.

No email, no heroin, no escalade, Not a single luxury,

Like Jedi in Australia, As primitive as can be.

So join us here each week my friends, You're sure to get a smile,

From seven stranded castaways, Here on Aligan's Isle.