Welcome to the Pouch Owner's Manual. This booklet will become indispensible in the years to come, so make sure you keep it in a safe place.

Prologue: Getting To Know Your Pouch

So, you've come of age, and are ready to learn all about the wonders of the marsupial pouch. Before we get started, take a moment to look at your pouch. Go ahead, take a look. Rub your paws over the opening, and around the sides, over the front and on the bottom. Pull it open and look inside. Go ahead and smell if you like. Reach in and feel the texture of the skin and fur, blow on it and see how it feels. Ok, that was fun wasn't it? Throughout this booklet, we'll discuss your pouch's structure, function, pros and cons of owning it, mantainance, and fashion tips, among other things.

Chapter 1: Why?

So, you're probably wondering why you have a pouch. Your parents probably couldn't explain it very well, or they told you some fairytale about the stork getting drunk and biting you on your belly. The truth is, the marsupial pouch is very important in everyday life. The primary and most important function of your pouch is to provide a warm, dry home for any joeys you may have throughout the course of your adult life. To a joey, the mother's pouch is a bed, easy chair, escape pod, blanket, transport system and well-stocked pantry. A joey will rely entirely upon it's mother's pouch for the first 6 months to a year, depending upon species. The other functions are quite vague and divers at first glance, but we'll break them down for you in easy to understand terms.

Subsection A: Secondary Functions Of Your Pouch

One of the most important secondary purposes of your pouch is sexual stimulation. Sex is a fact of life and a must for you if you wish to have offspring, though sex can be used as a recreational activity as well, and this is where your pouch comes in. Your partner can use your pouch stimulate you, and prepare you for mating much more quickly than would normally be possible. This activity is covered in more detail in Chapter 5: Sex, Your Pouch, and You.

Another important use for your pouch is transportation of personal items. Although the type of objects you can safely carry in your pouch is somewhat limited, you will no doubt find it a very handy tool both in everyday live, or in a pinch. Certainly no sharp or jagged objects, as the would damage your pouch.  One of the best things you can keep in your pouch is money. Not only are pickpockets discouraged from robbing you if your money is in your very sensitive pouch, but if they do attempt to rob you, you can claim both robbery and sexual assault in a court of law.

Although related somewhat to the above, yet another purpose for your pouch, though not exactly honest, is the concealment of various objects. Can't find a good spot to hide that little peice of paper with the cute guy that you met at the bar's phone colours on it from your boyfriend? Try hiding it in your pouch. How about that new lingerie you bought at Victorian Secrets? Stuff it in your pouch and he'll never know you got it, let alone how too much you paid for it. 

There are a multitude of other uses for your pouch, and we'll get to them in more detail later on. Let's move on, shall we?

Subsection B: How?

The way marsupials came to have pouches has often been referred to as one of the great mysteries of our time. In reality, it's no mystery. The story of the pouch begins long before marsupials ever exsisted, back in the time of the dinosaurs. Long ago, when the terrible lizards ruled the planet, (Instead of being merely scattered throughout the landscape in secluded groups and living peacefully in the suburbs as they do today) There was a small capsule that gave new life to the world. It was called the egg. This was the standard way to produce offspring in those days. As you may or may not know, a small number of different species of a strange new creature evoled, right around the feet of the massive dinosaurs. They were known as mammals. The first types of mammals were a group called the monotremes. Like the dinosaurs, they layed eggs, which hatched into offspring. What these new creatures could do that the dinosaurs couldn't, however, was nurse their young. This was a huge advantage, as mother may not always have been able to find sufficient food to bring back to her offspring. With the ability to lactate, the young now had as much food as they could drink, directly from their mother.

The next great development in mammal evoloution were the marsupials. They, as well, nursed their offspring with milk. More advanced than monotremes, they gave birth to live young, though in a very undeveloped state. The young were then kept in a pouch, until they were big, old and strong enough to fend for themselves. This was yet another huge advantage, as the ability to carry the offspring with them at all times meant mobility, safety from predators and less wasted energy. This advantage is perhaps why only two species of monotreme still survive today.

After the marsupials came the placentals, however, since explaining that goes beyond topic, we will skip it.

Chapter 2: Pouch Structure

In the prologue we took a look at your pouch. Now, we'll take another, more in-depth look, examining it thoroughly.

Subsection A: The lip

 We'll start with the top of your pouch. Notice that the opening is formed into a little ridge right across your stomach. This is most commonly known as the lip. Though you probably won't be doing any kissing with it, unless you're a contortionist, that's what it's called. Notice how your stomach contines down inside the pouch. Your pouch itself is merely a mass of extra skin, that folds back in on itself. Back to the lip. That ridge shape is caused by a line of muscle that runs under the skin. You may have noticed that on cold days this lip may contract to hold in heat, and on hot days will expand to release it. This is a small part of your body's natural temperature control system. No known marsupial can sweat, therefore your pouch is imperitave in keeping you at the right heat level. Males have a similar device, though it is much smaller and...a bit lower. Don't ask. 

