STAR WRECK
Cast
Captain Jane Look Picard: 
	an irresponsible character in charge of USS Crusader
Counselor Rita Freeman:
	a psychic character able to read people’s minds
Lieutenant Jordi LaForge: 
	black, beautiful, blonde, blind guy, who always looks in the wrong direction
Android MegaByte: 
	stiff, mechanical, and has a speech disorder; he’s always babbling
Lieutenant Wolfstein von Trouble: 
	tough, well built, obedient
Commander Clark Striker: 
	regular guy
Doctor Barbara Gordon:
	a coquette character
Cadet Susan Drake: 
	childish, cheerful
Zambilica: 
	gypsy woman, with magical powers; she speaks very bad English
Bulibasa : 
	gypsy man, chief of the gypsies, he is tall dark and skinny; lover of Zambilica
Ghiocel: 
	gypsy man, weights more than the whole crew (very fat)
Dionis:
	gypsy man, a well-known cheater
Mad Scientist Maverick: 
	a nerdy character, must have a dose of madness; he wears a lab coat
Dumb – beautiful assistant Stacey: 
	the name says it all! Must be beautiful and barely wears clothes
Host of the show:
	Anybody who looks good in a suit

ACT I

to stage

Backstage

A					      B

SET
The deck of the USS Crusader can be built by using 4 desks and 5 chairs. A set of “Christmas tree lights” can be used as warning lights in the back. At the front desk Lt. Megabyte is typing at a keyboard and in the back Lt. Striker is acting busy. There is a glass of water on MegaByte’s desk. The curtain is drawn when the music begins…

(This message is heard on the Star Trek Theme song)
(sound): Space… The final frontier… These are the voyages of the starship Crusader. Its continuing mission … to find new worlds and new civilizations… to baldly go where no one has gone before…
(sound): The prophecy was true… The war between the humans and the Protoss is rapidly expanding… There is only one person who can lead our armies into battle… The brave… fearless… and mighty one… It is captain…
(sound): # the sound of a toilet flushing

