Pretending Not To
© 2001 Tisienne Blue
NOTES: this one starts where the season finale (S2) ends... if you haven't seen it, then don't read it (unless you don't mind a few spoilers). Oh, and * *= emphasis.
Okay, so my mind was still spinning when we walked into the Hotel, because... Cordelia Chase-- the girl I *love*-- loves that big, stupid, lumbering *oaf* of a 'Groosalug'. And what kind of name is that, anyway? I mean, Groosalug! It sounds like some kind of particularly nasty parasite! Something you might find eating away at your rose garden... 'What happened to your roses, Auntie Beth?' 'Oh, the groosalug got them.' Not that I ever *had* an 'Auntie Beth', but still! She *loves* him; she *said* so! And for a moment, I actually thought she was talking to me.
But she wasn't. She made that very clear. She turned away from me, and wrapped her arms around that... *thing*, and then she... *ignored* *me*! She's *my* Seer, and she *ignored* me! And somehow, that was even worse than watching her let Groosalug *touch* her. I swear, I really wished-- in that moment-- that I'd just *killed* the bastard in the first place!
But the thing that I became in that world-- in Pylea-- that isn't me, really. That was the distilled, pure form of the demon living within me, and... as much as I would have liked to stay there for the sunlight alone, I just couldn't take the chance that someday that beast would control me for good. Besides, if we *had* stayed, Cordelia would have 'mated' with that funny-eyed *freak*... or more likely, I would have killed him, and she would have hated me forever, so... Fred found the right books, and she managed to bring us all *home*!
Now, Fred is an odd one. Of course, I suppose she has every *right* to be just a bit... off. After all, she was yanked from the LA Public Library, and plunked down in the middle of a joyless world, where her kind-- *Cordelia's* *kind*-- were considered to be nothing more than cattle! She was made a slave, and forced to wear a collar, and... somehow she managed! For five years that we know of-- because who can be sure that time even moves the same way there as it does here?-- she kept herself relatively sane. She escaped her 'owners', disabled her slave collar, and made herself a place. Now, granted, it was basically a big hole in a pile of rocks, but... it was *hers*. And she never stopped trying to find a way home, even when she wasn't entirely sure that 'home' existed! So, yes, Fred is a little... *strange*, but... she impresses the hell out of me none the less.
So, in any case, we all walked into the Hotel, and I was trying to be cute, and funny, but... 'There's no place like... Willow...' wasn't exactly my plan. Yet, that was exactly what I said, because... there she was! The last person I ever expected to see! Well, okay, maybe not the *last*, but she was definitely way down on the list. But she was there, and she stared at me speechlessly for just a moment, a look of sad horror in her eyes, and... I just *knew*. "It's Buffy." I said, feeling shell-shocked.
It had been so long since I'd given any real thought to the girl I'd once loved, mostly because just as she'd moved on, so had *I*, but... A small part of me had always imagined her to indestructible, and that part was now... *raging*.
I stepped away from my friends, and moved quickly across the lobby before stopping directly in front of the smallish redhead, my hands tight on her shoulders. "How did it happen?" I demanded, and as she began to explain, I sat down shakily on the couch, my head in my hands. I should have been there. I should have been helping the old gang to defeat the demon bitch-god! But instead...? Well, instead, I'd been off in a world where I'd enjoyed the sunlight; where I'd been-- for a *little* while, anyway-- a celebrated warrior! I'd been fawned over by Lorne's mother, and looked on as a hero by children, and... while I'd been doing all *that*, the Slayer had been facing a power that she'd had no *hope* of defeating, and *I* *should* *have* *been* *there*! I should have helped her, even if there wasn't anything between us anymore! And I wasn't. It was almost enough to *break* me, and chances are, it *might* have, but... Then I felt the couch dip beside me, and I felt her warm, elegant fingers rubbing soothingly down my back, and I smelled the distinctive scent of my Cordy, and... I stiffened my spine, and forced myself to think again.
I wasn't there because I'd been trying to save my Seer. And yes, I'd initially enjoyed my time in Pylea, but that didn't matter because I'd been there for a *purpose*, and that purpose had been to bring back the woman I love.
That I'd managed to *accomplish* that task did a lot to salve my guilty conscience. After all, Buffy *had* told me to leave 'her town' to her, and she'd never told me about what was going on. And neither had any of the *other* Scoobies, Willow included. I'd done what I'd *had* to do, based upon the knowledge I'd possessed, and honestly? I don't think that I could have done things any differently, because... if it came down to a choice between Cordelia or Buffy being the one laying in the cold, hard ground? Well, I almost hate to say it, but... Buffy was my past, and while Cordelia may not be *my* future, she is definitely *the* future.
I *love* her, more than I ever knew was possible, and if she'd actually *died* in Lorne's dimension? I don't think I would have made it back myself.
But she *didn't* die, and that was the one thing that pulled me from my funk. "I... I'm so sorry, Willow," I said softly, reaching out to the girl.
She flew at me, and hugged me hard. I guess she was thinking that I was just being stoic, because when she pulled away, she stared deep into my eyes, and told me that she'd be by the phone if I needed to*talk*.
I thanked her, of course, but told her that I thought I'd manage to get through the pain on my own, and I almost smiled when Cordelia told her that she'd *help*! But I stood, instead, and walked the little witch to the door.
We said good-bye, and hugged again, and then I sent her back to Sunnydale, and the girl I could smell all over her.
Now, I don't want to give the wrong impression, because I really *was* upset that Buffy was dead, but... I was also glad that it wasn't Cordy, and it so easily *could* have been! Buffy was a shining soul; an amazing force for good in this world, and I will always miss knowing that she is *in* this world. But season change, and life goes on, and... it wasn't *Cordy*!
But it was Cordelia's hand that stroked my back again, and her voice that asked me if I was all right, and it was the kindness within her that offered to stay at the Hyperion that night, if I didn't want to be alone.
Gods, how I wish I could have taken her up on that, but... I shook my head slowly, and told her I'd be fine.
The others took more convincing, but eventually, they decided that I wasn't 'suicidal vamp-man', even Fred, who had no idea of what was going on, but apparently sensed that something had happened to shake her new 'family'. But they finally left, and I sat back down on this couch, wondering how long I was going to have to wait.
Unfortunately, even two hundred and forty-seven years hasn't made me a particularly patient guy, so... "Come out, Spike," I said, still sitting. I just... *looked* at him for a moment when he walked from the kitchen doorway, and opened my arms as he ran to me.
And that's how I came to be in this position, sitting in my lobby, while my most favoured-- and most *annoying*-- childe sobs his heart out against me. I don't know what he's doing here; I don't know what's got him so upset... hell, I don't even know why he smells of *animal* blood. But I *do* know he's hurting, for whatever reason, and... I know that he needs me right now. I *also* know that his cool, hard body, tight in my arms, is no substitution for the soft, *warm* one of my *Seer*.
Of course, it's probably a good thing that she's not here... after all, she loves another. A *groosalug*, of all things!
End.