I met her first in Dewas. I was attracted, as any hot-blooded male will be towards a beautiful, lively woman. When I come in contact with her I found her interesting and intelligent. She has reiterated so many times later on that she has seen me for the first time in finishing yard. I did not believe it, and still do not as I have a strong notion about myself that people, whoever it may be, notice my presence.

Then, she forced me out of my shell. She forced me to take her out for dinner. I joined her going to lunch to the canteen. She led me on hanging on my vague hints and taking them up. I was forced to admit myself that yes, this is the fate, and I need to follow it through. She tried to make me feel jealous. She played all the tricks in the bag of a young girl. So many things, I have only read about it novels and books started taking place in my own life.

She left with both of us yearning for the other to take the first step, neither of us doing that. I felt bad and send a one worded letter Sorry, leaving her to interpret in whatever way she chooses to. In the later days, she tried to prove to me that those days were nothing more than flirting with a person and as she returned back, everything was as before. My letters were conveying some foolish feelings. She was feeling what nonsense this person is writing etc. I did not believe it either. If it is true she is a flirt. I am not that kind of person whose emotions and feelings can be trifled with. I carried on the correspondence to satisfy myself and as I imagined, to her satisfaction also.

In the letters and phone calls also, she led me on. Dropping hints, teasing about my girl friend and finally I decided to take the plunge and told her, you are it. She put on a front as if she is offended by it and till date maintains that she took one month to accept my proposal. As far as I am concerned, that was not a proposal at all. It was just bringing out in the open what was going on between us for the previous 6 months. Then her expectations changed.

For me, marriage was not the most important thing in the life. I had decided that I would marry this girl, I had told my parents also. Now, I have to wait for the time to get married. As is my wont I did not want to push things. But, she was under a different kind of pressure, and expected me to send cards, pay visits, meet her parents etc. I resisted and not even agreed to receive her in Indore. The reason was my work. I was finding myself in my work and did not want to spoil it. If she comes to Indore, I will have to take leave from the factory for at least one day and play host to her which I did not want to do at that point of time or any time afterwards - except when I was forced to do it.

Then it started. She started suspecting my motives and sincerity. She gave me thousand reasons with reference to her parents, relatives, however, I felt that if she is confident, no one else can do anything. She called our relation off. It was like a western novel. I was amused, sad and felt hurt when the letters were asked for. What I will do with them? Even if she is not going to come back in my life. Will I behave like a movie villain? That was the beginning of drift in my mind. But I was clear in one point that the choice for life partner is made only once and it is the best choice. Because, no human being is perfect.

Then, I met her in Delhi. She was changed. She had a lot of make up on her face. The accident she had hurt her feet (that time also I did not go to see her). Later on she even tried to put the blame on me for the accident. I told her many times, one should be ready to take responsibility for one's actions. She started blaming me for anything, I lost my career because of marrying you, I lost this because of you, I lost that because of your son. I am disgusted. I now not even feel any tender feelings towards the baby. She has made my mind go numb.

She had a way of telling that I want everything to be the way I desire. But, life is not yours alone. Should you not consider my wishes also? You wanted to have a marriage with video shooting and photos with all the drama. I had to put up with that. I started to prove that every thing could not be as you wish and I started getting a sadistic pleasure in denying her small wishes.

In Delhi, I found her a human wreck and for the second time decided to take decisive action and went to Delhi with a ring to convince her parents that I am serious. But, I misunderstood that, it was tusharika who does not have confidence in me. It led from one thing to other. She wanted this and that. Then finally I have to say let us get married to convince your parents and she arranged a disgusting show as marriage devoid of all self-respect and not to make a row I went along and I still bear the grudge for that.

Then I came to Shanghai. I did not intend to bring her to Shanghai for so many reasons. The company, my parents, her career and my job in Shanghai were all the causes. I made the mistake of not explaining her in detail and just told her some time frame for coming here. She was holding on to the indications I had given. She let her job go and later on blamed it on me. She let her second job go why should I put up with these Indians.