JANE: Jane Look Picard … sucks!?! Who wrote that on the bathroom wall? …  Lt. Bartholomew Wolfstein Von Trouble come here on the double!
(Wolf enters from B walking like Godzilla. The glass of water on MegaByte’s desk starts shaking)
WOLF: Reporting in sir… îî … ma’am.
JANE : Go and fetch me the chief of the major importance institute for extremely dangerous biological weapons research right away.
WOLF : I’m sorry sir… îî … ma’am. He’s busy with a life-and-death matter. He is trying to solve the only unanswered question of the human race.
JANE : Is he trying to alter the time-space continuum, again? Last time we couldn’t use our toilets for two weeks.
WOLF : Neah … it’s more important than that. He’s trying to set his VCR clock.
JANE : Then take the rest of the crew and deatomize the markings on the bathroom wall. But what ever you do, DO NOT read them.
WOLF : But how will we know what to deatomize?
JANE : (unable to reach a conclusion) …, hell, deatomize the whole wall.
WOLF : Aye, aye captain sir… îî … ma’am.
(Wolf leaves through B and Doctor Barbara Gordon comes in through B)
JANE : (turns to Doc) What’s up Doc?
DOC : Not much. I’ve just heard from our research team on Sarrus 5.
JANE : And what do they say?
DOC : I don’t quite know yet. We’ve just received the message. I’m waiting for it right now. I’ve sent cadet Drake to bring it to me as soon as it is finished.
(Cadet Susan Drake enters through A)
CADET : Here is the message Doc! It is still warm from the transmission decoder (she gives Doc the report)
DOC : Let’s see what it says!
JANE : Here says just S.O.S. What could this mean?
STRIKER : If I may, captain sir…îî…ma’am, when I was in the army we had a motto…
JANE : And what was it, commander Striker?
STRIKER : It said : “Shoot on sight”, sir…îî…ma’am.
JANE : So??
STRIKER : S.O.S. … Shot on sight….. doesn’t this ring a bell?
DOC : If they were a military division I would’ve understood, but they don’t even know how to use weapons! This is why they had this emergency line for.
CADET : I’m sorry to contradict you, but I’m the only one here who knows the answer!
DOC : And how’s that?
CADET : It is written right here in the pocketsize strategic abbreviation dictionary. It says: S.O.S. – Save Our Souls.
STRIKER : I think we should send a crew to investigate, captain sir…îî…ma’am.
JANE : Wait a moment… Isn’t with them lt. Garry Cheater. He is the one who beat the creep out of us at Lunar Bridge. We still owe him 6000 credits.
CADET : Captain sir…îî…ma’am, I forgot to tell you. This is the rest of the message. (she takes out a piece of paper and gives it to Doc.)
DOC : (reads with difficulty) … send rescue ship immediately … can’t last longer… and …6000 credits … with interest too…signed G.C.
JANE : This Cheater is a complete jerk. Don’t send anything, understood commander?
STRIKER : But…
JANE : No buts. Follow my orders exactly.
STRIKER : Yes sir…îî…ma’am.
JANE : Doc! You and cadet Drake go and see if they are willing to forget about the credits and only then send a rescue ship.
DOC : O.K. sir…îî…ma’am. (Doc and Cadet Susan Drake exit through B)
MEGABYTE : (talks babbling) Excuse me captain, there is a something you should know.
JANE : Whoa … slow down. I got it, you want to play sharades!
(LaForge enters through A)
LaFORGE : (looking at Striker) Captain sir… îî … ma’am I have something urgent to tell you…
JANE : Not now! Don’t you see I’m busy? This low excuse for a human being is trying to tell me something. Help me figure it out. (Jane looks at MegaByte, but LaForge looks away)
JANE: How many words?
MegaByte mimes most of the words that follow. He must mime the sentence “Not deatomize wall! Danger!” 
MEGABYTE: (Shows 4 fingers)
JANE: First word sounds like…
MEGABYTE: (mimes a window washer)
LaFORGE: (looks the other way but is redirected by Jane)
JANE: Look here!
LaFORGE: Window washer?
MEGABYTE: (nods “not”)
LaFORGE: Maybe not…
MEGABYTE: (nods “yes”)
JANE: Not?…
MEGABYTE: (shows thumbs up and shows the second finger. He takes out the fazer and points it to Striker)
LaFORGE: What do you want to do? Kill him?
MEGABYTE : (nods “no”)
LaFORGE: Destroy?… Disable?… Deactivate?…
JANE: Don’t you see he’s trying to deatomize him?
MEGABYTE: (Happy, shows thumbs up, and then shows the third finger. He mimes a wall)
JANE : Damn that’s hard! Hey, call for counselor Rita. She is needed on the bridge.
LaFORGE: Look, he’s trying to get out of something…
MEGABYTE: (nods “no”)
LaFORGE: Then you’re trying to get into something…
MEGABYTE: (rams his fist on the invisible wall)
JANE: Are you out of your mind?… Do you want to break the invisible wall?
MEGABYTE: (Happy, nods “yes” and smiles stupidly) 
JANE : Let’s revise everything : Not deatomize wall? Why?
(Councilor Rita Freeman enters through A)
JANE : Come and help us figure this word.
MEGABYTE : (thinking…)
RITA: Danger… He means danger!
JANE: Where? Why? What? When?… (looking in all directions, scared)
(sound): Computer voice – Pressure in bathroom compartment is destabilizing. Existent life forms disappearing…   
JANE : Whoops … I think I did a boo-boo.
LaFORGE : Captain sir… îî … ma’am. Do you remember the trouble that the Y2K bug caused on Earth in year 2000?
JANE : Yes. I’m glad we don’t have that problem anymore. (bored)
LaFORGE : Well…. I wouldn’t say that. In Earth years we are on the 31st December 9999 and (watching at his watch) in a few moments we’ll be in the year 10.000…
JANE : And ?
LaFORGE : Well… our computers will shut down because of the Y10K bug!
(sound) Computer voice - Date mismatch in system files… Switching to emergency procedure... Emergency procedure failed! ... Imminent shutdown in T - 30, 29, 28, kzzz, 3, 2,1 … 
 (Curtains fall and lights go out)

