STAR WRECK

Act I

INTRO(sound)

          Space �the final fronteer �. These are the voyages of the starship Crusader . Its continuing mission �to find new worlds and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before �.

          The prophecy was true �. The war between the humans and the Protoss  is rapidly expanding �. There is only one person that can lead our armies into battle � a great, fearless and mighty one �. It is captain �

JANE: Jane Look Picard � sucks! Who wrote this on the bathroom wall?   Lt. Bartholomeu Wolfstein Von Trouble come here on the double!

(Wolf enters through B.)

WOLF: Reporting in sir� �� � ma�am.

J : Go and fetch me the chief of the major importance institute for extremely dangerous biological weapons research right away!

W : I�m sorry sir� �� � ma�am. He�s busy with a life-and-death matter. He is trying to solve  the only unanswered question of the human race.

J : Is he trying to change the time-space continuum, again? Last time we couldn�t use our toilets for 2 (two) weeks.

W : Neah � it�s more important than that. He�s trying to set his VCR clock!

J : Then take the rest of the crew and deatomize the markings on the bathroom wall. But what ever you do, DO NOT read them.

W : But how will we know what to deatomize?

J : Aaa �, hell deatomize the whole wall.

W : Aye, aye captain sir� �� � ma�am.

(Wolf leaves through B & Doc. enters through B)

J : (turns to Doc) What�s up Doc?

D : Not much. I�ve just heard from our research team on Sarrus 5.

J : And what do they say?

D : I don�t quite know yet. We�ve just received the message. I�m waiting for it right now. I�ve sent cadet Drake to bring it to me as soon as it is finished.

(cadet Drake enters through A)

S : Here is the message Doc! It is still warm from the transmission decoder (gives the raport  to Doc)

D : Lets see what is says!

J : Here says just S.O.S. What could this mean?

SK : If I may, captain sir����ma�am, when I was in the army we had a motto.

J : And what was it commander Striker?

SK : It said : Shoot on sight, sir����ma�am.

J : So??

SK : S.O.S. � Shot on sight�.. doesn�t this ring a bell?

D : If they were a military division I would�ve understood, but they don�t even know how to use weapons. This is why they had this emergency line for.

S : I�m sorry to contradict you all but I�m the only one here who knows the answer!

D : And how�s that?

S : It is written right here in the pocket-size strategic abbreviation dictionary. It says: S.O.S. �Save Our Souls.

SK  : I think we should send a crew to investigate captain sir����ma�am.

J : Wait a moment. Isn�t with them lt. Garry Cheater? He is the one who beat the creap out of us at Lunar Bridge. We still owe him  6000 credits!

S : Captain sir����ma�am, I forgot to tell you. This is the rest of the message.(pulls out a piece of paper and gives it to Doc.)

D : � send rescue ship immediately � can�t last longer� and �6000 credits � with interest too�signed G.C.

J : This Cheater is a complete jerk. Don�t send anything, understood commander?

SK : But�

J : No buts. Follow my orders exactly!

SK : Yes sir����ma�am.

J : Doc! You and cadet Drake go and see if they are willing to forget about the credits and only then send a rescue ship!

D : O.K. sir����ma�am.

MEGABYTE : Excuse me captain, there is a something you should know. (babbling)

J : Whoa � slow down. I got it, you wanna  play sharades!

(LaForge enters through A).

F : Captain sir� �� � ma�am I have something urgent to tell you!

J : Not now. Don�t you see I�m busy? This low excuse for a human being is trying to tell me something. Help me figure it out. (both turn to MByte)

J: How many words?

Mb: (shows 4 fingers ).

J: First word sounds like�

Mb: (mimes a window-washer)

F: (looks in another direction and is corrected by  J)

J: Look here!

F: Window washer?

Mb: (nods �NOT�)

F: Maybe not�

Mb: (nods �YES�)

J: Not?�

Mb: (thumbs up and shows the second finger). (points his fazer to Striker; Sk is scared)

F: You want to kill him?

MB: ~

F: Destroy, disable, deactivate �?

J: Don�t you see he�s trying to deatomize him?

Mb: (thumbs up and shows the third finger)

Mb: (mimes 'wall')

J : Damn that�s hard! (J turns to Sk). Hey, call for counselor Rita. She is needed on the bridge.

F: Look, he�s trying to get out of something!

Mb: (No)

F: Then you�re trying to get in.

Mb: (strikes with his fist the invisible wall)

J: Are you out of your mind?� Do you want to break the invisible wall?

Mb: (Yes, yes)

J : Lets revise everything : Not deatomize wall? Why?

(Rita enters through A)

J : Come and help us figure this word.

