Wacky_Realizations2

04/17/01 (3:50 p.m.) - New page. Hmmmm.....lots more room to fill up with endless ramblings and whinings that no one even really wants to read. Oh well.
07/29/01 (12:08 a.m) - Really kept up to date with this webpage huh? Can you really blame me, it's summer. I'm at theatre everyday, going slowly mad. I've broken down crying I dont' know how many times. I've been insulted, made fun of, used, and hurt. I'm tired, sick, and depressed. Really enjoying my summer huh? Dad got us cell phones, broke mine...actually his but whatever. One more week of shows and I have no sets for any of them. I have a million ppl on crew who don't do anything. I am getting yelled at by everyone. Everyone expects me to do so much for them and I don't think I can. I have to go out onstage before every show and I hate it. I am so tired all the time. I don't get to see my friends. I see no reason to go to sleep at night and no reason to get up in the morning. My mother keeps bringing up the fact that I'm a fat pig which isn't helping matters at all. All I want to do is go back in time to being a kid, when I was happy.
10/01/01 (12:42 a.m.) - What is wrong with me? It's one in the morning and I can't sleep. I just spent the last half hour crying for no reason. I feel like I'm about to be sick at any moment, I just want to bawl my eyes out for some unknown reason, and I can't stand it. I had such a great day, what happened to that? What is going on with me? I can't sleep at night, sleep too late in the mornings, am tired as hell all day, and really out of it. This is not normal but I don't know what to do about it. I don't know why I'm putting this on here. Maybe somewhere in me I realize that I'm not gonna tell any of you this in person. Hell, some of you are even on now, I could IM you right now and ask to talk, I could leave others a message and I know I would get some sort of reassurance in the morning, but I can't bring myself to do it.. I don't want to be a burden. This is my problem and I will deal with it...just. hopefully. soon. I don't even care about classes anymore.. Hell, I don't know why I'm even in my major. All I want to do is sleep, but I can't. Hell I can't even sleep for a whole night....Hmmm, I'm using hell a lot aren't I? Sooooooo tired but can't sleep, can't even really think. Feel like I'm in the middle of fog. Just song lyrics and a quote from 28 Days running thru my head, "I'm sorry I make it so impossible to love me."
10/03/01 (11:21 p.m.) - In just two days I go from crying hysterically to not being able to stop smiling. Amazing what a self-confidence booster stopping by high school is. Within 5 minutes I was greeted by at least 20 people and hugged by 5. And I got the hug I needed. The one that always cheers me up. Someday I'm gonna find out how he does it and bottle it, I'll make a fortune. "Who needs pills to make you feel happy, have a liquid hug!" I think I'm good now, I've gotten my "fix". I can last until Mid-semester break. Believe me, I will be stopping by for another "fix". How can you be so addictive...your like a drug; have to have it or I'll go crazy. Least you don't know that. Don't really know how you would take it. Don't think anyone would be too happy with being called a drug. But at least you know that I need you right? Being needed always makes you feel good. And I hope you know that you have made me feel better. Only one who can. And I hope you feel good as well, and I promise, not one more word about THAT. Cause THAT is your choice, and my opinion doesn't matter. But I do want to say thank you, for being you.
10/06/01 (1:42 a.m.) - Lol gooooooooooooooood night. But it's gonna be a baaaaaaad day. SMILES!
10/09/01 (10:07 a.m.) - Ok, so I lied....hehe. Down to Rowan!
10/26/01 (12:45 a.m.) - I don't remember what I wanted to put up here. I know it was something...I've been thinking about it for a few days but I don't remember what. Guess what I found today....the "evil" emails...hehehe someone I knew in HS who wouldn't talk to me on line :-( has a webpage and has them on it...hehehe. Gotta sit down one day and read them. They were hysterical. Hmmmm...still don't remember what I wanted to say. Oh well, bed time...maybe next time I remember I'll write it down so I can put it up here.
10/27/01 (9:36 a.m.) - I remembered! Not something real important but something that has been bothering me. I make noise. At the weirdest times I will just make a sound. I never used to but now I do all the time. It's really bothering me. I'm not even sure if other people can hear it but I certainly can. Its sort of a cross between a sigh and a grunt. It's really quiet but still, I never did it before so why now''? Ok, time to get ready for a fun filled day at work :-( ........all I really want to do is crawl back into my nice warm bed.
10/28/01 (11:15 p.m.) - Well I full-filled every employees' dream. I set my place of employment on fire the last day of work. Lol. Really left them "smoking." Can't figure out if I need sleep or professional help...or both. Think I need a trip home.....but not too sure that will be a good idea. Bad dreams last night. Didn't get much sleep....even though I basically spent the entire day in bed. Afraid to go to sleep. Don't want the bad dreams to come back. I hate nightmares...reduce me to a 2 year old. Afraid they'll come true. Afraid to "live" them again. Why can't I just feel "safe". Haven't felt like that in a while. Can't even really remember when I did. Year ago at least. Ugh. Years go by so fast. Time doesn't always fly when you're having fun. Sometimes it flies cause you dread the future. I dread the future. Hell, I dread tomorrow.
10/31/01 (1:22 a.m.) - Falling, down. Can't get up. I was so happy this afternoon. For no real reason that I can ascertain. I was just smiling. I had an ok class. Lab was easy. Movie with friends. Interesting conversations. Now why do I feel so blue? There's something missing and I can't figure out what it is. It's bothering me. Can I go back to 5 o'clock when I was afraid I would start laughing out loud and get questioned about what was so funny?
01/21/02 (10:48 p.m.) - Well, it's been a long time since I've written. And in that time I've done nothing...so there we go, what an update :-D
01/30/01 (10:49 p.m.) - I'm happy. I don't know why but recently I have been in really good moods....most of the time. Nobody would be in good moods after really bad/boring classes. But despite my good moods, my dreams have been really depressing. Depressing and off the wall. Everyone hiding and guys dressing up as ladies with big hats with feathers, horse drawn carriages, snowmen, strangely designed houses, gameboys, little girls, animals (especially kittens) and such. AND that was only last night! But despite these weird dreams I have been pretty good. A liltte worried about my friends though. Me as well, but my problems don't seem as bad. I don't think any of us are handling our insanity very well. I am a little fearful of where it will lead. At least I'm not the only one who feels like this. At least I know I haven't completley gone off the deep end. Not that I haven't though about doing so. We'll see how everyone is over Spring Break....I think we just all need a break and a chance to see everyone again. I know we all saw each other over Winter Break but I don't think it helped very much. Hmm...maybe I'll plan a big girlie sleepover over the weekend ...since TCNJ is too stupid to plan Spring Break at a normal time. Hmmm... will have to think about this.
02/05/02 (1:15 p.m.) - Not gonna be updating this anymore....but will keep it up for posterity. Can't really think of what that means at the moment but I do know it makes sense, I hope. Lol, no sleep last night...stupid neighbors. Gonna get too fed up one night that I will actually call security on them instead of making Anne do it. Anyway, I joined the new fad of having a live journal and thought that it would be pretty pointless to have both a live journal and this page so instead I simply give you a link to my live journal. Enjoy!