In the break between acts:
(The host of the show comes from behind the curtains) 
HOST: Due to an unexpected computer failure we interrupt this program for a brief moment, but don’t go away, there’s more…. And now a word from our sponsor: 
Have you ever had trouble with your fazer? Did it let you down in life-or-death situations?….. now Spacely’s Industries proudly present the “BIONIC CHARGE”,  a new and revolutionary charge that is assured to last longer than you have ever imagined. And don’t forget … the “BIONIC CHARGE” is now available for just $99.99 and special offer for the people in the audience only $49.99 with money back guarantee. 
And now for a little demonstration… 
(The host “shoots” somebody from the audience with the fazer and leaves) 

ACT II

to stage

Backstage

A					      B

SET
The set is on a strange alien planet covered in red lights. The crew enters from A. On the right side there is a fire and next to it sit the gypsies. Zambilica tells the fortune from magic cards and Ghiocel, Bulibasa and Dionis are playing with dice and knifes.

(MegaByte enters armed with his fazer and signals the others that “the coast is clear”. He than slides his fazer into his pants and accidentally shoots himself in the… foot.  There is a lot of pain on MegaByte’s face) 
JANE : Are you all right MegaByte?
MEGABYTE (signals that he is OK)
LaFORGE: What could’ve happened? One moment we were on the ship and the next one we found ourselves down here…
JANE : Have you figured out where we are counselor?
RITA (concentrating really hard) We are in ….. Romulandia!
LaFORGE : How can you be so sure? Did you have a vision or something?
RITA : That …. And I read the sign over there.
(meanwhile MegaByte is staring at the gypsies)
JANE : (toward MegaByte) What’s the matter MegaByte?
(MegaByte shows her the gypsies)
JANE : Who goes there?! 
ZAMBILICA (mad, shouts): Yeckem! (and spits)
JANE (toward MegaByte): MegaByte translate!
MEGABYTE : She said “Hello”(babbling; he takes a long time to say it)
JANE : Counselor please speed him up a bit.
RITA : I’ll try to read his mind to see what he is thinking. (concentrates really hard with her eyes closed and starts babbling too)
ZAMBILICA : All rights all readyz. I hasn’t got all day. Don’t worryz, I can speaks your language. (Zambilica speaks a very bad English!)
LaFORGE : Can you really speak our language?
ZAMBILICA : Dooh… is me speaking to myself here? Come and join us by the fire. Is warmer then there. Don’t be frightened, we’re peaceful people. (Bulibasa stabs Dionis to death)
JANE : I’m captain Jane Look Picard and this is my crew. 
ZAMBILICA : I am Zambilica and I can tell you the future. I just have to read the bumps on your head. (puts her hand on Rita’s head) Uuuh …no bumps…No problem, we make some.
RITA : No thanks, it isn’t necessary.
ZAMBILICA : Then perhaps you would like your palm red?
RITA : No!
ZAMBILICA : Blue then?… the color don’t matter.
RITA : Certainly not! But I was wondering… who is this handsome man?
ZAMBILICA : He is my dangerously beautiful lover, Bulibasa.
LaFORGE : Madame, I’m sorry to interrupt your chitchat but we have important business to attend to. (toward MegaByte) Captain sir …îî…ma’am we must find a way to return to our ship as soon as possible.
RITA: We must hurry! (a sound of a cricket is heard in the background)
JANE : Yeah, but how?
ZAMBILICA : There’s only one person around here that can help you. I could take you to him.
JANE : So, let’s go.  What are we waiting for?
ZAMBILICA : I usually don’t say this, but I don’t live on air, you know!…
RITA : Captain sir …îî…ma’am, what can we give her? I’ve got a 50 credits card.
LaFORGE : Lucky me I brought mine too.
JANE : And with what I’ve got it makes 102 credits. Will this be enough? This is all what we have on us right now!
ZAMBILICA : Mmm… I think that will do? But first I have to summon the spirits to protect us.
JANE : O.K. but be quick about it.
ZAMBILICA : (Zambilica begins the incantation and says a lot of magic unknown words; She says a very long phrase followed by a short word shouted out loud) At the beginning I said the name of this place, and then I repeated the names of all our 200 gods 4 times. Now do you understand? (everybody nods “yes”)
LaFORGE : I see it’s getting darker, we should get moving captain sir …îî…ma’am.
(All get up and follow Zambilica. LaForge goes toward the audience but is corrected by MegaByte)
 (Lights go out and curtains fall.) 

