I've known her for what seems like ages, although it hasn't really been more than a few years, and... I've watched her for all that time. I watched her trying to hide her kindness, and dignity, and strength-- with varying degrees of success-- throughout the time I knew her when she was still in High School, observed her struggles to become more than she'd ever thought to be once she left.
And yet, she somehow made it seem so easy, even throughout all the hardships, and the tests thrown at her... She's loved, and she's lost, and I *know* that she's hoped-- and probably even *prayed*-- for a *happy* ending to the drama her life has become. And it *has* been a *drama*. I mean, *look* at it! She's lost everything! Her money, her popularity, her... dreams!
So she got out of High School, broke because of her father's stupidity... moved to L.A. to become an actress... was targeted as *food* by that bastard Russell Winters... went to work to try saving the world some *more*! She met a guy-- a *good* guy-- and he was taken from her with scarcely a moment's notice, but he sure did leave her something to remember him by... she gets *visions*! Long, hard, scary visions that I don't think I could stand, but... does she complain?... Well, yeah, but... not in the 'Why can't I give them back, why me' kind of way (or at least-- not anymore...)! No, these days she worries that maybe they're taking too much out of her... that she isn't able to give enough to the fight because they *hurt* so much...
She's been impregnated with demon-spawn, almost driven mad when Vocah made her visions ceaseless, and... oh, yeah, she had another kind of demon gestating in her *head*, and had herself a *third* *eye* while it *was*! And all this on *top* of her regular duties, and... I don't know how she does it!
I don't know how she manages to show up for work every day with a smile on her face, or how she always tries to make the rest of us feel better! I only know... I almost lost her. More than once. And I know that I couldn't handle that... to wake up and try to go about my business each day without seeing her would be... impossible for me now.
I've grown accustomed to her face... to her voice... to the small, slightly annoyed smile she gives me when she *knows* I'm feeling... sad, or lonely, or even just depressed. I've gotten used to seeing her, and hearing her (sometimes sardonic) laugh, and to... feeling happy just because she's nearby! And I've got to be honest with myself, it worries me because I know exactly what it means.
I know what it means that I look forward to her company; that I sometimes do things, deliberately, just to make her react to me. I know what it means that one of my main goals each day is to bring a smile to her lips, and... if that smile is directed at *me*? Well, I know what it means that I can't help but smile back!
She's changed me completely, and without even trying, and... I love her!
I can barely even *think* the words, much less *say* them, but that doesn't make them any less true. I *love* her! She means more to me than anyone, or anything, ever has, and... I can't bear to think of the day she'll be gone. Because I know that day is coming.
One of these days, the Powers are going to realize that they've heaped far too much upon one delicate mortal, and... they'll take her 'sight'. And when that happens, why would she ever stick around?
She'll be able to pursue her dream of acting then... she'll have the chance to put all of the darkness, and danger, and heart-ache behind her, and... she's a smart girl, so she'll leap at the opportunity. Of course... I really don't blame her! I'd do the same, if it were an option for me, but... it isn't. I don't know any other way; this is my *life*; my *world*! I can't do anything *but* oppose the evil out there, especially since I know that by doing so, I make the daylight world-- the world she will one day re-enter-- a safer place!
But I'll miss her.
And I think she knows it's coming, too... the day that she'll be able to just... walk away. I think she sees it in my eyes every time she catches that *look* on my face. And I know she pretends that she doesn't know what it means-- the look, I mean,-- but she does... I *know* she does, because she always asks me what I'm thinking, and... I'd love to tell her, but how can I?
How can I tell her that I'm thinking about how empty I'll feel... how lost and alone I'll be... when she's not here anymore?
How can I tell her that *she's* the reason I keep fighting? That she's the reason I continue to *care*? How can I tell her that she's my best friend, and that I love her more than life itself? And how, God... please, tell me... how can I tell her that when she dies-- hopefully many years from now-- I'll be following right behind her in a radiant burst of flame and ash, just because the idea of existing in a world without her is anathema to me? Because I *will*, I love her that much.
So... *fuck* redemption. Fuck my 'shanshu'. None of that matters anymore. I'll stay on the narrow path, destroying the darkness and feeding the light, but not because of any vague *promises* of 'someday'... Oh, no... it'll be because I love Cordelia Chase, and... that's what she wants me to do.
End.