Mb:(thinking)

R: Danger

J: Where, where?�

### Computer � Pressure in bathroom compartment is destabilising. Existent life forms disappearing�

 J : Whoops � I think I did a boo-boo!

F : Captain sir� �� � ma�am. Do you remember the trouble that the 'I love you' bug caused on Earth in year 2000?

J : Yes. I�m glad we don�t have that problem anymore.

F : Well�. I wouldn�t say that. In Earth years we are on the 31^st December 9999 and (watching at his watch) in a few moments we�ll be in the year 10.000�

J : And ?

F : Well� our computers will shut down because of the similar bug.

### Computer - Date mismatch in system files � Switching to emergency procedure... Emergency procedure failed ... Iminent shutdown in T- 30,29, 28, kzzz, 3, 2,1 �

 (Lights go out and curtain falls)

 End of Act I

(The host of the show enters)

H: Due to an unexpected computer failure we interrupt this program for a brief moment, but don�t go away, there�s more�. And now a word from our sponsor:

Have you ever had trouble with your fazer? Did it let you down in life-or-death situations?�.. now Spacely�s Industries proudly present the �BIONIC CHARGE�,  a new and revolutionary charge that is assured to last longer than you have ever imagined. And don�t forget � the BIONIC CHARGE is now available for just 99.99 and special offer for the people in the audience only 49.99 with money back guarantee.

And now for a little demonstration�

#(The host �shoots� somebody from the audience with the fazer)

Act II

(MBYTE enters cautiously with a fazer in his hand. He waves the others to follow him. He accidentally shoots himself with the fazer)

### fazer noise �

J : Are you all right MegaByte?

MB (so and so. All enter the stage)

F: What could�ve happened? One moment we were on the ship and the next one we found ourselves down here�

J : Have you figured out where we are counselor?

R (meditating) We are in �.. Romulandia.

F : How can you be so sure? Did you have a vision or something?

R : That �. And I read the sign over there.

(Meanwhile MB sees some gypsies)

J : (towards MByte)What�s the matter MByte?

(MByte points to the gypsies.)

J : Who goes there?!

Z (angry) :�Yeckem� (and spits)

J (towards MByte): MByte translate.

MB : She said �Hello�(babbling )

J : Counselor please speed him up a bit.

R : I�ll try to read his mind to see what he is thinking. (reads his mind and starts babbling )

Z : All rights all readyz. I hasn�t got all day.* Don�t worry I can speak your language.

F : Can you really speak our language?

Z : Dooh� is me speaking to myself here? Come and join us by the fire. Is warmer then there. Don�t be frightened, we�re peaceful people. (the gypsy behind Z kills another one with a knife)

J : I�m captain Jane Look Picard and this is my crew.

Z : I am Zambilica* and I can tell you the future. I just have to read the bumps on your head. (puts her hand on Rita�s head) Uuuh �no bumps�No problem, we make some. (lifts a pan an tries to hit Rita)

R : No thanks, it isn�t necessary.

Z : Then perhaps you would like your palm read(red)?

R : No.

Z : Blue then?� the color don�t matter.

R : Certainly not. But I was wondering who is this handsome man?

Z : He is my dangerously beautiful lover, Bulibasa*.

F : Madame, I�m sorry to interrupt but we have important business to attend to.(towards Jane) Captain sir ����ma�am we must find a way to return to our ship as soon as possible.

R: We must hurry!

### crickets in the background

J : Yeah, but how?

Z : There�s only one person around here that can help you. I could take you to him.

J : So, lets go.  What are we waiting for?

Z : I usually don�t say this but I don�t live on air you know!

R : Captain sir ����ma�am, what can we give her? I�ve got a 50 credits card.

F : Lucky me I brought mine too.

J : And with what I�ve got makes 102 credits. Will this be enough? This is all what we have on us right now.

Z : Mmm� I think that will do? But first I have to summon the spirits to protect us out there.

J : O.K. but be quick about it.

Z : (Z makes an incantation).At the beginning I said the name of this place, and then I repeated the names of all our 200 gods 4 times. Now do you understand?

F : I see it is getting darker, we should get moving captain sir ����ma�am.

(All get up and follow Z. LaForge goes toward the audience but is corrected by MB

 (Lights go out and curtains fall.)

(The gypsy killed in the previous act comes with the knife in his chest)

X₁**: Is there a doctor in the house?!�.

X₂ : I�m a doctor!

X₁ :Please man� help me�.. I�m dying. (he�s dragged out by security)

The host enters again. (somebody comes and gives him a note) I have a little announcement to make :The owner of a car with this licence number VL-13-SOS please follow that gentleman out. I think you have a problem.... Wait a moment�, that�s my car! And now lets get back to our show!