In the break between acts:
(Dionis, the “dead” gipsy shows up from behind the curtains with a knife in his heart.)
DIONIS: Is there a doctor in the house?!….
Man from the public: I’m a doctor!
DIONIS: Please man… help me….. I’m dying. (he falls and he is dragged away by the security crew)

The host enters again. (somebody comes and gives him a note)
HOST: I have a little announcement to make :The owner of a car with this license number YU-13-SOS please follow that gentleman out. I think you have a problem.... Wait a moment…, that’s my car! And now let’s get back to our show! (runs out of the stage)

ACT III

Backstage

A					      B

to stage

SET
This is the laboratory of the mad scientist Maverick. There are some desks with test tubes, experiments, and books. On one desk there are 2 test tubes. Maverick is working at the center desk.
On the blackboard in the back there are written all sorts of equations (it starts from 1+1=2 and in the end the result is E=mc2).

(Maverick knocks down a bottle from the table) 
MAVERICK: Oh my god what have I done?… It took me 20 years to improve the formula and now everything is ruined! Now I'll never find a better recipe for lemonade!
MAVERICK : God, what dreadful life…I can’t stand it anymore. I have to get out of here…  I’m stuck here for the rest of my life just with an assistant. And believe me, she’s no Albert Einstein… Hey Stacey! Come here!
STACEY : (enters through B) You called master?
MAVERICK : No… I was just talking to myself. (irronically)
STACEY : I’m sorry sir… I’ll go now. (sad)
MAVERICK : No… wait you numb-skull. I need you!
STACEY : Do I really have to do this again, sir? (she begins to unbutton her shirt) I thought you were tired.
MAVERICK : Shut up and listen! Go and fetch me the that book in the second box.
STACEY : Well sir…
MAVERICK : Don’t tell me …you forgot again which is the second box. It’s the one after the first box!
(Stacey goes to look for the second box and exits through B. Zambilica silently enters through A) 
(Maverick sees Zambilica by mistake)
MAVERICK : Who dares traspass my property? (with authority)
ZAMBILICA : Oh… shut up you…You don’t have any property!
MAVERICK : Yes, I know, but I like the way it sounds!
ZAMBILICA : I was passing by and I thought I’d drop in for a moment. Aren’t you glad to see me? (cheerful)
MAVERICK : I would’ve been glad if you droped dead…
ZAMBILICA : You aren’t funny. I brought you something you might use.
MAVERICK : If I told you once, I told you a thousand times… This is no place for a witch and her desgusting little tricks.
(Stacey returns with a book and places it on the table)
ZAMBILICA : What tricks are you talking about? I know magic!
MAVERICK : Stacey… show her the door! (upset)
STACEY : There is the door, miss! (smiling)
MAVERICK : Not the door, you… The way out!
STACEY : After the door you go left… I think… and you find the way out.
MAVERICK : (rips his hair off) I think I’m gonna be sick.
(MegaByte enters followed by the rest of the crew through A)
ZAMBILICA : Calm down old ghizer. These are the ones I’ve told you about.
LaFORGE : Captain sir…îî…ma’am, I don’t think we’re in Romulandia anymore, I mean in the right place.
MAVERICK : (with a sinister laugh) You’re in the right place all right! (toward Stacey) Stacey prepare the chain and some rope.
STACEY : Which chain do you want? The big one or the other?
MAVERICK : But we don’t have two sets of chains!
STACEY : And the one on the chainsaw what is it then?
MAVERICK : Don’t tell me! You took it off again. You’re unbeliveble!! Hurry now, these men aren’t waiting for you. (Stacey exits through B)
JANE : You don’t even know us and you want to kill us? (worried)
MAVERICK : No…what did you think? I’m trying to see Fox Chanell and down here I need some iron chains and a rope to catch the frequency.
JANE : Thank God… 
MAVERICK : But allow me to introduce myself. I’m Maverick the genius scientist (Stacey returns)
(sound):# a thunder is heard in the background
JANE : Nice to meet you… I guess… Jane Look Picard. This is counselor Rita… lt. LaForge and …
STACEY : And who is that hunk of man over there? (horny)
JANE : I was just going to say. This is my personal android MegaByte.
MAVERICK : Android you say?… Well, well … please make yourselves comfortable.(he invites them to sit down)
ZAMBILICA : Hello (long Helooooo), is anybody listening to me. Am I talking to myself again? (everybody looks at her). Hey Maverick, I’m waiting for my reward…
