What the fuck are you old people putting in your bodies that makes the bathrooms at work stink SO BAD! It's just scary going in there, I don't know what I'm gonna be facing from day to day. It's a crapshoot, it's Russian Roulette. You SUUUUCK!
Really doe, I was just in there and for the fifth or sixth time this month, I've been confronted by a smell that it not only totally foreign to my nose, but totally offensive. Is this the work of prescription drugs? Not the good meds, but the freaky ones that don't get you high? Because the smell is a disgusting mix of the animal with the chemical. Just stop it. I'm not even gonna say 'please.'
Okay, change of plans, motherfucker. This is my rig and I'M driving. I've decided that I AM gonna talk about grass. For something that makes people feel SO stupid, I'm surprised that it's as popular as it is. You know what I'm talking about? Like when you smoke pot and then you feel like everyone's smarter than you? Nah, I don't get that feeling either. Not Porno Rico. But I know people who do get this sensation. Long story short: don't get stoned around me if you're gonna start acting retarded. Serious. I'll kick you outta your own party for that kinda bullshit.
New change of plans. I'm not gonna write about grass any more today. See? I'm making the decisions, here. Don't dig the sudden lane-changes of my mind? Tough titters. Here's some hot dog soup. Suck away.
Welcome to the stern, uncanny world of Porno Rico. I'm here to unload the truth on all the suck-ass things that come my way. And it seems like everything coming my way has shit breath from sucking so much ASS. So this is gonna be an ongoing project, fool. Here's some of my fave subjects:
Bands who suck. (Definitive list coming next week, titled 'Fantasy Plane Crash.')
People who suck. (Look to your left, then look to your right. Those people suck. Now look in the mirror. Yep, you too.)
Things people should stop doing before I get pissed. I'm sure there's more, but I ain't got fucking time for it. I ain't gonna fucking hold your hand and waltz you around on the sunny side of the street. Shit, I won't even let you out of my basement. If you know what I mean.
Prepare yourself for a ton of disdain, some barely controlled rage, a dose of superiority, some righteous anger, plenty of sustained ill-will, and maybe a couple shout outs.
What up, MC EP! MacheteJohn! Everyone else gets the red eye!
Porno Rico, beeeeeyaatch! ****