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Here was this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets *VERY* quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes
of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and
says,"Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my
best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation
that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the
way, what did that chicken do?"
This guy wins $1 milion in lottery and he goes to his home.
He says to his wife "Honey there is a great new....I just won $1 million in lottery,So pack your bags quickly".
Wife "this is really great, Should I pack them for a mountain vacation or for a sea cruise vacation?"
'I don't care" says the guys "Just get the hell out of here".
A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her
index finger shot off. How did this happen?, the doctor
asked. Well, I was trying to commit suicide, the Blonde
replied. Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?
No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought,
I just paid $6,000 for these. Then I put it in my mouth
and thought, I just paid $3,000 to get my teeth straightened.
Then I put the gun in my ear, and thought this is going to
make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear
before I pulled the trigger.
Bill Clinton, Lee Kuan Yew and Mahathir were in Air Force One
flying to The World Economy Summit held in Japan.The pilot brought along his nephew who always wanted to be in Air Force One.
Moreover it was his nephew birthday and and the president told the
pilot to fetch him to the plane straight from school.
On the way to Japan, the plane encountered engine problems and they
had no choice but to jump. However, because of the inclusion of the nephew, there were not enough parachutes.
There's only 4 parachutes and 5 people. What to do?
Bill Clinton said, "I'm the most powerful man in the world. The world
needs a leader like me!" and he took one parachutes and jump.
Lee Kuan Yew then said, "South-east Asia's economy needs my wisdom to
survive, I have to go!" and he too took one parachutes and jump.
Mahathir then shouted," Malaysia people needs me to lead them out of
the economy downfall which we're in!" and off he go after grabbing one
of the chutes.
The pilot then told his nephew," look, you have a bright future ahead
of you. Go, take the last parachute and save yourself!"
But his nephew replies' " Uncle, we can go together."
"But there's not enough chutes left," said the pilot.
"Uncle, Mr. Clinton took my school bag !"
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to
three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrots
costs $500, $1,000 and $2,000 dollars ."
"Why do the parrots cost so much?" asks the customer. The owner
says, "Well the parrots can speak and know how to use a computer."
The customer then asks about the $500 parrot, and is told that this
parrot costs $500 dollars because it knows how to use the UNIX operating
system.
The customer then asks about the next parrot and is told that this one
costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can
do plus it knows how to write programs in C++.
Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot
and is told that it costs 2,000 dollars. "What can it do?" asks the
customer.
The owner says: "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the
other two call him boss!"
A Bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized
when she hears one of the men say the following; "Emma come first.
Denna come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses,
they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come
once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma justa tellun my friend
howa to spella Mississippi."
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in
the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED.
Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must
be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the
sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail,then walked over to the sign,looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea,the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.However,
the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside,
the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able
to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded
to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over
to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you
have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded
to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the
first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded!
He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However,
I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went
to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told
about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you
have to be bilingual".
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources manager
Asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting
salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year,
depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5
weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car
leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it.
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at
the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir;
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it.I said I want to open a damn checking
account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of
language in this bank."
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the
manager asks the old geezer,
"What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no f***ing problem, dammit!" the man says, "I just won $50
million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking
account in this damned bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in
the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be
the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger
to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route
120 !!"
An American, an Italian and a Surd were doing construction
work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building...
They were eating lunch and the American said,
"Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one
more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."
The Italian opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Pasta again! If I get pasta one more time I'm going
to jump off,too."
The surd opened his lunch and said,
"Paratha and dhal again. If I get paratha and dhal one more time
I'm jumping too."
Next day - The American opens his lunch box, sees corned beef
and cabbage and jumps to his death.
The Italian opens his lunch, sees pasta and jumps too. The Surd
opens his lunch, sees paratha and dhal and jumps to his death also...
At the funeral.....
The American's wife is weeping...
She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef
and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!
The Italian's wife also weeps and says " I could have given him
pizza or lasagna! I didn't realize he hated pasta so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the Surd's wife...
"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He used to make his own lunch!"
There is this Good Ol' Barber in some city in US. One day a Florist
goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber
and the barber replies:
"I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service."
The Florist is happy and leaves the shop.The next morning when
the Barber goes to open his shop,
there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A Cop goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the
barber replies:
"I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service."
The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber
goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts
waiting at his door.
A Desi Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay
the Barber and barber replies;"I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from
you; I am doing a Community Service."
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he
finds there -
A Dozen Desis waiting for a free Haircut...
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area.
Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named
Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"
Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse
easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the
farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the
only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
A ten-year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents
tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided
to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when
he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very
determined expression on his face.
He went straight past them, right to his room and
quietly closed the door. For nearly two hours he
toiled away in his room with math ,books
strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor.
He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly
cleaning his plate, went straight back to his
room,closed the door and worked feverishly at his
studies until bedtime.
This pattern of behavior continued until it was time
for the first quarter's report card. The boy walked
in with it unopened, laid it on the dinner table and
went straight to his room.
Cautiously, his mother opened it and, to her amazement,
she saw a large red 'A' under the subject of Math.
Overjoyed, she and her husband rushed into their son's
room, thrilled at his remarkable progress.
"Was it the nuns that did it?" the father asked.
The boy shook his head and said "No."
"Was it the one-to-one tutoring?
The peer-mentoring?" "No."
"The textbooks? The teachers? The curriculum?"
"No", said the son. "On that first day, when I walked
in the front door and saw that guy nailed to the plus
sign, I KNEW they were serious!
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just
returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian
front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it
to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a
few days in London. The train was very crowded, so the
soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty
seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a
well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her
little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am,
may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her
nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You
are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi
is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to
find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end
of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the
dog in the opposite seat. Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can
I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her
nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you
are also quite arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier leaned against
the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could
please sit down. The lady said, "Not only are you Americans
rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The
soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up
the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and
sat down in the empty seat. An English gentleman, sitting
across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding
the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong
side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch
out of the window!"
Two Sardarjis are in a railway station.
"Can I take this train to Ludhiana?" asks the first.
"No," answers the RR man.
"Can I?" asks the second Sardarji.
A guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the
manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason,
the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."
"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two
sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did
pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs,
etc., such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'.
These two friends were so confident going into the final
that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem.
final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of
Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did
this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and
everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it
back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking
the final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric
after the final and explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and
had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had
a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and
couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting
back to campus. Aldric thought this over and then agreed that
they could make up the final on the following day. The two
guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night
and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told
them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of
them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at
the first problem, which was something simple about free
radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought,
"this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then
turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they
saw on the next page. It said: (95 points) Which tire?
These jokes are collected from various sources and I do not
claim any copyright for them.