MAVERICK : Stacey, go and give her what she deserves.
STACEY : Right away master. (Stacey and Zambilica exit through B)
JANE : I’ve been told that you could help us.
MAVERICK : Ain’t it funny!… I’ve been told the same thing. (he pretends to be busy)
RITA : Captain sir…îî…ma’am, may I remind you that we don’t have much time?
Zambilica runs from B to A followed by Stacey. When they go out through A a chainsaw sound is heard and then a death scream. Stacey returns with her hands full of “blood” and starts to wipe them clean
JANE : Why is that counselor?
RITA : Today is laundry day and if we don’t get in time for  dinner we’ll be stuck with our laundry for the rest of the month.
In the meantime MegaByte and LaForge are standing in the back and LaForge is trying to fix an error in MegaByte’s behavior. He bumps Megabyte on the head and deactivates him. Megabyte starts falling from one side to another and is barely kept erect by LaForge
LaFORGE : Are they on strike again?
JANE : I don’t know and I don’t want to know. Do you remember what happened to poor Jimmy?… I heard he ended up eating his laundry.
LaFORGE : Man…. What can laundry do to people!!
JANE (toward Maverick) : So?… how can you help us?
MAVERICK : I think it is better to say I’ll help you if you help me.
RITA : How’s that?
MAVERICK : You give me the android and I can send you wherever you want.
JANE : I’ve got really attached to him. We won’t give him to you.
MAVERICK : What do you say if I’ll throw in some gummy packs for you to chew on your way home, or wherever you will end up.
LaFORGE : Captain sir…îî…ma’am, I think there is something he should know.
MAVERICK : What’s that?
JANE : Oh.. yeah… He has a speech disorder.
MAVERICK : No problem. We can fix that. Stacey!
STACEY : Just one moment sir (throws the red towel away)
MAVERICK : Go and bring me the bottle on the left.
STACEY : Left??
MAVERICK : Right!!
STACEY : Right…O.K.(Stacey goes and brings the bottle on the right and gives it to Maverick)
MAVERICK : Stacey! Give me that and you’ll have the rest of the day off.
STACEY : Thank you very much master. (she waits around a bit)
MAVERICK : Let’s see now…Drink this! (gives the bottle to MegaByte)
LaFORGE : Are you all right MegaByte?!
MEGABYTE (with a normal voice): But of course. I couldn’t be better!
MAVERICK (happy) : It works, it works! I can’t believe it! It really works.
(sound):# Alleluia (like in church)
JANE : Now he is all yours. It’s time you respect your part of the bargain.
MAVERICK : Just one moment.(he starts taking out various objects from his pockets among which: socks, a bra, some coins and a small box)
RITA : But how  can you send us back home. 
MAVERICK : What universe are you living in? With this here handy-dandy, do-it yourself teleporting kit… And this is its’ natural size. (points to something out of the scene)
RITA : But how ….
MAVERICK : …Did I do this? Simple. Instructions are on the back. Stand back, I’m starting the activating sequence now. I hope this time it will work.
LaFORGE : What do you mean?
MAVERICK : Well… last time I used this, I ended down here.
LaFORGE : Is that so? Than I think I forgot to tell you that if MegaByte isn’t within a 10-mile range from the captain, he will explode.
MAVERICK : This can’t be happening to me. You tricked me. Take your rusty android and leave this place immediately. (Jane, Rita, LaForge and MegaByte are going to the teleporter)  
(sound) Computer voice -  Starting nuclear reactor ……………successful
Preparing three persons for teleportation…. T-1 minute till activating transfer sequence….
Everybody’s thoughts are heard as they pass in front of the audience toward the teleporter)
RITA (concentrating on everyone else’s thoughts):
(sound): RITA: “I wonder what they are thinking…”
(sound) JANE : “I still haven’t found out who’s written those markings on the bathroom wall.”
(sound): LaFORGE : “What I wouldn’t give to see the captain naked!!”
(sound): MEGABYTE : “MMI modula approaching space station Mercury. Over”
(sound): STACEY : “What was my name again?… Was it Fluffy or Muffy, or maybe Daffy?… What was I thinking again?”
(sound) MAVERICK : “Who are they to think they can trick me? I’ll show them! I’ll push these buttons and…”
(sound): Computer voice : T-3…2…1…transfer sequence activated (the sound of teleportation)

