As part of my sentence from the U.S. Department of Justice (did YOU know that 'warlording' was a federal crime?), I'm back writing again. This is my only legal source of income and I've got to pay out the ass for reparations to the "thousands upon thousands" of people whose lives have been "devastated" by my freewheelin' style of warlording. Shiiiiiit. Let me say now that it was worth it -- TOTALLY worth it -- and god willing, I'll be back at it before 2003.
My trial was a fucking joke, anyhow. A bunch of bullshit. My lawyer -my EX-lawyer, can eat a dick. Serious dude, you blew it. You're smoking more crack than your mom does if you think you're handling my appeal. It wasn't all him, though. The judge was just... well, she was a TOTAL FOX. I'm all sitting in the courtroom thinking, "Damn! Fine professional woman like you is just what ol' Rico NEEDS, baby! Sexy thing... We knock that whole 'respect for the law' shit outta your system and we'd be swingin', sweetheart." Anyway, things didn't work out. With the trial OR the judge. That was a fucking first. I mean, I obviously got her sprung (let's be realistic). I got the stack of letters here to prove it, too. Only reason she sent my fine ass up to the big house is because she couldn't ADMIT to herself that she was feelin' emotions for this handsome devil of a warlord. Thanks, kitten.
Anyway, the chump in the fifty dollar suit who's overseeing my reparations says I gotta start churning out the Porno to the People column again. He didn't say they had to be good. I ain't even gonna fire up one brain cell on this forced-labor shit. So I'm having him supply me with topics. This week: New Year's Resolutions. Pretty fucking clever. Eh, good enough for government work. Here goes:
New Year's resolutions are stupid. No one should make them. I think they are ass. What is not ass is being a fucking WARLORD! That rocks! Top that. You can't.
There are, however, some things I'm not so proud of. Some things I wish hadn't happened. First off, I'm sorry about all the money that was stolen, I feel bad about all the careers that were ruined (especially in the TV anchorwoman/weathergirl/traffic-bunny field), and all the JV retards who got their teeth knocked out. SIKE! Those were the best parts! That's what being a warlord is all about! That's the heart of it, that's bread and butter warlording! Shiiiiiit.
Oooh, I never get tired of that fake-sorry game... BAH HA HA HA HAA!!
In conclusion, New Year's resolutions are bad. Why? I don't fuckin' know. Don't come to Porno Rico with bullshit questions. I got a fucking appeal and/or escape to plan. And you just KNOW my escape is gonna be the bomb. We're talkin' reverse-parachute into the Concorde type shit. Bungee slingshot into one of my helicopters, something like that. You're not gonna find Porno Rico crouching in a laundry basket with his thumb up his ass. So I'll be seeing you ladies real soon. This maximum security motel can't hold the most high rollin', freight trainin', WARLORDING sumbitch the world had ever known. No!
Next week's topic: Beating the winter blues (or beating some ding-dong black and blue in the cold, bracing air of the winter months).
P>R