He's *looking* at me again. And I hate to admit it, but it's kind of... irritating. Oh, not that he's looking, but that he's... *looking*! And I know that sounds... strange, but you'd have to see the *look* to understand what I mean. His eyes get really sad, and the corners of his mouth turn down, and he tries to smile around it whenever I catch him, and... I'm sorry, but somehow it's almost insulting!
I mean, it's like there's something bothering him, or he's *waiting* for something, and I'm *supposed* to be his *Seer*, but he won't tell me what's going on! Like I couldn't handle whatever it is! Like I'm some frail, vain, scaredy-cat of a girl who can't take the truth!
Well, okay, maybe he has reason for thinking that, considering that's exactly what I was when we first met, but... I've *changed* since then! I did research, and slayed with Buffy and her group! I fought the Mayor and his lackeys at Graduation, and God! I even dated Xander Harris! So whatever it is that he doesn't want to tell me, I think I could *handle* it! But obviously, he doesn't think so.
I guess I can understand that, though, considering his luck with telling women the truth. I mean, okay, he's had really bad luck with the women in his... life?... no, let's make that existence. But, really!
He sees some cute little blonde walking into an alley, follows her, and *WHAM*! He's a *vampire*! He roams around with that same skank-- and yes, I *did* just call her that!-- and he finds *another* girl, a brunette this time, only *this* one's psychic... so he makes her *crazy* before giving her a demon of her *very* *own*!
He happens upon a... kind of *hot*, but pathetically backwards, young poet, and makes *him* into a demon as well, and... then he feeds on the wrong girl.
Now, from what *I've* heard (and thank you, Wesley!), she was a very pretty girl, but I doubt that that was any consolation when her people gave him a soul. But they did, and he was basically screwed! He tells Darla about the soul, and she kicks him out on his cute little ass...
Now, okay, I realize that I shouldn't be feeling any pity for Angelus... it's kind of like having sympathy for the devil, and... wasn't that a song by some spandex-wearing, make-up drenched bunch of metal-boys...? Whatever. But I *do* feel kind of... I don't know exactly. I mean, I look at Angel now, and I don't want him ever to become all... *evil* again, 'cause I've *seen* that, and let me tell you, *not* fun! But I guess I can... understand.
So he's got a soul, and he goes and falls for *exactly* the wrong girl. I mean, a *Slayer*? What was he *thinking*?... Or maybe a better question is 'what was he thinking *with*'? But I guess that doesn't matter, really, 'cause... that's over with.
He wants to make amends... to redeem himself in his *own* eyes, and... I don't think that he ever can. He looks at the things he did when he was younger... well, okay, *soul-less*, and... he makes himself *crazy*! And that makes *me* even crazier!
It's *done*! There's nothing he can do to change it, and he should *know* that! The past is just that...*past*! It's not a difficult concept, but try telling *him* that. I mean, he's been all... souled... for almost a hundred years! Those people would have been dead by now, anyway, and who's to say that they wouldn't have done more harm than good? And yes, he *did* kill after he lost his soul in Bitchy the Vampire Layer, but... not exactly his fault! And then he gets the soul back, and tells Buffy that he's leaving, and she goes all... psycho-Slayer on him! And, okay, not as bad as *Faith* did, but still!
So... the *look*. I don't *like* it! It's almost like he's... expecting something unpleasant, and if *anyone* has the right to a look like that, it's *me*, 'cause I never know when I'm gonna get another one of those oh-so-fun scratch-'n'-sniff surround-sound visions! And I try not to let on, but... they're becoming harder to take. I have days where I just want to... curl into a ball and sob myself unconscious, but... he's depending on me. And I suppose that's why I keep going on. Angel's depending on me.
He's my only true best friend, you see... the only one who didn't laugh when I was reduced to living in that disgusting rat-hole I had when I first moved here... The only one who bothers to ask me how I am, and *mean* it. He's the only person who really gives a crap about me, and I'm including my oh-so-attentive parents! He's there for me, no matter what, catches me when the visions send me dropping to the floor, feeds me ibuprofen and bottled water while he strokes my forehead afterwards, and... He smiles at me sometimes, and that smile just makes it all worthwhile. I can't even imagine what my life would be like if he hadn't taken pity on me, back in the day. I don't want to even *think* about it! He's seen everything about me change, and it's mostly due to him that I've handled it as well as I have.
He coaxed me through it, disregarding his own pain, when Doyle died... held my hand as I discovered that *I* was his link to the Powers... He's fought for me more times than I care to remember, and he's always *won*! He's grown kinder in the time I've known him, his little... excursion... in to the dark side-- while Darla was lurking about-- notwithstanding, and... He's my anchor.
He's the reason I get up in the morning, the reason I bother to get dressed and drive across town. He's the reason I force myself to smile through the pain when I get another stinking vision... and he's the *only* reason I do what I do.
I've made it a part of my job, you see, to drag at least one smile from him every day, and... it's not because he bought me clothes-- although that was *very* cool, and he really *does* have wonderful taste-- and honestly, it wasn't really the *clothes* that I was so excited about. No, it was that... he'd actually *listened* to me. He listened, and he did what he could, in that 'guy' way, to make it up to me. No, it wasn't the clothes, it was that he... *cared*!
I mean, I always knew he did, but... it was the first time he'd *shown* it since he bought me that 'World's Greatest Actress' statuette, and... Okay, so I'm gushing. Sue me. But the point is, he *cares*, and I think maybe... I'm his best friend, too?
And, you know, there was a time, back when the whole 'vision' thing started, when I would have given *anything* to be free of them... to be able to just turn my back on all of the darkness, and the danger, but... that was *then*, and... No matter how hard it gets; no matter how much I sometimes wish I could just... curl up and die... this is my life now.
Cordelia Chase, shopper extraordinaire, bitch-goddess of Sunnydale High, Queen of the Snobs, is officially *dead*! And like a Phoenix, rising from the ashes (and thanks again, Wesley, for that oh-so-dramatic turn of phrase!), a new Cordelia has risen, only... This Cordelia knows the darkness better than she knows the light. She's comfortable there, and has made a place for herself at the side of the world's *only* souled vampire. She's smart, and stronger than she ever thought she could be, and... She's in love.
Surprising, I know, but... there it is. He's my best friend, and I *love* him, more than I ever thought was possible for me... and even if the Powers snatched the visions from my usually aching head right *now*, I wouldn't be going *anywhere*!
It's like I told Harmony... I have a purpose here... a calling, if you will. Of course, what I *didn't* tell her is that that purpose is to make him smile... make him see that he's not as alone as he seems to believe. And every time he does something in an effort to make me happy, I'm going to tell him I love him, because I *do*.
I spend a lot of time wishing that damned clause to his curse wasn't there anymore... wondering if maybe he could ever feel the same way for me, but... I guess it doesn't really matter. It's enough to spend my days-- and most of my nights, too-- with him and the others, and...
God... he's here. He's battered, and bruised, but he's smiling, so I know that it's all good out there, and... I just wish he'd stop giving me that *look*!
End