Subsection B: The main pouch

The main pouch is more or less the part that bulges when something heavy is put inside. It is the largest portion of the pouch structure, and also the most important. This area provides supprt and comfort for the joey. The fur on the outer surface of this area is usually relatively thick, whereas the fur inside is much more sparce, sometimes consisting of mere scattered hairs. The skin is has an elastic consistency to it, and will stretch to several times it's original size. This elasticity is what allows a joey to grow inside.

Subsection C: The mammary glands

You may have noticed, as you were growing up, that your placental female friends around you developed breasts on their chests. This may have led you to wonder why you as well, were not going through the same changes. This is because you do not have breasts in the same sense that placentals do. Rather, your milk-bearing organs lie deep in your pouch, nestled comfortably at the bottom. On occasion, mixed species that have placental blood will experience growth of this area in the pouch as a result of their placental genes. However, no occurence of both types of breasts developing at the same time has ever been recorded. Hence, you will not see mixed species with breasts on their chests. Your mammary glands will produce milk shortly before you are to bear offspring.

Subsection D: The supporting bones

Under your skin, beneath your stomach muscles, lie two small bones, attatched to your pelvis. These bones connect to either side of your pouch and help to supprt the weight of a joey while it resides in your pouch. Although fairly fragile because of their small size, these bones are also the least likely to be broken because of that size and their location on the body.

Chapter 3: Maintainance

Pouch maintainance is the absolutely imperitive if you wish to live a long and happy life. Taking improper care of your pouch can cause intense pain, sickness, or even death. Therefore, we have provided this chapter to explain and promote proper pouch care.

Subsection A: Cleaning

Cleaning your pouch is a relatively simple and easy to understand concept. Keeping your pouch clean will keep the skin free of dirt, parasites and disease, and it feels good too. The outer surface is very easy to clean. Simply wash it with everything else when you bathe. The inner surface is a bit more complicated, as standing water inside will irritate the skin. Simply wash thoroughly, then use a fur-dryer to remove the excess water. Certainly do not place chocolate or other easily melted foods inside, as it will be very difficult to clean, and may cause infection. Clean the pouch thoroughly within 24 hours of giving birth, but do not clean it if a joey currently resides in the pouch.

Subsection B: Caring for injuries

If you should incur an injury on your pouch, you'll know it. It will be incredibly painful. Even a small pinprick will be excruciating. This is because of the highly sensitive skin lining. To care for small injuries, (Small cuts, bruises, rashes) merely apply antiseptic and appropriate creams to the affected area. Your local pharmacy will be more than pleased to explain the process and assist in choosing the best product for the situation. To care for larger injuries, (Deep cuts, gashes, infections, aggrivated rashes, broken support bones) we recommend administering basic first aid, calling the nearest hospital and waitng for an emergency team to arrive.

Subsection C: What to do if you find parasites

The removal and prevention of parasites is a fairly easy process. First, determine what type of parasite you have. If it is a mosquito, swat it, and do not scratch the bite. For ticks, simply apply a small amount of rubbing alcahol. If none is available, a hot pin, freshly blown-out match or lit cigarette works just as well. Fleas are a bit harder to remove. Bathe in a medically approved dip, making sure to follow the diretions on the bottle\box. If relief is not complete or problems return, consult your doctor.

Chapter 4: Caring for joeys

Caring for your offspring should become your primary concern once they are born. Taking proper care of your joey is rarely easy, though it is by far easier than the troubles placentals must endure. In this section we will discuss proper care of your baby.

Subsection A: Birth

Your gestation period will take approximately 30 days, after which you will be compelled to prop yourself on a vertical surface. Do not fight this. The joey will be very tiny. Approximately 1 centimeter to 1 inch in length. A good mother always licks a path clean from the starting point to the pouch lip. It will climb your outer pouch fur, all by itself. Do not assist it if it does not fall. If it does fall, VERY gently pick it up, and lick it clean. It sounds disgusting, but tap water may be too hot or cold, and rubbing the dirt off may harm it. Your tongue is the perfect tempurature and texture for the job, and you can feel what you're doing. Once clean, very gently place the joey in your pouch, next to a nipple if possible. It will latch on to the nipple and begin feeding. DO NOT REMOVE IT! Your nipple will swell inside of it's mouth. If you remove the joey it WILL die. During occupation, your pouch will secrete a mucusy substance, which help lubricate and moisten the joey's skin.

