Questions

By Uozumi

 

Author’s Notes:  I seem to be in a Banana Fish mood.  I think I'm obsessing over it, and I have Fire Seed to thank for that.  Anyway, yet another one-shot from me.  This time it's Ash/Eiji, sort of based off of a picture I found on a scan site for the art book.  If you don't know the picture (or know it) and want to see it, just send me an e-mail, and I'll send it to you.  (Don't worry, it's clean.)  ASH POV!  I own nothing.

 

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I'm surprised at how "normal" I am.  When someone sees me on the street, hoodlum doesn't seem to come to mind, even if I'm going to do my "job," if you could call it that.  I can understand that when I dress up, and am someone other than myself, that everyone thinks I'm just a normal teenager, but I'm not, no matter how normal I look.

 

I've been thinking for a long time, a very long time, and I still haven't understood it all.  If you asked me to explain some large political stall out, or how deceptions on such a level work, I'd just rattle it off like a second grader rattles off times tables, but if I ask myself about some things, suddenly geo politics and other such matters seem even easier.

 

They say that when you're a teenager, you go on a long quest to find yourself, that you just keep searching, but you only stop when you've given up looking, because no one ever finds themselves.  I hope never to find me in a sense.  I don't want to know what kind of hell I'll find when I let down all I've built, I don't want to know what memories I've suppressed, repressed, or wished I didn't have.  I don't want to know myself, I want to continue to live in each present, and have no past, I want to continue to exist without existing in a sense, just to do what needs to be done in my own way, but not have to relive all the pain that brought me here.  I don't want to remember Mom dying, or Dino, or killing Shorter . . . .

 

There are also other things I don't think I ever want to know about myself.  I mean, look what I'm doing right now.  Right now, I'm lying, watching Eiji sleep, watching as his hands rise and fall over his diaphragm, watching how his eyes twitch every now and then during REM.  Some nights I just watch him, I just watch and let nothing come into my mind, or everything does, and I'm not sure who I am anymore.  When we first met, it was like watching a Martian come down from a spaceship.  He told me how you can only carry a toy gun in Japan, then he asked to see mine, so I let them, then he simply handed it back with a "thank you."  He's the kind of man that surprises you either by doing something you would never have tried, or by surprisingly be unable to do something that has to be done.  Sometimes I find myself watching him, reviewing what we went through that day and thinking either, "Eiji, you idiot," or "I don't think we could have done that without you."

 

Yet, why do I watch him?  Why do I think about him?  Why do I wonder about his safety, and allow that to guide every step I take?  Am I looking for something?  Do I pity him for being nineteen, and not have many street smarts?  Do I envy him for that?  Or, is it something else?

 

I grew up in a twisted world, and sometimes I wonder if some of that didn't come off on me.  Yes, once I did have a girlfriend, but they killed her.  They also see Eiji as something to use like that, but not in the same way, but what about me?  I was used at an early age as a toy for a homosexual man, so did that affect me?  Did the idea get implanted into my brain?  Do I really want to protect Eiji because he seems unable to do that himself, or do I like him?

 

Now I'm only confusing myself more, and I guess that I am trying on this quest to find myself, even if I don't want to.  Sometimes I wonder if Eiji watches me when I sleep, and it sounds almost like a child's voice when I think it.  Does he look at me as I do him, and wonder the same things?  Does he wonder what's really going on in his head, or does he just glance at me, smile that I'm here, and then go back to sleep?  He waits up for me every night and sometimes we drink until both of us fall asleep wherever we are, but does that mean anything?  Are we only men united by a common hell?  Just drinking buddies who also share violence?

 

Is it that simple?

 

If it were, I would be asleep right now, and not watching him.  Sometimes I feel his eyes on me, and I always wake from my nightmare, yet when I look at him, he's sleeping, usually rolled away, not in any position to ever watch me.  Although, it's like I sense him, and then I wake from the hell in my dream.  Is that why I want to protect him?  Is it a selfish thing?

 

Yes, it is and I don't care.  No matter if I like him in whatever way possible, my wanting to keep him safe and alive at all costs is selfish.  I want him alive for me.  I want him to be free because that's what I want.  It's not about him; it's not about Ibé, or anyone else, just me.  I want to protect Eiji for my own interests, whatever they may be.

 

Feeling those eyes on me, I come out of my trance, my eyes flickering up to watch his rapidly close.  Was he watching me?

 

Studying him, I note that his hands aren't moving in a steady motion, that his nose (not his eyelids) are twitching as though he's trying to hide something, or lie.  Eiji is a horrible liar, that's just not who he is.  He was made to tell the truth, to be an upstanding citizen, and perhaps that's what draws me to him.

 

"You're awake, aren't you?"

 

Slowly two dark eyes meet my green ones.  "Ash, I -"

 

"You don't have to say you're sorry, I can't control when you're awake," I write it off, although my brain is still off on its same tangent.  Was he really watching me?  What was he thinking?  Is he wondering what I am?

 

"But -"

 

"It's okay," I roll over so my back is to him.  I'm not really to answer those questions yet.  "Goodnight."

 

I know he's studying me as though trying to understand the why to my action, but then I feel him roll over away from me, and then it goes quiet.

 

Staring off at the clock, I feel my eyelids threaten to close, sending me into my hellish nightmares.  I don't want to go there, I don't want to see what I see whenever I close my eyes.  Hearing a yawn from behind me, I finally do close them knowing that in the end, if it does get bad, Eiji will be there to save me as I save him when we're awake.

 

THE END