Act III

(S knocks a bottle down from the table) : Oh my god what have I done, my formula is ruined, it took me 20 years to complete it. Now I'll never find a better recepie for limonade!

SCIENTIST : God what dreadful life�I can�t stand it anymore. I have to get out of here�.(plays with the test tubes)� I�m stuck here for the rest of my life just with an assistant and believe me she is no Albert Einstein� Hey Stacey! Come here!

ASSISTANT : (enters through B) You called master?

S : No� I was just talking to myself.

A : I�m sorry sir. I�ll go now.

S : No� wait you numb-skull. I need you.

A : Do I really have to do this again sir? I thought you were tired. (She begins to undress)

S : Shut up and listen! Go and fetch me the book in the second box.

A : Well sir�

S : Don�t tell me �you forgot again which is the second box. It�s the one after the first box!

(Stacey goes to find the second box and exits through  B. Z cautiously enters through A)

(Maverick turns by mistake towards A and sees Z.)

S : Who dares traspass my property?

Z : Oh� shut up you�You don�t have any property.

S : Yes. I know, but I like the way it sounds.

Z : I was passing by and I thought I�d drop in for a moment. Aren�t you glad to see me?

S : I would�ve been glad if you droped dead�

Z : You aren�t funny. I brought you something you might use.

S : If I told you once I told you a thousand times� This is no place for a witch and her desgusting little tricks!

(Stacey comes back with a book and places it on the table)

Z : What tricks are you talking about? I know magic!

S : Stacey� show her the door.

A : There is the door, miss.

S : Not the door you ... the way out.

A : After the door you go left� I think� and you find the way out.

S : (�rips� his hair off)I think I�m gonna be sick.

(Mbyte enters followed by Jane, Rita & LaForge)

Z : Calm down old ghizer. These are the ones I�ve told you about.

F : Captain sir����ma�am, I don�t think were in (Kansas anymore), I mean in the right place.

S : (with a sinister laugh) You�re in the right place all right. (to Stacey) Stacey prepare the chain and some rope!

A : Which chain do you want? The big one or the other?

S : But we don�t have 2 (two) sets of chains!

A : And the one on the chainsaw what is it then?

S : Don�t tell me!? You took it off again. You�re unbeliveble!! Hurry now, these people aren�t waiting for you.(A exits through B)

J : You don�t even know us and you want to kill us?

S : No�what did you think? I�m trying to see Fox Chanell and down here I need some iron chains and a rope to catch the frequency.

J : Thank god�

S : But allow me to introduce myself. I�m Maverick the genius scientist (Stacey returns)

### thunder

J : Nice to meet you� I guess� I'm Jane Look Picard. This is counselor Rita� lt. LaForge and �

A : And who is that hunk of man over there?

J : I was just going to say. This is my personal android, MegaByte.

S : Android you said?� Well, well � please make yourselves comfortable.( shows them the seats)

Z : Heeeeeelloooooo, is anybody listening to me. Am I talking to myself again? Hey Maverick, I�m waiting for my reward�

(Meanwhile Mb goes off line and tends to fall from side to side. LaForge tries to catch him.)

S : Stacey, go and give her what she deserves.

A : Right away master.(Stacey and Z exit through B; Z is killed by Stacey)

J : I�ve been told that you could help us.

S : Ain�t it funny!� I�ve been told the same thing!

R : Captain sir����ma�am, may I remind you that we don�t have much time.

J : Why is that counselor?

R : Today is laundry day and if we don�t get in time for  dinner we�ll be stuck with our laundry for the rest of the month.

F : Are they on strike again?

J : I don�t know and I don�t want to know. Do you remember what happened to poor Jimmy?� I heard he ended up eating his laundry.

F : Man�. What can laundry do to people!!

J (to Maverick) : So?� how can you help us?

S : I think it is better to say I�ll help you if you help me.

R : How�s that?

S : You give me the android and I can send you wherever you want!

J : I�ve got really attached to him. We won�t give him to you!

S : What do you say if I�ll throw in some gummy packs for you to chew on your way home, or wherever you will end up?

F : Captain sir����ma�am, I think there is something he should know...

S : What�s that?

J : Oh.. yeah� He has a speech disorder.(Stacey enters through B)

S : No problem. We can fix that. Stacey!

A : Just one moment sir ( Stacey wipes her hands full of blood )

S : Go and bring me the bottle on the left.

A : Left??

S : Right!!

A : Right�O.K.(Stacey goes to take the bottle from the RIGHT and gives it to Maverick)

S : Stacey! Give me that and you�ll have the rest of the day off!

A : Thank you very much master.

S : Lets see now�Drink this! ( gives it to Mb, Mb drinks it)

Mb: Neah...

S: (Picks up a screwdriver) Drink!