Subsection B: Growing up in the pouch

Your joey will remain in the pouch for 6 months to a year, depending on species. During that time, it will suckle from the same nipple, not even letting go until 2/3 through it's stay. About halfway through, it will begin to grow fur. Around 4/6 through it's stay, it will poke it's head out for the first time. Then, approximately 5/8 through it's stay, it will come completely out for the first time. You must let it return whenever it wants, until it is too big to climb in without hurting you. It will continue to suckle even after it has left, until time for weaning has arrived, in which you must gradually ease it off of your milk. Through the entire time your joey lives in the pouch, is will urinate and defocate inside. You must keep your pouch clean to ensure that your child grows up healthy and strong. Should the joey refuse to leve the pouch, proper action must be taken to prevent re-entry. Kick him/her out and place duct tape over the lip, sealing it off. You can stop him/her from entering during they day, and should your joey try to sneak in while you sleep, you will most certainly feel him/her removing the tape. Soap and warm water will dissolve the glue enough to take it off without pain.

Subsection C: Multiple joeys

Multiple births are so rare in marsupials that most have never heard of them, let alone know someone who's had one. However, caring for multiple joeys is common, as one can be born as soon as another leaves the pouch. The new joey will suckle from a different nipple from the first, and your body will produce two seperate types of milk for each.

Subsection D: Female joeys and their pouches

All female marsupials are born with pouches. Like your own pouch, your daughter's pouch needs careful and competent care. Apart from everything you must do to your own pouch, your daughter's pouch must be regularly cleaned inside and out. During the early stages of development, you should use your tongue to do this. One the joey has grown a good portion of her fur, you can use warm water and a very soft brush.

Chapter 5: Sex, your pouch, and you

Yes, your pouch is an important tool during sexual intercourse. Your partner can use it to arouse you, thereby preparing you for the act. He can use it also to arouse himself, as most males find the female pouch very stimulating. During sex, your mate may fondle and kiss your pouch, or put his paws inside, or any manner of things. When you are aroused, your pouch will be even more sensitive than usual. It is even possible to cause an orgasm through touching the pouch alone. 

Chapter 6: Fitness and it's effects on the pouch

Physical fitness is important to the health of your pouch to some extent. Although your pouch is relatively fragile when it comes to health, it will cope nicely with most diseases and other medical conditions.

Subsection A: The common cold

Getting a cold is never fun, and it will be no exeption for those with pouches. Your pouch will feel the effects, secreting excess amounts of mucus and possibly becoming inflamed. It may become itchy, but you must be sure not to scratch it. The cold will last anywhere from 2 to 14 days for most, after which perfect health should return.

Subsection B: Breast cancer

In these modern times, medical science has for the most part done away with the problem caused by cancer, but it is no less a serious condition. Be sure to check your pouch bottom for lumps or legions. For more information consult a cancer pamphlet which can be found at any quality medical facility.

Subsection C: Weight gain/loss

Due to it's location, your pouch's shape and heat efficiency depends upon maintaining a relatively healthy weight. It is perfectly fine to be a little overweight or underweight, but going into extremes will cause harm to your pouch. 

Article A: Weight gain

During the time you have a joey in your pouch, or possibly after a period of overeating, you may experience some extra weight. While this is just fine, do not let it get out of hand. Obesity is not only a general health risk, but it can cause great harm to your pouch. As the layer of fat under your skin thickens, your belly wil undoubtedly become round and will probably widen a little as well. your pouch will stretch to accomidate the expansion. If the gain continues beyons safe levels, however, the pouch may stretch too far and become sore and painful. In extreme cases, the pouch has been known to tear. Excessive weight may also cause your pouch to overheat, as it will be unable to expell heat as efficiently, due to the thick layers of fat. If a roll of fat begins to cover the pouch lip, immediate weight loss is highly recommended.

Article B: Weight loss

Being thin is the socially acceptable way to be in placental circles, however, due to the body structure and shape of most marsupials, having a wide, slightly heavyset frame is the norm. Though being a little thin will not affect your health, being too thin could be detrimental to your pouch's health. Being severly underweight may cause your pouch to gape open, and enable irritating dust and other foreign objects to enter. As well, your heat regulation system may not function properly, as the insualtion levels will be lowered. You may find yourself feeling cold all the time. If this occurs, consider putting on some weight.

Chapter 7: Preventing abuse from others

Often, you will encounter somone who is curious or simply rude, and will begin to do things to your pouch wihout permission. Most of the time these intruders are children, curious about the world around them. Such perpetrators should be scolded harshly and shooed away as quickly as possible. If such person is of adult age, scream really loud, either 'rape' or 'police', or somthing along those lines. It's merely self defense, and almost any conceiveable excuse they may have for the intrusion wouldn't hold up in court. Sometimes, your mate may perform painful or uncomfortable acts to your pouch. He should be reprimanded and made to sleep on the couch for at least one night.

Epilogue: Aka the end

We here at the Macropodian Government Pamphlet Office hope this booklet has been informative and helpful. We wish you luck with your pouch and a long and happy life.