All Hallows Eve
by Angela
05-19-03
The
apartment reeked of beer and pumpkins, the latter mixed with the nauseating
scent of burned candles. It was a smell
that usually triggered that crazy old jack o’ lantern fear, but not this time. My mind was soft and mushy; I felt
protected, as though being passed-out-drunk next to Eiji were the safest place
in the whole city of New York. Later,
it was easy to blame the whole thing on the over-abundance of Budweiser
coursing through my veins, but deep down, I knew better. I was aware all along that I would’ve never
let my guard down to drink so much if it weren’t for how I felt about Eiji.
He
was leaving in less than twelve hours.
No matter how hard I tried to keep my focus on Arthur and my conference
with Cain, my mind always fell back to this fact.
He
was watching me with those heavy-lidded, exotic eyes, a tiny half-smile on his
lips. I’d told him that his face was
easy to read, but that particular expression always stumped me; I wanted to
know what was going through his head when he looked at me like that. He looked content, almost happy. I found myself fiercely hoping that he never
turned that expression to anyone else.
“Why
you look at me like that?” He propped
himself up on one elbow, his smile widening.
He took a gulp of beer, his eyes not leaving mine.
“Like
what?”
Eiji’s
belated sense of privacy usually stalled any direct questions he might ask, so
I was surprised when he pushed forward.
“Like you are trying to turn me inside out,” he said simply.
I
almost blushed, suddenly wondering if he could read me as well as I could read
him. I combed my hair with my fingers,
forcing my smile to stay casual. I
couldn’t tell him that I was trying to imprint his face on my memory, that in
just a few hours he’d be on his way back to Tokyo and I’d be taking on Arthur.
We
were lounging on the floor, surrounded by empty beer cans and throw
pillows. On the sofa, Kong and Bones
snored heavily, unconscious with food and drink. Eiji lay on his side, his head propped up on one hand. He smiled, waiting for me to answer
him. We’d covered a lot of topics
already—his lack of a girlfriend at home, my lack of girlfriends in general—but
I’d been careful to avoid anything that might provoke me into telling him about
the plane tickets in my coat pocket. I
wanted him to be safe, but I hadn’t deluded myself into believing that I wanted
him on the other side of the planet.
I
wished I could keep him safe by my side.
He
was still gazing at me so expectantly, I had to answer. “I was wondering if you always look so sappy
when you drink,” I answered easily. “It
could be dangerous, you know, to look at another man like that.”
He
colored deeply and looked down at his fingers wrapped solidly around the
can. We’d both had too much to
drink—enough that we’d passed through the silly stages an hour or more
before. Now everything felt heady and
serious with a dizzying sense of urgency.
I felt dead sober except for the warmth in my stomach and the static
fuzz in the background of my mind.
“I
do not look at other men this way,” he said quietly. “It is not the beer I drink.
I am not drunk.”
I
knew better about the alcohol, but I believed the rest. I reached out and nudged his hand with my
knuckles. He looked up at me, his dark
eyes wide. His hair fell over his
forehead and his lips parted in surprise.
The skin on my hand tingled. My
stomach lurched.
This
wasn’t about sex. I knew sex. After a while, I’d learned to take my
pleasure where I could find it, not letting Papa Dino or his cronies steal that
from me, but with Eiji, everything was different. I didn’t want to take from him, but I didn’t know how to
give. I wasn’t sure if I should be touching
him at all.
His
fingers uncurled from around the beer can, trembling as they moved to rest on
my wrist. He swallowed deeply, a shy
smile flickering and fading.
The
alcohol hit me when I kissed him. I
closed my eyes against the spinning room and braced one hand on Eiji’s shoulder
to steady myself. His mouth was
soft—sweeter than I remembered from that compulsory lip lock at the prison—and
my insides stirred. He leaned closer,
his lips moving and opening beneath me, and I could taste the bitter tang of
beer on his tongue and teeth.
I
gripped the fabric of his shirt at his shoulder, flexing my fingers until I
touched the hard smoothness of his collarbone beneath the stretched neck of his
sweatshirt. Eiji gasped, momentarily
breaking our kiss. I opened my eyes,
dizzily aware of his long lashes and the flush of his cheeks. A lump in my throat kept me from kissing him
again; Eiji made a strangled complaint before opening his eyes.
I
let my hand slide to cup the back of his neck.
“You’re drunk,” I protested softly, not wanting to stop but not wanting
to continue if there was any chance I was taking advantage.
Eiji
kissed me three times, softly. “I am no
more drunk than you,” he whispered. He
leaned back on the pillows and smiled.
My
hand was caught behind his neck, tangled in his soft hair. I didn’t want to pull away. He was amazing—dark and beautiful and gazing
up at me with absolute trust. I leaned
my forehead against his, immediately aware of the warm smoothness of his skin
beneath mine and the damp pulse of his breath on my face. “Eiji . . .” My voice cracked.
He
slid his arms around my shoulders and back, one hand moving beneath my t-shirt
to trace my spine. I lost my breath at
his touch, exhaling sharply and closing my eyes against the sensation that
seemed to radiate through me. He spoke
to me in soft Japanese, his fingers slowly exploring my back. I didn’t understand the words, but I didn’t
need to. I opened my eyes again when he
paused, not surprised to see him watching me expectantly, wondering if I’d
understood his request.
I
figured it out.
When
we kissed again it was with urgency.