Mb: Ok (drinks the stuff)

F : Are you all right MegaByte?!

MB (with a normal voice): But of course. I couldn�t be better!

S (happy) : It works, it works! I can�t believe it! It really works!

### alleluia 

J : Now he is all yours. It�s time you respect your part of the bargain.

S : Just one moment.(he pulls out of his pocket  some things  and a bra) I wander how this got in here?

R : But how  can you send us back home?

S : What universe are you living in? With this here handy-dandy, do-it yourself teleporting kit!( he shows a small box)�And this is its natural size ( points to something backstage )

R : But how �.

S : Did I do this? Simple. Instructions are on the back. Stand back, I�m starting the  activating sequence now. I hope this time it will work.

F : What do you mean?

S : Well� last time I used this, I ended down here.

F : Is that so? Than I think I forgot to tell you that if MegaByte isn�t within a 10-mile range from the captain he will explode!

S : This can�t be happening to me. You tricked me. Take your android and leave this place immediately. (Jane, Rita, LaForge and MegaByte listen to computer voice) 

### Computer

COMPUTER VOICE :  Starting nuclear reactor �����successful

Preparing 3 (three) persons for teleportation�.

T-1 minute till activating transfer sequence�.

??R (meditating ): I wonder what they are thinking?

*??J : �I still haven�t found out who�s written that markings on the bathroom wall.�

??F : �What I wouldn�t give to see the captain naked!!�

??MB : �MMI modula approaching space station Mercury. Over�

??A : �What was my name again? Was it Fluffy or Muffy, or maybe Daffy??? What was I thinking again?"

??S : �Who are they to think they can trick me? I�ll show them! I�ll push these buttons and��

COMPUTER VOICE : T-3�2�1�transfer sequence activated (teleportation sound)

(lights go out and curtains falls)

The host comes

News flash : A dangerous subject has just escaped from the maximum security hospital for mentally disturbed people. He is 5.9 feet, has dark hair, dark eyes, likes to wear fancy suits and usually acts like a news reporter. Be advised to avoid him if possible. The hospital will pay a handsome reward for his return*.

 (People in the audience shout: Hey, that's him! Get him!)

And now back to our show.

Act IV

R: I don�t think we�re in Romulandia anymore!

J: I have the feeling that that dirty double-crossing, good for nothing, low down mad scientist stood us up.

F: Mad scientist my foot. The guy was mad. Just mad!

MB: At least he cured my speech disorder (at the end he speaks like a snake -hissing-). What? Sufferin� sucatheads� Ratz.

F: You and your big mouth!

### monster in background

J (scared): Who was that?

F: Rather, what was that...

###    thunder

J: MegaByte, see if you can get us out of here!

R: Captain sir���ma�am, what is that strange red cloud over there?

J: I don�t know. LaForge analyze!

F (looking in another direction- obviously) It looks like a giant magnetic storm is heading our way. We must head for cover right now!

MB: I found ourselves a cave (hissing).

J: Let�s go!  (exit through A)

###thunder (just the voices are heard)

J: Hey, is this cave moving, or is it just my impression?

R: Captain sir���ma�am, I don�t think this is a cave. I think this is alive!

###monster noises + fazers

(J enters through A shooting with a fazer)

J: Take that you man-eating alien creature! (J falls down - courtains are dropped)

End of Act IV

The host :

Is this the end of our heroes?�

Will they be crushed to death by the jaws of an alien man-eating creature?�

Will I get paid for this job?�

Tune in next time to find out the answers to this questions and more.

CREDITS (said also by the host)

LOCAL CREW:

Cast

Captain Jane Look Picard (J):

Counselor Rita Freeman (R):

Lieutenant Jordy LaForge (F):

Android MegaByte (MB):

Lieutenant Wolfstein von Trouble (W):

Commander Clark Striker (SK):

Doctor Barbara Gordon (D):

Cadet Susan Drake (S):

Zambilica (Z):

Bulibasa & Ghiocel (2 gypsies)

Mad Scientist Maverick (S):

Dumb � beautiful assistant Stacey (A):

Sound director :

Make-up:

Special Fx:

Host of our show- yours truly �

People to blame for this play� The writers, directors, stunt coordinators, and producers of this play: Cosmin Vasile & Adrian Popa.

Sets: Act I - The set is the deck of the Enterprise. Mb sits at the console nearest to A. The console nearest to B is empty and Sk is in the back. The act begins only with Mb and Sk.

Act II - An alien planet. Nearest to B is a fire where the gypsies are. Z is the chief gypsie.

Act III - The mad scientist's laboratory. A table close to B full of test tubes and paper. Three chairs in front of this table. The act begins only with S.

Act IV - A hostile alien planet. The set should contail rocks, branches, leaves, etc.