She refused to look at realities. I was growing vegetables in Shanghai and had my ideals about job, wife life etc. Then she comes to Shanghai crashing on me. I hated her for that. She told me I want to come before August. I said, you come in October. She says anytime before October. I felt why should everything happen the way you want. She did not agree. She made scenes, when I called in Delhi also, refusing to talk to me. I was disgusted. I wanted to scream out. But I wanted to maintain my dignity, which I lost so many, times living with her, in front of Swain, Parsan, her mother. I hate myself for that.

Then there was Ms. Ning. When Roy introduced me to her, I was glad to get a way out of the suffocating mess I was facing in my work. When she started working with me, I found her a fresher without any experience and comparing her with Jacquelin of Swain's office. I consoled myself that working in this company I am destined for only this much.

Then, I found that this girl had a remarkable ability to learn things and correct her mistakes as soon as they are pointed out. She was a member of Communist Party of China. She was holding many school girlish ideals. I talked to her at length about my views of the world, how it is a selfish place, how the modern world works on the reward and punishment basis etc. I had met Shugang in her University who was in love with her. When, once I told her he is her boyfriend, she protested and said that she has another person, but they were broken away and not in speaking terms now.

Then, I came to know about her story. How she found that person to be very shy and friendless, how she went out to help him, how he impressed her with small gestures, how jealous he became, and how finally he told her that she is not suitable for him and how she broke her hand/leg and fell ill and was hospitalized for 6 months. I found also that she is still deeply in love with that guy. I advised her to marry Shugang, seeing the plight of Tusharika after marrying me instead of Abhinandhan.

She wanted to become a friend of Tusharika, when she comes to Shanghai. I told her it is none of my business. I can not ensure that she likes you or not. She arranged to invite us for dinner with her friend Shugang. Tusharika started from there. My every action, my every sentence was misunderstood and misinterpreted. Tusharika had once told me the undergarments available in Hong Kong/ China are very famous and she would like to collect them for herself. Now, I know that thinking about that when I made a remark in Shanghai she imagined I had seen them on someone's body/ apparently Ning's. I am shattered. I do not know what to do. I am treated worse than a dog.

Today, I have lost everything. I do not have anything in life. I do not want to go back to my parents and face them. I do not want to meet any of my earlier acquaintances. I do not want to work in Dewas. My work in Shanghai is in a terrible mess. I have no friends. My wife has no faith, confidence, and no love for me. My son, I do not know…

She started behaving in a ugly way. She had all the doubts in her mind about me and start putting up acts. I have a sensitive mind and detect anybody who is not sincere about his or her feelings at a distance. Coming from Tusharika I could not tolerate it. I started acting mean. I did not want to hurt her. But I did. I wanted her to feel like an independent individual, and not follow me wherever I go and I told her so. She used this statement against me to prove to others that

I was not sincere with her. Anything I said in good faith she uses against me in a perverted manner. She told her mother about me and she remarked that you need not follow whatever Murali say, as if I need have any strength of character, I had to listen from the mother-in-law also. It was a mistake of me to share my thought with her. She tells the whole world about my troubles in work, Mrs. Swain, her colleagues in Clariant and everyone else. What I tell her is only for her ears. If she is going to tell these to each and everybody, I decided I am not going to tell anything.

We go to Hong Kong. I was in double minds, whether to take her or not. Murali was giving it as alms. I hated him for that. She always puts up this pain and that pain. I am fed of that. Always whining and complaining. I have a weakness not wanting to be blamed for others sufferings.

The language. Whenever, I speak home, she gets irritated and that day some fight takes place. Whenever, there is a letter from home she gets irritated and there is a fight. I tried to keep the letter for 2-3 days in the office to see whether the change comes on me or on her. It was on her. She reads bad interpretations of what my father writes and spoils her mood and fights. Whenever, we go to Parson's place she has qualms. I had to restrict myself on the praise of good points of Mrs. Parson.

I did not like myself compared with others.