Me and Neil were coming back from lunch. Aluminum can, y'all! So it was cool. The jets were buzzing all over town. I was about to get out when the alpha female Elephant Seal from my floor came lumbering out of the door. My first thought was, "good, now I won't have any bullshit data entry to do today." My second, and more productive thought was, "GET THE CAMERA, NEIL!" No elephant seal have ever been filmed outside the natural, officorial habitat. Before I spoke, Neil had the video rolling.
We stopped. Should I approach the beast? Just wave and say 'hi?' She didn't see us, and I decided it would be unethical and unwise to tangle with this unpredictable, massive mammal.
But I had to get back to 'work.' I figured I could sneak past her and up to my desk. But my plans were foiled by a low altitude, open throttle pass by a Blue Angel. Blue ASSHOLE! In an instant, the bladder atop my boss's nose inflated to volleyball size and all I could see was acres and acres of battle-scarred blubber. She blocked my path, she filled my vision. I was in trouble. When startled, an elephant seal has the speed of a whippet and the strength of a dozen PCP-crazed felons. Holy shit. Everything was happening all at once.
Even when watching Neil' now-famous video of the event, it's hard to believe that something so large could move SO FAST, and with such precision and violence. It's understandable that my reaction was not what you have come to expect from a brave, famous socio-biologist like myself.
Her fang, dripping with gore, shone in the sun. I was hypnotized by it. So frightening, and deadly, but beautiful. I still can't explain the feeling, it seemed to go on forever. She then began her death-strike, shifting her weight, bearing down on me. I finally snapped to. But there was no time for me to react. In a moment, tons of sweaty, snuffling, flesh would be raining down in every direction. There was no escape. My life began flashing before my eyes... God bless my family and my friends and my country... What was that?
<<BAM>>The Subaru slammed into my boss! Her finely calculated death-strike was interrupted, if only for a half moment. I escaped! I was free. Thank you Neil! I'll see what I can do about hooking you up with a new front end. You deserve it yo.
Her anger somehow quenched, the alpha female continued on her way, the violence of the encounter withering as quickly as it had risen. Majestically she shuffled off, like a SUV sized, chubby inchworm. I have much respect for the noble grace of these creatures.
So I finally got back to my desk, a bit shaken, but fine. AND THE BITCH LEFT LIKE A TON OF DATA ENTRY FOR ME. ON FRIDAY, NO LESS!! Sheeeeeee-it.