Eiji pulled me until my full weight stretched out over his body, and
between the exploring hands and deep kisses, for a long time I lost track of
what was going on. My brain was buzzing
with the knowledge that, for the first time, this was right. Our bodies strained closer and closer,
finding ways to fit against each other until I was sure I’d never feel complete
without him nearby.
It
could have been hours or just minutes later when Eiji hesitated. We were tangled together on the floor,
shirtless. I kissed his neck and
shoulder, leaving tiny nips and bruises as I moved. He moaned, craning his neck in an effort to give me more skin to
touch. I realized I was marking him as
my territory the way Golzine once marked me, but I was used to staking claims
and protecting my own—I didn’t want there to be any doubt that Eiji Okumura
belonged to Ash Lynx.
His
hands stroked my chest, his shaking fingers dipping low around my navel. My whole body tingled as his rough
fingertips slid just below the waistband of my jeans. He clumsily worked at the button, his hands brushing against the
swelling hardness beneath the denim as he struggled. I forced myself to lie still, fighting the urge to push against
his pelvis, against the bulge that stretched his sweat pants. I was just reaching down to help him when
the button came loose, his breath exhaling in hot triumph against my chest.
But
then he was still. He leaned against
me, unmoving, his face against my chest and his breath coming hard and
ragged. “Eiji?” I asked, stroking his
black hair. “Is this okay, Eiji?”
“It
is okay,” he answered at last. He
turned his face up to look at me. His
eyes were bright and his swollen lips trembled. He was nervous. “It is
fine to do anything with you, Ash.”
It
was close to one in the morning. In
less than eight hours, he would be boarding a plane headed as far away from me
as humanly possible, and he didn’t even know it yet. He was flushed and nervous, but trusting, not knowing that this
first time would also be the last. My
stomach suddenly hurt. Eiji deserved
better.
I
took a deep breath, willfully moving my hands away from his bare skin. “Let’s wait,” I whispered. “We don’t have to rush. We don’t have to do anything.” I kissed him softly, somehow still amazed
that I could just lean down and do that.
I was lying, letting him believe that there would be time for this kind
of thing later. I felt like an asshole.
Eiji
looked confused. “You push me away?” he
asked, blinking. “I do something
wrong?”
His
uncertainty made my insides quake. I
wasn’t in the best position to reassure him.
I wanted to do what was right for Eiji, whatever it took to keep him
safe and out of harm—even harm from me.
At the same time, my control was at its limit. My body rebelled against my will to calm it, and all I really
wanted was to show him a hundred different kinds of pleasure, not even caring
that Bones and Kong were still asleep on the couch. I wasn’t used to being out of control. I wasn’t sure how to handle it.
I
didn’t know what to say. “It’s not
that. I just—”
“You
do not want me hurt.” He reached for my
face, pushing my hair from my forehead.
“I understand. I do not want you
hurt, either.” For a moment I thought
he would kiss me again, but he just looked at me. A tiny smile tugged the corners of his lips. “It is enough to be near.”
My
chest constricted. He wanted it just as
much as I did. He knew he could push
past my barriers, but he didn’t try.
Eiji was a better person than I’d ever be. “It’s late,” I said finally.
My voice was gruff. “Wait
here.”
I
went to the bathroom and splashed water over my face. I let the faucet run until the water was icy cold—I splashed that
down my chest, letting some of it trickle down into my jeans. It was damned uncomfortable, but it
helped. In the bedroom I grabbed a new
shirt and pulled a blanket from my bed.
When
I got back to the living room, Eiji was sitting up, his arms wrapped around his
knees. He looked young and vulnerable,
and I hated myself for making him feel uncomfortable. He’d put his sweatshirt back on, and it looked like he’d
straightened his tousled hair with his fingers.
I
turned off the light, kicking a beer can out of my way. “Time for bed,” I announced, tossing the blanket
to him. I arranged a couple of pillows
side-by-side on the floor.
“Why
not in bedroom?” Eiji asked
uncertainly. He automatically spread
the blanket, making a bed on the floor.
If
he wanted to be near me, that was the least I could give him. “My bed’s too small for two,” I explained,
stretching out on the floor. I patted
the pillow next to me. It was hard to
stay casual.
Eiji
blushed, but he lay down next to me.
We
didn’t speak. We barely moved. I was starting to wonder if this was a good idea
at all—just listening to his breathing was stirring my arousal. I had planned to stay close to him, maybe
even to tell him about the plane tickets and why I had to send him home, but I
knew the words wouldn’t come. For
almost two weeks I’d tried to tell him, but I didn’t know how. I wished he’d say something—something cute
to make us both laugh.
The
clock on the TV read half past one when he finally spoke. “I know it is complicated,” he said
softly. “I do not belong in your
world. You asked me to stay by
you. I do. I will as long as you want me.”
I
wanted him by me forever. But even
more, I wanted him to live his life without watching his back, without having
to worry that one day his life would be forfeit to payback or revenge.
“I
want to protect you,” I answered. He
didn’t say anything, and after a while I wondered if I’d spoken aloud or just
in my head. I shifted on the hard
floor, surprised to bump against Eiji’s back.
I pressed my back to his.
I
heard his sigh and imagined the smile that matched it. I understood. He was right; it was enough just to be near.
I
lay awake long after his breathing deepened into the regular rhythms of deep
sleep. I wondered if he would hate me
in the weeks to come. I almost hoped he
would—better to be angry than to be hurt.
Besides, I already hurt enough for both of us.