(lights go out and curtains falls) 

The host comes
HOST: News flash: A dangerous subject has just escaped from the maximum-security hospital for mentally disturbed people. He is 5.9 feet, has dark hair, dark eyes, likes to wear fancy suits and usually acts like a news reporter. Be advised to avoid him if possible. The hospital will pay a handsome reward for his return. (the description of  the above character is his own description) 
(People in the audience shout: Hey, that's him! Get him!) 
HOST: And now back to our show. 

ACT IV

A					        B

SET
Alien world with strange  surroundings. It looks creepy. There are some bushes in front.

RITA: I don’t think we’re in Romulandia anymore!
JANE: I have the feeling that that dirty double-crossing, good for nothing, low down mad scientist stood us up!
LaFORGE: Mad scientist my foot. The guy was mad. Just mad!
MEGABYTE: At least he cured my speech disorder (he can’t pronounce correctly – lots of “sssss”). What? Sufferin’ sucatheads… Ratz.
LaFORGE: You and your big mouth!
(a very strange growl is heard in the background)
JANE (scared): Who was that?
LaFORGE: Rather, what was that…
(sound):# thunder
JANE: MegaByte, see if you can get us out of here!
RITA: Capitan sir…îî…ma’am, what is that strange red cloud over there?
JANE: I don’t know. LaForge analyze!
LaFORGE (staring in another direction - obviously) It looks like a giant magnetic storm is heading our way. We must head for cover right now.
MEGABYTE: I found us a cave.
JANE: Let’s go!  (they exit through A)
(sound) You can hear just the voices
(sound): JANE: Hey, is this cave moving, or is it just my impression?
(sound): RITA (whispering): Capitan sir…îî…ma’am, I don’t think this is a cave. I think this is alive!
(sound):# battle sounds; fazer sounds; growls
(the captain enters through A shooting the fazer)
JANE: Take that you man-eating alien creature! (the captain falls down and the curtain falls)

The host comes
HOST: Is this the end of our heroes?… Will they be crushed to death by the jaws of an alien man-eating creature?… Will I get paid for this job?… Tune in next time to find out the answers to these questions and more. 
The end
People to blame for this play… The writers, directors, stunt coordinators, and producers of this play: Cosmin Vasile & Adrian Popa
No animals were harmed during the shootings and any similarities to the reality are purely coincidental.
For comments and questions, please contact us at the following address: 
						www.geocities.com/mad_ady